


Blizzard Blues

by the_milliners_rook



Series: Alliterative Appeal [1]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety, Body Image, Contains Elements Of We Do Knot Always Love You Novel, Crack, Eventual Nervous Breakdown, F/M, Future Fic, Gen, Hallucinations, Jealousy, Not Epilogue Compliant, Self-Esteem Issues, Two Person Love Triangle, god this would have never happened it wasn't for them what the fuck, please blame the dumbass renji and rukia for giving me this plotbunny idea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-28
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2018-09-24 04:50:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 76,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9703037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_milliners_rook/pseuds/the_milliners_rook
Summary: A year after the Quincy War, word gets out about Hitsugaya Toushirou's older brother.Things escalate from there.





	1. Blizzard Blue

 

“Shirou-chan,” Momo says, entering his office with a confused look on her face. “Why is everyone asking me about your older brother?”

Toushirou lets out a deep sigh.

He always knew this day would come.

Still, that didn’t mean he had hoped, foolishly, that it never would. His ideal scenario would be that the incident would have been forgotten by now, even as it cast its shadow over him, waiting for someone to mention it, as he wished for the incident to have been forgotten or brushed aside as some sort of myth.

Frankly, he’s surprised it took a year.

And now his life would never be the same again.

It had started harmlessly enough, he supposed, casting his mind back. He’d been suspicious of lack of questions by Abarai and Kuchiki afterwards when he’d returned to his original form, but relieved that they hadn’t said anything at the same time. They had been busy with the Quincy War and the aftermath, and still are, to some extent, that he supposed that the moment had slipped the two Vice-Captains’ minds. He had intended to correct them on their mistaken assumption, after his embarrassment of going along with it had faded, but by then, too much time had passed that he felt too awkward to bring it up.

Besides, it’s not like letting them believe he _had_ an older brother did any harm, right? That’s how he rationalized it, at least.

Months went by, and there was nothing. No mention of an older Hitsugaya brother. No rumours, no whispers, nothing. He had begun to relax, figuring he could finally lower his guard and of course, in perfect irony, _that’s_ when gossip about his older brother resurfaced, and the questions would begin.

Just like Momo is asking at this very moment.

He can see this escalating very quickly if he doesn’t put a stop to it now while he has the chance. Because if this gets out of hand…

It’ll only be a matter of time before Matsumoto will gather wind of this, her ears sharp and constantly listening for the next piece of juicy information. Whatever her intentions may be, if it concerns his ‘brother’, Toushirou is certain that the situation will only worsen.

 _If_ he was lucky.

“You don’t _have_ an older brother,” Momo states pointedly, when the silence drags on and Toushirou is too busy dreading what Matsumoto might scheme up to answer. Momo regards him carefully, her thumb under her chin. Speculating. “ _Unless_ —”

“ _No,_ ” Toushirou interrupts, his heart beating in panicked frenzy, desperate to not let Momo finish her thought.

Momo stares at him, and he raises his hand, silently asking her not to speak or jump to conclusions just yet. Not until he calms down. Not until he relaxes again. Not until he’s certain his mind won’t get carried away by insistent and irrational emotions.

“Of course I don’t, Momo,” Toushirou says, a little exasperated. He curls his hands on top of his desk. “You would have known about him if I had.”

“I thought so,” Momo murmurs, shoulders lowering into quiet relief. It only lasts a moment, though, because then she looks at him again, eyes wide and quizzical. “So why is everyone saying that you have one?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Toushirou says, shaking his head, not wanting to go into the specifics. Not here, at least. Knowing Momo, she’d probably laugh when he told her the reason. “Just continue to act as if you don’t know what they’re talking about.”

Maybe that way, if they tried hard enough, his brother would be forgotten once more and never talked about again.

“Shirou-chan,” Momo says, sighing. There’s a pause and she hesitates, but eventually Momo nods. “Alright, your secret is safe with me.”

Before Toushirou even has the _chance_ to breathe, grateful —

“ _Secret?_ ” Matsumoto says, robin egg eyes bright and intrigued. Her lips are upturned as she gleefully interrupts their private moment, and saunters to the sofa to make herself comfortable.

Toushirou wished that he had the sense to have fled his office, with Momo in hand, the second he realized where this conversation was going — or at least, delayed it for a little while. Before something like _this_ inevitably happened.

Too late.

“ _What_ secret?”

“Nothing that concerns you,” Toushirou rebukes smartly, frowning at his Vice-Captain. Usually that tactic worked. At least, it did on a good day.

“If you say so,” Matsumoto obliges, easily, raising both hands up as a gesture of defeat.

It’s far too easy for Toushirou to be instantly suspicious and immediately suspect something underhanded from his Vice-Captain, even as he shoots a meaningful look at Momo, who is currently trying her best to conceal a smile behind her hand.

With a crafty expression, and sounding oh-so-innocent, Matsumoto asks, “Does this have anything to do with your hotter and sexier older brother, Captain?”

Momo bursts into laughter.

Toushirou ignores his _traitorous_ childhood friend, bristling instead.

“ _Who_ told you _that?_ ”

There are _three_ people who know the existence of his ‘older brother’, and Toushirou is fairly certain that he can narrow it down to one particular person —

“Renji did,” Matsumoto cheerfully answers, looking at them both triumphantly, while Momo gasps for air and Toushirou tries very hard to avoid thoughts about how he should like to murder Abarai Renji.

It’s an attempt that lasts two seconds.

 _I’ll freeze his feet,_ Toushirou decides, nails digging deep into the meat of his palm; determined to keep his face expressionless. _Then slowly work up his ankles._

The downside, Toushirou realizes belatedly, is that Captain Kuchiki might possibly miss his Vice-Captain. And certainly, Vice-Captain Kuchiki would most definitely miss him.

And yet, Captain Kuchiki might understand, Toushirou thinks to himself in vain. Might sympathize, in fact. Might even think that Abarai _deserved_ punishment for being a meddling busybody and stirring up trouble for _no reason_.

“I see,” Toushirou says, non-committal, still musing on how he should enact his revenge. It _would_ be Abarai out of the three who revealed the existence of his… ‘older brother’.

Toushirou would hardly call himself a _friend_ of Kuchiki Byakuya, but it’s quite easy to imagine that the Sixth Division Captain would consider it beneath him to indulge such rumours. As for the other Kuchiki, it seemed likely to Toushirou that she would emulate her older brother’s behaviour, _but then again_ , Kuchiki Rukia and Abarai Renji are _quite_ a pair.

Not to mention that it was _Kuchiki Rukia_ that was the special snowflake to jump to _that_ conclusion.

If the air becomes colder, both Momo and Matsumoto refrain from commenting.

“He told me last night when we went out for drinks,” Matsumoto adds helpfully, suppling Toushirou with information that only worsens his mood.

 _Wonderful,_ Toushirou thinks, dryly, as the pieces slowly fall into place. _Even better._

“Shirou-chan,” Momo admits in a quiet voice, straightening her shoulders, trying very hard not to laugh. “Abarai-kun was the one asking me about… _him_ , as well.”

To start with the feet would be too merciful, Toushirou decided swiftly. _Too_ kind.

Since Matsumoto knew, it was only a matter of time before the rest of the Shinigami Women’s Association would be informed. As Kusajishi and Unohana were gone, the role of President had been given to Matsumoto, the role of Supervisor had been given to Soifon, and Ise had remained Vice-President.

Whenever their next meeting was when true havoc would begin.

“Oh,” Toushirou says, a sour taste in his mouth, as he stares resolutely at his unfinished paperwork. He wills himself to unclench his hands.

“So?” Matsumoto prompts, excitedly looking at them both, her auburn hair swishing past her shoulders as she turns to stare at them with a buoyant grin. “When am I going to meet him?”

“You’re not,” Toushirou states curtly. “Because —”

 _He doesn’t exist_.

Somehow, he can’t bring himself to actually _say_ the words out loud.

Matsumoto raises an eyebrow. Intrigued. _“Because,_ Captain?”

“They, uh,” Momo clears her throat, and Toushirou discreetly sends her a thankful look as she comes up with an excuse while Matsumoto focuses all her attention on Momo with eager eyes. “They don’t get on.”

A simple excuse, but effective nonetheless.

“Never have,” Toushirou contributes gruffly, aware at how Matsumoto’s gaze bores into him. He slams his hand on his desk, ending the subject once and for all. “I don’t like to talk about him. Now, get back to work, the both of you!”

 

 

Now that he has, with the aid of Momo, _inadvertently validated_ his older brother’s existence, he supposes it’s natural that it gets worse instead of better.

No matter how grumpily he states that it’s a lost cause, and his brother has long since left Soul Society, the Shinigami Women’s Association are on the lookout for him, trying to glean details from the five people who have actually _met_ the older Hitsugaya.

Momo is surprisingly good at being evasive whereas Abarai and Kuchiki, thankfully, have barely anything to contribute, having only met the older Hitsugaya brother once.

Kuchiki Byakuya says nothing, but his stony glare says everything.

 

 

He goes and visits Karakura Town to escape and have an afternoon of peace and quiet.

Just for a little while, so he can cool his head.

He goes to his favourite hill, and sits upon the grass.

“Hey, Toushirou,” Karin grins, eyes lighting up the second she notices him. Crooked teeth and all. She lifts her hand and waves, and already reflectively, he’s grinning back.

It’s sad how refreshing it is — to be seen for himself instead of being interrogated for his mysterious older brother. He’s not good at being put on the spot, forced to make up conceivable sounding excuses and still remain vague about everything.

Karin, though, looks at him, and sees only Toushirou.

“How have you been?”

“Good,” Toushirou answers bluntly, stuffing his hands into his pocket. He tries to stop feeling so disgruntled, but it’s not easy, even if Karin is beside him. Somehow, she’s always been able to put him at ease. “Felt like a change of scenery.”

“Ah, okay,” Karin nods, understandingly, placing her arms behind her head. She says nothing for a moment, as if waiting for him to have the chance to elaborate, before she loses patience, and inquires. “Things pretty hectic over there still?”

Kurosaki Ichigo might not have told Karin everything about the Quincy War, but he told enough, Toushirou hopes. Kurosaki Isshin too — even after enough time has passed, it’s still mind blowing to realize that Karin is his former Captain’s _daughter_. It was bad enough when he was told that she was Kurosaki Ichigo’s _sister_ ; it was almost a horrifying nightmare to be informed by the very man himself sporting a huge grin on his face that _both_ those brats were his _children._

It’s a shock to discover that _his former Captain is alive_ , that his former Captain _married a Quincy_ , that he has spawned _offspring_ , but then, knowing how eccentric and unpredictable his former Captain can be, Toushirou wonders if he really should be surprised after all. He wonders what this means for both Karin and Yuzu, who, along with Kurosaki, is part _shinigami_ , part Quincy, and _possibly_ part Fullbringer.

Toushirou can never bring himself to ask Karin if she’d become a Quincy if given the chance. If she’d prefer to protect people by way of arrow instead of sword; if she’d prefer to wear white instead of black.

If Karin has thoughts on the matter, then she hasn’t confided in him.

He supposes it doesn’t matter, given how resigned she was taking up her brother’s mantle when he lost his powers. Toushirou remembers her saying that it was her turn to protect her brother, but that didn’t mean she _liked_ it.

Anyway.

People approach Toushirou far more often these days, much to his displeasure. Nine times out of ten, it’s a not-so-unexpected question about his older brother. He’s tried everything — from glaring, to frowning, to scowling — _nothing_ dissuades them from summoning up their courage and questioning him. Sometimes they’re not even questions, just amazed statements.

(“I heard he had an eight pack, Captain! That he was shredded!”

 _“Get out of my sight.”_ )

“In a manner of speaking,” Toushirou says slowly, not wanting to explain the entire ridiculous debacle that is driving him slowly but surely insane.

Why bother to explain? It’s stupid, humiliating and unexpectedly convoluted. It would be a hassle to explain the situation he’d spent a year grateful that he’d manage to avoid, all because Abarai Renji had kept his mouth shut, and now, to have to talk about a foolhardy goose chase that a particular group of people who don’t properly understand the circumstances… it’s just ridiculous to even try to explain. Where would he even _start?_

How does he even begin to admit that he’s somehow managed to mislead the whole of Seireitei into thinking that he _actually has an older brother_ , and only _four_ people including himself know that is not true?

Even if he put it like that — in such a simple and concise way — he has no doubt that Karin would only laugh.

Maybe Karin would laugh and tease him and make him feel better about it, but at the moment, he’s so sick and tired about the whole debacle that he doesn’t want to think about it at all.

That’s not why he’s in Karakura Town right now.

And Karin —

One of the many things that Toushirou appreciates about Karin is that she’s always known how to make him forget his worries for a little while. Even if she doesn’t know what the problem is, there’s just something about her that he’s found comforting.

“Hm,” Karin says, peering at him like Momo occasionally does, mouth pursed but not saying anything else. Her hands fall to her side, and she shrugs, letting the issue go. Apropos of nothing, she says. “Did you know that Orihime confessed to Ichi-nii?”

“Wait, really?” Toushirou blinks owlishly, his mouth falling open. He hadn’t been expecting that.

He’d known about Inoue’s harboured feelings for Kurosaki, of course, just like he’d known about Abarai’s feelings for Kuchiki Rukia — he’s fairly certain Matsumoto and Momo had let the information slip by on more than one occasion.

He simply hadn’t cared.

Since Momo and Abarai were good friends, when the time came and Abarai Renji and Kuchiki Rukia had started dating, Toushirou, by proxy of being Momo’s friend, was among the first to know. That had been two years ago.

To be honest, he’s surprised that Matsumoto hadn’t said anything. Maybe he hadn’t paid attention.

“Yeah,” Karin nods, sincere. She smiles, though something about it seems strained. When she speaks again, her voice is soft. “About time, you know?”

“I suppose,” Toushirou wrinkles his nose. He doesn’t really have an opinion on it — it was Inoue’s business on how she chose to act on her feelings, and if it made her happy, then as her friend and former roommate, he’s happy for her.

He exhales, letting all the air leave his lungs. He wouldn’t call himself curious, certainly never as overtly as Matsumoto would be when he told her, if she didn’t know already, but he’ll permit himself to ask.

Toushirou meets her gaze once more. “What did Kurosaki say?”

“He said yes,” Karin says, simply, head downcast as if she can’t quite bring herself to be elated. Instead, the corners of her mouth tug downward, and Karin, more than anything looks troubled by it. “It’s weird, though. I thought… well, I didn’t think he _would_ accept.”

“Because of Kuchiki?” Toushirou guesses.

Karin nods.

“Yeah,” Karin admits, stilling. Her voice is quiet, afraid that someone might hear her. She sighs, and straightens her back, hands placed on her hips, her expression resolute. “I mean, I know Rukia is dating Renji now, but she lived in Ichi-nii’s _cupboard_ when they first met! His _cupboard!_ ”

“That _is_ odd,” Toushirou frowns. He hadn’t heard about _that._

“I know, right? Fifteen year old boy riddled with hormones and a really pretty girl in his cupboard? I thought for sure _something_ would have happened between them,” Karin says, encouraged by his reaction. “ _And_ I’m pretty sure there were rumours about them in school back then too!”

“What about Inoue?” Toushirou asks, glancing at Karin, not knowing what to think.

“… I thought she could do better,” Karin admits, cheeks flushed, like she’s embarrassed that she once thought that way. “ _And_ that she was out of his league. I mean, I love Ichi-nii, don’t get me wrong, but Orihime is… well, she’s _amazing._ I didn’t think they had a chance at working out. But then… Ichi-nii starts calling Orihime by her first name, and I’ve never seen him look so happy. And then, to see Orihime call Ichi-nii by _his_ first name, well, they’re over the moon.”

Toushirou had always considered Inoue to be over the moon; but for _both_ of them to be?

Good for them.

“They make a really cute couple, actually,” Karin admits. “I’m glad I was wrong about them.”

“I see,” Toushirou says, for lack of anything else to say. “How long have they been dating?”

“Since last year,” Karin says, genuinely pleased. “It’s nice to see Ichi-nii smile all the time.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. So, what’ll it be?” Karin asks, changing subject abruptly, and Toushirou catches her sly smile before it flits away and disappears. She tilts her head, dark locks of hair slanting past her shoulders as a result, and she looks at him, playful before she elaborates. “Soccer, Tekken, or food? I’m feeling generous today, so the choice is yours.”

“You call _that_ generous?” Toushirou deadpans, glancing at her in disbelief. Smirks. “That’s just things _you_ want to do.”

“You got a better idea?” Karin grins, and it’s stupidly infectious.

“Good point,” Toushirou concedes, hesitating for only a moment. “I could eat. _Then_ defeat you in soccer.”

“Is that _trash talking_ I hear?” Karin banters, arching her brow, laughter clearly in her voice, delighted that their competitive natures strike again. “You’re going to have to do better than _that._ ”

“Oh, I haven’t even _started_ , Kurosaki,” Toushirou drawls, and Karin laughs, offering her hand to help him up.

 

 

It is, Toushirou is satisfied to say, an afternoon well spent.

At least until he gets back to Soul Society and gets bombarded by a whole new slew of questions.

Instantly, he goes to the person responsible.

“ _What_ do you mean,” Toushirou asks slowly, narrowing his eyes and folding his arms across his chest. He’s _not_ angry. No. Not really. He’s _frustrated_ and _trying_ to keep his patience and _remaining_ calm as he speaks through gritted teeth. But certainly not _angry._ “That my brother’s name is _Juushirou?”_

“Um, well,” Momo says, uncomfortable, her round cheeks colouring pink as she fumbles for an explanation that Toushirou has yet to hear. She giggles awkwardly, and then stutters into nervous silence. A panicked expression temporarily flickers over her features before settling into pitiful pleading. “I had to call him _something_ , right, Shirou-chan? I couldn’t just call him Shirou-kun, could I?”

Silence.

“You did, didn’t you,” Toushirou states flatly, not even bothering to phrase it as a question.

Momo wilts, and slowly nods.

“… it would have been too confusing to keep saying ‘Captain Hitsugaya’ and 'Captain Hitsugaya's brother',” Momo admits in whisper, colour suffusing into dark red.

When has Momo _ever_ called Toushirou ‘Captain Hitsugaya’ except when he reminds her to?

Toushirou sighs. “Of course it would.”

“It just slipped out, and you know what it’s like — once it’s out, you can’t take it back,” Momo blurts out, all in one breath, before burying her head in her hands. Muffled, she continues, “I’m sorry, Shirou-chan.”

“Don’t be,” Toushirou relents, softening his gaze when Momo looks up and he smiles gently at her, his mood abated. “It’s probably for the best you named him, people were bound to get confused about which Hitsugaya brother they were talking about sooner or later.”

The amount of times confusion has been caused because someone had forgotten to specify which Kotetsu sister they were referring to was too many to count. Though it could be easily fixed by asking which Division the Kotetsu sister was from — currently either Third or Fourth — although rumour had it that the younger Kotetsu sister had set her sights on becoming the Vice-Captain in the Fourth Division, when the older Kotetsu sister was already the Captain of that Division, was bound to make it _more_ confusing in the future, whenever that came to pass.

The Kuchiki siblings were a less extreme example of this, easier to differentiate for most part, with some occasional slipups, with amusing results.

There was a reason Toushirou often assigned siblings their full name instead of referring to them by just their surname in his internal monologues.

“Still,” Momo hums, lashes casting shadows on the curve of her cheeks. “ _You_ wouldn’t have named him Juushirou.”

“No,” Toushirou remarks, icily. “ _Obviously._ ”

 

 

“Is _that_ why you didn’t get along with Captain Ukitake?” Matsumoto asks, eyes wide, springing the oh-so-predictable question the second she sees him. “Because he shared the same _name_ as your brother?”

“Please, Matsumoto,” Toushirou rolls his eyes, dismissive. He wishes Momo had chosen a different name. But it’s too late now. Muttering under his breath, he adds, “I’m not _that_ petty.”

The reason that Toushirou didn’t like the late Captain Ukitake was because he had constantly given him sweets each chance he got — _not_ because he happened to be the namesake of his older brother, who was, unbeknownst to a select few, _completely imaginary_.

There’s a _difference_.

When Ukitake _wasn’t_ handing out sweets for Toushirou to awkwardly but resignedly accept, he felt it was fair to say that they were generally quite amicable to each other. Toushirou may have never voiced his discomfort in admitting that he didn’t _like_ sweets, but he did his best to maintain a polite and professional working relationship with him.

(He had thought that after Ukitake passed away, it would be the end of being given sweets.

As it turns out, Kyouraku had taken it upon himself to carry on his friend’s old hobby — which of course meant that it was _Ise Nanao_ who dropped by his office instead, armed with a bag of sweets and copious amount of paperwork.

With a sigh, and face flushed with embarrassment, he let Ise in, and offered her a place to sit, and dump the candy in the candy corner. Together in harmonious silence, they were able to complete their paperwork.

In an odd twist of fate, it was a surprising improvement.)

“I respected Captain Ukitake very much,” Toushirou states firmly, crossing his arms.

“Mmhm,” Matsumoto hums, unimpressed.

Something about her reaction rubs him the wrong way, and as he stares at her, growing red faced, he can’t help but raise his voice and shout:

“I got along with Ukitake just _fine_ , I tell you!”

“Whatever you say, _Captain_ ,” Matsumoto singsongs, and Toushirou suppresses a groan.

It’s useless to try and convince her. Toushirou knows. There’s no point in attempting some sort of dissuasion. But he _still_ has to fight the urge to give it a go, pride smarting from her insolence. Time and time again has shown that it’ll only end in failure, and by then he’ll be irritated beyond belief at how stubborn Matsumoto was being, refusing to listen to any reasonable explanation.

And then she’ll innocently smile at him, like she was oblivious to causing him any sort of misery in the first place, and his headache will only worsen at the sight.

 


	2. Glacier Grey

 

The breaking point, though, might be when  _Kuchiki Byakuya_  decides to remark upon it.

"Captain Hitsugaya," Kuchiki says, pausing to greet him in the hallway, and regard him with detached curiosity. "Your older brother has gained quite the reputation."

Toushirou's blood stills.

He doesn't talk to Kuchiki much — not even fighting together during the Quincy War has changed that. Still, Toushirou supposes that he considers Kuchiki to be… almost a friend.

These days Toushirou actually makes the effort to greet Kuchiki when there's a meeting, or when they cross each other's paths in corridors.

As for Kuchiki, Toushirou can only surmise that the stoic Captain must feel the same kind of almost friendship, since he's become more open to engaging Toushirou in conversation after the Quincy War.

Toushirou finds it odd that Kuchiki hasn't revealed the truth to anyone, not even to his younger sister, who surely would have told Abarai, had she known.

Whenever someone tries to ask Kuchiki Byakuya about Hitsugaya 'Juushirou', the only response he gives is to merely stare at them until they walk away, unsettled. Toushirou envies that ability, prone to snapping when he's at his wits end, or muttering that he doesn't want to talk about it, when he isn't.

Toushirou is grateful, in a way, that Kuchiki hasn't said anything; but then, he's also annoyed because it means the whole ordeal could have been prevented in the first place if Kuchiki had corrected Abarai and Kuchiki Rukia at his convenience,  _and none of this would have happened in the first place_.

That's why it's so surprisingly to Toushirou that Kuchiki is finally  _acknowledging_  'Juushirou'.

"I suppose so," Toushirou says warily, bracing himself for whatever news Kuchiki is about to bring. It must be something special if Kuchiki has broken his silence on the subject. "Wait. What  _reputation?_ "

He hasn't heard about this!

"Haven't you been listening to the rumours?" Kuchiki asks instead, his face devoid of expression as always, even as he talks about… gossip.

Toushirou stares at him, stunned.

For a second, he thinks he's being pranked on, before he remembers that  _Kuchiki Byakuya_   _doesn't prank_.

Kuchiki Byakuya doesn't even like comedy gold jokes about  _height_.

Despite this, Toushirou is certain that Kuchiki is absolutely telling the truth and admitting that he has been  _listening_   _to people gossip about Hitsugaya Juushirou_ , knowing the truth, and saying  _nothing_.

If Toushirou's eyes aren't deceiving him, and Kuchiki wasn't so damn difficult to read, Toushirou would say that Kuchiki looked mercurially amused.

"I thought you didn't care for rumours," Toushirou says, after a beat, his mouth dry. He tries very hard not to look astounded and fails.

"I don't," Kuchiki concedes, inclining his head in agreement. "But Rukia and Renji like to talk. He is a subject of great interest of late."

"I'm well aware," Toushirou says flatly, frowning. He's been doing his best trying to pay it no mind, hoping the more he pretends his brother doesn't exist, the sooner this nonsense goes away and Soul Society will find something new to obsess about. "So you listen to them…  _gossip_?"

"Reluctantly."

"Of course," Toushirou deadpans.

"They have a source," Kuchiki informs him, regarding him with a cool gaze. "Everyone considers her information to be reliable."

"What—" Toushirou narrows his eyes, suspicious. He doesn't like what Kuchiki is insinuating at all. "What's  _that_ supposed to mean?"

 

 

" _You gave him_   _a backstory?"_

To say he is upset is putting it mildly.

" _A personality?"_

He just can't wrap his head around the insanity of it, always short fusing when it's about to make sense.

" _And you decide to turn him into a narcissist?"_

He would be  _speechless_  if he wasn't so  _outraged_.

" _What were you thinking?"_

 _A narcissist_ , Toushirou thinks sourly, glowering. He _had_  to have a  _narcissist_  for a  _brother_.

And that's  _barely_  scratching the surface. He's learnt more about his fake brother than he ever thought he would, and Toushirou doesn't like his fictional brother's characterization  _in the slightest_.

Vain. Ditzy.  _Lazy_.

" _Well_ ," Momo coughs, refusing to look ashamed. Instead, she folds her arms and raises her chin, meeting his gaze with resolve. She exhales, and explains calmly. "I was  _thinking_  that in order to  _not_  raise suspicion, Shirou-chan, that it would be best to make Juushirou as different from you as possible."

"Best for who?" Toushirou grumbles.

" _You_ , Shirou-chan!" Momo snaps, losing her temper, incensed by his flippant response. Placing her hands on her hips, she leans towards him, wilfully determined to keep her voice lowered. " _Best for_   _you_. I don't _have_  to go along with this, but I  _am!_  If you want to tell people that you don't have an older brother and you went along with Kuchiki-chan and Abarai-kun's idea because you were too embarrassed to admit it, then by all means, do it."

 _That_  shuts him up.

"Look," Momo says, quietly, composed once more, observing him with a solemn expression. "I won't tell anyone, I promise. If you don't want me to help you, then I'll won't."

"No more made up backstory?"

"No more made up backstory," Momo confirms with a nod.

Something about their conversation makes him pause.

Instantly, he realizes that's the  _last_  thing he wants. Needs, even. If he doesn't have Momo, then he doesn't know who he can go to talk to when he has to vent about the lunacy of it all. Kuchiki is… difficult to confide, particularly when his standard expression is pre-emptively judging.

It's selfish of him, Toushirou knows, but he needs Momo to help maintain the charade that Hitsugaya Juushirou exists.

"Actually… on second thought, coming up with that backstory was a good idea," Toushirou admits, feeling contrite for lashing out, and not giving Momo a chance to explain herself until afterwards. Now that it's sinking in, he can see how thoughtful Momo was. He's never met his brother, but based on that characterization, it makes complete sense why they wouldn't get along at all, just like Momo had told Matsumoto. "I'm sorry, Momo. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that."

"We both overreacted," Momo says, softly, and Toushirou nods. "So… the backstory stays?"

"Yeah, the backstory stays," Toushirou concedes, rolling his eyes. It doesn't stop him from catching the slightest hint of a triumphant smile tugging at the corner of her lips, muted joy at such a small victory. He presses on, feeling clearheaded, her reprimands giving him the perspective he needs. "In the future, however, I'd  _appreciate_  it if you ran your ideas by me first,  _instead_  of having to be told about them by Kuchiki —  _Captain_  Kuchiki _— of all people."_

"No way," Momo gasps, her hand flying to cover her mouth, before lowering her hands and revealing a truly delighted smile. " _Seriously?"_

"Seriously," Toushirou confirms, before realizing that Momo probably isn't aware of Kuchiki's peripheral involvement. "He was there when this all began. Kuchiki saw me transform while we were fighting against the Quincies."

He stood there, letting Kuchiki and Abarai draw their own conclusions, silently and judgingly watching while Toushirou decided just to go with it and pretend that they were right.

Come to think about it, wasn't Zaraki also fighting nearby that day? But try as he might, Toushirou can't recall Zaraki even  _noticing_  the difference, and he's never said anything since. He probably didn't care, which was fine by Toushirou.

"So we're the only ones that know the truth?" Momo double-checks, her tone thoughtful, as she places her hand under her chin. "You, me, and Captain Kuchiki."

"That's right," Toushirou confirms, nodding. "And Baa-chan. But I don't think either of them want to be part of this."

"Baa-chan might," Momo says, blandly, blinking at him. "She always did have a sense of humour. She probably could think up some great backstory for Juushirou-kun."

"Yes, well," Toushirou flusters, remembering the bedtime stories Baa-chan used to tell. "Lucky for us that she isn't here."

They've made such a mess of the situation already, but between the two of them, Toushirou believes it's still possible to do some damage control. It's not like the situation is completely out of hand just yet.

In retrospect, it really is a clever idea that Momo created a backstory to distinguish Juushirou as his own person. If he's being honest, after he's gotten over his initial shock and horror, Toushirou doesn't  _mind_  the new additions. Except —

"Momo," Toushirou says, huffing. "Did you  _really_  have to tell people that everyone who meets him  _instantly_  falls in love with him?"

Kuchiki had been  _very_ amused, as much as he was capable at expressing emotions, Toushirou assumes, retelling  _that_  particular fact.

This,  _out of everything_  that's been said past ten minutes, is what makes Hinamori Momo blush.

" _Um,_  I mean," Momo stutters, cheeks getting darker the longer he scrutinizes her. Waiting.

Her hands wave about, stalling for time, stalling for words. Finally, she gives up, shoulders slumping, as she admits in a whisper:

"He  _is_  very handsome, Shirou-chan!"

 

 

It becomes an enjoyable partnership of sorts. Momo creates Juushirou's backstory, shapes his personality, and Toushirou offers his opinion from time to time, but mostly watches Momo get excited about the story she is bringing to life.

Matsumoto questions, Momo provides answers.

Toushirou sighs, and shares aside glances with Kuchiki, who never hears the end of it from the company he keeps, and stares back at him, unimpressed.

 

 

It's fine until it isn't — and a situations happens where the last petal of his ice flowers falls.

Daiguren Hyourinmaru matures, Toushirou transforms and —

It's just his luck that Karin is in the vicinity.

"Oh,  _wow_ , Rukia was  _not kidding_ about those abs!" Karin exclaims, eyes lighting up.

Toushirou grimaces — first, because he never wanted Karin to see him like this; secondly, because  _of course_  Karin runs towards danger instead of running away, and third, it makes so much sense that  _that_  Kuchiki would tell Karin about his… his…

"Sorry,  _what?_ " Toushirou blinks at her, stunned by what he  _thinks_  he just heard. He must have misheard, right? His mouth parts, but no words come out.

"I mean!" Karin flushes, and her hands gestures at all of him.

Toushirou waits.

"You're so…" Karin tries, but looks pained, unsure how to proceed while her entire face grows redder by the second. " _So…"_

"Care to finish that sentence?" Toushirou smirks, unexpectedly amused by her reaction. He didn't think Karin would  _flounder_. Out of everybody, the  _last_  person that Toushirou thought would be flustered by his new form would be  _Karin._  Somehow, he expected her to have a teasing quip at the ready, rolling her eyes and act as if nothing had changed. "Karin?"

"You… know who I am?" Karin's cheeks darken even more, her voice higher pitched than it normally is — and Toushirou stares at her, confused why she would even  _ask_ that.

And then it hits him.

"O-of course!" Toushirou declares, blustering, determined to not show his disappointment when he realizes that  _Karin_   _doesn't recognize him._

He towers over her now, his limbs long and spindly and entirely too much like a scarecrow for Toushirou to be comfortable with. He'll grow into it one day, since it's his future self, but for now, the change is too fast and sudden and like an itch beneath his skin that tells him that his body doesn't fit him quite right.

He'd like to say that he's getting more accustomed to his older self, but somehow Toushirou can never escape the  _strangeness_  he feels inhabiting his future body. He always has to be careful about how he moves at first, having to re-adjust his centre of balance that has shifted after he sprouts into a skinny beanpole. The first few times he times he transformed, he always fell flat on his face.

"My little brother speaks of you often!" Toushirou says loudly. Absent-mindedly, he wonders why he's prone to making dramatic announcement whenever it became apparent that nobody recognized him and he was too mortified to correct them.

Only this time, Kuchiki Byakuya isn't here to silently judge him.

"Oh?" Karin says, in a dreamy sort of voice, clearly not listening as she blinks owlishly at him, entranced and staring at his ripped shirt —

It's overkill, Toushirou knows, but it happens  _every time_ , whether he likes it or not. He doesn't mind the ice covering his body and further decorating his uniform, but he can't help but be annoyed by his ruined clothes.

"Um," Karin swallows, visibly trying to make the effort to tilt her chin up at him, fluttering her lashes as she presumably tries to focus on his words, and sound interested by what he just said. "Really?"

"Yup," Toushirou affirms, resting his hand on the back of his neck, his thumb rubbing the fleshy juncture; then continues in a gruff tone. "Pleased to meet you."

He's a bit disheartened that Karin hadn't recognised him — older but clearly resembling his usual self — especially as he's standing right in front of her, almost invading her personal space.

Guess not.

"Likewise!" Karin blurts out instantly, cheeks glazed cherry pink. "And you are?"

"Hitsugaya," Toushirou says, a little bit breathlessly, willing himself to say his own name and tease her because she's going to get  _so embarrassed_  at her failure to recognize him instead of — "My name is Hitsugaya Juushirou."

He blanches, his smirk freezes.

He hadn't… hadn't he just told himself to  _not_  to do  _that?_

"You're kidding," Karin breaks into the goofiest smile,  _delighted_ , and clearly Kuchiki Rukia hadn't told her of the latest developments, but more to the point, Toushirou has never  _ever_  seen Karin look at anyone — let alone himself — like  _that_  before. "Variations on a theme, huh?"

His new appearance might make her slightly dazed, but it doesn't take much for Karin to make a quip.

Toushirou can't help it, absurdly fond of her, and he chuckles. "Something like that."

If anything, her cheeks get pinker.

"Anyway, look," Toushirou says, his grin fading, "I have to go."

"So soon?" Karin squeaks, disappointment shuttering across her face, before she coughs, trying to regain her standard aloofness. When she speaks again, she's deepened her voice. "Um, alright then. Well. It — it was  _very_  nice to meet you!"

"Believe me, the pleasure was all mine," Toushirou states, feeling that it's an appropriately caddish statement. He hasn't acted at all like the Juushirou of Momo's imagination — a detail which he remembers entirely too late.

Oh well.

He nods at Karin one last time before he leaves.

 

 

Toushirou waits a couple of minutes before he meets with Karin again, having returned to his shorter and comfortable and not to mention  _actual_  self.

She hasn't moved from her spot at all.

"Um. Toushirou! Hey!" Karin says, cheeks glowing brightly, a grin plastered on her face, grey eyes sparkling. All of which fades the second she starts to worry about him; concern quickly making itself evident. "You okay?"

"Fine," Toushirou says tersely, trying to suppress the dizziness he feels. An aftereffect of transforming back.

It's been a while.

He always forgets that it happens until it happens.

He just needs a minute to collect himself.

"Guess who _I_  just met?" Karin asks, ridiculously excited and flailing a little, her face flush with joy. He wishes he could share her joy instead of feeling bone deep tiredness.

"… Matsumoto?" Toushirou guesses half-heartedly, fully aware that it's not the right answer.

"I  _wish!_  That would have been great too! Oh, man, she's going to be _so_  jealous when I tell her," Karin shakes her head, her famously crooked grin flashed in his direction. " _Actually_ , Toushirou, I met your brother, Juushirou."

It shouldn't feel like a gut punch and  _yet_ —

"Oh," Toushirou says, and some fragment of hope that he didn't know he even  _had_  shatters inside of him. The possibility that Karin might have seen through him and was going to tell him that she'd known it was him all along when he changed back is… gone. "Right."

"He's  _so_  cool, Toushirou!" Karin beams, hands flapping. She tries to tell him of her brief encounter, but she's so giddy and enthusiastic that her words are a jumble of syllables that she can't get out fast enough. "I mean — when I first met you I thought  _you_  were cool, but him? Meeting Juushirou?  _Wow!_  Just —  _wow!_  He's even cooler than that! He's the  _coolest!_ "

"He's okay," Toushirou shrugs, not wanting to ruin her cheerful disposition, but unable to hide his grumpiness. He doesn't think she'll notice, too wrapped up in her own excitement. "I guess."

"Speaking of, where were you?" Karin quizzes, concern filtering through as she peers at him, setting aside her rambling for clear eyed scrutiny. "I thought  _you_  were meant to save the day?"

In retrospect, this was the perfect moment to come clean.

But —

"It's kind of embarrassing to say," Toushirou mutters, cheeks heating up, and he gives in, thinking it's better just to go along with it. If he tells Karin the truth now, she'll only be disappointed, right? "But my brother has a habit of stealing the spotlight."

It's not  _exactly_  a lie.

"He just wanted to protect you, huh," Karin says, understandingly, and smiles softly at him. "Yeah, I know what that's like."

He's too tired to correct her, and so he merely nods.

"So, uh, Ran-chan told me that you two didn't get along?" Karin scuffs her shoes against the ground, her classic red sneakers studded with diamond dust, the flecks of ice left in the aftermath. "Want to talk about it?"

"Not really," Toushirou shakes his head and closes his eyes, trying to ignore the wave of dizziness that slowly overwhelms him. "Not much to say. I've just… never liked him all that much."

"Well," Karin says, looking at him, considering, before she places his arm around her shoulder, puts her arm around his waist, and together they walk at an easy pace to the nearest café. "He seemed alright to me."

 

 

 _That_ , Toushirou sourly thinks later, refusing to think about the implications, is an  _understatement_.

 

 

It's not an unwelcome sight to see Karin in his office.

Often, she comes because it's one of the few places where she can get peace and quiet. If Matsumoto can nap in his office, Karin argues, then so can she. And since Ichi-nii isn't using the Soul Tickets, mostly because Rukia and Renji prefer to take it upon themselves to visit the mortal world, Karin figures that  _she_  might as well, especially since no one has decided to take them back.

Most of the time, though, Karin visits so that she can catch up with Matsumoto, sitting on the sofa, while Toushirou half-heartedly finishes his reports for the day.

"Aw, that's so  _cute!_ Right, Captain?" Matsumoto squeals, clapping her hands in delight, and Karin muffles a squawk and tries to downplay her embarrassment by pretending she's invisible.

Toushirou looks up, barely interested. "What is?"

"Karin-chan has…  _a crush!"_  Matsumoto announces, grinning, just as Karin goes bright red.

"It's  _not_  a crush!" Karin yells, shaking her head. " _Don't_  call it that!"

"That's  _totally_  what someone  _who has a crush would say!_ " Matsumoto teases, giggling the more ruffled Karin becomes in trying to deny it more and more vehemently.

_Oh._

He knits his brow, thinking, trying to come with a name. Wonders if it's anyone he knows. If it's somebody that she's talked about lately.

He shouldn't be surprised, honestly. It was bound to happen one day.

Toushirou turns his attention to Karin, silently observing her dark pink cheeks, and asks gently, smiling softly. "On who?"

" _Nobody!"_  Karin blurts out, then stills, and then stares resolutely at her knees.

Matsumoto smiles impishly, like a cat that's got the cream and is relishing every second.

"On the hotter and sexier Hitsugaya Juushirou!"

Toushirou blinks.

"Ran-chan!" Karin yells, trying to cover her face, hiding how red she's becoming.

"Karin-chan was  _just_  telling me about the time she met your brother, Captain," Matsumoto informs him, ignoring the way Karin is shooting her glares and muttering under her breath that she should  _shut up, shut up now_. Matsumoto, of course, being Matsumoto, pays her no mind. "And it sounds to me that she  _has a crush!"_

"I… I see," Toushirou says, for lack of anything else to say.

He doesn't mean to be standoffish, still processing the news, but that's how it comes across.

"Jealous, Captain?" Matsumoto drawls, eyes twinkling as she looks meaningfully at him.

" _No,"_  Toushirou scowls, his initial shock giving way easily to annoyance. Why would he be jealous? Confused,  _maybe_ , but  _not_  jealous _._  He looks at the furiously blushing Karin, flummoxed. "You only met him once!"

And at most, five minutes!

"I know, but," Karin shrugs, and grins helplessly, giving up the pretence that what she feels for his older brother is anything other than the devastating effect of a simple crush. "Sometimes all it takes is glance."

He wonders how he didn't notice it before —  _at the time, even!_  — he's seen how Momo gets when she talks about someone she likes, lighting up like she just can't help herself, her latest literary love.

"And," Karin continues, sighing. "He's so… dreamy."

"Dreamy," Toushirou echoes, flatly. When did  _'alright'_  change to  _'dreamy'?_

"It means  _incredibly_  attractive," Matsumoto translates, helpfully unhelpful. Not that it stops her from beaming and evidently deriving entertainment at being spectator to this conversation.

" _I know what dreamy means!"_  Toushirou hisses through gritted teeth. He stares at Karin, who is still blushing. In a quieter voice, he says, "Shouldn't a crush be… I don't know… a little more substantial?"

"It's a crush," Karin answers simply. "Not love, you know?"

"I guess," Toushirou makes a face. He still doesn't like it.

"So, what was he like?" Matsumoto leans forward, intrigued. Despite her amusement in teasing both Karin and Toushirou, she has a vested interest in the development of events. "You're probably the fifth person to have met Captain Hitsugaya's brother in person."

"Seventh, actually," Toushirou mutters. Counting himself and Baa-chan, not forgetting Momo and Kuchiki, and including the two idiots who started this whole misconception, it's a grand total of seven people who have actually met Hitsugaya Juushirou. He feels it's only proper that he should include Baa-chan, considering that she helped 'raise' Juushirou and Momo and Toushirou in Rukongai.

Technically, Zaraki might count as the eighth person, but he hadn't noticed at the time, and in current day had expressed surprise of the existence of an older Hitsugaya brother, and the inevitable desire to fight him.

Of course, neither Karin nor Matsumoto pay him any attention.

"I didn't get to talk to him for very long," Karin admits shyly, her cheeks colouring once more. "But believe me, Ran-chan, you would have swooned. You really should have seen his —"

Karin breaks off midsentence, awkwardly turning to look at Toushirou, like she doesn't know if she should say things like this in front of him, regarding how  _dreamy_  his 'big brother' is.

Toushirou rolls his eyes.

"Just say it," Toushirou sighs, resigned, waving his hand flippantly at them. "I'm not going to tell him."

"— jawline," Karin finishes,  _swooning_ , and her eyes go distant, basking in the memory. Her smile turns soft, reminiscing. "It was really something."

"I bet it was  _quite_  a jawline," Matsumoto smirks, shameless.

"Oh, it  _was,"_  Karin confirms with enthusiasm, spurred by Matsumoto's encouragement. "Ran-chan, it  _really was._  But the best part was that he knew my name! He recognized me right away!"

" _Did_  he now?" Matsumoto drawls, swivelling to look at Toushirou, her eyebrow perfectly raised and full of smugness. "I imagine that Captain Hitsugaya must have spoken of you  _very_  highly to his brother then."

Karin giggles, and then claps her hand over her mouth, an oddly adorable sight.

"No more than usual," Toushirou mutters dismissively, drumming his fingers on his desk, feigning the act of trying to recall the right memory, the right conversation. "I'm certain I must have used the words… obnoxious, reckless, runs headfirst into danger, a constant thorn in my side…"

Karin visibly wilts.

"But  _also_ ," Toushirou hastens to add, not wanting to see Karin be  _too_ disheartened in his description of her, having only listed her negative traits. "Thoughtful, considerate, smart, knows how to set a person at ease, and is pretty good at soccer."

It works. Karin brightens up immediately.

"You said that about me?" Karin asks, awe in her voice.

"Probably," Toushirou shrugs, returning to his usual reticence. He only spoke his honest opinion of her. "If not those exact words, then something similar."

"And me, Captain?" Matsumoto flutters her eyelashes at him, and Karin lets loose a blinding grin. "What did you tell Juushirou about  _me?_ "

"That you're awful,  _lazy_ , and will do absolutely  _anything_  to get away from the fact that  _you should be doing your paperwork!"_  Toushirou snarls, raising his voice into a roar. He stands up, the palms of his hands slamming hard into his desk.

Papers fly, people scatter.

 

 

When Toushirou is alone in his office, and he's certain he won't be disturbed, he groans and slumps over his desk, letting what just happened truly sink in.

Karin has a crush on him.

 _No_ , he notes bitterly, correcting himself. Not  _him —_

 _His_   _future self_.

His future self who has a  _terrific jawline_ , according to Karin. His future self who has  _fantastic abs_ , according to Vice-Captain Kuchiki.

His future self who everybody, except for a select few, is under the impression that his name is Hitsugaya Juushirou and is in fact,  _Toushirou's older brother_.

_Shit._


	3. Peach Pensive

 

"Momo," Toushirou says, after he's calmed down somewhat, and decided that the next logical step is to consult his oldest friend about the unexpected turn of events. His thoughts have settled into some abject misery, and with one final attempt, he tries to expel them with a heavy sigh before meeting her eyes. The anguish remains within him, but at least he tried. "I have a problem."

"If you've come to me for help it  _must_   _be_   _bad_  — oh  _no_. No, no,  _no_ ," Momo stares at him, aghast, and Toushirou watches her face change from twinkling eyes and a fond smile to dawning horror and a gaping mouth. When Momo speaks again, her voice is strained. " _Don't_  tell me it's about your brother, Shirou-chan."

He doesn't speak.

Momo  _looks_  at him, furrowing her brows as her incredulousness increases. The seconds tick by.

"It is, isn't it?"

It's not a question, it's a statement.

She looks at him, disappointed, while Toushirou continues to not answer, heat bubbling over his cheeks.

The silence lasts for a minute, before Momo gives in with a resigned sigh.

"You know," Momo begins, clearly peeved. "You might want to consider going to Captain Kuchiki for advice one of these days, Shirou-chan."

"I couldn't  _possibly_  go to Kuchiki for this, Momo," Toushirou mutters, cheeks colouring at the thought.

First, because he doesn't have the slightest idea  _how_  to broach the topic of accidentally begotten crushes on handsomer alter egos with a Captain who is famous for ignoring his own admirers to the point of stepping over all those who dared throw themselves at his feet.

Second, it's embarrassing.

And third, Toushirou can't imagine the sort of advice the stoic man would give.

"Oh?" Momo's expression turns curious, eager to hear more. It's a crafty trick, and Hirako's influence, no doubt, as her light voice shifts into something altogether more devious. "And why's that?"

He hesitates, stalling for time until he can find the courage to say the words out loud.

"To be honest, Momo," Toushirou admits eventually, shrugging, "I doubt he'd know how to help me beyond saying 'ignore it'."

He supposes, begrudgingly, that ignoring Karin's crush on his fictional big brother  _is_ one way to deal with it. Certainly that advice is one that he can easily see Kuchiki employ himself for numerous occasions in situations that don't even come close to ill-advised infatuation.

But that doesn't mean that Toushirou  _likes_  it.

Momo giggles, and immediately stops once he glares at her.

"Momo!"

"What? It's true!" Momo says, with a smile in her voice, genuinely amused. At least she's in a mood to humour him now, putting her dismay on hold for the moment. "That  _is_  how Captain Kuchiki operates. Still, you have to admit it works out very well for him."

"I know," Toushirou agrees, wearily. "But I have feeling that ignoring it isn't the way to go."

Never mind that he's been ignoring every chance to speak about his brother before now, or if does, it's in vague terms, which Momo then elaborates on, with her penchant for spinning imaginative stories that almost feel as if they really happened.

This is different, because it's not just workplace gossip, Karin actually  _met_  Juushirou.

Karin is one of his dearest friends, and that worries him.

He has to do  _something._

"Alright, I give in," Momo relents with a sigh, placing her hands on her hips. "You've never been  _that_  bothered by our dear big brother before. Annoyed? Yes. Panicked? No. What's the problem, Shirou-chan?"

"Karin," Toushirou begins, taking a deep breath before driving the words out. "Likes me."

"She's your friend," Momo looks confused. "Of course she likes you, Shirou-chan. How are you just figuring that out now?"

"Momo!" Toushirou hisses, bristling as Momo snickers, amused by playing dense and pretending not to understand what he  _meant_. More of Hirako's bad influence, no doubt.

"I couldn't resist, Shirou-chan," Momo says with a smile that brightens her face, even as she has the good sense to look remorseful a moment later. "It won't happen again."

"It better not," Toushirou grumbles.

"It won't," Momo insists, almost a promise. She tilts her head, musing on the information that he's given her, which he wishes she could figure out without him having to say it out loud. "Okay. So, Karin-san likes you like  _that_. What does it have to do with Juushirou-kun?"

"Didn't you listen to what I just said?" Toushirou scowls, frustrated that he has to repeat himself. " _Karin has a crush on me!"_

"Karin-san has a crush on  _you_ , Shirou-chan,  _not_  Juushirou-kun?" Momo stares at him, speaking slowly. " _That's_  what the problem is?"

_Oh._

His mouth drops open when he realizes it's  _his_  fault for not being clear enough.

" _No!_  That's  _not_  —  _that's not what I meant!"_ Toushirou flusters, hastily correcting himself as he becomes even more frantic at  _that_  particular revelation, that  _insane_  possibility. For a brief second, all coherency in his mind is lost and his thoughts tie themselves into knots. Blood rushes to his face as he stutters out. "I didn't mean… it's not… it's not like that! Momo, Karin  _does not_  have a crush on  _me_  but —"

"But on Juushirou-kun," Momo finishes for him, in a gentle tone.

"Yeah," Toushirou confirms quietly, shoulders sinking.

Silence and then —

" _How?_ " Momo demands, a flash of exasperation in her eyes. She looks at him, confounded and angry and disbelieving, and Toushirou gulps. " _How?"_

She is trying very hard to curb her fury, and for that, Toushirou appreciates the effort, and does his best to answer her question.

"A couple of days ago, I was in Karakura Town," Toushirou recaps as concisely as possible, maintaining a calm tone even if he doesn't feel particularly calm. "I needed the completed version of Daiguren Hyourinmaru to defeat a Hollow. Karin happened to be nearby. She talked to me, thought that I was Juushirou, and I let her."

He clenches his hands, trying to ground himself. His heart beats frantically in his chest, a wild thing that pounds against his ribcage.

"Today," Toushirou continues, persisting to the end. "Karin tells me that she has a crush on him."

He still feels like he's in shock and the full weight of those words aren't quite hitting him, besides some instant gut feeling of anguish.

"Okay, okay," Momo says, more to herself than him, and lapses into silence, thinking. She exhales deeply, calming herself. "There's an easy solution to this."

"Yes?"

"Tell Karin-san the truth," Momo suggests, sensibly. "That there is no Hitsugaya Juushirou and she saw another stage of your  _bankai."_

"No."

" _What?"_  Momo stares at him, taken aback. "But she's your friend!"

" _Still_  no!"

"Shirou-chan!" Momo says, sharply. "It would clear up the misunderstanding  _immediately!_  Why not tell her the truth?"

" _Because,_ " Toushirou retorts, before muttering, his face growing warm. "It's embarrassing."

"Embarrassing," Momo repeats, unimpressed. She places her hands on her hips and refuses to back down. " _Embarrassing._ "

" _Yes,"_  Toushirou states firmly, folding his arms over his chest.

"Goodness gracious," Momo says, her hands flying to her face, obscuring her expression. She takes a moment, and sighs, lowering one hand back to her side, and pinches the bridge of her nose with the other. " _Fine,_  Shirou-chan.  _Don't_  tell Karin-san the truth. Maybe you  _should_  follow Captain Kuchiki's advice."

"And do  _nothing?_ " Toushirou frowns. Either tell Karin the truth or ignore it — those are his choices? Surely there has to be a third option.

His own thoughts race, reckless and frayed, spinning in circles with no alternative in sight.

"Why not?" Momo asks quietly. When he doesn't answer, she continues. "She's… thirteen now, right?"

"Fourteen," Toushirou corrects her, mumbling.

"Okay, fourteen," Momo amends, nodding, maintaining a rational cadence. "She'll probably forget about him in a week. Give Karin-san enough time and someone cuter and more handsome than our big brother will come along and steal her heart away."

He doesn't like the sound of that much.

"But you said I was handsome," Toushirou objects, vaguely aware that he's whining. "That I — that  _he_  was  _very_  handsome!"

And that everyone who meets him instantly falls in love with him!

"And?" Momo looks at him, bemused by his reaction. "Your future self is  _not_  the  _only very handsome person_  in the world, Shirou-chan. There's going to be  _plenty of other people_  that Karin-san will meet and find handsome and fall in love with."

"I guess," Toushirou looks away pointedly.

"What I'm trying to say, Shirou-chan," Momo says, breathing out slowly. "Is that Karin-san will find  _someone else_  soon enough. And if I were you, I wouldn't worry about it."

"Wrong!  _Wrong!_  You should  _absolutely_  worry about it!"

"C-Captain Hirako!" Momo stutters, going bright red as she looks at her Captain, who leans on the door to their office, with a manic smile curved across his face.

Toushirou frowns, annoyed that  _yet again_  someone had snuck up on them without his notice when they were talking about their fictional older brother.

He pales.

How  _much_  of their conversation had Hirako heard?

"First love is precious!" Hirako declares, ever bombastic. "Something you have to protect!"

"Captain, you call everyone you meet for the first time your first love," Momo notes, disapprovingly, and wrinkles her nose in distaste. "I'm not sure we should listen to  _you_."

"What can I say, my daughter? I'm a romantic at heart," Hirako says, infuriatingly nonchalant in Toushirou's opinion as he makes himself comfortable in his own office. "I can't help but fall in love with such beautiful ladies and somehow, it always, always,  _always_  feels like it's the first time."

Momo makes a face, but says nothing.

Toushirou on the other hand, desperately wishes that Sarugaki, as vexing as he found her, could be present to turn Hirako into more tolerable company. Even though he was vastly relieved that she had decided to stay in Karakura Town instead of returning to Soul Society, there was something about that smart-mouthed brat that had Hirako wrapped around her finger. Momo did an exceptional job at handling Hirako, but with Sarugaki it was an art form.

He rolls his eyes. "I do  _not_  need help from  _you,_  Hirako."

Hirako reveals his teeth in an especially charmless smile.

"Oh, I wouldn't be so dismissive, Juushirou — did I say  _Juushirou,_  I'm sorry, I meant to say  _Toushirou._ "

"It's  _Captain_   _Hitsugaya,_ actually!" Toushirou snaps automatically, fuming a little before Hirako's words catch up with him, and he gasps. "How did you…"

"I didn't tell him anything!" Momo says immediately.

The thought had never crossed Toushirou's mind.

"She's right,  _Captain Hitsugaya_ ," Hirako shakes his head and tuts at him, even though Toushirou had done  _nothing_ , not even glare in Momo's direction.

"I  _know_ ," Toushirou huffs out, annoyed, because Momo should know him better than that. He's not so irrational to start pointing fingers at everybody and anybody in a moment of paranoia. He  _can_  keep his head cool, believe it or not. "Still, Hirako, that doesn't answer how you —"

"Found out?" Hirako interrupts and finishes his sentence. He lifts his eyebrow, none too impressed. "Psh. That's easy,  _Captain_  Hitsugaya. You underestimate me."

Toushirou scowls, loathing his evasive answer.

"I'll give you a hint," Hirako winks at him, lowering his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "These walls are thinner than you think."

"What Captain Hirako  _means_ , Shirou-chan," Momo says, directing a meaningful glower at the grinning Hirako, before turning her attention back to Toushirou. "Is that  _maybe_  you should have  _waited_  until the day was over,  _and then_  found me to talk about your big brother?"

"Hey, isn't he your big brother too?" Hirako asks.

They both ignore him.

"Maybe," Toushirou concedes, sighing, duly reproached. Sometimes his impetuousness gets the better of him.

As of now, the select few that knew that Hitsugaya Juushirou was a figment of Abarai and Kuchiki's rampant imagination had increased by one. And it was  _Hirako_. Of all people.

Great. Just… great.

Maybe he should form a club.

The Secret Blame Kuchiki and Abarai For This Mess Club.

The Secret Hitsugaya Juushirou Is Actually Hitsugaya Toushirou Club.

The Secret Hitsugaya Juushirou Is A Lie Club.

… whatever he was going to call it, he'd need a better club name than  _those._

Regardless, the  _next_   _time_  he had to talk to Momo about his fictional older brother, be it updates or venting, it won't take place during work. That way he'd be secure in the knowledge that they wouldn't be eavesdropped by busybodies like Hirako or Matsumoto, both who were far more trouble than their worth.

"Oh, it's too late for that," Hirako drawls, breezily, detestably upbeat about their — more accurately,  _Toushirou's_ — carelessness. "I'm invested now. Included.  _Involved_ , some might say. And as Hinamori's Captain, I  _insist_  that I help."

There's no way that it's a good idea but —

"What do you suggest, then?" Toushirou asks, warily but politely. He  _could_  use the help, as much as he doesn't care for Hirako.

Perhaps Hirako had better luck in the actual romance department, rather than Toushirou, who has none, and Momo, who predominantly refers to books as a guideline.

(Then again, if Hirako's only  _real_  romance is  _Sarugaki_ , according to Momo's opinion, then Hirako isn't  _really_  in any position to act superior.)

Oblivious to Toushirou's increasingly disheartening thoughts, Hirako offers his brand of 'helpful' advice:

"Go back to Karin as Juushirou," Hirako says sagely, with visionary hand gestures. "Tell Karin that there can be nothing between the two of you, and break her heart forever."

"Forever?" Toushirou narrows his eyes, taken back by the bluntness of it, so different from Hirako's earlier sweeping proclamations about the importance of first love. He doesn't know who provides worse advice: Kuchiki or Hirako.

" _Not_  forever," Momo shakes her head and sends Hirako a stern look. "Captain Hirako is just being dramatic."

"Bulls-eye," Hirako snaps his finger and beams at his Vice-Captain. "But you get it, right? Karin's heart gets broken, and then you, as  _yourself,_  as  _Captain Hitsugaya_ , use the chance to swoop in and make her realize who she loves all along! You!"

Toushirou should have known that the advice had a second part, which falls more in line with what he was expecting from Hirako.

"But that's not what I want at all!" Toushirou objects, cheeks blazing. It infuriates him how  _badly_  Hirako appears to have misunderstood the situation. "What  _I_  want is for Karin to  _not_  have a crush on  _Juushirou!_ "

"Because?" Hirako inquires, arching his brow.

"Because it's a waste of time," Toushirou says flatly, stone faced, disliking Hirako's tone.

"Nope! That's not it. Wrong answer, Captain Hitsugaya! Try again," Hirako rolls his eyes, impatient all of a sudden, and animatedly waving his hands. It takes Toushirou by surprise and leaves him gaping like an idiot. " _Why_  does it bother  _you_  so much?"

" _Because_   _it's a waste of time_ ," Toushirou repeats, gritting his teeth and folding his arms over his chest and refusing to budge. He doesn't lose his temper, but is a near thing. Curtly, he feels the need to remind Hirako of the most important face. "Since Juushirou  _doesn't_   _exist._ "

"Jeez, okay. If you're going to be like that, then  _fine,_ " Hirako sighs, and the arbitrary change in his emotions stuns Toushirou. One second he's mischievous and playful, the next he's bored and sulking. Hirako stretches his arms and cricks his neck from side to side. Momo pointedly looks away. " _Fine_. I give up. Whatever."

"Captain?"

"I thought this was going to be  _fun_ ," Hirako pouts, childishly, much to Toushirou's confusion. "But if  _Captain Hitsugaya_  is going go about it like  _this_ … well, then. It's going to be an absolute  _bore_. So, I'm out. Momo, I'm leaving for a coffee break. You can find me when he's finished being hopeless."

" _Hopeless?"_  Toushirou seethes.  _How dare he!_

"Yes, Captain," Momo dutifully says, paying Toushirou no mind. "Wait, one thing!"

"Yeah, yeah. I know. Your secret's safe with me… for now."

Hirako gives a backhanded wave.

"Later, guys."

 

 

Momo sits on the sofa, makes herself comfortable.

"Maybe you should consider it," Momo says, quietly, gesturing him to join her. "Captain Hirako's advice."

"Oh  _really?_ " Toushirou can't help but sound derisive, still smarting from Hirako's infuriating remarks. He paces in the Fifth Division's office.  _Hopeless. Him?_ "Which part?"

"The breaking her heart part," Momo says, slowly. Carefully. "Cruel to be kind."

Toushirou grimaces at the thought and comes to a stop.

After Hirako departs, Toushirou feels much less irritated, and he's not so stubborn as to continue being unable to see the logic in his advice. Loathe as he is to admit it, Hirako's words  _do_  have some merit.

"I know you don't like it, but what else are you going to do?" Momo points out, glancing at him with concern. "You don't want to tell her the truth, so you either: break her heart by becoming Juushirou and treat her terribly, or it's break her heart by never letting her see Juushirou again."

"I suppose," Toushirou reluctantly concedes, despondent at the choice.

"Her heart mostly likely won't even be broken, Shirou-chan," Momo says, not unkindly. "She's only met him once, right? Karin-san doesn't know him. She probably doesn't even know…  _oh!_  She probably doesn't know what a flirt Juushirou-kun can be!"

She tries to laugh by making light of the ridiculous personality that they've constructed together for their fake brother, but it falls flat.

Toushirou shakes his head.

"I'm sure Matsumoto told Karin plenty about what the rumours say," Toushirou says pessimistically, recalling how joyful Matsumoto was when she announced that Karin had a crush on his mysterious older brother. And if not Matsumoto, then certainly Kuchiki. After all, Kuchiki had apparently greatly appreciated his abs. "I  _didn't_  flirt with Karin as Juushirou, but still…"

 _Somehow_  Karin had developed a crush on Juushirou.

"You're going to have to give me the full details of this encounter at some point, Shirou-chan. Not now, obviously," Momo sighs, and Toushirou's throat feels thick. Momo knits her brows together, thinking. "Look, to be honest with you, I think you're jumping to the worst conclusion. I mean, Juushirou-kun is more fantasy than reality, isn't he?"

"Yeah. I guess so."

"He  _is_ , Shirou-chan," Momo insists, patiently. "I mean, Juushirou-kun is new and exciting and mysterious and no one really knows anything about him except that he's related to you and he briefly appeared in the Quincy War. We've filled in the blanks a little, but that doesn't stop people from forming their own opinions about him."

And really, in the heat of the moment, when Karin met Juushirou, how much of the backstory and personality had Toushirou incorporated in his performance?

"We didn't have to," Toushirou mumbles. "We could have told the truth."

"Well, why  _haven't_  you, Shirou-chan?" Momo asks, impatiently, reaching out to him. "I know, I know _._  It's  _embarrassing_. But  _you've_  got to be one to tell them, not me."

It's  _his_  mess, after all.

Momo didn't  _have_  to corroborate Juushirou's existence, didn't  _have_  to give Juushirou his name, didn't  _have_  to provide details that would be the foundations of his personality.

"This wouldn't have happened if you didn't go along with it," Toushirou snipes, lashing out a little. He didn't tell her to go that far. "I told you to act as if you didn't know what they were talking about."

It's a pitiful and weak excuse, and completely overlooks how grateful he was at the time but  _now_  —

"I would have done!" Momo says, flushing. "If only—"

" _Matsumoto,_ " Toushirou growls. He'd nearly forgotten about that.

"If only Rangiku-san hadn't appeared and caught me off-guard," Momo sighs, self-depreciating. "I just acted without thinking…"

"It happens," Toushirou says, thinking about both his encounters when he's been mistaken for Juushirou. If he'd been a little less embarrassed, if he'd been calmer, if he'd taken the time to point out their mistake… "And, honestly, Momo, I could have said something. I could have done something; this probably would have turned out quite differently."

"Maybe," Momo says, leaning back on the sofa. "Then again, maybe not."

Would Matsumoto have believed them? Would she have listened? Or would she have taken off, and spread the word of confirmation before they even had the chance to say otherwise?

It's hard to say.

"It's not all bad," Momo admits, looking at him with a fond expression. "I have had a lot of fun coming up with stories for our larger than life big brother."

"I can tell," Toushirou says, dryly, the corner of his mouth twitching into an almost smile.

"But then," Momo narrows her eyes, and the smile in her voice turns reprimanding. "You  _had_  to up the ante once more."

"I was caught  _off guard_ ," Toushirou argues, echoing her words, because he never  _intended_  to up the ante  _at all_. "Believe me, I was  _more_  than happy to let Juushirou be nothing more than the stories you made up. The  _last_  thing I expected was that that I'd be mistaken for him in the mortal realm. I didn't think Karin would see me in that form and I certainly didn't  _expect_ Karin to even know about him, or even —"

He breaks off, unable to finish that sentence. It's too bizarre, too surreal, too absurd. He  _can't_  finish that sentence. If possible, he'd like to delude himself into denial.

"Shirou-chan, are you sure it's not something else that bothers you?"

"Like what?" Toushirou locks his jaw, tensing up. Whatever Momo is about to say, he's certain he won't like it.

"Are you jealous?" Momo asks bluntly, and barrels on before he has the chance to speak. "No,  _listen_. Listen.  _Don't_  you make that face at me, Shirou-chan! Captain Hirako might have decided for once in his life to be  _subtle_ , but if it's bothering you  _this_  much, then perhaps it's worth asking out loud."

Toushirou stares at her, flabbergasted.

"I'd rather you didn't answer," Momo says, quickly, bossily, as she stares back at him with complete seriousness. She studies him, the slant of her shoulders eventually lowering, and she relents with a resigned sigh. "But Shirou-chan, at least  _think_  about it.  _Please_."

 

 

 _Jealous_. He scoffs at the idea.  _Of what?_

_Himself?_

No matter how he thinks about it, it just sounds  _ludicrous_. What is there to be  _jealous_  about?

His future self?

His fictional big brother?

How can a person be jealous of  _that?_

 

 

He doesn't even  _like_  his future self, let alone the  _personality_  created for him, and begrudgingly decided to call 'his brother' instead.

_Jealous._

Days afterwards, whenever his mind strays into thoughts of something as inane as  _being jealous of someone who doesn't even exist_ , Toushirou can't help but instinctively roll his eyes, and feel like his teeth have been set on edge.

_Ludicrous._

 

 

In the meantime, while Toushirou deliberates on how he should proceed, Momo keeps him updated on the Shinigami Women's Association. They've mostly abandoned hope on finding the mysterious Hitsugaya Juushirou, but there's always  _one_  person who continues to be on the lookout.

"I've told Matsumoto that our dear brother is flighty," Momo reports, somewhat amused by their secret that keeps on escalating. As much as Momo likes pointing out how ridiculous their plan to continue pretending that Hitsugaya Juushirou  _exists_  is, Momo clearly delights in telling his story. Since Matsumoto can't pester details out of Toushirou, then she wheedles them out of Momo, who is  _more_  than willing to improvise and make their brother seem like a fully realized person.

So long as Momo tells Toushirou about her revisions, he has no problem with her rewriting their fictional past. On the whole, Toushirou doesn't have much input, happy to give Momo free reign, but he'll disagree if he feels the need to and will voice his thoughts if he thinks his brother is becoming a bit of a caricature or it contradicts their actual past too much. Besides, he  _likes_  that their current predicament gives them more reason to spend time together, two steps ahead of everyone else, if only barely. It's them against the world, just like it used to be.

"It just makes  _sense_  that Juushirou-kun never likes to stay in one place for too long," Momo continues, reasoning it out. "Hence why he's not in Soul Society, and why neither of us have seen him… for over a year."

"That's him alright," Toushirou nods, adding the detail into his memory. It fits perfectly with the ne'er do well attitude that both he and Momo have been crafting for their brother's personality, so at odds with their own. "He stopped to say hello, and then off he went."

"You could tell Karin-san that," Momo says, gentle but firm. There's something careful about her tone as she raises the issue once again. "Have you talked to Karin-san about Juushirou-kun yet?"

"No," Toushirou admits, pointedly looking and avoiding her gaze. "Not yet."

Momo huffs.

In his defence, he's been  _very_  busy these past few weeks, and Karin's free time has also become limited as she get used to a hectic school schedule.  _Neither_  of them has thought about contacting each other to arrange an afternoon together and catch up.

It happens.

"Shirou-chan."

He still doesn't know what he's going to tell Karin about his brother— to either come clean or ignore the issue for another day. He  _shouldn't_  ignore it, he knows, but the temptation is there, nonetheless.

"I will," Toushirou swears, meeting Momo's eyes. "Soon."

 

 

He drops by on a weekend, in the field where Karin is already playing soccer, her boots smattered in mud, legs grass stained, but all of that becomes insignificant details as Karin notices his arrival and grins at him.

It hits him hard, how much he's  _missed_  her. Something about the mere sight of her relaxes him, makes him feel happy, in spite of how conflicted he feels because of the nature of his visit.

Karin grins at him, slightly breathless, and waves, her hand stretched high in the sky.

She's missed him too.

"Hey, Toushirou," Karin greets him, kicking the soccer ball towards him. It rolls slowly and lackadaisically, in no rush at all. "In the mood for a game?"

"Yeah, alright," Toushirou agrees easily, deciding to put the reason he came to visit on hold. He stops the ball with his foot, and can't help but smile to himself, picking it up.

It's been too long since he's played soccer.

He looks at her, considering. Feeling competitive. "Best of five?"

"You're  _on_ ," Karin beams, and just like that, her excitement is infectious, pushing all thoughts of Hitsugaya Juushirou out of his mind.


	4. Cyan Conflux

 

“I think Ichi-nii and Orihime have trouble in paradise,” Karin says, out of the blue, on the walk towards her home.

“What?” Toushirou looks at her, confused and wondering where this was coming from. Moreover, why did Karin think he _cared?_ He did his best to stay out of other people’s business, and yet, people couldn’t seem to _help_ but make comments to him about other people’s relationship statuses.

What was it about him?

“It’s just a feeling I’ve had,” Karin admits, folding her arms over chest, head downcast and looking… worried. “I don’t know. Things seem a little… off with them, and I’ve tried asking but… nothing. Sorry, Toushirou, I don’t know who else to talk to about this.”

“Are they having a fight?” Toushirou asks instead, figuring it’s best to let Karin vent out her worries than have her bottle up her concern.

“No, I wouldn’t say so,” Karin shakes her head, bothered. She’s startlingly perceptive, Toushirou forgets, but then every once in a while, she’ll say something insightful, or notice something that others overlook. Karin sighs, looking up to the sky. “It’s not like… they’re unhappy, per say. It’s just… I don’t know. Something weird is happening with them right now. _They’re_ being weird, maybe.”

“I see,” Toushirou says, non-committal. Surely there can be something he can do to ease Karin’s mind… “Do you want me to get Matsumoto to investigate? She’s rather close to Inoue…”

“No, that’s okay,” Karin smiles at him, shaking her head. “I appreciate the thought, but, I’m not _that_ worried just yet.”

 _Interesting,_ Toushirou muses. “So, do you think they’ll be okay?”

“Probably, yeah,” Karin nods, after some consideration. “What relationship isn’t without its bumps, right? And if anyone can figure it out, it’s them.”

“Hm.”

“I’m probably worried over nothing,” Karin tries to pass it off with a laugh, but it sounds fake, and she can’t hide her discontent. “Just being cynical ol’ me.”

“You?” Toushirou tilts his head, unable to resist snarking at her. Nothing wrong with a bit of levity. “ _Cynical?_ ”

“Shut up,” Karin says, fondly, and lightly batting his shoulder. But she’s grinning at him, and Toushirou feels victory at the sight. Placing her hands on the back of her neck, Karin comes to a stop, and looks glances up.  “Yuzu says I am, but I don’t think so. Not really. I mean, they’re not in high school anymore. Ichi-nii’s started university, Orihime’s dedicated to her job. She’s in Karakura Town, he’s not. I don’t want it to happen, _obviously_ , but it’s not unrealistic if they decide to break up.”

“True,” Toushirou agrees, pausing before he adds, “but then again, they might not.”

He wonders if Momo’s own advice was the most useful after all — let enough time pass and the feelings will fade. To keep an eye on it, and not ignore it, but wait for the whole thing play out to its natural end and something, someone more interesting will come along and gain their attention by then.

“Time will tell,” Toushirou concludes, retroactively thinking that was exactly what he was doing _before_ Karin got involved, and look at him now, further tangled up in the mess than before.

“Eventually, yeah,” Karin agrees, with a nod. A moment later, she huffs. “But it’s such a pain not knowing how it’s going to turn out.”

“Yuzu’s right. You _are_ being cynical,” Toushirou comments, and Karin rolls her eyes in response. And then he realizes, Karin’s _hiding_ something. “Come on, what’s _really_ bothering you?”

“That obvious, huh?” Karin sighs, smiling ruefully. She starts walking, and Toushirou matches her easy pace. “Love, I guess.”

“Are you worried about your own?” Toushirou does _not_ think about Juushirou. He _doesn’t_ see a blaze of red either.

“Not especially,” Karin says, mulling it over. “More like the concept of it? Or, well, first love being your _only_ love. It seems… too romantic. You know?”

She looks at him, and Toushirou shakes his head, not quite understanding.

“Okay, so, the person you fall in love with at fifteen might not be same person you are in love with at twenty,” Karin begins, putting thought in every word. “I mean, people grow up and change and sometimes it’s better to break up than stay together because their relationship isn’t enough for them anymore.”

“You’ve been thinking about this for a while, then,” Toushirou says, softly, watching Karin.

“On and off,” Karin says, blandly. “I mean, when I think of Goat-chin, my old man, I can’t see him see him ever love someone the way he loved Kaa-chan. She was _it_ for him. But for Orihime and Ichi-nii, maybe… maybe they’ll drift apart because he’s busy with studying and she’s busy with her job.”

“You don’t think that happened with your parents?” Toushirou asks, raising his brow. “I don’t know what happened to Isshin after he left Soul Society, but I can assure you, that man was in _no_ _way_ a qualified doctor when he was Captain of the Tenth Division.”

“Good point,” Karin nods, looking at him with a crooked smile. “I still can’t believe he used to be _your_ Captain.”

“ _I_ can’t believe he’s a competent doctor,” Toushirou grumbles, and Karin snorts, cheering up. “What I’m trying to say, Karin, is that if it worked out okay with your parents, it’ll work out for Kurosaki and Inoue.”

“Probably,” Karin adds, and Toushirou amends his statement with a shrug and repeats _probably_ after her. “We don’t know what the future will bring, after all.”

It’s a… _different_ perspective on love, Toushirou has to admit. A human one. Well, _Karin’s_ view on it at least. He has to say that it’s very different to how love is perceived in Soul Society.

“I take it you haven’t met your… true love, then?” Toushirou enquires, wincing slightly at how awkward it sounds, but he’s using Momo’s words, to be fair. Momo has a better grasp on romance than he does, and he’s pretty certain that the phrase ‘true love’ is one that is part of her vernacular, whenever she’s especially excited about a particular novel that she’s read.

It’s easier to tell who a person’s true love is on paper, Toushirou remembers Momo telling him, with a wistful sigh, reality is much more difficult, and takes far longer.

Then again, why shouldn’t it?

True love is a not a decision lightly made, based on the heart and mind and soul. True love is eternal.

“True love?” Karin snorts, flashes a disbelieving grin. “You really _are_ an old man, aren’t you?”

The tips of his ears begin to burn.

“That sounds so… ancient, put like that,” Karin continues, wrinkling her nose. She laughs, though, somehow amused by the thought, and smiles at him, a little obnoxious. “ _No_ , Toushirou. I don’t expect I’ll find my _true love_ until I’m, like, thirty or something.”

“When you’re _thirty_?”

“Maybe? I don’t know, Toushirou, I just don’t think I’ll find mine in high school,” Karin’s mouth crooks into his favourite smile that always means trouble, and twists her body to fully face him. She looks at him, considering, amused. “ _True love.”_

“Shut up,” Toushirou mutters, wishing he could take it back.

It sounds mocking, coming from her. Not at all like how Momo says it, sincere and earnest and _yearning._

“Okay, I’ll grant you that what Ichi-nii and Orihime have _might_ be true love, but they were lucky,” Karin says, shrugging. She doesn’t look particularly bothered by it, almost as if she’s talking about the weather. “That being said, since we’re speaking of high school romances, _I_ got confessed to the other day!”

He blinks, wondering if he heard her right.

For being so cynical about true love and high school romances, it takes Toushirou by surprise that she’s sounds so excited by her own.

“You did?” Toushirou says, jaw dropping as she nods, pleased his reaction. Curious, he asks, “So, what was your response?”

“I said no,” Karin cheerfully informs Toushirou with a devil-may-care smirk that suggests she’s _revelling_ in the novelty of it all. “To the _first_ person.”

In a droll tone, he asks the follow up question that she _clearly_ wants him to ask. “And what did you say to the second?”

“Ah, now, _him_ I said _yes_ ,” Karin beams, smug as she tells him the details. “When he offered to pay for all my meals whenever we went on a date, how could I say no?”

He doesn’t know whether to feel relieved or disappointed or —

“Not going to lecture me about being… what did you say again… being _substantial_ , or anything?” Karin teases, when it becomes obvious he has nothing to say.

“Depends if you have a crush on him or not,” Toushirou replies, snarking.

With Juushirou, Karin had known him for five minutes, if that, so without a doubt, her crush on him was superficial, based nothing except his excessive good looks _._ With a schoolmate, however, even though her reason _still_ felt shallow to Toushirou, deciding to date him because she’d be provided for and treated like a goddess, at least she knew that person for longer than a day.

Whether Karin _had_ a crush on her boyfriend remained to be seen, but _that_ was none of Toushirou’s business.

“Hey!” Karin flushes, her smile fading. “What’s _that_ supposed to mean?”

Toushirou chooses not to answer, deciding that instead, he can find some entertainment in the situation.

“That poor fool,” Toushirou drawls, smirking, watching Karin go bright red. “What are you going to do when he runs out of money? Are you going to dump him then?”

“Take that back!” Karin whacks his shoulder, harder than before, and steps back, muttering. “It’s _not_ like that, okay?”

“That’s what it sounded like it to me,” Toushirou states simply, then asks in a quieter voice, studying her. “You like him, then?”

“Wouldn’t be dating him if I didn’t _,”_ Karin says, scowling at him, still smarting from his remark. “I _like_ him, Toushirou. He’s cute, okay?”

“But he’s not your true love?” Toushirou double checks, feeling like he’s have missed something.

Maybe it’s a human thing.

“Yeah, pretty much,” Karin nods, simply, before elaborating. “I mean, let’s say that true love is a serious relationship? Well then, I don’t really _want_ a serious relationship until I’m older. But that doesn’t mean I _can’t_ be in a relationship right now, you know? So long as it’s casual, I reckon its fine.”

“I see,” Toushirou says. It’s strange to think about because that’s not how romance works in Soul Society. But then again, this _is_ the mortal realm. “So what happens if it _does_ become serious?”

“Beats me,” Karin says bluntly, shrugging. He stares at her. “What? I haven’t thought _that_ far ahead! But if I _had_ to guess… if it became serious, and I was happy, then… hmm, I’d be okay with it. But if I wasn’t, _well,_ it’s been fun, but so long.”

“Just like that?” Toushirou blinks.

“Maybe?” Karin raises her hands, and shrugs. Her sneakers scuff the pavement. “I don’t know, Toushirou. Future’s not set in stone, you know? There’s still time for me to change my mind.”

“So, your crush on my brother then,” Toushirou drawls, figuring that now is probably a good time to bring it up. Better to get it out the way, because if he doesn’t ask right now, he probably never will, and then he won’t be able to stop thinking about it, obsessing in the back of his mind, bottling up the concern he feels.

Roughly a month has passed since Karin met Juushirou, but that hasn’t stopped Toushirou from quietly worrying.

“C’mon, it was _never_ going to happen! I’m over it, seriously,” Karin laughs, going bright red at the reminder. Her eyes widen. “Holy — Toushirou you didn’t _tell_ him that I had a crush on him, did you?”

“What kind of best friend would I be if _had?_ ” Toushirou looks at her, incredulous, as Karin breathes out, relieved.

He’s rewarded with the sight of a sweet, shy smile.

 

 

Momo was right.

He’d worried all that time for nothing.

Karin had probably pined for a week and then moved on.

Momo was right. Things had worked themselves out whether he said anything about the non-existence of a certain Hitsugaya Juushirou or not.

This was good. Right?

It was _good_ that Karin _wasn’t_ pining for someone that two foolish people had made up, and he’d inadvertently went along with, and then the rumours escalated into something he could never have predicted.

It was _good_ that Karin _was_ dating someone else — some boy he hadn’t even met, who Karin possibly only liked because he offered to pay for dates and…

He shakes his head, recalling at the last second that Karin had said that she _did_ like her boyfriend, and not just because he paid for everything.

Someone new had come along, just like Momo said.

He thinks about the other thing Momo had said that had struck a nerve with him — if he was _jealous_ of his future self and —

_No._

He puts a stop to it before the thought can finish. Momo had been right about a lot of things, it didn’t mean she was right about _everything_.

 _Is he jealous?_ Toushirou mulls over the question in his mind, feels the same scorn as last time. Again, what is there to be jealous _of?_

_His future self?_

_His fake brother?_

He scoffs, and dismisses it.

That was _absurd._

 

 

“ _Karin-chan_ said that?” Matsumoto says, astonished, the next day, after Toushirou informed her of the goings-on in Karakura Town. Her brows lift extremely high, surprised by the news. “Really? Hm. Last I heard, Orihime and Ichigo were doing just fine, the lovebirds.”

“Do you think Karin could be wrong?” Toushirou asks, drolly, sounding reluctant to ask. He still doesn’t particular _care_ , but it feels safer to verify the information with a second opinion just in case.

“I didn’t say that,” Matsumoto hums, ruminating. “She might have picked up on something, but… when I talked to Orihime last week, she seemed to be doing well. If there was something troubling her, she would have mentioned it, Captain.”

“Alright,” Toushirou nods, satisfied. Good to know.

“Why so curious, Captain?” Matsumoto asks, glancing at him with a mischievous glint in her robin-egg eyes. “I thought you weren’t interested in people’s romances?”

“I’m _not_ ,” Toushirou frowns, annoyed at how swiftly Matsumoto pounces on opportunities to distract him and divert his attention from the fact that she is _neglecting to do her paperwork_.

Matsumoto raises her eyebrow. “Are you sure?”

He flushes, feeling defensive. After a pause, he mumbles, admitting, “It’s just something Karin said.”

“Mmhm. I _see._ This is making _much_ more sense now,” Matsumoto asks, grinning from ear to ear, clearly charmed. “Did Karin-chan happen to give you her ‘I’m a realist’ rant?”

“I suppose she did,” Toushirou says, sighing. “It’s… one way to look at love.”

“Yeah,” Matsumoto agrees, full of mirth. “And then she gets really excited about her first ever boyfriend!

She claps her hands, jubilant.

“I wouldn’t say she was _that_ excited,” Toushirou mutters, starting to feel cranky.

“Well, she _was_ when _I_ talked to her about him,” Matsumoto says, beaming. “He’s a _very_ cute boy, Captain. _Definitely_ competition!”

“Against who?” Toushirou asks flatly. He’s never in the mood for Matsumoto’s teasing remarks, but especially not now. “My brother?”

Matsumoto whistles, playful. “ _Perhaps._ ”

“You know what they say,” Toushirou heaves out an annoyed sigh, bitterly regretting this conversation. His voice heavily laden with sarcasm, Toushirou reminds Matsumoto of the rumours. “Juushirou’s a _catch_.”

His fingers drum on the table, loudly.

“Why does it matter, Matsumoto?” Toushirou asks eventually, when he can stand the silence no longer. “Karin has a boyfriend. And Juushirou is… who knows? Probably somewhere far, far away from either Soul Society or Karakura Town.”

“Mm, true,” Matsumoto smiles impishly, and shrugs, dismissing his complaints in favour of gossip. “Still, you should take a look at Karin’s sweetheart.”

He raises his eyebrow at Matsumoto’s choice of words. “She sent you photos?”

“Of course!” Matsumoto beams, triumphant and sauntering towards him. She fishes her phone out. “I _had_ to know what he looked like!”

“Does he have a name?”

“Karin-chan didn’t tell you? I think said he was called Daiki,” Matsumoto murmurs, absentmindedly, her attention focused on her phone, before: “Aha! Found him!”

Toushirou stares, keeping his expression carefully blank.

Brown hair. Brown eyes. A nice smile. Freckles.

“So what do you think?” Matsumoto says, after Toushirou has handed her phone back. “Cute, right?”

“Yes,” Toushirou agrees eventually, somewhat curt. “I suppose so.”

“She’s got good taste, that’s for sure,” Matsumoto grins sunnily, as she returns to comfortably sitting on the sofa, and leaning her head back so that she stares at the ceiling. He’s not sure when this conversation started turning into gossip, but he doesn’t like it. “Aw, she’s growing up so fast, Captain! And to think that just a few weeks ago, she had the most _adorable_ crush on your older brother.”

He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to respond to that. He just feels awkward.

“Yeah, well,” Toushirou mutters, flustering as he tries to think of something to say, and finishes inelegantly with: “It was never going to happen.”

 

 

He’s glad that Karin has moved on.

Really.

It means that Toushirou is spared from the distress of seeing Karin pine for someone who doesn’t _exist_.

And _yet_.

 _Something_ about Karin’s crush on his ‘older brother’ piqued his curiosity. Maybe it was her expression, that day, Toushirou muses, recalling how star-struck Karin had been. At the time, he’d been unaware that she’d been smitten, but on reflection, he could see it clearly, and couldn’t rid himself of the memory. Karin had clearly _liked_ what she’d seen, even if she was at a loss of her trademark snappy comebacks.

It surprised him.

Never had Karin stuttered or became that affected by a person before, but then, Toushirou surmises, he’d never seen Karin develop feelings for someone. Maybe Karin _was_ tongue-tied around her boyfriend, Daiki, and Toushirou had yet to see that side of her. Maybe Matsumoto was right, and Karin was excited to date Daiki, and excited that Daiki wanted to date _Karin._

But the way Karin had talked about Daiki… hadn’t suggested it.

She said that he’s _cute_. Said that _he’d pay for all their meals when they went out on dates._ Said _she wouldn’t be dating him otherwise_.

Something about the way she’d said that had struck a nerve with Toushirou. It had seemed… so shallow.

He knows he shouldn’t be so quick to judge, but… still.

It’s a side of Karin that he never knew existed. He’s never thought of her as _shallow_ before, but… between Juushirou and Daiki; she’d displayed her shallowness in very different ways and Toushirou doesn’t know what to make of it.

As far as he knew, she’d never acted like that around _him_. And… that was good, right?

It meant that Karin saw Toushirou as her friend, nothing more. She doesn’t have to put on an act, always speaking her mind, enjoying the times he drops by to visit her in Karakura Town, and is more than comfortable to take it upon herself to drop by the Tenth Division’s office if she needs to.

Even though they’ve bickered and butted heads from time to time, because both Toushirou and Karin could be stubborn like nobody’s business, they were closer because of it, and they knew how to find a middle ground.

On the whole, there was something… remarkably easy-going about their friendship, which he appreciates.

Somehow, Karin _enjoys_ his frosty personality, thinking highly of him, even if she likes to poke fun at him — and for someone who has had difficulty in gaining friends, especially back in the days of Rukongai, Toushirou is glad that he met her. He likes her brash but thoughtful natures, how easily she wears her heart on her sleeve, and the fact that she’s never once been afraid of him.

Except now there’s the existence of his fictitious older brother and Karin having temporary romantic feelings for him — insistent that it’s a _crush_ — and suddenly everything become _far_ more complicated than Toushirou could have ever imagined.

He buries his face in his hands. Groans.

_A counterfeit brother._

How did things escalate this badly? Rationally, he knows he _should_ have put a stop to the rumours, right at the beginning, and then, he shouldn’t have let Momo add fuel to it, creating a feasible backstory, and _yet._

And yet he _couldn’t_ , because he _cannot_ bring himself to admit such an _embarrassing_ truth.

It had gone on for _far_ too long to suddenly announce to everyone that actually, there was no Hitsugaya Juushirou. That it was Hitsugaya Toushirou all along, and it was because of his _bankai_ needing to age him up in order to sustain that kind of power —

Nobody had to know that he didn’t like how he looked in the future.

He was _fine_ with ignoring the hype, the gossip, the fan club the Shinigami Women’s Association decided to devote to Hitsugaya Juushirou. Toushirou had his own, and ignored it easily. He was _content_ with the way things were, perhaps not happy with it, but he was willing to _wait_ for it to blow over.

But then Karin happened.

And, well.

 _That_ complicated things.

 

 

He just wants to _check_ , he tells himself during the week, each time he feels uneasy. There’s no harm in it.

Karin has a boyfriend. Toushirou knows that. He is not going to undermine that.

Hitsugaya Juushirou might be flirt, but even _he_ knows how to be gallant.

Toushirou makes a mental note to tell Momo that later. He does have _some_ creative input, after all.

He wants to be _sure_ that Karin is over Juushirou. There is _nothing_ wrong with that.

And so, one sunny afternoon, Hitsugaya Juushirou seeks out Kurosaki Karin.

 

 

Hitsugaya Juushirou, Toushirou reminds himself, as he takes a deep breath and forces himself to relax, before he uses _bankai_ to become his future self, is flirty, ditzy, _and_ not to mention an irrefutable narcissist.

“Okay,” Toushirou mutters under his breath, transformed. He’s ready as he’ll ever be in becoming his imaginary brother’s persona. “Let’s do this.”

He spots Karin practising soccer, bouncing the ball on her knee, and draws himself up.

“Hey! Karin!” Toushirou greets, as Juushirou, and instantly feels stupid.

Will she see right through him and realize who he is, or will she continue to believe that he is Toushirou’s older brother?

He stands there, tall and towering, watching Karin turn to the direction of his voice, watching Karin turn to look at him, and when she finally does, it’s like the world stops for just a moment.

Toushirou feels nervous, all of a sudden. The sensation builds in his stomach, makes his chest feel tight, and he wants her so badly to figure out it’s _him_ , without him having to outright tell her.

Her eyes widen, then her face flushes, and then the ball is left to roll away as she forgets to kick it back up in the air.

And then the biggest smile Toushirou has ever seen graces Karin’s face.

“No way, _Juushirou!_ ” Karin beams, beatific, surprise shifting into delight. She raises her hand and waves. “Hey, yourself! What are you doing here?”

Toushirou’s mind goes blank.

What _was_ he doing? What was _Juushirou_ _supposed to be doing?_

He was… he was here to _check_ that Karin _didn’t_ have a crush on him! Yes! That was it! But… how exactly does someone do that?

He should have gone to Momo and consulted her instead of impulsively going to Karin.

He should have done a test run with Momo, to get a feel for the louder than life character that both of them had created.

It’s all well and good to decide that Juushirou was a flirt, a ditz and a narcissist, but for Toushirou to _act_ like that is a problem, considering it’s the opposite of how he behaves, and is only now just realizing he might not have the capability to pull it off.

Too late now.

“I was in the neighbourhood,” Toushirou admits, eventually, after a prolonged pause, hoping that it could somehow be mistaken as a _dramatic_ pause instead of letting the silence go on for too long because he didn’t know _what_ to say. He continues, determined to suppress his self-consciousness. “I wanted to see what you were up to. If that’s okay?”

“Um,” Karin says, blinking rapidly, and gulps. Her cheeks blossom into a colour redder than roses, clearly trying to think up words in response to him. She doesn’t hide her obvious delight that he specifically came to see _her_ , lighting up with a smile _._ “That’s… _yeah._ That’s _more than okay_. I mean, you’re Toushirou’s brother, so, if he’s cool, _you’re_ cool. You know?”

“He’s cool, sure,” Toushirou nods, finding adorable how Karin is rabbiting with her words, nervous but pleased, all the same. Since Juushirou is narcissist and probably can’t stand being on the same level of coolness as his younger brother, Toushirou declares with a flourishing stance and a raised voice. “But _I’m_ cooler.”

Instantly, he feels like a prat.

Karin snorts, then bursts into giggles.

Toushirou tries to fight the heat spreading on his face, hoping that Karin’s reaction is a step in the right direction.

He waits for her giggles to end, his expression frozen on his face. He hopes that he looks nonchalant rather than mortified by the lame joke he made.

“You’re something else, that’s for sure,” Karin says, lips quirked into grin, amusement laced into her voice. She tucks a loose strand of hair that’s fallen out of place behind her ear, bites the corner of her mouth, and then looks up at him, considering. “Not exactly what I had in mind for Toushirou’s older brother.”

He raises his eyebrow at her, tilts his head slightly. Haughty. But when he speaks, his voice is confused. Almost hurt. “Didn’t Toushirou tell you about me?”

He doesn’t know what he’s doing. Everything Momo has ever said about Juushirou is just… _gone._ He can’t remember what she said beyond: _flirty, ditzy and narcissist_ , so now he’s forced to _improvise_ and make it up as he goes along _._

The important thing is to stay calm.

“Not really, no,” Karin folds her arms across her chest, and shakes her head.

Matsumoto hadn’t said anything to Karin? Nor Kuchiki?

Nothing?

Toushirou swings his limbs, feeling like a scarecrow, but Juushirou places his hand on his heart, like he’s been wounded, the melodramatic fool. Feeling very much like a caricature, Toushirou shakes his head, opens his mouth, and says —

“For shame, baby brother! For _shame!_ ”

If Toushirou actually _had_ an older brother like this, he has no doubt he would _hate_ him _._

“Hey, don’t say that,” Karin protests, a loyal friend to the end. “He’s not so bad.”

“No, I suppose not,” Juushirou ruefully concedes, Toushirou more than happy to backtrack and agree with her. Under the pretence of being overly dramatic, he lets out a heavy sigh. “He is my brother, after all. He can’t be _all_ bad, even if we are as different as night and day.”

What are words? What is acting?

Toushirou sorely regrets coming here at all. He’s making such a fool out of himself.

“I’m beginning to see why you two don’t get along,” Karin mutters, and he bristles.

“I… wouldn’t say _that!_ ” Toushirou lies through his teeth, struggling to remain in character.

It’s true that Juushirou’s personality _does_ annoy him, but Toushirou has given their dynamic some thought, to really sell the realism of being actual brothers, and had decided that no matter how many times they clash, Toushirou’s personality wouldn’t annoy Juushirou nearly as much as Juushirou’s personality annoys Toushirou.

“We get along just fine, Karin,” Toushirou says, with great difficulty in conviction. “Toushirou is just… very serious and very grumpy, you know? Always in a bad mood for some reason. I try so hard to cheer him up, but then… without warning, he explodes at me! Ha!”

Toushirou forces himself to laugh. Laugh light-heartedly. Laugh like Juushirou is unaware that the fault is his own.

Internally, he winces. He knows he can be self-depreciating at the worst of times, but even this is a _bit_ much, right?

Should he really be saying these things about himself?

“Um, Toushirou isn’t the type to explode for no reason, Juushirou,” Karin says, slow to respond, taken aback by his response. “I should know, I’ve made him mad more times than I can count, but the thing is, I know that usually it comes from a well-meaning place. Most of the time. The other times, it’s ‘cause he doesn’t know better.”

Toushirou resents that, but because he’s Juushirou, he lets her continue.

“Sure, he’s serious and grumpy,” Karin acknowledges, with an oddly fond smile. “But he happens to be my best friend.”

Toushirou can’t help but _beam_ at Karin, basking in her praise.

“And I am _delighted_ to hear it!” Juushirou declares, nodding approvingly, a heartbeat later. Toushirou snaps his fingers and instantly regrets that decision. Nevertheless, as Juushirou, he blusters onwards, voice booming like it did when he was talking to Abarai and Kuchiki under that mistaken pretence. “That was a test, and you passed with flying colours.”

Karin stares at him.

He flashes a grin.

Karin continues to stare at him.

His cheeks hurt from smiling too long.

… it’s too late to undo that character choice. He can’t go back in time, however much he wishes he _could_.

“Um,” Karin says, looking at him utterly baffled, gaping, and yet doing her best to make sense of the ridiculous sentence he just said. “… _what?”_

Toushirou doesn’t blame her.

He’s confused too.

He doesn’t know what he’s doing.

At all.

“I worry about my baby brother,” Juushirou explains after a pause, simply. Simple is best, Toushirou thinks, mind racing as he comes up with reasonable-ish sounding answer. “He doesn’t have a lot of friends, you see. And well, since he talks about you so often, and with so much praise, that I… well. I had to know what kind of person you were, seeing as I didn’t get the chance to, last time.”

“So. So, wait. Let me get this straight,” Karin looks at him, mouth parted, lashes fluttering as the cogs turn in her brain. “You were _looking out_ for Toushirou?”

“Yeah!” Toushirou winks at her. Juushirou, Toushirou realizes belatedly, would probably say something cheesy like _bingo_ instead. Like hell he was about say something like that. He could barely wink at Karin and _not_ cringe at his own actions. “And you passed.”

“Oh… um. Good,” Karin says slowly, stunned. As if it was difficult to wrap her head around the revelation that Juushirou was an oddly protective older brother. “Great.”

Toushirou can hardly believe it himself.

“Yes,” Juushirou agrees, confirming, and then adds, because Toushirou maintains that he _must_ be a gentleman, if an unexpectedly eccentric one. “But I can go, if you want?”

Karin’s passed ‘the test’ apparently… does Juushirou really need to be here any longer?

“No!” Karin says, quickly, and Toushirou freezes. She clears her throat, cheeks pinkening. “Um, I mean… stay a while. Yeah. Hey, Juushirou, do you… um… want to play soccer with me?”

“Soccer?” Juushirou echoes, while Toushirou blanches, rapidly becoming aware that he _did not think this through_.

“Yeah, soccer!” Karin nods, gaining her gung-ho confidence back, and leaping at the chance to shine and show off her skills. “I don’t know how much Toushirou has told you about me, but… I’m pretty good at the sport. Better than he is, by far.”

There’s bragging rights, and then there’s bragging _lies._

“Really?” Toushirou drawls, picking up the soccer ball. He scrutinizes it like he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do with it. Absent-mindedly, he wonders how far Karin is willing to go uttering such _blatant_ untruths.

“Mmhm,” Karin nods, absolutely _shameless_. Arms akimbo, she stands on her tiptoes and says with complete seriousness. “I taught him all I know. So he’s good, but he’s not as great as me.”

How lucky for Karin that Toushirou isn’t here. _Oh, wait…_

He’s just about to open his mouth and disagree — because it wouldn’t be uncharacteristic to defend his own — no, wait, his _brother’s_ — honour. Right?

“I take it… you don’t know how to play soccer, huh?” Karin says, and looks up at him, hopeful. “I can teach you, if you like?”

He throws the ball up in the air, and catches it with his hands.

“It’ll be fun, I promise,” Karin says, grinning like she knows she’s already got him, hook, line and sinker before he’s even said _yes_.

“Alright,” Toushirou gives in, reluctant to refuse. He rolls his eyes. “ _Since_ you promised.”

 

 

Toushirou is quick to realize that he has made a mistake.

In the body of his future self, his limbs are too long and spindly for his liking. The change in height means that his centre of gravity has shifted, and though he’s able to adjust to it during a fight, there are a few missteps in the first few moments upon his completing Daiguren Hyourinmaru. It’s his pride that vainly hopes that nobody notices his exaggerated movements as he tries to regain his balance and accustom himself to the change.

He’s had practice getting used to this body in a fight, but when it’s something as trivial as _bouncing a ball_ —

“I thought I’d be better at this,” Toushirou mutters, _frustrated_ by how much he feels like a stranger in his own body. It’s like the first few times he completed Daiguren Hyourinmaru all over again.

“You will be,” Karin says, patiently, trying to hide her smile but being utterly unable to do so. “Just give it some time. We can’t all start off as talented soccer players, can we?”

She helps him up from the grass.

_Again._

“Watch me,” Toushirou huffs, gritting his teeth. “Just you wait.”

“Whatever you say, Juushirou,” Karin humours him, and laughs at he looks at her, hopeless, her cheeks flushed, soft and pink.

 

 

When Toushirou gets fed up of genuinely being _bad_ at the basics of soccer — which infuriates him to an uncanny degree because he really thought he’d be better at it in his future self’s body than he _is_ — he bids his farewell.

Now is the time to flirt, Toushirou decides, determined that Juushirou won’t overstep Karin’s boundaries.

He takes her hand.

“Thank you, Karin,” Juushirou says gallantly. Spurred by the desire to do _something_ swoon worthy, he kisses her hand. “For an afternoon most magical.”

“Um, s-sure,” Karin says, flustered by the gesture, and uses her other hand to tuck her hair behind her ear. She grins at him, like she can’t help herself, bright and brilliant. “We should do this again sometime.”

“You can count on it,” Juushirou promises sincerely, before he disappears in front of her without a trace.

 

 

That was _exhausting_ , Toushirou thinks later, not yet fully recovered from the ordeal. Not just in terms of physicality, but in _personality_.

How can anyone _stand_ it?

It occurs to Toushirou as he reflects that he might have made things worse, somehow, not better.

“Oh no,” Toushirou inhales sharply, suddenly cognizant of his actions, conscious of how they might have been perceived by Karin. In an instant, he knows that he has, without a doubt, made things _so much worse_.

Blood drains from his face.

What had he _done?_


	5. Hook Honeydew

 

“Maybe,” Toushirou says to himself, out loud, forcing his voice to be calm in hopes that his thoughts would follow suit and _shut up_. “Maybe I _haven’t_ ruined everything.”

He takes a deep, deep breath. Releases it slowly.

Saying it aloud doesn’t make him believe it any less, _but_ there _is_ something cathartic about it anyway.

“After all,” Toushirou continues, voice insistently measured, as he tries to lay out the facts as he knows them. Sometimes iteration _helps_. “I don’t know _how_ Karin will react. I don’t know _what_ she thinks. I don’t know what will happen _next.”_

Of course, he _could_ jump to a few conclusions if he wanted to predict a couple of worst case scenarios — that he had made Juushirou _too_ irresistible, _too_ alluring, _too_ suave and Karin would dump this ‘Daiki’ in an instant and immediately want to be with Juushirou but —

“I am overreacting,” Toushirou says in a whisper, angrily wishing that his thoughts weren’t so _loud._ He closes his eyes and breathes out and lowers his shoulders, hoping that he will believe his own lies. “I. Am. Over. Reacting.”

Toushirou gives up eventually, making himself a cup of tea before promptly going to sleep.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

 

 

Tomorrow is _not_ a better day.

Tomorrow is a _worse_ day.

Toushirou wakes up feeling groggy; having slept restlessly, his mind still whirring from yesterday’s mistakes. 

That doesn’t stop him from _trying_ to be objective; sorting out some factual evidence that he’s gleaned from this nightmare of a situation, hoping that this time around he’d be more successful at either finding a solution or feeling neutral about it instead of instantly jumping into panic mode.

He knows that Karin had liked the _look_ of Juushirou. He knows that Karin considered Juushirou to be _attractive_ even if she didn’t know his _personality_ that well.

In hindsight, Toushirou had _not_ reacted well to that revelation.

However, whether Karin _continued_ to like Juushirou after Toushirou had… had talked and behaved like he imagined Juushirou might… and Toushirou has to pause at _that_ thought, and repress the embarrassment that threatened to consume him, it was an entirely different issue.

Maybe Karin found Juushirou’s personality off-putting. Maybe Karin thought Juushirou’s personality was appealing.

Toushirou has no idea, because when the whole ‘Hitsugaya Juushirou’ debacle started, long before Juushirou even had a _name_ , long before _Karin_ had become a part of it, he hadn’t designed his fictional older brother’s personality to correspond with Karin’s perfect fantasy boyfriend.

Momo had created Juushirou’s personality to be the exact opposite of Toushirou.

But _what if_ the person that Karin is romantically inclined towards _is_ the opposite of him?

_What then?_

 

 

 _Wait and see_ , Momo had told him, right at the beginning, and like a fool, he hadn’t listened.

This time, he would.

 

 

Two days later, when Toushirou approaches his office, he hears the voices of Matsumoto and Karin in enthusiastic conversation inside.

“How _sneaky_ of you!” Matsumoto lauds in a delighted voice. She claps, full of praise. “Karin-chan, you clever girl.”

“Yeah,” Karin replies, and Toushirou can _hear_ her smirk, all too easily imagining his best friend looking satisfied, _glowing_ , like she did when she’s particularly smug about something, not even bothering to keep the smile off her face. “I thought so too.”

“What?” Toushirou says, intrigued by the subject matter, and deciding that he shouldn’t eavesdrop any longer and enters his office. “What happened?”

“Nothing!” Karin shrieks, her voice uncharacteristically higher pitched than normal.

He folds his arms across his chest, unconvinced.

Toushirou waits.

“ _Fine_ ,” Karin rolls her eyes, cheeks flushing as she tells him. “Your brother dropped by.”

“I see,” Toushirou says, outwardly non-committal. Inwardly, he begins to prepare himself for both outcomes. “And?”

“And _nothing!_ ” Karin states tersely, continuing to be flustered as she stresses once more, glancing at Matsumoto, with a meaningful look, and to Toushirou, with a slightly guilty look. “Absolutely _nothing_ happened.”

Matsumoto snorts.

“Karin-chan played soccer with Juushirou, Captain,” Matsumoto announces cheerfully, much to the consternation of Karin.

“Ran-chan!”

“You’re among friends,” Matsumoto winks, utterly delighted with the state Karin is in. “There’s no need to be shy.”

“ _Still,_ ” Karin says, pointedly after a beat. She huffs, and then sits up, her back ramrod straight, hands folded over her chest, suddenly way too defensive it’s almost comical. Her cheeks darken red as Karin mumbles. “Yeah, we played soccer for a bit. Nothing wrong with that.”

“Of course not,” Toushirou drawls, quashing down any niggling feelings that suggest that he might have made the situation worse. It was just soccer, after all. Badly played soccer, but still.

It’s been two days since he’s played soccer as Juushirou, and that’s plenty of time to have calmed down and realize that Matsumoto would try and hype it up.

Toushirou refuses to give her the satisfaction, keeping his expression unimpressed. “Even _I_ play soccer sometimes.”

Karin plays soccer with a lot of people. Nothing wrong with that.

“True,” Matsumoto agrees easily. If she’s disappointed by his reaction, then she doesn’t show it. Undeterred, she looks knowingly at Karin, and grins delighted at her. Karin glances at her, warily. “ _Except_ it wasn’t _playing_ soccer, was it, Karin-chan?”

Matsumoto waggles her eyebrows, and Karin _laughs_ , evidently finding Matsumoto’s reaction ridiculous.

“No, I guess not,” Karin amends, smiling good-naturedly at Matsumoto in her unbridled glee. Karin turns to Toushirou, and says, matter of fact, “I just taught him the basics. Happy, Ran-chan?”

_“Very.”_

“Was he any good?” Toushirou enquires, wondering if Karin would sugar-coat the truth or lie.

“Yeah, he was alright,” Karin says, diplomatic. “I found it a bit weird that Juushirou didn’t know anything about soccer, though.”

“Is that weird?” Toushirou asks, surprised for a second before the solution comes to him in an instant. “It’s not like I carry a soccer ball to our family reunions, Karin.”

The image of Momo, Juushirou and himself being a soccer trio of some sort is, quite frankly, _absurd_.

“I guess,” Karin shrugs. “It’s just. Didn’t you tell him that I was good at soccer?”

“I did,” Toushirou confirms, feigning the act of thinking back, while he comes up with a plausible explanation, not sure which scenario he prefers. Maybe Juushirou never bothered to ask. Maybe Juushirou _did_ ask, and Toushirou told him, and then Juushirou promptly forgot. “It probably slipped his mind. Juushirou can get… carried away at times.”

“At last, a family resemblance,” Matsumoto cheers, and Toushirou promptly ignores her.

“Fair enough,” Karin says with a small smile, amusedly glancing at Matsumoto. “Well, that’s pretty much all there is to it. Juushirou dropped by for an afternoon, I gave him a brief rundown of how to play soccer, we hung out and it was fun.”

“The way Karin-chan told it to _me_ , Captain,” Matsumoto pipes up, ever so sly and crafty. “Made it sound like she was being _very_ helpful.”

“Oh, _absolutely,_ ” Karin agrees, appreciatively, and they grin at each other, then burst into _giggles._

Not knowing what to do, Toushirou just stands there awkwardly, until they stop.

“I’m a very good teacher,” Karin states simply, trying to smother her grin, as if that’s that.

She was _not_ , Toushirou wants to object, but he’s not supposed to know what actually happened that day.

“And Juushirou is _very_ clumsy, I hear,” Matsumoto teases, and Karin’s cheeks glaze pink. “I expect he’s glad he met such a helpful girl like Karin-chan to whip him into shape.”

“Don’t talk about my brother like that!” Toushirou snaps, heat rising through his cheeks at the insinuation. He _refuses_ to think about how his clumsiness is an occasional side effect of having to get used to growing tall so fast and he _definitely_ could do without any commentary from Matsumoto’s filthy mind.

The only good thing about practising being his future self is that he becomes less clumsy the more he uses it.

He was just about okay the first time he met Karin as Juushirou, since he didn’t have to move at all. The second time, not so much. On top of feeling self-conscious and tense, it was difficult to even _kick_ the ball because he wasn’t _used_ to playing soccer in that form and didn’t feel in control. Of course he’d trip up and pratfall.

He’d get better at it, of course. Hopefully, he’ll regain his bearings much quicker than this time around.

He’s just rusty at the moment.

“ _Then again_ , what if that was part of his ploy?” Matsumoto winks, with an air of conspiracy. “What if he _liked_ how helpful were you being, and fell a few more times on purpose?”

No.

Just… _no._

“What are you saying?” Karin arches her eyebrow, her voice taking on a conspiratorial tone, matching Matsumoto’s. “That getting a close up was my reward?”

Matsumoto looks inordinately _pleased_.

“Bingo,” Matsumoto snaps her fingers, and Karin’s blush floods into a darker colour. “You did say he some pretty _phenomenal_ abs, right, Karin-chan?”

“Um,” Toushirou says, before Karin has the chance to speak, and Karin blinks at him, like she’d forgotten he was in the room. “ _What?_ ”

It’s not that he doesn’t know that his _future self_ has ‘phenomenal abs’ — ever since Kuchiki pointed them out, and Karin had _readily_ agreed with her, in utter awe.

But it still takes him by surprise to be found _attractive_.

“What are you saying?”

“That Juushirou is a smooth operator, Captain,” Matsumoto reports cheerfully, flashing a smile. “And Karin-chan is a saucy minx, _that’s_ what.”

It had never occurred to Toushirou that Juushirou’s action s could be interpreted like _that_. For a moment he second-guesses himself, but that doesn’t make _sense._ He would never be _intentionally_ clumsy, just for the sake of letting Karin pull him up. If Karin had tripped up, he would have offered his own hand to help her without even thinking about it.

Then he remembers: Matsumoto liked to rile people up, saying things she didn’t mean just to make to embarrassed.

This was just another one of those times.

How easily he forgets.

 

 

“Don’t you have a boyfriend?” Toushirou lifts his eyebrow, as he walks her back to her home. Usually Matsumoto does it, but this time she _insisted_ , scarpering the first chance she got.

Besides, he just wants to _check._ No harm in that, this time around.

He’s positive.

“I do, yes,” Karin says, folding her arms, and raising her chin at him. “What about Daiki-kun?”

_Daiki-kun._

He pauses, swallowing, and then asks, tacitly. “Should he be worried?”

_Jealous, even?_

“No, why?” Karin blinks at him, and he can’t decipher whether it’s a feigned look of innocence or genuine confusion. She reiterates. “All I did with Juushirou was teach him the basics of soccer. Ask him if you don’t believe me. Seriously, Toushirou, what’s there to worry about?”

“I don’t know,” Toushirou says, even though he knew he shouldn’t be worried— he was _there_ , he was _Juushirou,_ after all. But his heart is thunderous in his chest, still not in the clear yet. Even with common sense at his side, he can’t escape the doubtfulness, what disastrous _what if_. “Nothing, I guess.”

“You seem disappointed,” Karin teases, and looks at him with fondness. There’s an amused smile playing on her lips as she waits for him to respond.

“Relieved,” Toushirou instantly corrects her, setting his mouth into a frown. He shakes his head and sighs, admitting, “Matsumoto had made it sound like…”

“ _Oh,_ ” Karin’s cheeks redden when she realizes what he’s referring to and her eyes widen before she looks away. There’s a moment of awkwardness, before Karin tries to shrug it off and sound light-hearted. “C’mon. You know Ran-chan. What she’s like.”

“Always making something out of nothing,” Toushirou agrees with a wistful smile, hands in his pockets and staring at his shoes. He feels like a fool. “I should have known better.”

He’s doesn’t want to see what expression is written on her face.

“Yeah, pretty much,” Karin confirms, gently and there’s no malice in the sound of her words, only affection, ringing loud and clear. Toushirou doesn’t have to look at her to know that she’s smiling at him. He can hear it in her voice, warm and bright like sunlight. “Your brother’s hot, Toushirou, but, not _that_ hot. Were you… hey, were you _worried_ about me?”

“ _No_ ,” Toushirou answers, after a pause, indignant. Heat suffuses through his face. He _wasn’t._ Not like _that_. Not _really._ “I was… I was worried about _him.”_

_“Juushirou?”_

“Yeah,” Toushirou nods, with false conviction. “You don’t know him that well, Karin.”

“Can’t say that I do,” Karin agrees easily, and then regards him thoughtfully. “Think I’m beginning to get an idea though.”

“Is that so?” Intrigued, Toushirou meets her gaze and indulges in his own stupid brand of reluctant curiosity. “What _did_ you think of him?”

“He’s fun,” Karin admits with a megawatt grin. “I like him. He’s kind of ridiculous, you know?”

That’s one way to describe him, Toushirou supposes, nodding. Karin’s right. Juushirou _is_ ridiculous, and that’s one of the reasons that Toushirou doesn’t like him.

“He’s… a little bit more head in the clouds than I would have guessed, but that’s alright. Juushirou seems like a person that I could really get along with,” Karin finishes, honest, and then with a sheepish smile, she gives him a nudge. “I thought that he’d actually be… more serious.”

“Serious?” Toushirou repeats, baffled.

“Mmhm,” Karin nods, folding her arms behind her heads, freely sharing her thought. “If you asked me what I thought Juushirou would be like _before_ I met him, I’d have said that he’d be serious. Yeah. More like you. Maybe aloof. Big brothers tend to be aloof; Ichi-nii is _definitively_ aloof. I wouldn’t have guessed in a million years that he’d be your polar opposite.”

“That’s… Juushirou for you,” Toushirou shrugs, sighing. He muses about his fictional brother. Wonders if anyone thought he would turn out like _that._ “He always did like to defy expectations.”

He wonders if Vice-Captains Kuchiki and Abarai think that Hitsugaya Juushirou they met a year ago felt like the same Hitsugaya Juushirou that Momo has fabricated in present day. Back then, Toushirou was awkward and flustered and too embarrassed to admit the truth, deciding in the heat of the moment to go with their assumption.

He thinks about when Karin met Juushirou, and acknowledges that perhaps he hadn’t changed much, in that respect.

Still, he can’t help but wonder what Kuchiki and Abarai thought about the rumours that Momo created to make Juushirou into a believable person.

And then there’s the _other_ Kuchiki to consider, who _does_ knows what they think, but also knows the truth and doesn’t say a word. That Kuchiki must think them all lunatics for letting their assumptions escalate and grow to this point.

“I guess. But see, I thought he’d be kind of… uptight, and definitely always frowning at everyone. I’m glad he’s not though! Mind you, I bet you anything now that Juushirou would stay polite and goofy up until the second he was pushed too far, and has a hell of a temper,” Karin grins, fiendish and Toushirou rolls his eyes. “Rather like a certain someone I know.”

“Quiet,” Toushirou flushes, but there’s no bite in his voice. “I do _not_.”

“Oh, please,” Karin shoots him an unimpressed look. “You _so_ do.”

“Do not!”

“Do too!” Karin sticks her tongue out, and he doesn’t have the heart to argue once Karin does that, making a face instead. “Bottom line, Toushirou, is that Juushirou seems alright to me.”

“He’s annoying, you mean,” Toushirou mutters, desperately trying not to think about how Karin had described Juushirou as ‘alright’ before, and then admitted that she had a big fat crush on his brother a couple of days later.

Karin glances at him, her expression unfathomable, before shuttering into something sympathetic.

“He’s your big brother,” Karin says, a kind smile unfurling, “I think they’re supposed to be.”

“Probably,” Toushirou snorts. Whatever happens, at least he can say with total honesty that Juushirou has been nothing but a thorn to his side. Apropos of nothing, he says, “I want to meet Daiki.”

“Are… are you sure?” Karin asks, blinking at him, slightly thrown by how abruptly he changed subject.

“I’m sure,” Toushirou nods, and then arches one eyebrow at her. “Why? Don’t you _want_ me to meet him?”

“I didn’t say _that,_ ” Karin protests, and Toushirou smirks. “You just caught me off guard, that’s all. I’m curious, why now?”

“No reason in particular,” Toushirou shrugs, attempting to be casual. If he’s being honest, he’d rather talk about Karin’s boyfriend, who is completely real, rather than his brother, who is completely fictional. “You’ve been dating him for a while now, and I have yet to meet him. Is that a crime?”

“No,” Karin sighs, and blows a flyaway strand of hair from her face, to no avail. “It’s just. Well. You’ve never taken an interest in my boyfriend before.”

“You’ve never _had_ one before,” Toushirou points out.

“True,” Karin concedes, shrugging, and getting out her phone. “You want to meet him now?”

“Why not?” Toushirou agrees, certain that he’s made the right decision, certain that he’s damned himself for eternity.

 

 

Karin’s boyfriend Daiki is nothing like Hitsugaya Juushirou.

He’s nothing like Toushirou expected.

He’s got a quiet and wry sense of humour and looks at Karin with stars in his eyes, like she’s the most important person in the world. He’s polite and good-natured and grudgingly — _grudgingly_ — Toushirou _supposes_ that he likes Karin’s boyfriend.

For virtue of being nothing like Juushirou, at least.

“So how long have you two been dating?” Toushirou asks, determined to be civil. It’s a feat that’s remarkably easier than pretending to be his own exuberant and energetic big brother.

“About two weeks, nearly three,” Daiki says, with a soft smile. “Karin-chan is really great.”

“You think so?” Toushirou says, sardonic, mock confused, as if he has no idea what Daiki could mean. Karin kicks his shin, as a warning. Lightly, of course.

“Of course,” Daiki says with a dreamy sigh. “I’ve admired her for a long time.”

“Aw,” Karin grins, lacing his hand with hers. “You’re sweet.”

Despite the gesture, Toushirou can’t help but privately notice that Karin does not look _nearly_ as love-struck as Daiki does.

 

 

Toushirou decides that it’s none of his business.

Karin’s love life is not his concern — _unless_ it concerns Juushirou, that is.

 

 

“ _You_ _sly_ _dog!_ ” Hirako says to him, when Toushirou returns to Seireitei, clapping his shoulder. “So _that’s_ the way you’re going to play it, eh?”

“Excuse me?” Toushirou stares at him. Glowering at him is often an effective technique, Toushirou finds.

If anything, that makes Hirako even _more_ impressed.

“Playing it cool, huh? Nice. _Very_ _nice!_ ” Hirako whistles, making Toushirou feel even more confused than usual when talking to him. Hirako always seems to be both in a world of his own _and_ two steps ahead of everyone else that it always leaves Toushirou winded. “I’m still not going to help you, you know. Not _yet_ , anyway, not until you say the magic words.”

“Buzz off?”

“Tch, not even close,” Hirako shakes his head, disappointed in him, feigning hurt. “Not to worry, _Captain Hitsugaya,_ your secret is _still_ safe with me.”

“Wonderful,” Toushirou remarks dryly, watching Hirako mime zipping his mouth shut, and wishing that it was permanent.

“I was wrong, you know,” Hirako beams, revealing all his teeth and giving him the cheesiest wink that Toushirou has ever witnessed before Hirako saunters away. “This is going to be _far_ more fun that I thought it would be. Seems like there’s hope for you after all.”

What, Toushirou frowns, staring after him in contempt, is _that_ supposed to mean?

 

 

It hasn’t even been a _day_ since Karin told Matsumoto and Toushirou that Juushirou visited her.

 _How_ has then news spread so quickly?

Then it hits him —

Matsumoto is _President_ of the _Shinigami Women’s Association._

“Drat.”

 

 

Momo is mad at him.

 _Furious_ , in fact.

It’s evident in her pursed lips, her heightened shoulders, the glares she keeps sending in his direction — that is, when she’s not too busy ignoring him or making a point for him to notice that she is busy ignoring him.

“Momo,” Toushirou says, startling her when he announces himself behind her and she fails to stifle a yelp. He’d feel bad on any other occasion, but he’s had enough. This is the only way he’s be able to grab her attention. “I’m sorry, okay?”

“I’m sure you’re sorry about a lot of things,” Momo mutters, bitter, trying her damndest to look red faced and angry instead of red faced and embarrassed. She shoots him a glare to prove her point. “Like sneaking up on me! You know I _hate_ it when you do that!”

“I know,” Toushirou answers, absentmindedly. He’s not actually sorry about sneaking up on her because it always entertains him, but he does his best to look remorseful if it means that Momo will _talk_ to him. “I’m sorry about that too.”

“No, you’re not,” Momo shakes her head, unconvinced _._ “I know you better than that.”

“You’re right, I’m not,” Toushirou concedes bluntly, and then folds his arms over his chest. “But I _am_ sorry that things turned out this way.”

“ _Elaborate,_ ” Momo snaps, with a fierce expression.

“I should have told you right away that I went to Karin and visited her as Juushirou,” Toushirou confesses quickly, keeping his voice quiet and evenly toned. “I meant to. I _did_ , Momo. But you know what I’m like after my _bankai_ ends —”

“I do.”

“— and I know I should have told you _before_ I went to Karakura Town, but I was being impulsive and stupid! I see that now. I should have stopped myself before any of it happened, but all of a sudden, _there I was_ , visiting Karin as _Juushirou_ , like I couldn’t control myself!” Toushirou babbles, the words pouring out of him while Momo listens with a neutral expression. He takes a deep breath. “Afterwards, I was completely freaking out, so I took your advice, Momo: wait it out. Do nothing. I calmed down eventually, but by then, telling you had completely slipped my mind. I’m sorry, Momo.”

“I thought we were in this together, Shirou-chan,” Momo says, quietly but firmly. There’s still an icy tone in her voice, but there’s something akin to softening in her expression.

“We _are_ ,” Toushirou assures her, refusing to back down until Momo believes him, and does, nodding her head. He sighs, regretful. “I’m sorry you found out like this. Who told you?”

“Rangiku-san,” Momo answers, and he supposes it’s a blessing that she heard through Matsumoto rather than Hirako, with his flair for drama. “It was a bit of a shock.”

“Yeah, well,” Toushirou says, shrugging. “Now you know what it’s like to learn something about our brother second-hand.”

“Are you forgetting that I learnt about his very _existence_ through the grapevine _in the first place?_ ” Momo points out, lifting an eyebrow, and Toushirou quickly shuts up, chastened. “That’s what I thought.”

“Okay, but that was _before_ we agreed that we were in this together,” Toushirou amends, thinking back to those simpler days when nothing had spiralled out of control. Those fleeting minutes before it came crashing down. “ _I_ didn’t like learning about his personality days after you created it, and _you_ didn’t like learning that he decided to reappear in Karakura Town days after he did. I say we call it even.”

“Okay,” Momo agrees with a small smile and an amused glint in her eyes. “We’re even, and you’re forgiven.”

“Thank you.”

“ _But_ ,” Momo continues, and Toushirou’s mouth goes dry, knowing he’s not out of the woods just yet. The brunt of her anger may be gone, but Momo can hold onto her grudges _forever_. That’s the way her heart has always worked: she can forgive, but she will not forget.  “We definitely need to _talk about this._ So, we’ll meet up after our shift ends, and then you are going to give me the _full details_ , and we’ll work out what to do from there.”

Toushirou exhales.

“Alright.”

 

 

His shift can’t end soon enough. Even _Matsumoto_ notices, commenting that he seems unusually impatient to leave — and Toushirou deliberates for a moment before admitting that he’s meeting Momo, and Matsumoto’s expression flickers, her eyebrow quirks, and in a sly voice, she notes that he was finally able to get Momo to stop avoiding him, eh?

Toushirou, of course, doesn’t bother to answer, hurriedly seeking out Momo instead, and they make do with small talk until they reach Momo’s living quarters.

“I’m as ready as I’ll ever be, Shirou-chan,” Momo says, resigned but determined to hear him out. “You can begin anytime.”

When he’s finishes recounting his sad and sorry tale, Momo does not look happy. In fact, she’s looks the _opposite_ of happy.

“You promised to see her again,” Momo states flatly, her violet eyes boring into him with judgement. _“Shirou-chan.”_

“What was I _supposed_ to do?” Toushirou demands, defensive, his shoulders pinched. He’s never actually _acted_ _as_ Juushirou before, and he’s not entirely certain he _was_ able to act as Juushirou this time around either. No, Toushirou merely said the first things that came to mind that weren’t _too_ unbearable to say and regretted saying them instantly anyway.

“To _not_ promise it!” Momo retorts instantly, hollering. She takes a deep breath, and says, in a restrained voice. “If you’re worried about Karin-san being infatuated with Juushirou-kun, you _don’t_ go and visit her as Juushirou-kun _in the first place_ , and if you do that _anyway_ , then you _don’t_ make promises like ‘I’ll see you again’! Or do you _want_ your big brother to break that promise?”

“He _might!”_ Toushirou argues, partly obstinate, partly hoping that that it’s not too late to edit their brother’s personality slightly. Or maybe — maybe not even _that_ — he could _bend_ the situation and make his actions seem like a plausible character choice, based on what they’ve already said. “Juushirou’s flighty! Maybe he _forgets_ promises — promises that he might make all the time!”

If nothing else — personality isn’t set in stone.

People change.

Good or bad — it’s still character development, right?

“Do you really believe that he would?” Momo shrieks, hands on her hips, blatantly not liking where he was going. “You and I _both_ decided that he was flighty, but that doesn’t mean he _doesn’t_ have good intentions. He’s got a good heart, despite his fickleness.”

“I think so too,” Toushirou concedes with a reluctant sigh. Truth be told, he can’t see their imaginary big brother play out the scenario he wants so desperately to happen. His mind whirs, trying to stall for time and think of alternative solutions. “He’s not _that_ fickle. Alright. How about this: he _might_ forget that he made a promise in the heat of the moment, but he’d remember sooner or later. And when he does, he would do his best to honour it.”

“Yeah, that sounds good,” Momo agrees, breathing out a sigh of relief. A concession. “That makes him seem noble. Our dear brother is noble and well meaning, but unfortunately, forgetful.”

“How’d he turn out so different from us?” Toushirou quips, sardonic.

Momo laughs, relishing the chance to weave some more backstory for their convoluted white lie that they’ve continuously added to in order to suit their purpose.

“Baa-chan spoilt him long before we came along,” Momo says, relaxing, as she becomes a storyteller. “The thing about Juushirou-kun was that he always _knew_ that he was the favourite. And he _liked_ being loud and goofy. Most of the time, it made us laugh. Other times, it didn’t.”

“The point is, Juushirou didn’t know what he was doing. He didn’t know how anyone would react to his antics, stumbling on what worked and what didn’t. But that didn’t stop him from trying. Whatever the consequence, he would do it,” Toushirou contributes a small portion. It lacks the finesse that Momo has, but there’s an element of truth in his narrative. They say the best stories have a grain of truth to them. He looks at Momo, tentative. “How’s that?”

“It’s good,” Momo smiles, supportive. “I like it.”

“Thanks,” Toushirou says, and exhales, unsure why he hasn’t admitted the next part sooner. He should have, but somehow he can’t shake off guilty feelings. “I think if Karin had any suspicion that I was Juushirou, then she doesn’t anymore.”

“ _Did_ Karin-san even suspect in the first place?” Momo asks, giving him a strange look. “Most people who reveal they have an older sibling that they’ve never mentioned before aren’t hiding the fact that said older sibling doesn’t actually exist _or_ that they themselves _are_ the alleged sibling in secret, secret disguise. I don’t think _anyone_ has jumped to that conclusion when they learn about Juushirou-kun.”

“I wouldn’t say she did either,” Toushirou admits, despondent, disappointment flickering in the corner of his mind, wishing that Karin _had_ seen through him instead of being blinded by… abs, or something. “But, in case she _had_ , Momo, now Karin _definitely_ believes that we’re two very different people.”

“Alright,” Momo says, her mouth twisting like she _wants_ to say something but holds back. She studies him, concerned. “So. Karin-san.”

“Yes?”

“ _Is_ she infatuated with Juushirou-kun again?” Momo presses, curious with the outcome of his misadventures in espionage. “Since you… I can’t believe _you kissed her hand_ , Shirou-chan!”

“I thought it was the right thing to do!” Toushirou retorts, blustering, _still_ mortified that he actually _did that_.

“ _The right thing to do?”_ Momo repeats, growing incredulous, eyebrows lifting. “ _How_ _was_ _that the right thing to do?”_

“I don’t know!” Toushirou shouts, succumbing to the pressure and panicking. Through ragged breath, he tries to make an excuse. “It was a spur in the moment thing!”

“What were you _thinking?_ ”

“That I had to do something flirty! No, I mean —” Toushirou flails, desperately trying to think of _any_ word than _flirty._ “Swoon worthy! You said that everyone who met him fell in love with him and I… I had to do something, Momo! Kissing Karin’s hand was the _only_ thing I could come up with at the time!”

Momo stares at him, aghast.

“Shirou-chan,” Momo says, slowly. “It _is_ a swoon worthy gesture, but _still!_ That doesn’t mean you should have done it! _”_

“Well, it’s _done_ ,” Toushirou grumbles, vibrantly blushing. “Too late now.”

Before Momo says anything in response, Toushirou decides to focus on a more important prior question.

“I don’t know if Karin likes him like _that_ , again,” Toushirou admits, thinking about how Karin lit up when she talked about Juushirou, that she considered his big brother to be _fun_ and _ridiculous_ and _someone she could see herself getting along with very well_. “She definitely considers him attractive. And she says she _likes_ him, but she didn’t specify in what way.”

It could be platonic.

It could be reawakened crush feelings.

“Alright, let’s put that on hold for now,” Momo shrugs, deciding with a sigh that the information gleaned is inconclusive. “At least, we can state that she doesn’t _mind_ his personality.”

“Yeah,” Toushirou says, sourly. Karin _definitely_ _doesn’t_ _mind_ Juushirou. He pushes the thought away, and rakes his hand through his hair, looking at Momo. “Should I be worried?”

Momo doesn’t answer. Not right away.

Instead, she furrows her brow, contemplating. Her hand curled in front of her mouth. Eventually she meets his gaze.

“That depends on you, Shirou-chan.”

He blinks. “On me?”

“Yes,” Momo nods, and peers at him, searchingly. “What do you think is going to happen here? This… this, um, _friendship_ you have with Karin-san as Juushirou-kun?”

“I… don’t know,” Toushirou admits, quietly. Out of the four people that know the truth, Toushirou can confide in only Momo. “I haven’t thought that far ahead. I guess… nothing, really. The only thing that matters is that Karin never finds out that I am Juushirou.”

“I don’t like it, but okay,” Momo presses her mouth into a thin line, and closes her eyes. She breathes out through her nose. When she opens her eyes, Toushirou can see resolve. “Then the best advice I can give is that you _don’t_ be Juushirou-kun, Shirou-chan. Don’t visit Karin-san. It’s one thing if our big brother is nothing more than a collection of stories we’ve made up. It’s another thing completely if you… how to put this. If you make him _real_ to Karin-san when you know he’s anything but. You’ll be making things worse, not better.”

“I understand, _but_ ,” Toushirou hesitates, hastening to remind Momo. “Juushirou _did_ promise to see Karin one more time. And we _did_ just agree that Juushirou is someone who _keeps_ his promises.”

“Give me strength,” Momo mutters to herself, looking annoyed with herself. “Yes, _fine._ Go see Karin-san again as Juushirou-kun, but make sure it’s the last time.”

“But what if Juushirou takes an interest in Karin and wants to see her again?”

(What if Toushirou wants to be better at soccer when he’s Juushirou and impress Karin?)

“For goodness sake, Shirou-chan!” Momo snaps, staring at him with wide eyes, mouth falling open. “You can’t just _say_ something like that!”

“I was being hypothetical! I _know_ Juushirou is fictional _,_ ” Toushirou flusters, stressing, realizing too late how that sounded. He didn’t mean anything by it. But he can’t suppress his apprehension. “But Momo, last time, when I was pretending to be Juushirou, I would just _say_ things. I would say _anything_.”

He just doesn’t stop to _think_ when he’s being Juushirou. He would just open his mouth and words would fall out. Things he would never say.

Was it the rush in adrenaline? Was it being in _that_ _form?_

Toushirou doesn’t know.

“Shirou-chan,” Momo says, softly, looking at him with alarm. She says nothing for a moment, making Toushirou feel self-conscious, but if he’s being honest, it worries him too.

It feels like he’s balancing on the precipice of something dangerous, and he’s teetering at the edge, in a state of flux. Embarrassment holds him back, but if this escalates yet again, would he be able to prevent himself from being consumed by it?

“The longer this continues, the worse it’s going to get,” Momo tells him, eventually, discomforted by the thought. “How long is this going to last, Shirou-chan? A couple more days? Months? Years? How often are you going to visit Karin as Juushirou, and pretend to be someone you’re not?”

“ _Once_ ,” Toushirou insists, because any more is out of the question. “I promised Karin that Juushirou would play soccer with her one more time. That’s _it._ ”

“Okay,” Momo breathes out, and nods. She can’t hide the troubled expression on her face, but she believes him. “I’m sorry if I sound harsh, it’s just. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I won’t.”

“If something bad happens to you —”

“ _Nothing_ is going happen,” Toushirou interrupts, because Juushirou is going to visit Karin only once more. He knows why Momo is worried, but he won’t let history repeat itself. “Momo, I became Juushirou to protect you.”

“ _Before_ he was called Juushirou,” Momo remarks, quick to point out, and her hand gestures at the open air. “And he gained all this… _personality.”_

“Yeah,” Toushirou says, grinning suddenly, “but that was _your_ smart idea.”

“Hush!”

It dawns on him then how daft their predicament is. How far it’s spiralled from a simple misunderstanding that he didn’t have the heart to correct, to constructed personalities and elaborate backstories, to bad acting and a repeat performance and he can’t help but laugh incredulously, Momo joining him.

“How did we even _reach_ this point?” Toushirou asks, astounded, after the laughter fades.

“I don’t know but I still can’t believe that it’s ended up like this,” Momo admits, wiping her eyes and smiling at him.

It feels like the first time he can take a step back from this situation, and genuinely see with Momo how _ridiculous_ it really is.

“Oh my,” Momo says, before she dissolves into giggles again. “Shirou-chan, can you imagine what _Baa-chan_ would say if she knew?”

“She wouldn’t even _hesitate_ to join in,” Toushirou says, with droll fondness. “Baa-chan would say ‘I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about him sooner!’, and instantly be able to come up with plenty of stories of her own. Like she’s always been looking after you, me and Juushirou.”

“Baa-chan might even call Renji-kun and Rukia-san geniuses,” Momo hums, delighting in the possibility.

“This would have never happened if it wasn’t for them,” Toushirou says, and in one dizzying moment of clarity, he doesn’t know whether to be amused or annoyed by them, for creating this whole mess in the first place.

“And yet,” Momo says merrily.

“And yet,” Toushirou agrees.

Here they were.

 

 

“Baby brother,” Momo teases him later, during dinner, laughing as she tests the words out again and again and again. Now that her anger has gone, Momo much prefers to make fun of him. “ _Baby brother.”_

“ _Shut up_ ,” Toushirou hisses, flushing bright scarlet. “It was the first thing that came to mind!”

“Whatever you say, _baby brother_ ,” Momo says, unable to stop smiling at him. If anything, her smile _widens._

For the next couple of days, whenever they cross paths, Momo mouths the words at him, and Toushirou deeply regrets telling her anything at all.


	6. Aid Aquamarine

 

He needs a script, Toushirou realizes one morning, telling Momo his epiphany later that day. It made perfect sense.

"A script," Momo echoes, flatly, her expression unconvinced.

"Yes," Toushirou nods, undeterred by her lack of enthusiasm. He had expected that, having not explained his reasoning for it yet. Because Momo was  _right_  when she voiced her concerns, if Toushirou visits Karin unprepared, then for all his intent to make it one visit, he might just run his mouth and promise to see her again and prolong the impending disaster.

Better to cut things short before they get out of hand. Toushirou may not have adhered to that advice as much as he  _liked_ , but at the very least, it was up to him whether Juushirou made an appearance or not.

The potential for it to escalate even further than it already had made Toushirou extremely uncomfortable, but if he had a script, he might be able to stick to it.

Momo looks less than convinced when Toushirou tells her as much.

"We could practise the conversation a thousand times, a thousand ways, and when the time comes, it could still be nothing like the one Juushirou-kun will have with Karin-san."

"I know, but it's better to practice how it  _might_  go than not at all," Toushirou says, reasoning it out. He scuffs his feet on the ground, half-hearted. "If I stay just the way I am, it'll be a poor performance."

"It feels like you're putting in an awful lot of effort just to 'get in character', so to speak," Momo says, shifting uneasily. "It might be easier to simply tell Karin the truth."

"I can't do that," Toushirou dismisses the concept. He'd much rather prefer to improve his soccer skills in his adult form — and if he has to assume a different personality to maintain the façade then so be it. "Besides, if you help me become Juushirou — at least that way I'll feel confident that the next will be the last time."

"Alright," Momo relents, releasing a heavy sigh. She looks away, thinking. "I'm sure I can find some books for you to read that might help you get a feel for Juushirou-kun's character while I work on a sort of script."

"Thank you, Momo."

" _But_ ," Momo adds, quickly, "I'm not going to play soccer, okay?"

"You might like it," Toushirou says.

"Maybe," Momo concedes, "but I think I'm just going to keep an eye on you when you play just to be safe."

"Oh please," Toushirou rolls his eyes, not buying her excuse for a second. "You just want me make a fool of myself, don't you?"

"What kind of big sister would I be if I wasn't there to look out for you —"

 _Tripping over yourself_ , Toushirou mentally adds, frowning.

"—because after all, I mean, you  _are_  my baby brother, Shirou-chan," Momo says, playing innocent.

With a begrudging huff, Toushirou nods.  _Reluctantly_.

"Fine."

 

 

Juushirou visits Karin a fortnight later.

"Hey, Karin!"

" _Juushirou!_ " Karin greets him with a big grin, pleasantly surprised. "Back for your second lesson?"

"I hear practice makes perfect," Juushirou replies, flashing a smile at her, like he's hoping to impress.

" _Have_  you been practising?" Karin quips, sizing him up, and trying to be aloof but not quite succeeding. Her gaze lingers before she looks away, turning to face the trees for a moment.

"A little," Juushirou shrugs, depreciatingly. Memories of Momo snickering behind her hand while she watches him train flash in Toushirou's mind, and he ignores them, and their residual annoyance.

He's been practicing Juushirou's personality too, though it feels with significantly less progress, because the books Momo lent him for research tended to be full of purple prose and highly emotionally driven and the mere act of holding a person's hand was meant to be seen as a dramatic moment because the leads so rarely  _touched_. That, and the most flirtatious characters were the antagonists, which was kind of off-putting. Still, he tried, and Momo offered constructive criticism when he recited her script, and when they tried to improvise.

To practise a little was better than not at all.

"I could use a bit of help though," Juushirou adds sheepishly, "Heard you're the best there is."

"Did Toushirou tell you that?" Karin grins wolfishly, flattered — and Toushirou had forgotten that she'd boasted about her talents last time, completely changing the facts. He wonders if she's fishing for compliments, or if she's being her regular competitive self.

"Didn't need him to," Juushirou shakes his head, Toushirou smiling despite himself, amused enough to continue the lie. "I knew right away that it's true."

Karin doesn't say anything to that, her widening grin answer enough.

Her cheeks pinken.

"So, um," Karin clears her throat and blusters forth. "Ready for lesson two?"

"Bring it," Toushirou smirks.

 

 

Not to brag or anything, but Toushirou impresses even himself.

He has improved  _tremendously_  since last seeing Karin _._

"I don't get it," Karin says, staring at him in wonder and disbelief. Her hands rest on her hips, her head tilts to the side, and still Juushirou grins at her, waiting for her judgment. "How is it that you can be really  _good_  at scoring goals, but  _terrible_  at everything else?"

"I wouldn't say I'm  _terrible,_ " Juushirou sniffs, inordinately pleased at her praise. Toushirou worked  _hard_  to improve his reflexes, and it had paid off. It doesn't stop him from having mud grazed knees, but he still thinks of it as a victory, reclining on the grass as if it was his throne.

"Yeah, well, I wouldn't call you fantastic either," Karin says, dryly.

"Not  _yet_ ," Juushirou agrees, emphatic on the last part, and Karin grins at him, evidently delighted by his response.

Maybe Momo was right, the script was useless. But the various theoretical conversations they had had helped Toushirou gain a confidence he never had before. He no longer feels out of his depth being Juushirou, and is perfectly in control.

Juushirou continues, encouraged by Karin's reaction. "But soon."

Karin opens her mouth to reply —

And then her phone rings.

"One moment," Karin says, and he nods, placing one finger in front of his mouth, and his action makes Karin grin, before she twists away. "Hi, Daiki-kun. Mmhm. Mmhm. Okay. Um, well. I'm kind of in the middle of something but… no, it's  _fine_ , but — alright.  _Alright._  Talk to you later. Bye."

Juushirou is about to ask whether it's her boyfriend before Toushirou stops himself and wonders whether  _Juushirou_  would know that or if that prior knowledge of that fact would even matter, since it seemed sort of evident based on the context. Well, either boyfriend or close friend, Toushirou amends. Obviously, Toushirou knows that Daiki is Karin's boyfriend, but would Juushirou even care? Or would he enquire politely, in a light-hearted manner?

Toushirou is undecided.

Karin is oddly still, and Toushirou looks up, cautious, noticing the troubled expression on her face, the dark storm in her eyes, trapped between lashes and the sharp edge of her frown. Karin is silent as she carefully sits down beside him, and Toushirou's brain stutters and stalls, wishing that he could shift into himself and  _ask_ , but he  _can't_.

Instead, he's frozen on the spot, anxiously waiting for something he doesn't even know.

He tries to think. What would Juushirou say? What would Juushirou do?

"Hey, Juushirou," Karin says, softer than usual, a slight tremor that would be imperceptible if Toushirou didn't know her well. "Can I… get your advice on something?"

"Sure," Juushirou replies, nonchalant, Toushirou secretly relieved that Karin talked first. "Ask me anything you like."

"Alright," Karin nods, and inhales, mustering her courage, but unable to hide her uncertain expression. Perhaps, nervousness is a better description, for all Karin tries to downplay it. "You've… uh, you've dated before, right?"

Juushirou looks at her with a cocky smirk. Toushirou looks at her,  _stumped_.

Not once had he considered that Karin would be asking for  _dating advice._

And just like that, he's out of his comfort zone, and feeling self-conscious all over again, trying to suppress the inevitable dread.

"'Course you have. Stupid question," Karin laughs, awkwardly, self-depreciatingly, not bothering to wait for him to answer. She looks away for a moment, cheeks glowing pink as she grows embarrassed, and Toushirou decides that it's probably in his best interests not to correct the assumption she's made and just… go with it… again. He hates himself for it, but what else can he do? "Um. So. That means you've broken up with people before, right?"

"Of… of course!  _Yes!_ " Toushirou nods, a tad forcefully, flustering a little because that's what  _Juushirou_ , first class flirt extraordinaire and irresistible to all women (and men), would say  _with total conviction_  and not at all  _with a note of panic_. He tries again. More casual. Aloof. "Pshaw.  _Plenty_  of times."

He regrets it instantly.

_What the hell is he doing?_

"Then… do you have any good break up advice?" Karin asks, leaning towards him eagerly for his opinion. "I've never done it before, so… I'm not sure how I should go about it."

"I see," Toushirou says, blankly. Okay. Break up advice. That sounds… easy enough, right?

He might not have the experience of actually breaking up with someone, but he's  _read about them!_  He's read the novels Momo gave him, and sometimes there are break ups, and sometimes Toushirou  _wishes_  that the couple had broken up.

If he applies a certain logic and rationality to the situation, and repeated what he's said to Momo when they engage in particular debates, then surely it would count as advice, surely? Momo may not have liked his answers, but then  _he's_  not the romantic sibling, is he?

"I won't lie, Karin, breaking up with someone  _can_  be difficult. Other times it's the easiest thing in the world," Toushirou says, truthfully, at least according to the books he's read. Sometimes they were needlessly dramatic, often they included tears, and occasionally both parties agreed it was for the best. "But the best way to go about it, in my opinion, is to be quick, to the point, and talk to them in person to prevent any misunderstandings."

Juushirou would probably ditch his date in a second, Toushirou thinks, dwelling on the hypothetical situation for his hypothetical brother for a moment. He'd say the magic 'I think we should break up' words or just 'it's been fun, but see ya!', and then disappear leaving a cloud of dust in his wake. Which is, technically, quick, to the point, talking to them in person… and then immediately scarpering.

Somehow, Toushirou doesn't think that Karin would appreciate the last part.

"Honesty is the best policy," Juushirou says magnanimously, and Toushirou knows he should leave at that, his advice short and simple. However, some part of him, the part that adrenaline fuelled, and mostly under his control, is  _curious_ , and wants to dig deeper. And Toushirou  _cannot_  resist that impulse, that spike of curiosity that wants to know  _more._  "But, Karin, why do you want to break up with him?"

It might help her, Toushirou reasons, retroactively covering his tracks. If Karin tells Juushirou first, then perhaps it'll be easier for her when the time comes for her to say them to her boyfriend officially.

"Because I'm bored by him," Karin admits, upfront. "I mean, it was nice, dating him at first. It still  _is_  nice, really. I don't mind going out for a movie, or having lunch together, or holding hands and doing boyfriend and girlfriend things. But… I guess I'd rather be doing something like studying, or playing soccer than dating Daiki-kun. There are better things to do than hang out with him, you know?"

Karin doesn't even  _like_  studying. She's notoriously bad at it, and much prefers leaving it until the last minute,  _or_  Yuzu pestering her into working together. For Karin to  _admit_  that she'd rather  _study_  than date 'Daiki-kun', honestly feels far more shocking than asking Toushirou for break up advice.

Even if it is one hell of a lie.

"You should tell him that," Toushirou says, not unkindly, but somewhat hesitantly. Despite his shock, it still  _is_  a valid reason to break up with someone. "That you want to focus more on your… studies, and balancing that with soccer, rather than dating him."

"Even if it might not be true?" Karin says, flushing and Toushirou can't help the flutter of fondness he feels, as well as smug satisfaction at what she says next. "The… wanting to study part?"

He nearly smiles at her because:  _typical Kurosaki Karin._

He had a feeling that Karin might have been laying it on thick, just trying to impress  _Juushirou._

"He's not going to know unless you tell him, is he?" Juushirou points out, mulling over Karin's response, amused. "But then again, you  _don't_  have to mention studying as a reason to break up with him either."

"True."

"Do you regret dating him?" Toushirou asks, curious. The words are out before he can stop them.

"Not really, no," Karin says, blunt. She looks up to the sky, and smiles, wistful. "Like I said, dating Daiki-kun was nice.  _Is_  nice. I like being with him, but… maybe just as friends. As for Daiki-kun… it seem like he's getting attached, whereas I'm… losing interest. I might not be a great student, hell, I'm nowhere close to being a perfect student, but. Romance can wait, honestly, and I'd rather have good grades than having a boyfriend."

Ever practical, every grounded.

How very Kurosaki Karin of her.

"Looks like your mind is made up," Toushirou comments, studying the determination in her expression, the resignation and sadness in her gaze, and she looks older, somehow. In a way he's never noticed before.

"Yeah, it is," Karin says, nodding with resolve. "Thank you, Juushirou."

"Anytime," Juushirou flashes his famous brighter-than-the-sun- _ow_ -his-cheeks- _really_ -hurt smile at her, rewarded by Karin own brighter-than-the-sun grin that has always dazzled him. "Anything else I can do for you?"

" _Well_ …" Karin drawls out, and then stops.

"Yes?" Juushirou gazes at her, curious to know what  _else_  she would ask from him. How much can Toushirou put up with? Just because he was able to help her with her impending breakup, doesn't mean he can do everything.

"There is  _one_  thing," Karin says, floundering in silence before grinning sheepishly at him, cheeks sizzling into a crimson colour. "How about a selfie?"

It takes him aback.

He blinks; mulling over his response.

Toushirou knows he  _should_  say no.

No, because it's embarrassing. No, because every time he'll look at the picture, he'll resent himself a little bit more. No, because there's future repercussions to consider that Toushirou  _can't even think about._  Something dreadful will happen, he knows it, and Toushirou  _doesn't_  want to think about them for more than a second because if he does —

If he does, then he'll worry and overthink and panic. The worst thing is that he  _can't_  do any of those things which make him  _Toushirou_ , and stop him from being  _Juushirou_.

It's  _hard_  staying in character to someone who is impulsive and devil-may-care and lives in the moment of someone important and their precious smile, and if he  _breaks character_ —

Everything will go to hell. He doesn't know  _how_  bad it will be, but he's pretty sure the outcome won't be good. There's a sense of wrongness seeping his brain and muddying his thoughts, the longer he tries to be Juushirou, but at least he can say this is the last time he will be Juushirou.

Since this  _is_ the last time, Toushirou can't help but wonder, what  _could_  the harm be if nothing more becomes of it, and Karin gets to have a keepsake to remember him by?

Juushirou wouldn't care about any of this.

Juushirou, known for being narcissistic and flighty and thriving on attention, how could  _he_ possibly resist?

If it makes Karin grin and cheer up and forget her troubles for a little while, then it's a win-win situation, right?

So he smirks at her, and Juushirou's response comes to him easily.

"I thought you'd never ask."

Karin's beam is a rewarding sight that makes Toushirou's heart warm.

So maybe he does feel a little silly, exaggerating his poses and making funny faces and grinning like a berk, but it makes Karin laugh, and that was the point, after all.

Whatever the downsides are going to be, it'll be worth it.

He  _definitely_  made the right decision.

 

 

"Are you going to kiss my hand again?" Karin asks, archly, when he thinks that he should leave.

"I  _might_ ," Toushirou teases, smirking a little just to see her flush. He knows, somewhere in the back of his mind, that he should feel guilty about the way Karin looks at him, adoringly. But in the heat of the moment, he's a little bit addicted to it, wants to see more. He leans in a bit, as if tempted by her request. "If that's what you desire?"

"I didn't say  _that,"_  Karin flusters, instantly taking a step back, and huffs as he chuckles. He can't help it, there's something so endearing cute about her in this state. Karin with pink cheeks, soft and sweet. Combined with her tough girl attitude, she becomes even  _cuter._  Karin clears her throat and clarifies, not meeting Juushirou's eyes, her gaze slightly to the side. "I was just wondering if it's something I need to get used to when talking to you."

He pauses, absentmindedly wondering if he should up the ante and kiss her on the cheek, instead. There's something to be said about taking someone off guard, and he wonders what expression she might make then.

He wonders if that might make him cruel.

"Well, Karin-chan," Juushirou drawls out, and takes her hand, and gazes at her knuckles. Considering. "I happen to be in the habit of kissing the hands of only the loveliest of ladies."

And then he lowers his head to kiss her hand, trying to ignore the way her breath catches, that his heart spasms oddly and all of a sudden, he is  _too_  bright,  _too_  cheerful,  _too_ alluring, so instead, he says, with flair —

"Best of luck with the breakup."

— before he disappears before her eyes.

 

 

What is he  _doing?_

It's a question that Toushirou asks himself frequently as of late, perhaps even  _daily_ , especially when he returns to his regular —  _normal_  — size and feels… normal once more. Well. Normal- _ish_.

He is small and short and  _angry_  again — angry that he let  _himself_  get caught up in… whatever this thing  _is_  that he's doing.

Pretending that he's his own brother who only a select few know doesn't exist.

 _That_.

At least it's over now, and no one caught him, but still — Toushirou is treading on thin ice.

He groans as the familiar ache sets in, the wave of tiredness that he knows awaits him every time it happens, and he feels wearier each time it happens, as if it's becoming bone deep.

He should talk to Momo, Toushirou knows. And he will.

Just… in a few minutes or so, when he's regained some energy.

 

 

" _Break up advice?"_  Momo echoes, interrupting his tragic tale, surprise written all over her face. "She asked you for — but  _you've never dated anyone_ , Shirou-chan!"

"I know," Toushirou mumbles, cheeks going bright red under her scrutiny. "That hardly matters, Momo. I only pointed out the obvious. I have a fairly good grasp on common sense, after all."

The fact that he's never dated anyone is neither here nor there.

"Well, okay. That happens to be true for most part," Momo concedes with a surmising sigh, and then looks at him, contemplating. "Do you think Karin-san will take your advice?"

"I don't see why not. It was good advice," Toushirou shrugs. "The real question is, what will Karin do next?"

Karin obviously still had a crush on him — that is, to say, on  _Juushirou._  Now that he's been made aware of it, he can't  _not_  see it in every interaction they have. He was trying to help Karin get over her crush, but now it feels like he's did the opposite.

"You really think  _Karin-san_  would drop her current boyfriend for our big brother?" Momo asks, unconvinced.

"I didn't say that," Toushirou says, shaking his head, quite certain that wasn't the case. "No. I know Karin. She wouldn't. She won't."

Karin wasn't like that. Even though Karin being romantically interested in people was a new development, that didn't mean that Karin  _had_  a new personality. Because she didn't. In all honestly, Karin hasn't behaved  _that_ different after she'd started dating, and he doubts that she'll act that different after the breakup either.

"Karin had her own reasons for wanting to end things with Daiki," Toushirou explains simply, stating with an edge to his voice. "That had  _nothing_  to do with Juushirou."

Maybe Juushirou  _was_  a part of Karin's decision to break up with Daiki, but the important thing was that he wasn't the  _main_  reason.

"I see," Momo says, knitting her brow together. "Well, that's something, Shirou-chan. Who knows? Maybe after Karin-san becomes single, she won't do anything about Juushirou-kun. Maybe her crush will go away, and she'll find someone else again and this… this thing that you and Karin-san and Juushirou-kun have will… be forgotten."

"And what if it isn't?" Toushirou sighs, despondent, unable to hide the bitterness from his voice. He wishes he could share her optimism. "I don't intend to see her as Juushirou ever again, but what if she doesn't move on?"

"Well," Momo says, after a pause. "In that case, if Karin-san always retains affection for him, that doesn't mean she  _has_  to act on her feelings the first chance she gets. Or at any point, in fact."

He makes a non-committal sound.

"Listen to me, Shirou-chan," Momo says, gently, touching his arm. "Karin-chan is young, and that makes it all the more easier for her to grow up, and get infatuated and fall in love with someone else. The difference between her and us is that she's  _human_ , and that can make her seem far more fickle than us  _shinigami._ "

Karin is human. Toushirou is not.

It hardly seemed to matter, unless it concerned the heart.

How quickly he forgets.

"Okay," Toushirou says, and looks at Momo grateful for her perspective, grateful that she's the level-headed one in this situation. He needed to hear that. "Thank you for everything, Momo. I couldn't have done this without you."

"You're welcome," Momo says, glowing at the compliment. "Big sisters are better than big brothers."

"I could have told you that," Toushirou grumbles, rolling his eyes. "Still —"

"It's over now. That's the important part," Momo says, as if she senses his doubts. But somehow, she knows exactly what to say. "I know you're worried, Shirou-chan, but trust me, and don't do anything. Just be patient. Karin-san's heart will go on."

"I know."

"Remember," Momo says, "if you won't tell Karin-san the truth, the least you can do is never let her see Juushirou-kun again."

It's only fair, he supposes.

 

 

It is sound advice that Toushirou should put Juushirou behind him and move on.

 _Except_.

There's something that's been bugging him whenever he thinks about their third and final encounter — how he was behaving. Acting. When he tries to pinpoint the reason why, he can only surmise that it felt as if he was crossing a line that hadn't done so previously.

He tries to recall that element of wrongness that pricked at the back of his neck, that sensation that made him feel slightly  _off_  when he was talking to Karin as Juushirou —

Like he was forgetting himself.

Toushirou doesn't talk to Momo about it. He doesn't think to mention it, because he's not entirely certain that it  _needs_  to be discussed. Why would it, when Juushirou isn't going make another appearance? Maybe he's merely misremembering things, or second-doubting himself, or overthinking it. It's been known to happen, and he has to put it behind him now.

Move on.

It occurs to him a couple of hours later, when he thinks again about the way he wanted to kiss Karin's cheek instead of her hand, the way she flushes like the pinkest rose captured in the damask of dawn _,_  the way Momo carefully asks him if he's jealous, and while Toushirou maintains that he  _isn't_ , he realizes —

It  _would_  have been  _cruel_  to have kissed Karin on the cheek, he realizes with a jolt, a sick and sharp feeling, relieved that he fought the temptation.

He came  _dangerously_  close to flirting with his best friend using a persona.

And that horrifies him, because he never once thought that  _he_  was someone who was capable of doing something like that.

 

 

Karin appears in his office two days later — during lunch time — Toushirou is distantly aware, remembering those strange school days in Karakura Town so very long ago, before he takes notice of her solemn expression.

"Karin," Toushirou greets her, nonchalant. "What can I do for you?"

"I just," Karin shrugs, and stops. Opens her mouth and then closes it. She inhales, and stands proud. "Haven't seen you in a while."

"What are you talking about it? Didn't we see each other last…" Toushirou trails off, and thinks back. Both times he'd last seen Karin was as  _Juushirou_ , not Toushirou. Crap. "Oh. Huh. You're right, it  _has_  been a while."

He frowns, discomforted by the thought. He's not usually that careless.

"So, you're here to catch up?" Toushirou asks, with a smile, sitting up, then he notices her in school uniform. "I think I've got five minutes to spare."

"Mm, sort of," Karin says, vaguely. She inclines her head, reluctantly to say whatever troubles her mind.

_Oh._

Toushirou has a good idea of what it might be.

"Spit it out," Toushirou bluntly states, figuring that's the best way to motivate her. He sighs, feigning impatience. "Something's bothering you, but I can't help if you don't tell me what it is."

"Okay, fine, jeez," Karin scowls, but there's no bite in her voice. She scuffs the ground with her shoe, looking down before meeting his gaze. "I want your company after I break up with Daiki-kun."

"Oh," Toushirou says, softly. Somehow, he's still surprised, even though he expected it.

"Think I'll need a friend, afterwards," Karin says, monotone, as she folds her arms across her chest. Chin raised defiantly as if to confront the vulnerability she feels.

What about Yuzu? Her soccer gang? Other school friends?

"When?" Toushirou asks quietly, instead.

"Today, after school," Karin admits, with a sigh. She looks at him, timid all of a sudden. "Is that… okay?"

"Of course it is," Toushirou says instantly, wanting to reassure her. He understands the gravity of the situation. How important this is for Karin. He's her friend, and despite everything that's happened with Juushirou, Toushirou wants to offer the support she needs. "I'll be there."

"Great, thanks," Karin says, falsely brightly, baring her tough girl grin that reveals all her teeth. Then she glances at her watch. "Oh,  _shit_. Gotta go!"

"Bye," Toushirou calls after her, as she hurries out.

"Aw, Captain, you're so sweet!" Matsumoto coos, and Toushirou does  _not_  flinch at the sudden sound of her voice.

Instead, his face goes bright red and he hisses at his lazy Vice-Captain — " _Where have you been?"_

Matsumoto's response is a trill of merry laughter.

 

 

Afterwards, Toushirou takes Karin to a café.

He doesn't ask how it went, he doesn't know what she said, just lets her be alone on their table for a moment while he orders their drinks. He might not have spent time with her recently, but he still knows her favourite drink.

"How do you feel?" Toushirou asks, placing her drink in front of her while Karin sits with her head in her hands, and stares out the window.

He follows her gaze, before watching her, wishing he knew what to say to her.

"Awful," Karin admits eventually, glum, looking at the cat that sits outside. "But relieved too."

"Yeah?" Toushirou asks, gentle. It seems that regardless of how the conversation went, it's evident that it was for the best in the long run. If she's relieved that it's over, then that's a good sign.

"Yeah. It wasn't working out and I think Daiki-kun knew that too," Karin exhales, and buries her head in her hands. "I still feel like I'm a bad person though."

"You're the best person," Toushirou says, instinctively, with complete honestly. Even if Karin doesn't believe it,  _he_  does. He makes his voice calm, comforting, like Momo often does when she lends a patient ear, a supportive shoulder. He pats her shoulder, reassuring her. "You know it was the right thing to do."

"Do I?" Karin says, slightly aghast, staring at him, full of doubt. "Toushirou, I feel like  _shit!_ "

"Because breaking up with a person  _is_  designed to make a person  _feel_  like shit," Toushirou says, simply. Maybe with a little bit of exasperation too. "For Daiki  _and_  you. It's an ending, and it's difficult and it's messy, but… you'll be okay, Karin. You are going get through this. You've already taken the first step by officially breaking up with him."

"Wise words," Karin says, managing a smile, despite looking troubled, despite still being sad.

"Common sense," Toushirou corrects, trying to downplay the rush of heat that spreads through his face. It's just something he's picked up through reading Momo's novels. Awkwardly, he adds. "By the way, if you want to cry…"

"What?"

"I'm just saying!" Toushirou hastily adds, distinctly feeling far more uncomfortable than he's ever been as Juushirou, but forces the words out anyway. " _Sometimes_  a person feels the need to cry after breakups — and if you need to, then that's… fine."

"Oh."

"I'm here for you," Toushirou perseveres,  _masterfully_. "So, it's okay… for you… to cry."

"Oh, wow," Karin says, staring at him. as Toushirou blanches and his ears begin to burn. "Wow, Toushirou. Just. Wow."

That's a shit eating grin spreading from ear to ear.

" _What?"_

"You're really bad at this," Karin announces, snorting, and then a second later, bursts into laughter.

"How  _dare_  you," Toushirou gasps, affronted. "I am doing my  _best_."

"Your best  _sucks_ ," Karin quips, beaming.

" _Lots_  of people cry after break ups!" Toushirou objects, folding his arms, and informs her primly. "It's an understandable reaction."

"You sound like a text book," Karin snarks, amused, much to his bewilderment. There's something relaxed in her stance, like her shoulders don't seem so pointed, and a soft smile graces her face as she considers his words, sobering. "I'm sure they do, Toushirou. But I guess I'm not one of them because I don't feel like crying."

Karin has never been someone that cries easily at things anyway. As long as he's known her, she's been the type to bottle things up.

The number of times Toushirou has seen Karin be teary eyed since he's known her, he could count on one hand.

"Figures, tough girl," Toushirou says, careful. "I should have known that it takes a lot more than that to make you cry."

"Seems like we both learned something today," Karin says, baring her teeth at him, and then, after a pause, adds, "I could use a hug, though."

" _That_  I can do," Toushirou says, getting up to embrace her, holding her close. He mumbles in her ear. "Sorry I haven't been there for you for a while."

"It's okay," Karin says, voice muffled, and then pulls away. Grins at him. "You're there when it counts, and that's what matters. You're the best friend a girl could ask for."

Guilt flares within him, crashing over him in waves. If he really is her best friend — if he even  _deserves_  to still be called that —

He shuts down that thought quick, defiantly leaving the thought unfinished, and distracts himself by sitting back down, the chair screeching against the floor.

Toushirou's face reveals nothing but a small smile, desperate to not look like her words have made him feel awful. Now is not the time to feel guilt or tell her the truth, when Karin has already been through enough for today.

"Still, I have to wonder," Karin muses, taking a sip of her drink, and gazes at him with a curious gleam in her eyes. "What  _would_  you have done if I started crying?"

"My best," Toushirou says, straight faced, and it's worth it, just to see Karin burst into laughter once more, genuinely delighted by his response.


	7. Celadon Clarity

 

“You look happy,” Matsumoto comments the next day, with a sly expression. “I take it things went well with Karin, yesterday?”

“As well as they can be,” Toushirou shrugs, and then stops in his tracks to look disapprovingly at his Vice-Captain, annoyed with her choice of words. “I wouldn’t say that I’m _happy_ about it.”

The breakup left Karin contrite, and though Toushirou did his best to cheer her up, and assure her that she did the right thing, it wasn’t enough.

When they parted ways, Toushirou could see the pain she tried to hide, and though his heart hurt at the sight, he let it be, knowing that the rest was up to Karin. She had to come to terms with it on her own.

“Smug, then,” Matsumoto cheerfully compromises, which makes Toushirou feel _worse_. He clamps down on the spike of guilt that pierces him and leaves his throat thick. He scowls at her, hating that Matsumoto has painted him in an even worse light than before. “Admit it, Captain, you were rooting for her relationship to fail.”

“Absolutely not!”

“But you knew it wouldn’t _last_ ,” Matsumoto shoots back, instantly, without missing a beat.

 _That_ gives him pause. He opens his mouth and… can’t think of a suitable response.

“Aha!” Matsumoto snaps her fingers and points at him. “I _knew_ it!”

“Fine,” Toushirou concedes, rolling his eyes and giving in. Maybe he _is_ a little smug. A little smirky, though he knows he shouldn’t be. He _does_ feel bad for Karin, but that doesn’t negate the triumph he feels at being _right_. “I could have told you at the start that it wouldn’t work out.”

He’s not crowing over it, merely stating a fact.

“Yeah, but you didn’t, Captain,” Matsumoto wrinkles her nose, sceptical. “You were just really surly whenever a certain someone wanted to talk about Daiki.”

“I was not,” Toushirou protests, irritated that she’d described him as such. He’d never stoop _that_ low. Just because he had misgivings about the relationship didn’t mean he was obvious about it. He had been _impartial_. “What would I be surly about?”

“Oh, I don’t know, Captain,” Matsumoto says loftily, letting her answer air out. “Your brother perhaps?”

“What?” Toushirou says, flatly. Bristling. “What _about_ my brother?”

Just because he didn’t like Karin’s relationship with Daiki _did not mean_ that he’d have preferred Karin to _date_ Juushirou.

“Karin-chan didn’t tell you?” Matsumoto looks innocently at him before her devilish smile makes itself known, and Toushirou represses the urge to roll his eyes at her theatrics, milking the information for all it’s worth. He tamps down on his frustration. “It seems your _very_ handsome brother has decided to pay a few more visits to Karakura Town to spend some _quality_ time getting to know Karin-chan.”

“I see.”

He exhales all the air from his lungs, an obvious gesture of annoyance.

“Of course he did,” Toushirou mutters, more to himself to Matsumoto, like any younger brother would do, when reacting to an older sibling’s misdeeds. Of course _Momo_ would name his future self _Juushirou_. Of course _Juushirou_ would catch _Karin’s_ eye.

It’s not nearly as difficult disliking a fictional older brother as one might think.

In fact, Toushirou could even _picture_ it. Juushirou, turned curious by the praise Toushirou had whenever he talked about Karin, wanted to meet her. And even though Toushirou had voiced his disapproval, it only spurred Juushirou’s curiosity. How could Juushirou resist? And so, friendship between Juushirou and Karin was born.

_Crap._

It’s alarming, to say the least, for Toushirou to realize how committed he’s become. He didn’t even _need_ to construct the backstory, but he went ahead and did it without thinking. It’s almost effortless now how he can genuinely pretend that he has a real, living, breathing brother that he’s never mentioned before until a few months ago.

“— listening to me, Captain?”

“What?” Toushirou blinks, and pulls himself out of his reverie. “Matsumoto, what did you say?”

“I said that it’s thanks to Karin-chan that I can finally agree that _nobody_ was overhyping those abs of his,” Matsumoto reports cheerfully, grinning at him. Her grin widens as the seconds pass, and he’s certain that she’s thinking something lewd and desperately does not want to know. “You really _could_ fry an egg on them.”

“ _What_ ,” Toushirou says, flatly. Uncomprehending. Why would anyone _want_ to fry eggs on abs? How is it even _possible?_

“He’s _so_ hot I’m surprised that the ice isn’t melting off _him,”_ Matsumoto says, winking, and Toushirou desperately wishes he could unhear that and then —

All of a sudden, there are photos. There are _numerous_ photos spread over on his table featuring Hitsugaya Juushirou.

“Karin-chan _finally_ took photos!” Matsumoto gleefully proclaims, overjoyed. “Look at him! He’s not even _here_ and I feel like I’m getting a tan!”

He should have known.

He should have fucking _known this would happen._

At the very least, he should have suspected, but _no._

No, he couldn’t even do _that._

He had a split second to make his decision, weighing the pros and cons of what Juushirou would do with what Toushirou would do in that scenario, and he made the wrong decision in the heat of the moment _again._ He was too distracted by wanting to bring back Karin’s smile—unable to spare himself a thought about the repercussions because he feared that would break character. Who is he kidding — he _would_ have. Once he started thinking about what the downsides of agreeing to take a selfie with Karin, he would have never have been able to regain Juushirou’s whimsical disposition.

Nevertheless, he feels like a fool for not even _expecting_ that Matsumoto, once _again_ , would take advantage of the situation. He _knew_ that Karin and Matsumoto were close, but not once did he suspect _this._

In retrospect, it was so very, very obvious.

“If you asking me to destroy them, I’m more than happy to oblige,” Toushirou says, witheringly, after a pause. He stares at the photos, then at Matsumoto, and then returns to stars at the photos, feeling aghast but reluctant to show it lest he gives himself away.

“Of course not!” Matsumoto laughs, finding his response absurd. “Captain, what are you saying?”

“Why else are you showing me these?” Toushirou asks archly, more bored than flustered, after he realize what role he’s supposed to play and proceeds to be exactly that. The little brother, endlessly frustrated by the ridiculousness of his older brother, who once again, takes the time to go out of his way and embarrass him.

Toushirou is fine in this situation — he’s used to the spotlight being on his brother once again, he’s used to Matsumoto getting excited, and riling him up just to see how he’ll snap.

Well, he won’t give her the satisfaction. He’s tired of Juushirou, and it’s over now anyway.

“It’s my brother’s business if he wants to spend some time with Karin and pose for a camera, not mine,” Toushirou states plainly, dismissing the photos and deciding not to look at them again, directing all his unimpressed attention on Matsumoto. “He can do what he wants, Matsumoto.”

“True,” Matsumoto nods, musing. She rests her legs on the sofa, contemplating, before an idea strikes, and Toushirou can see the cogs turn in her mind giddily. “If he’s willing to pose for _Karin-chan_ , maybe he’ll be willing to pose for the Women Shinigami’s Association. You know, for his fan club!”

“No,” Toushirou refuses to even _imagine_ the possibility. “I am _not_ going to suffer a month long headache because of my brother’s insane popularity _yet again_.”

In the event that Matsumoto somehow profited from Karin’s photos, he’s hoping that people won’t crowd him and ask him for his brother’s autographs, knowing how tetchy he was when it came to his big brother.

Juushirou would _thrive_ on the attention, and that makes Toushirou’s head hurt.

“A week at best,” Matsumoto insists, rolling her eyes. “You’re always so dramatic, Captain! Come on, invite him over, it’ll be fun!”

“Still no.”

 

 

“Captain Hitsugaya,” Kuchiki Byakuya says, a strange glint in his eyes, as they meet in a corridor. As always, the corridors seem to be strangely empty whenever they have their ‘talks’.

“Captain Kuchiki,” Toushirou replies, hairs prickling at the back of his neck.

It’s not like him to be apprehensive around the stoic Captain, especially in lieu of their silent agreement of never acknowledging that they both are part of the Hitsugaya Juushirou Is An Actual Conspiracy Club.

However, with the recent photos of Juushirou being released by Shinigami Women’s Association a few days ago — thanks to Matsumoto’s _quick_ thinking — Toushirou has no idea what Kuchiki will make of his current predicament.

Perhaps he won’t say anything. Toushirou can feel the judgement emanating from him regardless.

“I see your brother has been very active recently,” Kuchiki blithely remarks.

… or perhaps he _will._

“Yes, it’s been most… unfortunate,” Toushirou says, awkwardly, and somehow, the judging intensifies. He’d been hoping the avoid it. “Though I doubt that he’ll be around much longer.”

“Is that so?” Kuchiki says, glancing at him, considering. He seems oddly… disappointed? Troubled? Constipated? It’s hard to tell what his expression is trying to convey.

“He feels like it’s time to move on, and disappear for a while,” Toushirou explains as bluntly, as close to the truth as possible. “There’s no need to worry.”

“Then there’s no chance of him… reappearing?”

“There shouldn’t be,” Toushirou frowns, looking at Kuchiki warily. Why would he ask something like that? “I imagine he won’t be back for a very long time. Not unless it was of utmost importance.”

Juushirou had served his purpose. Though Toushirou was, _again_ , left to deal with the aftermath, he had dealt with it before, and could deal with it again.

Truthfully, he hadn’t been pestered nearly as much as the first time, when Abarai revealed to everyone that he had a brother. Less people have approached him… but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t few mornings where he comes to his desk, and sees a stack of photos, asking for Juushirou to sign them.

It takes a lot of willpower — or perhaps Matsumoto’s mysterious timing to snatch them away — to not just dump them in the bin.

What bothers him more is that now he’s being compared to a photo of his brother whenever he walks through the corridors. Most people are discreet. Hirako is not.

Still, whenever someone directly approaches him, no matter how inconvenienced he feels, he doesn’t like seeing their eager expression turn to disappointment, so instead of coldly brushing them off, he mutters that he can make no promises, and see what he can do.

“I see,” Kuchiki says, furrowing his brow. He pauses only for a moment. “Tell me, Captain Hitsugaya, does your brother have a penchant for poetry?”

“Poetry?” Toushirou echoes, in disbelief.

“Haiku, to be precise,” Kuchiki elaborates, if only barely, looking intently at Toushirou while awaiting his response.

“I… I wouldn’t know,” Toushirou stumbles pitifully, trying to continue the conversation, taken off guard by the nature of the question. How out of the blue it is. His mind stops, stutters, comes screeching to a halt, and so Toushirou asks himself: _would_ Juushirou like poetry? “No. On second thought, I don’t think he does.”

Kuchiki’s gaze intensifies.

“Oh,” Kuchiki says, silkily, and there’s something _ominous_ in the way he says _that_. “Pity.”

Toushirou’s eyes narrow at his tone.

“Kuchiki,” Toushirou says, choosing his words with care. “Is there a reason _why_ Juushirou should like poetry?”

It’s not that Toushirou has anything against poetry, it’s just… well. Kuchiki had asked a very specific question, seemingly arbitrarily, which Toushirou finds to be deeply suspicious because Kuchiki _rarely_ displays such behaviour.

Captain Kuchiki has a face of marble, and in any normal circumstance, is nigh impossible to read.

So why is it, the more Toushirou scrutinizes him and waits for his question to be answered, does it feel that the aloof Kuchiki appears to be… _squirming?_

“Perhaps,” Kuchiki begins, before pausing and closing his mouth, and appears to be in some… pain.

No, Toushirou realizes with a jolt, it is _embarrassment._

Kuchiki is _embarrassed about something_.

“Perhaps,” Kuchiki starts again, stiltedly, cheeks faintly turning pink. “Perhaps, Captain Hitsugaya, you have not been the only one who has taken certain liberties with the truth regarding your brother.”

 

 

“ _They’re_ _best friends?”_ Momo giggles, trying to stifle her laughter, and utterly, utterly failing, even as she covers her mouth, she can’t hide her smile, can’t hide the dimple dancing delightedly in her cheek. “ _Captain Kuchiki_ actually _said_ that?”

“Apparently they’ve been best friends since the moment they saw each other,” Toushirou says, with a grumble. He can hardly believe it but Kuchiki’s words are ringing clearly in his ears. Even after he’s reported it to Momo, the memory already feels like a fever dream. Never would he have expected that kind of revelation, but then, he supposes, he would never have suspected that the other Kuchiki, upon seeing Toushirou’s matured _bankai_ form, would jump to the conclusion that the person before her, was his older brother. _Kuchikis_ , Toushirou thinks, resentfully. “That’s what he told Kuchiki and Abarai, apparently.”

It was an incredible sight to see Kuchiki so uncomfortable when he admitted it, Toushirou can’t help but recall. Awkward as hell, but… still, incredible.

“When?”

“At the beginning,” Toushirou shrugs. “When Abarai and Kuchiki had just… met Juushirou.”

“Really?” Momo lifts an eyebrow. “Renji-kun never mentioned that.”

“That’s because Kuchiki didn’t want anyone to know,” Toushirou says dryly, briefly smirking as he remembers that Kuchiki had only said that Juushirou had become his best friend because he was smarting from Toushirou’s remarks about not being able to make a joke.

So he told Abarai and Kuchiki that Hitsugaya’s older brother was his best friend, during the Quincy War, before he sent them away, never expecting that his off the cuff remark would have repercussions a year later.

(“Yeah,” Toushirou had said, shoving his hands into his pockets, sharing that bitterness. “Who would have thought it?”)

Anyway, the point was that he’d said it as a joke, said it sarcastically, so anyone could tell he wasn’t being serious, only… only Kuchiki and Abarai hadn’t seen it that way. And then Kuchiki had remembered, while the rumours of Juushirou grew, and by then it was too late to take it back, and now he was in a spot of bother.

“And now he wants an _autograph_ ,” Momo marvels, succumbing to a fit of laughter, and Toushirou can’t help but share her amusement, because who could have predicted _that_ twist? “As proof of their friendship?”

“Haiku, actually,” Toushirou corrects her, snorting. “But, yes. Basically.”

“Is this why he was glaring at you all the time when this whole thing started?” Momo inquires, mouth falling open with a gasp. Softly, she says. “It all makes so much _sense_ now.”

“To be fair, I wouldn’t want Juushirou to be my best friend either,” Toushirou deadpans, feeling a little bit sorry for Kuchiki’s predicament. “But how are we going to compose _haiku?”_

“Leave it to me,” Momo beams, full of confidence. “With your beauty and my brains, we’re sure to come up with something that even Captain _Kuchiki_ can deem acceptable.”

 

 

Something that surprises him is that Karin doesn’t change after the breakup.

She’s not overly sad, but then he supposes that she wasn’t overly happy when she started dating Daiki either.

Well. Maybe she _was_ happier, in a quiet way, but not like the heroines who get their happily-ever-after with the man of their dreams, where their joy was felt with each word in every fibre of their being.

It’s not that Toushirou doubts that Karin genuinely liked Daiki, but he’d known that her heart wasn’t in it from the start, so her indifference remained constant despite it.

From that perspective, of course her relationship was doomed to fail, and maybe that’s why it doesn’t have as much as an impact on her as much as he thought it would.

 

 

“How are you doing?” Toushirou asks Karin later, after he’s visited and hung out with her for a couple of weekends, concerned about her wellbeing, post-break up.

“Pretty good, actually,” Karin grins, hands on her hips, as she declares her response. “I do feel guilty about how things went, but… it’s like I said, I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship.”

“I see,” Toushirou says.

Dating seemed to him such a strange concept to him, sometimes. Or rather: to date someone, but not date them seriously. It boggles his mind, because dating is different in Soul Society. In Soul Society, dating is always a prelude to marriage, dating is  where a person professes their love and sticks to it, through hell or high water, never giving up despite all the setbacks that might happen.

Dating in the mortal realm seemed much more fickle in comparison.

Not always — as in the case of Inoue and Kurosaki, who had their heart set on each other since the beginning, according to many — but enough.

Things were done differently in the two realms, and Toushirou accepted it. It’s just… sometimes he forgets that. He never had a reason to notice the differences, before befriending Karin.

“Yeah, so,” Karin says, with a shrug. “I’m alright.”

“What about…” Toushirou hesitates, not certain what prompts him to ask, “What about Daiki?”

“We actually haven’t talked since,” Karin admits, clearing her throat. Her lashes flutter as strands of hair gets caught in the breeze. “It’s. Um. Awkward, but I think what we both need is space. So we probably won’t be talking to each other for a while.”

“That sounds… good,” Toushirou says, cautiously. He’s really out of his depth here.

“ I think so,” Karin says, forcing positivity in her voice like a recitation. “Time apart will let us re-think about what we both want.”

“What _do_ you want?”

“Oh, you know. Money. Good grades. Good sports career,” Karin lists off, blasé. She smiles her crooked smile that Toushirou recognises is always a precursor to trouble. “The usual.”

“Nice goals,” Toushirou comments, smirking despite himself, and then asks, “And what about boyfriends?”

“Only if I _really_ like him,” Karin decides, rolling her eyes at him. “ _And_ he does my homework as part of the deal.”

“Didn’t Daiki?”  Toushirou teases, shaking his head. “The nerve.”

“Hush you,” Karin snickers, amused despite herself. “He bought me food and showered me in gifts instead. That was enough for me.”

“ _Just_ that?” Toushirou lifts an eyebrow at her, like he can’t believe that Karin would stop there. “What happens when your next boyfriend comes along?”

“Yeah, because there’s a _million_ boys queuing up to date me,” Karin deadpans, then pushes at his shoulder, a punch that has no weight to it. “ _C’mon_ , Toushirou, don’t be like that. I might not even have another boyfriend until I graduate high school.”

“Sorry,” Toushirou says.  There’s just something about the situation that keeps catching him out, and he’s pretty certain it’s just that he can’t reconcile the differences in dating between the two realms. “I didn’t mean…”

He thinks about Juushirou, how Karin thinks that he’s dated a lot, and realize that Juushirou does not follow the general norm in Seireitei. _Crud._ There’s got to be a loophole he can come up with, in case Karin questions it. Then again, because Juushirou is such a wild card anyway, would it really be that unrealistic to say Juushirou would defy the standard expectations, anyway? Just because he can?

“It’s fine,” Karin waves it away, but her shoulders rise when she’s tense, and she adds, defensibly. “I’m just saying that it’s my choice, you know? I didn’t _have_ to date Daiki-kun, Toushirou.”

“Why did you?” Toushirou asks, softly, peering at her curiously. There’s no such thing as ‘casual dating’ in Soul Society. He supposes he’s trying to wrap his head around it, even if it comes across badly to Karin.

“ _Because_ ,” Karin says, then states plainly. “Daiki-kun seemed interesting and I liked the look of him. He swayed me over with gifts that he promised I would like. For a while, that worked, that was fine. And then, it wasn’t. Daiki-kun just… wasn’t interesting, the gifts weren’t enough. So I called it quits.”

Silence falls upon them.

Put like that, the basics of ‘casual dating’ is easy to understand. So why does he still have misgivings?

“It’ll be better, next time,” Karin says, gently, upturning her face to the sky.

“Oh yeah?”

“ _Yeah_ ,” Karin nods, determinedly, and something about that makes her hopeful. She smiles at the blue and white sky, and then cheerfully looks at him and grins with all her teeth. “I’ve got dating experience now, and stuff.”

“And that makes you _such_ a catch,” Toushirou snarks, bumping his shoulder with hers.

Karin sticks her tongue out at him, completely undeterred. “It really does.”

 

 

It’s stupid, he knows.

Momo would be disappointed in him, furious when he tells her — particularly since she was the one most insistent that it should never happen again.

Toushirou knows it’s wrong, but against all his better judgement, he can’t resist.

“Yo,” Juushirou says, with a wave. Toushirou is going to keep it simple and short, and ignore any opportunity to ‘flirt’. An off day for Juushirou, perhaps, but necessary for Toushirou’s growing discomfort. “How’ve you been?”

“ _Juushirou!_ ” Karin says, surprise flittering over her face before it transforms into joy. “ _Hi!_ What are you doing here? How do you always manage to sneak up on me like that?”

“Habit,” Juushirou says, having the sense to act remorseful. Toushirou had decided that Juushirou’s tendency to appear and disappear at will is because his brother really enjoys using _shunpo._ To an unnecessary extent. Even though Juushirou loves attention and spotlight, he’s not one for long goodbyes. He offers an impish smile at Karin, almost bashful. “Sorry?”

“It’s fine,” Karin says, waving it away with a blush rising on her face. She grins at him. “I’m fine. And you? Are you fine?”

“Very fine, indeed,” Juushirou smirks. “Thank you for asking.”

Mentally, Toushirou berates himself. He hadn’t _meant_ to flirt, and yet, within seconds, he had. He’s not even _good_ at flirting, but even he can hear the suggestiveness in his tone. He’s certain that it wasn’t there last time he spoke with her.

The worst part is that Toushirou doesn’t know if it’s Juushirou’s character escaping him, or Toushirou is _can’t stop saying words_ when he’s in this form. Maybe it’s because he’s gotten rusty again, but it feels like there’s so much _energy_ thrumming through his veins.

“Anytime,” Karin says, looking up at him, which is _still_ something Toushirou has yet to get used to. “Hey, so, I’m pretty sure that Toushirou had told me you had left Karakura Town already? I mean, it’s been a while since I’ve seen you, so I figured…”

“Right. I should explain. Truth is, I’m not really one for goodbyes, Karin,” Juushirou admits, somewhat sheepishly. “It drives my baby brother and sweet sister insane, but… that’s how it is. It’s just something I’ve always done. I’m like a leaf blowing in the wind, here one moment and gone the next.”

His arms gesture and move sweepingly, and Toushirou is left to pose awkwardly, staring at his hands.

“Okay,” Karin says, tilting her head at him, her eyes wide. “So why are you —”

“I had to come back,” Juushirou admits, interrupting her and Toushirou doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say next. What could _possibly_ justify this extraordinarily selfish visit? Maybe he could use this opportunity to say goodbye to Karin for good. Grant her closure that Juushirou would normally never give. “I got curious. Last time I saw you, you were going to break up with your boyfriend. How’d that go?”

“It went okay, I guess,” Karin admits, reticently. She folds her arms across her chest and shrugs. “It was hard to get the words out, but I did it. I broke up with Daiki-kun.”

“Congratulations,” Juushirou says, applauding her, though belatedly Toushirou wonders if that’s in poor taste and promptly stops. “So what now?”

“Not sure,” Karin says. “Probably stay single for a while. Take the experience I gained and use it to become a better person. I don’t want to make the same mistakes next time.”

“Interesting outlook, I like it!” Juushirou whistles, impressed. “Good for you to be that positive!”

“Thanks,” Karin grins at him, glowing at his praise. “I like to think I have a pretty realistic view on these things.”

“Tch, _realism_. Love doesn’t anything to do with having a realistic view on things,” Juushirou says, scoffing at the thought. He takes her hand, impulsively, and with the other, gestures at the blue, blue sky, inspired to make a point, to inspire _her_. “Love is _lunacy_ , Karin! Throwing caution to the _wind!_ Love is all about making hearts beat faster, capiche?”

_Capiche?_

Toushirou cannot believe that _he_ is saying these words out loud, but lo and behold, there he is, saying complete drivel. A mishmash of all the purple prose he’s picked up from reading romance novels.

_Who says capiche?_

“Okay,” Karin agrees, laughing slightly and smiling at him, like she’s genuinely _charmed_ by his nonsense. She _is_ , Toushirou knows, dread in his throat, because Karin doesn’t fake her feelings. If she dislikes someone, she won’t make the effort to pretend to like them.

Karin looks at Juushirou like she’s dazzled by him, cheeks blossoming into an apple pink glow, and how can Toushirou even think that Karin can _fake_ emotions like that?

It nearly takes his breath away. The effect Juushirou has on her. The effect Karin has on _him_.

Then Toushirou remembers that he’s still holding her hand, a feat that’s only possible when —

When he’s _Juushirou_.

Louder. Bombastic. Theatrical.

Pure impulsiveness and sheer hedonism.

He can’t help but resent it a little. How he just acts without thinking, running his mouth, and afterwards is left horrified at how out-of-control he was in that form. But somehow, he always forgets about it until he’s feeling slightly out-of-control again. It’s different when he’s in a battle, where he can concentrate on winning and feel _centred_ by the increase of power. When he uses his _bankai_ for non-fighting purposes, it has a different effect.

The thing is, he still _feels_ like he’s in control. He always feels like he’s reining himself back, but on reflection, it’s never enough. Everything feels magnified in this form. His emotions feel magnified, leave him troubled afterwards, the reason eluding him every time.

Toushirou _notices_ now. Details that he wouldn’t have when he’s his usual self.

Like Karin.

Karin likes Juushirou so much more than she’s ever liked Toushirou, crushing on Juushirou _instantly_.

“Okay,” Karin repeats, more confidently, and nods. Then she glances around to see if anyone is watching them before she adds, her grin widening. “ _Capiche_.”

It’s such an endearing sight that Toushirou despairs.

“Promise me, Karin, that you’ll find someone you can see yourself loving like that,” Juushirou implores her, and Toushirou doesn’t recognise himself, doesn’t know _where_ the words are coming from, but he can’t _stop._ It’s like he’s consumed by passion, the moment, Karin gazing at him in reverence. “Someone who makes you happier than you ever thought possible.”

“I will,” Karin says, cheeks flushed, glancing at his hand in hers for a moment, before staring at him, eyes bright, and with so much admiration as if —

As if she wished that person was _him_.

Hitsugaya Juushirou.

Air rushes out of his lungs with the realization. _Karin still likes Juushirou._ Mind reeling, Toushirou lets go of her hand, hardly cognizant of his actions as everything turns to static.

_Karin still has a crush on Juushirou._

It shouldn't be a revelation, but it  _is_ , and it shatters him to the core. And then another thought occurs, an emotion he couldn't decipher slides into place, and suddenly everything makes  _sense._

It strikes him at once how  _stupid_  he's been, how  _blind_ , how  _jealous_  —

Toushirou had been  _jealous_ , wishing that Karin would like  _him_  like  _that_ —

And now, infuriatingly, he's  _jealous_  of a person  _who doesn't even fucking exist._


	8. Turquoise Turbulence

 

 _Fuck,_ Toushirou thinks, blanching, staggered by the weight of his emotions. It’s like he’s been hit by an ocean wave, water crashing all around him, only it’s _emotion_ , pouring out of him, ridiculously strong and overwhelmingly intense. _Fuck._

He tries to keep the smile on his face, the levity of Juushirou’s personality, the exaggerated poses, but Toushirou can’t commit, too dazed and distracted by his heart. He doesn’t think that Karin notices that anything is wrong when he decides to leave minutes later, but his mind is still reeling as he departs from the fields, desperate to return to his actual self.

He doesn’t fight the drowsiness, falling asleep in his bed the instant he transforms, utterly exhausted and comforted by the fact that he dreams of nothing at all.

 

 

Something feels different when Toushirou wakes up the following day. It’s not unusual to wake up feeling sluggish, heavier than usual the day after transforming, Toushirou has always chalked it as exhaustion. Usually, determination to get up, even though he feels wrecked, motivates him enough to power through the tiredness.

But this time it’s different. In addition to the morning lethargy… there’s an _ache._

He doesn’t know why he thought it would go away: the ache in his chest, the jealousy he’d been so slow to recognise, the anguish he now feels.

It won’t go away anytime time soon.

So he wallows, not wanting to leave his bed, the sensation of heartache new and painful and sharp.

Toushirou can’t stop himself from going over the memory in his head, re-living the moment again and again and again. Even now it feels surreal, as if it was pulled straight out of a dream and he’s still waiting for the part where he wakes up.

Except he’s already awake, and reality is cold against his face with a splash of water. He stares at himself in the mirror, not quite recognising himself. Droplets slip down his cheeks.

 _He likes Karin._ Toushirou allows himself to think the thought, mouth parted, breath shallow, realizing the truth with a hollow, sinking feeling. Has done for quite some time, actually.

_Fuck._

Admitting it doesn’t make his heartbeat slow down.

 

 

“Captain? What’s with you recently?” Matsumoto asks, her head cupped in her hand, gazing at him with concern. “Is everything okay? You seem kind of… off.”

“Hm?”

“Did something happen?” Matsumoto presses, leaning forward, her robin egg eyes soft and searching as she enquires about his wellbeing. “To be honest, you’ve been out of it for a couple of days now.”

“No. Nothing,” Toushirou denies in an instant, stalwart.

Nothing’s happened, really.

He found out that he harbours a crush on Karin, which retroactively makes his actions and behaviour make much more sense.

Toushirou wouldn’t say it’s life changing or anything, really, when he’s doing his damndest to pretend that it doesn’t change a thing.

It doesn’t.

Not if he puts his mind to it.

But he can’t help but be annoyed, somehow. To wish, desperately, that he’d known about it _before_ everything escalated out of control — or that he remained oblivious while he sought out a way to resolve the situation and figured it out _afterwards_.

He’s not sure which would have been better, out of the two, having found himself in the midst of it, but he’s certain that either option would have been better than the one he’s in currently.

“Try to be a _little_ more convincing than _that_ , Captain,” Matsumoto teases, gently, leaning forward with an amused smile, concern still evident, all the same. “You know I’m always here to lend a shoulder if you need one. Or a bosom, if you prefer.”

“I’m quite alright, thanks,” Toushirou replies tersely, paying her no heed. “Your concern is noted.”

“Enough to warrant me taking the day off?” Matsumoto flutters her lashes at him, quick to bargain. “Why, Captain! You’re so generous!”

“Don’t push it,” Toushirou growls, but it’s too late, she’s vanished, and he’s left alone in his office, shouting —

“ _Get back here!”_

Toushirou decides to stop moping and pull himself together. He is utterly miserable.

“What did you do,” Momo says without preamble, her voice flat, her eyes utterly devoid of warmth as he stands nervously at her door. The restraint in her expression, teeming with a dangerous flicker of fury, makes him nervous. “Big brother?”

Guilt squirms in his stomach.

“What have you done, Shirou-chan?”

The sharpness in her tone feels like a command; and he’s compelled to answer her, regardless of how awful he feels.

“A few days ago,” Toushirou begins, stumbling through the words with difficulty, and swallows, momentarily blinded by sensations: the memory of that day, the realization, the way his heart twists anxiously in his chest. “I — I visited Karin… as Juushirou.”

He looks away so he can avoid seeing the disappointment on her face.

“ _Why,_ ” Momo says, flatly, not bothering to phrase it as a question, her anger muted, but palpable.

He can’t answer her.

“ _Why,_ Shirou-chan?” Momo asks again, louder, enunciating each syllable. The worst thing about Momo is that she knows exactly which buttons to press and how to get the answer out of him.

He looks at her, lost, and the expression on her face overwhelms him.

“I _had_ to!” Toushirou bursts out, declaring passionately, and realizing a second too late that Momo would not accept that answer.

“You had to,” Momo repeats slowly, delicately, and narrows her eyes.

“No, I mean —” Toushirou backtracks, mouth going dry. It’s a pitiful excuse and they both know it. He looks around, feeling vulnerable, out in the open. “I can’t do this out here.”

“If I let you in, will you tell me truth?”

 _“Yes,_ ” Toushirou hisses desperately, digging his nails into the meat of his palm. He’ll tell her everything because she’s his co-conspirer. “Of course I will!”

He doesn’t want their conversation to be overheard, why is that so difficult to understand?

“Okay,” Momo concedes, agreeing to his plea and lets him pass through. The door shuts quietly behind him. As soon as it does —

_“What do you mean you had to?”_

“I don’t know!” Toushirou flushes under her scrutiny, panicking. “It just _happened!”_

“No, I don’t believe that,” Momo shakes her head, displeased. She doesn’t raise her voice, instead keeps it soft and quiet, calm and controlled, and the effect it has on Toushirou is _unsettling_. Her losing her temper would be better than the quiet, crushing disenchantment. “That’s not true, is it, Shirou-chan? The _first_ time that Karin-san met Juushirou-kun — _that_ happened by chance. If I’m being generous, maybe I’d call the second time chance too. I _shouldn’t_ , mind you! But the third time — _no_ , Shirou-chan. There was nothing accidental about that. I wrote you a script — you practised being Juushirou — _we_ _planned an ending, Shirou-chan._ ”

“I know!” Toushirou says, grimacing, self-loathing. “The third time was supposed to be the _last_ time.”

After that, Juushirou was supposed to go away. Karin would have forgotten about him. And life would go on.

“So what happened?” Momo tilts her head, still wary, still livid. Despite her fury, she can’t escape her curiosity. “Why did Juushirou-kun visit Karin-san a fourth time?”

“I made a mistake,” Toushirou says, lifting his hands up, whole heartedly accepting the blame. He _knew_ he was making a mistake even as he was making it, but at the time, he just… hadn’t cared. Stupid, _stupid._ “It won’t happen again.”

“Are you sure?” Momo asks quietly, folding her arms across her chest. “Because if you’re going to continue this —”

“I’m _not_ , I swear,” Toushirou shakes his head. He feels _awful_. Not just because of his newly realized feelings — he had forgotten how much he hated being Juushirou _anyway_. Out of his depth, out of his skin. Each time Toushirou becomes Juushirou, he recognizes himself a little less, and he hates himself for it. This time it would stick. “Please believe me. Momo.”

Momo sets her mouth into an unhappy line, searching his face.

“Okay,” Momo says eventually, giving him a nod, shoulders relaxing, and the tenseness she carried dissipates. “I just had to be certain.”

He didn’t realize he’d been holding his breath, feeling relieved when air fills his lungs.

“You told me, remember?” Toushirou says, recalling Momo’s words. “The longer I continue being Juushirou, the worse it’ll get.”

Well, needless to say, it got _worse_.

“Juushirou shouldn’t have visited Karin,” Toushirou continues, chest tight, his mouth bitter. Lesson learned. “I wish I hadn’t done it.”

If he could take it back — he would. In a heartbeat.

But the damage is done, and his feelings, even if he remained oblivious, would have stayed the same.

“The question is, Shirou-chan,” Momo says softly, gazing at him, bemused. “Why _did_ you?”

“I…” He looks around the room, and sits himself down on her sofa. Head downcast, Toushirou stares at his hands. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Momo join him, sitting on the other side, tucking her feet under her. “The last time Juushirou met with Karin, she asked for break up advice. I guess, I wanted Juushirou to… follow up on that. Ask how the break up went. How she’s doing now. Something along those lines.”

It made sense to him on a character level. He knows that Juushirou is fictional, but every now and then, it almost feels like Juushirou is becoming a real person, an entity separate from him. He’s put a lot of work into trying to figure out how Juushirou operates that he supposes it’s become a habit.

He just — not to excuse his behaviour, but — Toushirou could _see_ Juushirou doing that. If Karin hadn’t wanted break up advice, then Toushirou doubts that Juushirou would have come back.

Or maybe he would have.

Maybe Toushirou would have thought up some other excuse. Maybe Toushirou would have thought that Juushirou just randomly wanted to see Karin. He hopes that if that had happened instead, he’d have been strong enough to resist the impulse, and Juushirou’s presence in his mind had faded.

“Why didn’t _you_ talk to Karin-san?” Momo asks, a crease between her brows forming. “You didn’t need Juushirou-kun for that.”

“Actually, I did,” Toushirou says, after a pause, feeling self-conscious as he tells Momo that he’d been there first-hand for the breakup in question. That he wanted to support Karin afterwards and frequently checked in with her in the weeks that followed to make sure she was doing alright. “But I wanted to know if Karin would give a different answer to Juushirou.”

His hands curl into fists, hating how pathetic the truth made him. How foolish he really was.

“Did you think Karin-san was lying to you, Shirou-chan?”

“No,” Toushirou shakes his head, then pauses. _Did he?_ “No. Karin wouldn’t lie about something like that.”

“Then why would her answer be any different?” Momo probes, glancing at him sceptically.

“I don’t know,” Toushirou admits, mouth dry. His hands shake, and he digs his nails into his palm, willing the trembling to stop. “I got this stupid idea in my head that Juushirou would _want_ to know the details from Karin instead of me.”

It’s a good excuse. It almost sounds convincing.

“How convenient,” Momo states, softly, the way she does when she’s trying to clamp down on her temper, but despite her best efforts, can’t hide the storm in her eyes. “That way you couldn’t simply tell our dear brother the news yourself.”

“I said it was stupid,” Toushirou mutters, feeling restless under her gaze. He thinks of Karin and feels a pang. “I can justify it, but that doesn’t make it right.”

“It doesn’t,” Momo agrees simply, mouth pressed into a thin line. “It _does_ fit with his characterization, though; I can see Juushirou-kun doing that. But he’s not real, Shirou-chan. Like it or not, _you_ went to see Karin-san _deliberately_. You can’t put the blame on someone who is a _figment_ of your imagination.”

“I _know!”_ Toushirou retorts, aggravated that he can’t pretend otherwise. He hates himself for it, but what’s done is _done._ Now he knows something he can’t unknow, and he feels so _angry_ with himself, for being so weak and pitiful and unable to resist temptation. “I know that, _dammit!_ ”

What is meant he say?

That being Juushirou has given him poorer impulse control and that he’s done things that he would have never done otherwise? That being Juushirou has partially ruined his life because he’s too embarrassed to own up to the truth? That being Juushirou has changed his perspective on so many things that he once thought were unshakeable?

That being Juushirou has made him realize that he _likes —_

“Shirou-chan,” Momo says softly, and he gasps, struggling for air, his chest rising and falling, and he reaches for her hand, uses it to ground himself. Momo talks soothingly, and he tries to focus on the sound of the words, the touch of his hand, willing himself to calm down.

He does, eventually, the heavy breathes subsiding.

“Are you okay?” Momo asks, after a pause, her violet eyes wide with worry. “Shirou-chan.”

“I…”

He lets go of her hand, withdrawing within. He tries to think of words to say, to answer, but it’s like his mind is just white noise.

He swallows.

“Water,” Toushirou says, abruptly, needing space, needing distance. “Could I drink some water, please, Momo?”

“Of course,” Momo nods, rubbing his arm comfortingly, before she fetches a glass for him. She waits for him to finish it before she asks her next question, her voice gentle but firm. “What else happened that day?”

“I didn’t make any promises to see Karin again,” Toushirou says haltingly, still feeling somewhat numb, and avoiding her gaze. Nevertheless, he recounts the details to Momo, as best he can without… without mentioning his epiphany.

Instead, Toushirou tries to stick to the facts.

There’s not much to tell — he was only Juushirou for about five minutes, if that.

He can barely remember leaving Karin after his realization, his mind distracted as he said some fleeting farewell, but Toushirou is fairly certain that he didn’t do that.

“That’s good, Shirou-chan,” Momo says, watching him carefully and trying to discern what the matter is without needing words. It’s a futile effort, but and she sighs, before changing tactic and tries to pry the answer from him using a gentle tone. “But that’s not what’s bothering you.”

“No, it isn’t,” Toushirou agrees, in a mumble of words. Heat blazes through his face, and he nearly feels overwhelmed by it. It still feels so _new_ to him, he can’t wrap his mind around it.

“It’s okay, whatever it is,” Momo says, her hand on his shoulder, grounding him. “You can tell me, Shirou-chan.”

“I…” He’s never said the words out loud before. The inside of his mouth feels like cotton as he tries to muster the words. He exhales, focuses on her touch. “I figured it out, Momo.”

There’s a lump in his throat, but he’s determined to meet Momo’s gaze.

“You were right,” Toushirou says, simply. “I _was_ jealous.”

There’s something immensely freeing in admitting that he was wrong. He doesn’t feel alone when he confides in Momo.

“I like Karin,” Toushirou admits, chest swelling. He smiles, almost dizzy with the feeling. “Momo, I _like_ Karin!”

“ _Oh_ ,” Momo says, blinking owlishly at him, her hand now placed over her mouth. “My goodness.”

“Yeah,” Toushirou confirms, warming at the truth of his admission, because he’s neither running nor denying it, he just _is_. For one bright shining moment, he feels blissful. Until he catches Momo’s expression, and that bliss instantly transforms into unease. “You seem… disappointed.”

“N… no,” Momo says, hesitating.

“Momo.”

This time it’s his turn to wait her out.

“I’m _not_ disappointed!” Momo insists, clearly disappointed. Her cheeks pinken under his scrutiny, but her effort to hide her despondency is in vain. Momo wilts after a minute, admitting with a meek voice. “It… um. It’ll sound silly if I say it.”

“Momo, we’ve been talking about our fictional older brother who everyone else is under the impression that he _exists_ ,” Toushirou states dryly, a touch sardonic. “All because I can’t stop digging myself deeper every time I become him.”

Hell, the Women’s Shinigami Association had even dedicated a _shrine_ to Juushirou.

It almost feels like Juushirou _is_ a separate person, and Toushirou has to remind himself that Juushirou isn’t even a person. No matter how he might pretend, he knows better.

It’s just. He’s gotten pretty good at fooling himself lately.

 “There is no way,” Toushirou says, attempting to be reassuring, and ends up sounding self-deprecating. “Whatever you’re about to say is stupider than that.”

“No, I suppose not,” Momo giggles, cheered up by the thought. It’s good to see her smiling again, Toushirou thinks, watching her with affection. He doesn’t doubt that she’s still mad at him, but he’s relieved by the respite, however brief it may be. She smoothes out her clothes, and sighs, sobering. “I’m really not disappointed, Shirou-chan. Honest.”

“Right.”

“I’m being… cautious,” Momo says, pausing before she chooses that word. Toushirou’s eyebrow lift. What does Momo have to be _cautious_ about? “I want you to be certain that what you think you feel for Karin _is_ in fact what you feel for Karin.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Toushirou retorts, stung. He thought she’d be _pleased_ by his announcement. “That I’m confused?”

“Possibly?” Momo waves her hands at him, hovering around words, eyes wide. “I mean, the situation that you’re in a bit… complicated.”

He stares at her.

“You like Karin-san, but Karin likes Juushirou-kun,” Momo says, looking a little sheepish, the longer he does nothing but stare at her. “I mean, I’ve read romance novels that are like that, Shirou-chan! I know how they end!”

Heat rushes into cheeks. _Has_ his life become a romance novel?

“But… but life isn’t a romance novel, Shirou-chan,” Momo continues, unhappily, and uncertain. “I don’t know how this is going to end for you. And… maybe I was _wrong_ about you being jealous.”

“But you _weren’t_ ,” Toushirou scoffs, incredulous that he’s hearing from Momo, of _all_ people. “You were _right_ , Momo. I _was_ jealous… because I like Karin!”

What else could be the reason that he wakes up with his heart in a twist? His thoughts are constantly about Karin. Surely it’s not that hard to believe that he could genuinely feel for Karin that way?

“Alright, then,” Momo says, slowly. “If you’re certain.”

Toushirou fights the urge to roll his eyes.

“Momo,” Toushirou states, quiet but firm. “Tell me.”

“You’re a… a very protective person, Shirou-chan,” Momo admits, still reluctant, drawing back and placing her hands on her knees, while she mulls over what to say. She inhales, and with it, comes the confidence she needs to speak candidly. Still, there’s an air of fondness in her gaze that she can’t hide, even as she’s cautioning him. “You look out for the people you care about. That _is_ a wonderful quality to have, but it often has given people the wrong impression.”

“Yes,” Toushirou agrees with her assessment thus far. “I suppose it has.”

Karin is not the first person people have tried to link him with romantically, but he’s always been able to brush them away, unbothered by what people might think.

“So, before, when I first suggested the idea that you were jealous… well, what if you weren’t jealous, after all?” Momo theorizes, gazing at him intently. “That you didn’t like the idea of Karin-san dating anyone not because… you wanted her for yourself, or because dating is different in the mortal realm than here, but… because bad things have happened to the people who are close to, who have had romantic attachment to other people.”

Air sucks into his lungs.

“Or _perceived_ romantic attachment,” Momo amends, sensing what he was about to say. She is silent for a moment, tensing at their past, the unspoken name that neither of them will voice. “It’s true, I once thought highly of that man. I was extremely loyal to him, and refused to believe that he was capable of the things he did. And for a time, I… I _did_ love him, but I was never _in_ love with him, Shirou-chan.”

“Momo.”

“My point, Shirou-chan, is that you don’t want to see the people you care about get hurt,” Momo says, somewhat sharply, swallowing and determinedly continuing with her train of thought, knuckles tightening. “Gossip about love affairs is nothing new.”

It isn’t, but he’s never liked them, all the same.

He remembers the whispers behind his back. What people said about Momo when they thought she couldn’t hear them. That she acted that way because she was in love. That he himself had acted in such a way because _he_ was in love. And so, for a time, the notion that there had been some sort of twisted love triangle between the three of them.

He’d hated it. He’d tried to shut it down, and whenever he was in earshot of someone badmouthing Momo, he’d snap and tell them to mind their own business, to do something better with their time than gossip.

Momo, on the other hand, Toushirou recalls, stiffened when she heard people talking about her, and then walk forward, head held high, paying them no mind.

He also remembers that Kira and Hisagi did not nearly receive as much vitriol and unkindness as Momo had. And Matsumoto, too, with her closeness to Ichimaru, hadn’t nearly suffered as much as a backlash as Momo had.

“So?”

“ _So_ , you’ve never let them bother you before,” Momo shrugs.

“I wouldn’t say _that_ ,” Toushirou grumbles, taking umbrage. He certainly did not like the rumours between himself and Matsumoto, though Matsumoto, not even taking it remotely seriously, liked to encourage it with unending mirth.

“But you’ve never believed them,” Momo tilts her head, and Toushirou catches a slightly affectionate smile before it disappears. “Never thought for a moment that there might be some truth to them.”

“No,” Toushirou agrees, and pauses, internally questioning, wondering.

Was that it? Had he seen Karin as Momo, and wanted to protect her like a cautionary tale?

He never harboured feelings for Momo _or_ Matsumoto, but regardless, he felt some desire to protect them, and not want to see them broken-hearted by people they deeply cared about.

Why was it so different with Karin? Because she’d actually confirmed having a crush on Juushirou? Because she’d recently acquired a boyfriend, but regarded the whole thing with shocking nonchalance?

(But then, her heart broke nevertheless, just a little bit, even if it was supposed to be a casual relationship.)

Maybe Momo’s right, and it’s a pattern that he hadn’t been aware of. Or at least — not to that extent.

“So, what? Now that Juushirou’s in the picture, that’s got me believing gossip?” Toushirou lifts an eyebrow. He knows that Juushirou has made life much more difficult and complicated than it needs to be, but… _really?_ Matsumoto has made teasing remarks about Karin before, and he’d simply shrugged it off. “Is that what you’re trying to say?”

 “ _Maybe,_ ” Momo mumbles, hesitant, her cheeks pinking as he looks at her, stunned. “I’m not saying I’m right, Shirou-chan. I’m only — it’s a _theory._ I don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours. And I said it would sound silly, didn’t I?”

She shrugs, curling in on herself.

“We’ve both been trying to make to make people believe that Juushirou-kun exists. But you… you had to _be_ him, and… everything changed when you found out that Karin-san liked Juushirou-kun,” Momo points out, glancing at him with concern. “You know it did, Shirou-chan. So with that complication and you trying to handle it, on top of things escalating in Soul Society, maybe… things got muddled for you. Maybe what you need is a break from all of this, to figure out how you _really_ feel.”

A break from Juushirou _does_ sound like a good idea.

“But, look, Shirou-chan, if you truly believe that you like Karin-san, then okay. Case closed,” Momo leans forward, observing him carefully. “But if there’s a chance you might think otherwise… would you still have these feelings for Karin if Juushirou-kun wasn’t in the picture?”

He opens his mouth, wordless. Not even certain _what_ he could say to that. He shuts his mouth.

At least in the beginning, Toushirou _hadn’t_ thought that he liked Karin like _that_. And then comes along Juushirou, and Toushirou is left in the aftermath, confusedly trying to get a hold on a situation that continues to spiral out of control.

Karin had a crush on Juushirou, and that had confused him. He’d obsessed over it, trying to make sense of her…

Is he still spiralling out of control, trying to cling to theories that make sense in the moment? Or had his feelings always been there, only to be realized in the tumult of jealousy?

“I don’t know,” Toushirou admits, with pause. Maybe he’ll never know, and will be left to speculate forever. “But I’ve never felt like this before, Momo. I’ve never felt like this about _anyone_ before.”

He feels heart-sick, wracked with anguish at the state he’s in. He can’t stop thinking about Karin. About Juushirou. About this mess of situation they’re in. And Karin doesn’t have a _clue._ He can’t tell her. He just… he _can’t._ Not now, after everything’s that happened.

Discovering that he has feelings for Karin doesn’t make things better, in fact it makes it worse.

Maybe he really does need to take a step back. Think about it some more. Reassess everything he thought he knows, instead of going with the heat of the moment.

But…

Even without Juushirou, he liked Karin. He mulls on that a little longer, and tries to suppress a wave of bitterness, because if anything, Juushirou made him realize his feelings far sooner than he would have without him.

“I think… I’ve felt this way about Karin for a very long time,” Toushirou confesses, sweet agony filling his chest in confirmation. “I just never realized it before.”

“I believe you,” Momo says, sincerely. “I didn’t mean to doubt you, Shirou-chan, it’s just…”

“The situation is complicated enough as it is,” Toushirou sighs, nodding, understanding her concern better, and Momo looks relieved. “It wasn’t silly at all — it was worth thinking about, Momo.”

If anything, he feels more secure about his feelings, having mulled over it. Juushirou wasn’t the cause of them, but he certainly helped Toushirou be aware of them.

“Well, I’m glad we cleared that up,” Momo smiles, and he smiles back, relaxing into a comfortable silence.

The peaceful atmosphere lasts less than it should, in Toushirou’s opinion.

“You know,” Momo says, apropos of nothing, nudging his leg with her foot, feather soft. “It’s kind of hard not to appreciate the irony of it all.”

“The —” Toushirou splutters, heat flooding his cheeks, and he sits up “The _irony?”_

“Yes,” Momo nods, cheekily, unbearably smug. “ _Definitely_ irony.”

“Momo,” Toushirou grits his teeth. “You’re not helping.”

“ _Really?_ ” Momo stares at him with wide eyes, incredulously, more than a touch sarcastic. “Let me spell it out for you, then, Shirou-chan! You keeping living this double-sided life, and complain about the woes of your suffering, how difficult things are, while I, again and again, lend an ear and give you advice, and watch you perpetuate the very thing that drives you crazy. And now you’re stuck in the middle of a love triangle of your own making! How’s _that_ for irony?”

His cheeks grow very, very hot.

“ _Momo —”_

“Do you really think _I’m_ not helping?” Momo interrupts, shrieking at him. Toushirou’s eyes widen as she loses her temper and _snaps,_ letting everything she hasn’t said burst out in a snarl. “Who was it that _confirmed_ his existence when all you wanted to do was deny it, to no avail? Who was it that formed your brother’s personality and backstory, because you wanted to _distance yourself from him?_ Who was it that gave him his _name?”_

“I didn’t ask you to!” Toushirou retorts, shouting back, too stubborn to backtrack on his words, especially since all the examples she gave were points of contention that helped things escalate beyond their wildest expectation. He’s not the only person that made things worse for themselves.  “I didn’t ask you to do any of those things!”

“You didn’t _have_ to!” Momo hollers, cheeks turning blotchy with anger. “I thought it was what you wanted! And when I found out it wasn’t, well, let’s review what happened, shall we?”

This, Toushirou realizes a beat later, blood draining from his face, will _not_ be good.

“Who advised you to _wait_ and see what happens next? To _not encourage_ Karin-san’s fledging affection with the promise of more? To _not_ visit Karin-san _repeatedly_ _despite_ your growing obsession with her attraction — excuse me — her _crush_ , as you put it — on your fictional older brother — because you were too oblivious to realize your _own_ crush on her until green eyed jealousy makes itself known once and for all?” Momo asks rhetorically, voice rising in volume, as she reminds him again and again, who exactly is to blame for his current predicament.

Silence falls, and for a moment, the only noise is Momo’s heavy breathing, since Toushirou had stopped quite some time ago.

“And _who_ was it,” Momo continues, glaring at him with disdain, “that went and did those things anyway?”

He says nothing, utterly lambasted.

“I thought so,” Momo says, tartly, folding her arms across her chest in victory. Her rage simmers, but not enough for her to be petty and dig it in with one more remark. “So. Yes. I repeat: do you really think I’m not helping?”

“No,” Toushirou sighs, calming down after a moment. Truth be told, he regretted saying that the second the words were out in the open. “I’m sorry, Momo. I shouldn’t have said that.”

If it wasn’t for Momo, he’d probably have lost his head long ago.

And, looking back, it had been _kind_ of fun to come up with a history for their big brother, and act as if it was old news for them, and it physically pained him to talk about his obnoxious and carefree ghost of a sibling. He had liked nit-picking Momo’s script and improvising with her. He hadn’t minded _that_ sort of acting.

Despite how frustrating Toushirou found Juushirou with other people, it was fun to talk about him with Momo.

“No, you shouldn’t have,” Momo agrees, softening somewhat, expelling a lot of her anger with a deep sigh. It’s not that her anger has abated, but certainly, Toushirou knows that it’s cathartic to voice everything she had kept bottled up inside while he needed help getting perspective on the situation on hand. “But I am your one and only older sister, so I forgive you.”

“Thanks.”

“My next question,” Momo continues, hand resting under her chin, and observing him. “Is what do you intend to do next?”

“I haven’t thought that far ahead,” Toushirou admits, sinking into the sofa. “I just… I made a mistake, Momo, and you’re the only person I can talk about it with.”

“Alright,” Momo says, pouring herself a drink, and lifts her cup, considering. “It’s… not going to happen again, is it?”

“You mean Juushirou?” Toushirou asks, waiting for Momo to respond. She nods. “No. I told you I wouldn’t, remember? He’d only make things worse.”

They’d written a perfect ending. And Toushirou had ruined that, by making Juushirou appear a fourth time, but what’s done is done, and he’ll have to live with that imperfection.

“Better late than never,” Momo teases him, the tiniest hint of a smile quirking at the corner of her lips, and Toushirou flushes, because he knows he won’t live this down for a while.

“Yeah,” Toushirou concedes, grumbling.

“So, Shirou-chan,” Momo begins again, and Toushirou recognizes _that_ tone very well, and rolls his eyes because he knows what she’s about to say next. “You have feelings for Karin-san.”

“Momo!”

He can’t help but flinch, warmth spreading mortifyingly quick across his face, searing hot, and verifying her statement in the worst way possible, and Momo giggles, endeared and _delighted_.

How is it that that being shouted at for his mistakes feels _much less embarrassing_ than being teased at for having a crush?

 

 

It bothers him that he doesn’t know what to do.

He’s usually so driven and motivated and quick to find it — but this time, the solution doesn’t present itself as simply as becoming stronger. He doesn’t need to train himself to be strong enough. Strength isn’t the answer this time around; it would just serve a welcome a distraction to avoid thinking about how he can go about solving the problem.

So, for a while, Toushirou tries to busy himself in work.

Hoping that by losing himself in a flurry of reports and with idle chitchat with Ise he’ll be able to take his mind off it, which in turn, will help him finding his bearings and let a solution present itself out of the blue. As of late, Kyouraku seems to be under the impression that the best way to cheer him up is to bring more candy so whenever he sends Ise to deliver sweets, she brings along her reports, so they may work together in peace. Matsumoto always seems to be conveniently absent whenever Ise visits.

But he can’t stop thinking about it, the thought resurfacing every few minutes, embarrassing him, though he does his best to quash his feelings, pen hovering in the air.

_How could he not know?_

_How was he that blind?_

_How did everyone realize before he did?_

If Ise notices, she leaves him be.


	9. Misfire Mint

 

“I can’t believe I didn’t think of it sooner!” Momo exclaims a few days later, eyes bright and sparkling, a giddy smile on her face. “Why don’t you confess to Karin-san?”

“I can’t do _that!”_ Toushirou goes bright red, frenzied thoughts rushing to come up with excuses, worse case scenarios. The simplest is, of course, the most truthful. “She doesn’t feel the same way as I do.”

Better to let his affection for her remain secret, than to let Karin know.

“How do you know?” Momo stares at him, tilting her chin up. “Have you ever asked her?”

“No, but she likes _Juushirou_ ,” Toushirou shakes his head, trying to repress the surge of envy inside him. He snarks, voice laced with venom. “Should I say ‘hey, Karin, I really like you, so forget about my brother and date _me_ instead’?”

_Ludicrous._

“Why not?” Momo shrugs, unfazed by his condescension. “If Juushirou-kun is the problem, why not get rid of him by telling Karin the truth? And then, later — _much_ later — tell Karin-san how you feel about her.”

_Absolutely ludicrous._

“That’s a terrible idea,” Toushirou scoffs, derisive at the thought. “There is _no way_ that it would end well.”

Not now that he’s dragged it out this long.

“Are you worried about people in Soul Society finding out that our dear brother isn’t real from her?” Momo asks, and _yes_ , Toushirou supposes that is one of his worries in that scenario. “You could ask her to keep it secret for you. That you’re going to tell everyone else when you’re ready.”

“What if she doesn’t listen to me and decides to storm into Soul Society and blurt the truth out in a fit of anger?” Toushirou scowls, recoiling at the idea, the potential fallout. “There’s got to be another way. Think of something else.”

“Oh, I see,” Momo frowns at him, keeping a cool head, and it feels like their roles have reversed somehow. “Okay, Shirou-chan, what have _you_ come up with since the last time we talked? Have you thought of a plan, or have you been moping?”

_Moping?_

“Who told you that?” Toushirou bristles, not liking her tone. “I haven’t… I _haven’t_ been _moping.”_

He’s Captain of the Tenth Division. He’s got better things to do than _mope._

Momo stares at him, her expression saying a thousand words.

“ _Fine_ , I’ve been moping,” Toushirou grumbles, deflating. If only all his problems could leave him alone for just five minutes. Is that really so much to ask? He’s been utterly miserable with them crowding his thoughts that he hasn’t _had_ any time to think. “But you can’t tell anyone.”

“Shirou-chan,” Momo sighs, irritated, but as the seconds tick by, she relents. “Okay. I won’t.”

“Thank you,” Toushirou says, quietly.

“I still think you should tell Karin-san how you feel about her, Shirou-chan,” Momo says, pointedly, gently. “You’re never going to know unless you say something, right?”

He’s hesitant to reply at first, torn between wanting to savour how hope ignites in his chest and wanting to extinguish it because of how futile it feels.

“But,” Toushirou begins, inaudible, wavering back and forth.

There’s a danger in wanting to believe in something so badly and pretend it’s true

“Karin likes Juushirou,” Toushirou states simply, meeting Momo’s gaze, his voice resolute once more. “Therefore, she can’t like me.”

“Have you learnt nothing from the books I lent you?” Momo folds her arms across her chest, huffing. “A person _can_ like two people at the same time — that’s why love triangles exist, Shirou-chan! If you want proof of that, well, didn’t Karin-san have a boyfriend while _also_ liking Juushirou-kun?”

“She did, but,” Toushirou acknowledges, swallowing, thinking back.

Karin downplays her feelings a lot of the time, and Toushirou has known her long enough to recognize when she is, but when she needs to be forthcoming about matters that she can’t remain silent on, Karin has no problem expressing that side of her.

And when it came to matters of the heart, well, subtlety was non-existent whenever Karin was around Juushirou. It was like Juushirou lit a fire that radiated from Karin for miles and miles.

Did Daiki ever make Karin that happy?

“I’m pretty sure she didn’t _actually_ ‘like him’ like him,” Toushirou concludes with a shrug. He won’t deny that Karin _cared_ about Daiki but… he never was convinced that she felt more for him than that, basking in the attention. “Karin basically said as much anyway.”

“Okay, well, that can happen sometimes. Next thought, then: maybe she’s projecting?” Momo suggests, trying a different approach after mulling over the information. She raises her hand as he is about to speak, not finished with her thought, and Toushirou nods, closing his mouth, curious to know what she’s thinking. “If Karin-san can’t have _you_ , then she’ll have the next best thing. You’re her best friend, Shirou-chan; Juushirou-kun is your mysterious older brother that she still doesn’t know that well, and therefore, easier to project and channel her feelings in a more… symbolic way. If she can’t let herself feel that way about you, then… it’s might be safer to direct her emotions onto him? How does that sound?”

“I don’t know. It’s possible, I guess, but,” Toushirou sighs, doubtful and uneasy at the thought. He shakes his head, not willing to entertain them for a second. Even if he didn’t like the idea of it, he can’t imagine Karin doing that that. He can’t imagine Karin liking him _that_ way, wistful sighs and longing glances and.. _._ “ _No_. Definitely not. Karin would never do that.”

“What if she was doing it subconsciously? That way she’d be unaware that she was doing it at all?” Momo suggests as a counterpoint, tilting her head as she considers the possibility that greatly distresses Toushirou. She exhales, and moves on. “Okay, it was only a thought. There are plenty of alternatives like… like… oh! _Oh!_ ”

She gasps, and claps her hands, intrigued by the prospect, then meets Toushirou’s gaze with a contemplative expression.

“What if Karin-san is acting this way to make _you_ jealous?” Momo grins, enthused. “ _Classic_ romantic tactic.”

He snorts.

“If that was the case, Momo, I think Karin would have noticed that I _am_ ,” Toushirou grumbles, growing crankier with each potential theory that he has to shut down with his powers of logic and reason. Even if Karin had tried to make Toushirou jealous _subconsciously,_ surely she would have said something by now.

Right?

“Not necessarily, she could be just as dense as you,” Momo sighs, tiredly, and rubs her temple. She takes a moment, letting her remark really sink in, before she opens her eyes and looks at him, and even now, there’s a hopeless affection for him even when she finds him _exasperating._ “I can’t claim to know what’s going through Karin-san’s head, Shirou-chan. I can only suggest these theories because they’ve happened so often in romance novels that I know how they play out.”

 _Life isn’t a romance novel_ , Momo had said, Toushirou recalls. It wasn’t going to work the same way it was for them. That didn’t mean they couldn’t use it as a frame of reference, though, trying to navigate their situation.

_Oh._

“Maybe we’ve been going about this the wrong way,” Toushirou muses, furrowing his brow. For the entirety of their current discussion, they’ve been trying to analysis what Karin might or might not be thinking and feeling, applying romance tropes arguably as a reason. Perhaps what they — what _he_ — needs to do is change the angle. “Maybe _I_ should take initiative and see if I can make _her_ jealous?”

“That… actually sounds like a good idea, Shirou-chan!” Momo says, pleasantly surprised by his contribution, and smiles at him, enthused. “I’m a little bit impressed, I have to say.”

“Yeah, well. You probably thought of it first,” Toushirou mumbles, warmth spreading across his face. If Momo had suggested it, he might have shot it down. Or maybe not. It seemed like a safe way to test the waters, so to speak.

“It might have crossed my mind once or twice,” Momo admits with a sheepish smile, cheeks pinkening, and she giggles a little. “But that doesn’t mean I’m not proud of you for coming up with a plan.”

“Thanks, Momo,” Toushirou dryly says, “I learned from the best.”

He’s read more than a few books that liked to use the ever helpful narrative device known jealousy.

It let Toushirou realize his true feelings; hopefully it’ll be the same for Karin.

 

 

The question is, then, _who_ is going to be his false object of affection?

 

 

“Well, look who’s back,” Karin says, perking up the moment she sees him, and bursts into a megawatt grin. “Good to see you, Toushirou.”

“Hello to you too, Karin,” Toushirou mumbles, flustering, much to his surprise. He hadn’t counted on the rush of warmth radiating through his cheeks. He hadn’t realized that being _actively aware_ of having a crush on Karin would make him feel hyperconscious about _everything_ , and he can’t, for all he tries, _stop_ his heart from beating _so_ fast. At the mere sight of her earnest smile. He feels wonderful. He feels pathetic. How can he possibly act like everything is normal? “How have you been?”

“Good thanks,” Karin beams. “Better now that you’re here.”

“Oh yeah?” Toushirou raises an eyebrow, intrigued, desperately trying to not let his pulse race. “How’s that?”

“I’m kind of in the mood to win,” Karin says, her easy grin not wavering for even a second. “And you… well, you’re a decent match.”

“Please, I _let_ you win,” Toushirou snarks, slipping into their usual banter without any difficulty at all. Harbouring a crush on Karin or not, it’s not enough to make him lose _all_ rationality around her. A decent match? He’s much more than a _decent_ match.

“As if.”

“You have the advantage,” Toushirou points out, as he does every time they fall into this debate, “of this being your home turf.”

“Well, hey, any time you want to play soccer with me on yours, just let me know,” Karin quips, teeth dazzling white as she playfully punches his shoulder, the warmth of her knuckles seeping through his clothes, and he feels heady for a second, momentarily displaced. “Now are we going to talk, or are we going to play?”

“Game on, Kurosaki,” Toushirou smirks, and in this bright and blinding afternoon, where the sun is too hot and the atmosphere is too humid, it’s remarkably easy to shove his stupid feelings aside and let his competitive nature take over instead.

Karin tosses the soccer ball into the air, and their soccer skirmish begins.

 

 

Afterwards, he feels exhausted, but in a good way. Sweat cools on his skin, and Toushirou basks in the moment, relishing how fun it was, how relaxed he now feels. He’s missed the wind running through his hair, the grass staining his clothes, as he races back and forth across the field, trying to gain the upper hand and steal the ball from Karin. But Karin gives as good as she gets, and never let it be said that their victories against each other aren’t earned. 

It’s so much easier to play soccer when he’s not a lanky, spindly scarecrow, but that doesn’t mean that he’s guaranteed a win.

“Someone’s out of practice,” Karin teases, though she herself sounds a bit breathless.

“I can’t believe I lost,” Toushirou says, ignoring her as he heaves out heavy breaths. His limbs are sprawled across verdant stalks, and Toushirou lies on the ground, staring at the blue sky. “That never happens.”

“It’s likelier than you think,” Karin grins impishly, sitting next to him, though she changes her mind a second later and decides to join him, stretched out on the grass.  “Especially if you keep yourself locked up in Soul Society. Still, you looked like you were having fun.”

“Of course I did,” Toushirou rolls his eyes. “I’m with you.”

“Aw.”

His heart skips a beat at that, her pleased expression, how she doesn’t play off the moment with sarcasm — Karin is genuinely touched by his words, and that, more than anything is the reason why he remembers why he came to visit.

“I have to talk to you about something,” Toushirou says, closing his eyes. Lets himself enjoy the warmth of the sun on his face before he says the words. “It’s important, Karin.”

“Yeah?” Karin says, and he opens his eyes to the sound of her voice, marvelling how pretty she looks up close, her ponytail curled around her neck, her arms folded behind her head, every inch of her utterly at ease. “Okay, sure. Just give me five minutes.”

“Alright,” Toushirou agrees, relieved that he can use the time to prepare himself for what he’s about to say. When enough time has passed, he sits up and breathes out.

He’s welcomed by the sight of Karin’s grin, and it’s like a reflex, he can’t help but smile back. Warmth bursts out of him, shining from his entire face.

“So what did you want to talk about?” Karin asks, languidly, sitting cross legged and looking at him with expectant eyes.

“Girl problems,” Toushirou says, looking at the sky, not wanting to see Karin’s expression. He’s too afraid of what he might see. “I don’t know who else to talk to.”

“Girl… _oh!_ Oh, _no way!_ ” Karin gasps, then grins delightedly the second it clicks and she figures out what he means, much to his bafflement. She sounds so _excited_ for him, not — “You _like_ someone? _Who?”_

He strains his ears trying to hear that note of jealousy beneath the complete and utter joy she has for him.

He tries to spot a flicker of insincerity in her expression, but Karin’s an open book, and the only emotion she has for him is this precise moment is pure euphoria.  As if they’re best friends confiding in each other with their crushes on other people, not secretly pining for each other in the meantime.

“Not telling,” Toushirou retorts, bitter because he wanted to catch Karin out, to let jealousy betray her like it had with him, and instead… _she’s_ _happy for him._

_Genuinely happy for him._

How dare she!

“C’mon,” Karin pleads, pouting, _sotto voce_. “I told you about the people that _I_ like.”

“Yeah, well,” Toushirou mumbles, flushing red because he didn’t expect her to act _cute_ and _how does Karin not know the effect she has on him?_ “That’s you.”

“True,” Karin nods, accepting his response, and just like that, she relents, lifting her hands up as a gesture that she’ll leave him be. “Alright, fine. You don’t have to tell me. It’s your secret to keep.”

Wait.

That’s not —

That’s not what he wanted _at all._

“ _Fine_ ,” Toushirou rolls his eyes, ridiculously annoyed by her response that the intensity of it surprises him. “I’ll tell you if —”

“ _If_ ,” Karin echoes, looking at him with a fond smile, unable to hide her amusement, and he gapes at her, outraged.

Was this her plan all along?

“ _If_ ,” Toushirou hesitates, wanting to draw out a reaction from her and then decides against it. Likely he’s overthinking things. Best to keep it simple and focus. He can analyse everything later, when his chest doesn’t feel so tight. He swallows and lowers his voice. “If you promise not tell anyone.”

“Sure.”

“I mean it, Karin,” Toushirou murmurs, looking at her solemnly, so she knows he’s not messing around.

“Done,” Karin nods, miming zipping her mouth shut, and he resists the urge to smile at her.

“I knew I could count on you,” Toushirou says, trying to supress his guilt, and he’s rewarded by the sight of Karin’s smug grin. He takes a deep breath and: “It’s Kuchiki Rukia.”

“ _What?”_ Karin’s jaw drop, and… she looks horrified. “You’re _kidding_ me.”

“I wish,” Toushirou lying through his teeth and holds his ground while his traitorous heart beats erratically in his chest. His knuckles tighten, hoping that — hoping for —

“But she’s…” Karin trails off, and her horror at finding out who his crush is gives way to… sadness? Concern? Toushirou doesn’t understand, but Karin looks at him, worried. “Rukia is dating _Renji.”_

“I’m aware,” Toushirou mutters, sounding resentful and bitter instead of being _agitated_ by this _stupid and embarrassing lie_ that keeps on escalating whether he likes it or not and how it always, _without fail_ , always leads back to _Kuchiki and Abarai._

There’s a nice little irony there, which he knows that Momo will appreciate.

“That’s why —” Toushirou sighs, grimacing as he forces himself to go through with it and push the words out, even as it goes against every fibre of his being. It makes his admission seem more believable, he knows, even as he hates everything but especially _those two_ for causing this _stupid_ chain of events that has led him to _this_ situation in the first place. “ _That’s_ why you can’t tell anyone.”

“I won’t,” Karin promises, loyally, before she looks at him with wide eyes. “But — Rukia? _Really?”_

He can’t tell if there’s an iota of jealousy in her voice even now, her confusion ringing loud and clear.

Maybe the jealousy comes later, after the dust has settled.

(Maybe it doesn’t come at all.)

 _“Yes_ ,” Toushirou snaps, emphatic, before mumbling, cheeks blazing, mortified with himself. “At least, I think so.”

“What do you mean you _think_ so?” Karin narrows her eyes, questioning. “Is that a Soul Society thing? Not knowing if you like someone or not? I thought you said that love is a… what did you say… a serious matter. That there’s only one true love for everybody? Like swans, I guess. So, for Rukia and Renji there can be no one else, which makes you… _doomed_ , right?”

Oh.

So that’s why she’s worried.

“I _did_ say that,” Toushirou confirms, dragging the words out slowly, because he sure he wasn’t wrong about the romance norms, but he can’t quite figure out what to tell Karin at this very moment. Love is taken very seriously in Soul Society, he stands by that. Once a person falls for someone, there is no one else. That’s true love, where they have years and years to stand by that person’s side, and know their soul completely _._

(And if that time gets cut short, well — no one can fill that void.)

At least, that’s how it’s always seemed to him.

“But I _didn’t_ say that I’m in love with her,” Toushirou points out, proud of himself for finding a loophole. “Only that I _think_ I have a crush on her.”

That’s better, right?

Having a crush is one thing, being in love is another.

“Okay, but,” Karin allows, but still look at him with confusion. “How do you not know if you have a crush on Rukia? Either you like her or you don’t.”

“You make it sound so simple,” Toushirou deadpans. He knows better now.

“Isn’t it?” Karin shrugs, blasé.

Of course it wasn’t. He’d read dozens of books that even _proved_ that — half the time the leads weren’t aware of their burgeoning feelings until it was much, much later. He had wanted to yell at them, because the signs were there, and infuriatingly obvious, but the point remains: those characters of ink _didn’t know_ that they had crushes straightaway.

Toushirou himself had spent a good part of finding out that _he_ had a crush on Karin _in denial._ And it wasn’t until jealousy reared its ugly head that he became aware of it.

But then again, it depends on the individual.

“Did your brother?” Toushirou shoots back, and Karin opens her mouth and then shuts it.

“Point,” Karin concedes. “But then again, maybe Ichi-nii never _had_ a crush on Rukia. I don’t know.”

 “What about for Inoue?” Toushirou lifts his eyebrow, curious. “Did you think he knew right away?”

“No, definitely not,” Karin says, instantly, considering it a beat later, and laughs a little. “Ichi-nii _can_ be a little dense, sure, but I think he was aware of what he felt by the time Orihime confessed to him. It was a bigger surprise to him that she felt the same way about him. That idiot.”

“What about you and Daiki?” Toushirou asks quietly. “Was it really that simple?”

“Yeah. Pretty much,” Karin confirms with a nod, reminiscing. “I knew right away that I liked him. So I dated him. Then I didn’t, so I ended it. See? That simple.”

He stares at her, bemused, a little envious how easily she put it behind her.

It sounds like common sense, coming from her, as if she’s arbitrarily picking a favourite colour based on her mood right now, different to the one she’ll pick five minutes later.

“Anyway,” Karin says, apropos of nothing, and plucks out a clover from the grass, mulling, “There’s someone else in the picture now.”

Just like that, the world crashes into a standstill.

“You’re not seriously going after my brother, are you?” Toushirou squawks, a wave of panic rushing over him, his dismay out in the open before he realizes what he said.

“What? _No!_ As if!” Karin shrieks, drawing back, astonished by his outburst. Heat rushes to her cheeks, a dark burgundy that spreads like wildfire. “C’mon, Toushirou, we’ve been _over_ this! He’s hot, okay? _Incredibly_ hot, I am never going to deny that! But no. It’s never going to happen.”

“But —” Toushirou swallows, heart in his throat. _But_ —

“But what?” Karin says, daring him to finish his sentence. She looks at him, defiant and a little bit nervous.

“I thought,” Toushirou stutters, refraining from saying, _you flirt with him all the time! I know how you look at him!_ _I am him!_ “Um.”

“Yes?”

His flush deepens as Karin watches him, unrelenting.

“I thought,” Toushirou mutters, in vain, trying to cling on to a semblance of dignity, “that you really liked him.”

“I _do!_ Juushirou is _awesome_ , okay? _Really awesome!_ ” Karin stresses with enthusiasm, and Toushirou hates the spike of resentment and self-loathing that shoots right through him, even though he’d seen it coming a million miles away. He _knew_ it. Karin doesn’t notice, though, tucking her hair behind her ear, and going bright red as she looks away. Toushirou still glimpses the hint of a girlish smile, as she continues. “Nothing will change that, but… Juushirou is like a million years old, and, well, I like someone else now.”

_So soon?_

_“Already?”_ Toushirou balks, stunned. Wasn’t it only _last week_ that she dumped that — that Daiki?

“Mmhm,” Karin shrugs, looking down and grinning sunnily, swaying with glee, like she can’t help herself. It would be cute in any other scenario, if only Toushirou wasn’t taken aback by her news. “He caught my attention right away.”

“Oh,” Toushirou says, after a pause, wondering what she expects of him. Praise, right? “Good. Good for you.”

“Uh huh,” Karin narrows her eyes, not at all convinced by his extremely heartfelt and joyful display at support. She leans forward, and he can feel her breath as she studies him with a watchful expression. “What is it?”

“What?” Toushirou swallows, pulse racing.

“Whatever it is that’s bothering you,” Karin states bluntly, cutting the chase, as she draws back.

“Nothing!” Toushirou asserts, flushing. He raises his hands, trying to play innocent while he suppresses thoughts of wondering if she’d listened to Juushirou’s advice or thrown it out the window, if things would have happened like this without any inference from Juushirou whatsoever. “Didn’t you say that you were happy being single?”

“I did,” Karin nods, contemplative. “I am. But, I think this… rapport I have with Yusuke could go somewhere.”

“Alright,” Toushirou says, calming down, careful to hide his disappointment for… what, exactly? He’s her friend, and he should _act_ like it. Karin’s moving on. He should be happy for her. He _is_ happy for her, dammit, but… “Tell me about him.”

“If I do, you’re not going to scare him off, are you?” Karin teases, a dimple in her cheek.

 “I didn’t _scare_ Daiki off,” Toushirou objects, and that earns him a laugh from Karin, who is more than amused at his response. He tries to recall that day, and comes up feeling doubtful. “Did I?”

“No, but you were _very_ grumpy that day,” Karin informs him, and he certainly remembers _that_. Actually, no, he didn’t. He wasn’t any grumpier than he usually is. He’s pretty certain. Karin continues, smiling softly in reminisce. “He was worried that he’d done something wrong to upset you.”

“He didn’t do anything,” Toushirou recalls, frowning. “He was fine, Karin. A little quieter than I expected, but fine.”

“Uh huh,” Karin says, glib, before she echoes. “Quieter than expected?”

“Yeah,” Toushirou shrugs. “I thought he’d be more… flashy.”

“Flashy,” Karin repeats, staring at him in bemusement. “Okay?”

“Yeah,” Toushirou says, flushing under her scrutiny and refusing to elaborate because what he means is — Karin caught his attention right away the first time he laid eyes on her. He never would have guessed that she would become a person of importance to him, but he could tell right away that there was something about her. And he’s a little disappointed that Daiki never quite made much of an impact. He was fine, but ultimately forgettable. “Besides, I wasn’t _that_ bad.”

“Oh, please,” Karin deadpans, before giving him an incredulous look and snickering. “You were just as bad when it was my birthday and Daiki-kun tried to be extra nice to you. To no avail, I might add. But, _sure_ , okay, Toushirou, you weren’t that bad. Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

“Tell me about Yusuke,” Toushirou says, pointedly ignoring her, his cheeks burning. No matter what she claims, he _wasn’t_.

“ _Finally_ ,” Karin says, eyes lighting up as she waxes rhapsodic about the new crush that’s taken her fancy. “He’s on the basketball team and thinks he’s pretty hot shit.”

“Is he?”

“Hell _yeah_ he is!”

 

 

When he thinks about it later, he can’t help but feel that Yusuke seems _awfully_ similar to Juushirou.

Which is just fucking _stellar_.

 

 

“You were right,” Toushirou huffs, unable to stop pacing after he’s stormed into Momo’s office, and folded his arms tightly across his chest, deeply, _deeply_ unhappy with the newest predicament. He feels like an idiot. Of course out of all the options presented, the one that turns out to be _right_ is the one that he liked _least._

“About?” Momo asks, delicately, watching him carefully.

“ _Karin,”_ Toushirou says, scowling, and forces himself to stand still. Fuming.

“You mean,” Momo stands up, confusion shifting into hopefulness, “Karin-san feels the same way as you do?”

He gapes at her, flabbergasted at _how_ she could possibly come to that conclusion.

 _Would_ _he be in a state of frenzy if Karin felt the same way?_

“Very funny,” Toushirou glares, growing more embittered. _As if._ Toushirou _knew_ it would end up like this. He just _knew_ it. He _knew_ he never had a chance! “Your theory about Karin projecting, Momo, is correct.”

“Oh,” Momo sits back down, disappointedly sighing.

“She’s interested in someone else,” Toushirou continues, furious with himself, as he recites the facts. “A basketball player. Who sounds _exactly_ like _Juushirou_.”

 “You’re sure?” Momo asks, carefully, still watching him with a sense of caution. Not quite as convinced as Toushirou thought she would be, which might have calmed him down, had he he not been too busy seething in envy.

“Brash, confident, handsome and he knows it, yeah, Momo, I’m sure,” Toushirou glowers, giving Momo a brief rundown of what Karin told him. Fuck. _He_ did it. This is _his_ fault. _He_ gave Karin the perfect fantasy boyfriend that any girl would ask for, and now she’s looking to find the next best thing. In human form. “You can see the similarities, right?”

“Are you going to learn how to play basketball now?” Momo asks, bemused. It almost feels like she’s trying to suppress a giggle at the thought.

“No, that would be stupid,” Toushirou sulks, having already considered it and deemed it useless before their conversation had even begun. _Far_ too much time would have to be expended in order to be _decent_ at the sport. “That’s not even — why would I _need_ to? All I’m saying is that this ‘Yusuke’ is a _lot_ closer in personality to Juushirou than me.”

Ergo, Momo’s theory of projection holds merit.

“What about Karin-san’s first boyfriend?” Momo asks instead, not nearly as convinced as he is, resting her hand under her jaw, staying calm while Toushirou can feel himself become even more panicked as the seconds pass. “What was he like?”

“ _Not_ like Juushirou,” Toushirou says, a tad smug, before dissolving into an anguished lament, flipping into the opposite end of the emotional spectrum. “But _not_ like me either.”

He supposes, if he had to compare himself and his brother, Daiki would fall more in line with him, but still… it’s not a thought that makes him feel better.

Toushirou isn’t particularly ‘flashy’ either. At the time, he meant ‘flashy’ as someone who stood out and could make an impact. When he thinks about the description some more, he realizes that it could also apply to Juushirou, in spades.

Juushirou was _excessively_ flashy, though. He captivated _everyone’s_ attention, good or bad. Juushirou _had_ to be the centre of attention, refusing to be ignored, whereas Karin drew Toushirou’s attention without even trying.

 _That’s the difference_ , Toushirou reassures himself, pettily making himself feel better, before he remembers that brief stint of accessorizing with that bandana. Matsumoto _still_ delighted in reminding him about it every so often, even though it had been _years_ since he had last worn it, calling it ‘an iconic fashion statement that must never _ever_ be forgotten’.

“That doesn’t mean that Karin-san’s projecting, necessarily,” Momo rebuffs in a gentle tone, bringing him out of his reverie. “Perhaps Karin-san has a type. Or perhaps she’s just… testing the waters. Experimenting what she likes and doesn’t like. Have you considered that?”

“I am not waiting for boyfriend number _three_ to find out,” Toushirou growls, suddenly in a much fouler mood.

“I can’t believe I ever thought this could be platonic,” Momo mumbles, looking up at the ceiling for a good few seconds, and then looks back down to Toushirou, with an expectant glance. “So, what now?”

“Obviously, I have to change Karin’s mind,” Toushirou begins, hands on his hips, plan percolating.

“Obviously,” Momo agrees, encouraging him with a nod.

“Convince her that I’m the one she wants,” Toushirou continues, and the solution is so _simple_ he can’t believe he didn’t think of it sooner.

“Good!”

“I shall do it,” Toushirou declares boldly, snapping his fingers, “as _Juushirou_.”

“Um,” Momo says, quietly, her mouth falling open, her eyes as wide as saucers. Dumbfounded, she _stares_ at him, trying but failing to find words, for some reason. “Could… could you repeat the last part, Shirou-chan? I must have misheard; I could have sworn I heard you say —”

“I did,” Toushirou confirms, triumphantly, his mind made up. He’s _finally_ come up with a _good_ idea. “If Karin doesn’t want to date _me_ , Toushirou, then all I have to do is _be_ the person that Karin wants to date, which is me, _Juushirou.”_

Momo buries her face in her hands.

“You cannot be serious,” Momo moans, voice muffled. “I did _not_ just hear that. I _refuse_ to believe that I heard that.”

“It makes perfect sense!” Toushirou insists, resolute. “ _And_ , Momo, it’s a _win-win_ _situation_!”

How does she not see that?

Momo _looks_ at him, deeply concerned.

“ _No_ , Shirou-chan, it _does not make perfect sense!”_ Momo _shrieks_ , slamming her palms on her desk, and he blinks, not expecting that reaction. He takes a step back as she stands up, vexation clearly written over her face. “Not to mention that it is _incredibly_ presumptive of you! And! _And!_ Have you forgotten that _you don’t even like_ being Juushirou-kun!”

He scowls.

“You’re going to have to explain how you consider that a _win_ , _”_ Momo shrilly asks, gazing at him with wild eyes and despite everything, a look of concern. “I don’t understand, Shirou-chan.”

It’s strange how calm Toushirou feels all of a sudden. But maybe that’s what happens when facing the truth, after having spent such a long time denying it. All the emotions are stripped away, and the acceptance makes him feel clear headed.

He feels pure, enlightened, utterly consumed by clarity.

“It’s simple, Momo. Karin wants to be with _Juushirou_ ,” Toushirou states, recalling the yearning in Karin’s expression when she talked about his ‘brother’ and wishes he didn’t feel such anguish at the memory. But he steels his resolve when he reminds himself why he’s doing this. He has proof now that he will never be enough. But he will if he’s Juushirou. And the truth is, he doesn’t _mind_ devoting himself to a cause like this. He’s done it before. He’ll do it again. “So if I become Juushirou, Karin can date him, and I can be with her. Because I am Juushirou. See? This way we both get what we want.”

“Captain Hirako gives me far less headaches than you do right now,” Momo states, in complete wonder. She looks at him, utterly baffled, like he’s lost his mind. “How does that even _happen?”_

He doesn’t feel the need to respond to that.

“Answer me this, Shirou-chan,” Momo demands, inhaling in an attempt to regain control and changes tactic, pressing her lips into a thin line. “How do you know that Karin-san still likes Juushirou-kun _if_ she’s willing to date other people? Wouldn’t that suggest that she’s moved on?”

Unluckily for Momo, Toushirou knows the answer already. He’s read about it countless times from the books she gave him.

“No, that’s ridiculous,” Toushirou says, dismissive. “It’s part of Karin’s ploy. I finally figured it out. She doesn’t want to make _me_ jealous; she wants to make _Juushirou_ jealous!”

“This is insane,” Momo mutters. She tries again, her eyes pleading with his. “Do you even realize how _insane_ this sounds? How _you_ sound?”

“Momo —“

“You are _not_ Juushirou-kun, Shirou-chan! Juushirou-kun is a person we _made up!_ He isn’t _real!”_ Momo proclaims passionately, chest heaving, trying so hard to get through to him, and her words, for whatever reason, just fall away and don’t make _sense_. “If you do this — Shirou-chan, if you do this, I will not help you.”

“Momo,” Toushirou tries again.

“No, I won’t do it. I _refuse_ ,” Momo interrupts, lifting one hand, stopping him. “I don’t want any part of this. You _cannot_ talk to me about Juushirou-kun _unless_ you want help on how to _end it._ And honestly, I would prefer you to not talk to me until it’s over. _However long that takes.”_

“I understand,” Toushirou says.

“ _Shirou-chan!_ ” Momo says, sharply, her anger flaring back in full force. “You said that Juushirou wasn’t going to happen again!”

“Things change!” Toushirou retorts, clenching his jaw. “ _I’ve_ changed!”

He made a mistake with Juushirou last time. This time it won’t be.

“I see,” Momo says, visibly disappointed and restraining herself. “You’re on your own then; if you think you can deliberately mislead Karin-san into believing you’re someone you’re not forever.”

“Fine.”

“Karin-san is one of your best friends, Shirou-chan,” Momo reminds him, trying to appealing to better nature. “She has _no idea_ that Juushirou-kun doesn’t exist, and if — no, _when_ she finds out — because she _will,_ baby brother, this is going to end badly, and both of you are going to get hurt.”

“I’ll be careful,” Toushirou promises. “There’s not going to be a ‘when’, Momo.”

Her facial response is one akin to heartbreak.

“I have to get back to work now, Shirou-chan,” Momo says instead, sounding wooden, masking her frustration. She sighs. “It’s been… well, it’s been quite a talk.”

“Wait,” Toushirou says, winded because it wasn’t supposed to go like this. Yes, Momo lost her temper and voiced her criticisms, but she was supposed to… they were co-conspirators. It was them against Soul Society. “Momo.”

“The door is right there,” Momo points, quietly but firmly. “Matsumoto-san must be wondering why you aren’t looking for her.”

“I’m sorry,” Toushirou says, sincerely. He didn’t mean for things end up like they have. “I’ll… I’ll talk to you soon. Bye, Momo.”

“Shirou-chan,” Momo says, softly, reaching out one last time before he leaves her office. “It’s not too late to change your mind. You don’t have to do this.”

He wishes that he could believe her.

“It’s a nice thought,” Toushirou allows, smiling sadly for a moment, before taking a deep breath and exits. Later, when he thinks back to this moment, he will wish that he had listened, that he hadn’t set his mind to achieving such an impossible task, if only he wasn’t so stubborn.

The door shuts behind him, and Toushirou stands still, trying to reconcile what happened with the flurry of conflicting emotions he now feels.

 _What is he going to do now?_ Toushirou wonders, passing a hand over his face, feeling off balance and dizzy with loss, unable to collect himself just yet. _Can he really do this alone?_

At that moment, luck intervenes, or something close to it, as Toushirou becomes aware of someone watching him with interest.

A Captain who is already aware of the situation he’s in.


	10. Loquacious Lemon

Toushirou takes a moment to compose himself.

He pushes all the air from his lungs, straightens his shoulders and draws himself to his fullest height. Setting aside the turbulent emotions he feels, Toushirou looks at the Captain, expressionless.

“What do you want?”

“Me, _Captain_ _Hitsugaya?_ ” Hirako affects surprise, his jaw dropping with a mocking gasp, and Toushirou resists the urge to roll his eyes at the needless theatrics.

How _does_ Momo put up with him?

“Why, nothing, of course,” Hirako’s palms gesture at the space around them, and how could Toushirou forget that he’s standing just outside the Fifth Division’s main office?

 _Yeah, right,_ Toushirou thinks, mouth dipping into a frown.

“You, however,” Hirako continues, almost sharklike with glee as he observes him, and Toushirou almost feels as if he’s being circled, like a hunter trapping his prey, even though Hirako continues to stand right in front of him, armed with nothing but an infuriating grin. “Are quite a different story. Isn’t that right, _Captain_ _Hitsugaya?_ ”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Toushirou staunchly says, preferring to play obtuse.

“Nice try,” Hirako’s smirk only widens, finding his denial amusing, if futile. “But like I said before, these walls —”

“— are thinner than you think,” Toushirou recalls, stomach sinking as Hirako nods approvingly, pleased that he remembers. “Great.”

“Luckily for you, I don’t think most people are listening,” Hirako says, something positively fiendish gleaming in his eyes. “Still. What do you say to continuing this conversation elsewhere?”

 

 

“That’s quite a predicament you’ve got yourself into,” Hirako remarks, after Toushirou catches him up and tells him the full story of how his unfortunate disaster of a lie continued to escalate, no matter how much he had tried to escape it. “Do you regret not taking my advice now?”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Toushirou snarks, narrowing his eyes.

“Might have saved you from the trouble you’re in now, though,” Hirako breezily points out, running his hand through his hair. “But this is _much_ more fun, don’t you think, _Captain Hitsugaya?_ ”

Toushirou folds his arms across his chest, bristling.

“Anyway,” Hirako peers at him, considering him for a moment. “Now you need a partner in crime.”

“Are you offering?” Toushirou mutters, glancing aside.

“Depends,” Hirako beams, his teeth a row of unmarked graves that stretch on for miles, and all of them signify Toushirou’s inevitable end. “Do you _want_ my help?”

He hesitates.

“… yes.”

“Really?” Hirako raises an eyebrow, fully relishing Toushirou’s discomfort. “After every _nasty_ thing you’ve said about me?”

“I’ve come to see the errors of my ways,” Toushirou lies through his teeth, heavy on the sarcasm.

“Clearly,” Hirako smirks, not believing him for a second.

Toushirou’s desperate, and they both know it.

“Tell me the real reason why you’re doing this,” Hirako says, moving on, much to Toushirou’s surprise.

“Because —” Toushirou stops and starts, fighting through his embarrassment, no matter how it pains him. He musters out, gritting his teeth. “Because you were right.”

“Oh?”

“I _was_ being hopeless, before,” Toushirou admits, echoing Hirako’s words from so long ago. He clenches his hands into fists and digs his nails deep into the meat of his hand. “I refused to see that I was jealous. That the reason I acted the way I had was because I couldn’t handle the fact that Karin liked my alter ego more than… more than me.”

He couldn’t handle the fact that Karin might like _anyone_ more than him.

“Uh huh,” Hirako nods, listening intently. “And?”

“I realized,” Toushirou continues, inhaling and meeting Hirako’s impassive gaze. “Even if I’m not the person that Karin wants, I can _be_ that person. I can be _Juushirou_.”

All he has to do is transform, and voila!

“But,” Toushirou sighs. “I need help with Juushirou’s… personality. I can’t be him on my own. He’s so… different from me, it’s difficult to keep acting that way, but… Karin likes him. So I need to be better at being him, and win Karin’s heart.”

“No wonder my daughter refused to go along with this,” Hirako concludes, understanding, murmuring to himself and Toushirou suppresses a flicker of annoyance, not particularly liking how Hirako habitually called his Vice-Captain that. It always felt to him that it was only a matter of time before… well; Toushirou didn’t want to think about it. Hirako clucks his tongue, studying him. “Alright. So you’re willing to do anything?”

“Yes.”

“Anything at all?”

“Within reason,” Toushirou says, because he’s not a complete idiot.

“My, my,” Hirako’s wicked grin spreads across his face like a rotting disease. “How _interesting._ Yes, _Captain Hitsugaya_ , I think I _shall_ help you on this delightful endeavour. On _one_ condition.”

“What is it?” Toushirou flatly asks, feeling like he should have expected that.

“I want to _meet_ Juushirou-chan,” Hirako croons, practically bubbling with joy. “I’ve heard _so_ much about him, and how can I help you, without first seeing the legendary big brother in action?”

Toushirou sighs.

It was going to happen anyway, he rationalizes. He needs to be comfortable in Juushirou’s form, and he tried his best with Momo, in trying to plot out a farewell scene, before ruining matters by taking things into his own hands. It’s a small price to pay, really.

“Fine,” Toushirou stiffly agrees.

 

 

Waiting for the last petal to fall so he can transform in front of Hirako is one of the most uncomfortable moments in Toushirou’s life.

 

 

Hirako whistles.

“I always thought everyone was overhyping the abs, but _no_ ,” Hirako gawks, ogling him, staring at him appreciatively. “Those abs are _incredible._ ”

“Did you really think _I_ would disappoint?” Juushirou boasts, instantly in showman mode, arms outstretched, chest puffed out. Toushirou is almost insulted that Hirako would even _say_ such a thing, before Juushirou’s narcissism takes over, and he grins audaciously. “Of course not. How could I, when I have such amazing abs?”

Hirako makes a strangling sort of sound.

It takes a second to realize that he is _delighted_ by Juushirou’s response _._

“Holy _shit_ ,” Hirako marvels, clapping his hands, awed. A smile lights up his entire face, borderline manic as Hirako stares at him in wonder.  “It’s like you’re a completely different person!”

“Aren’t I?” Juushirou agrees cheerfully, smiling as if he finds Hirako’s reactions _cute._ “I am better than my baby brother could ever hope to be.”

“Debatable,” Hirako muses, absently, chin in his hands, contemplating. “But certainly, you have… flair.”

“I sure do,” Juushirou nods, pleased, and then winks at him. “And so do you. Yours a thing of beauty.”

“Fuck, I think I’m in love.”

“It’s only natural, friend,” Juushirou says out loud, and Toushirou resists wanting to break away from the performance. How long does he have to keep this up? Hasn’t it gone on long enough? He hates every minute of it, but pushes himself to continue. “I won’t lie, we _could_ be incredible, you and I, but sadly, my heart belongs to the unending sky.”

“It’s like looking in a mirror,” Hirako swoons, sighing blissfully. “How _wonderful_.”

“Excuse me?” Toushirou snaps, balking at the thought and completely breaks character because of it.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Hirako grins, giddily with glee. “He’s just like _me!_ ”

“ _No_ ,” Toushirou rejects the insane notion with every fibre of his being, hands on his hips. “He’s _not.”_

He’d have been aware of the similarities between Hirako and Juushirou, right?

Just like he’d been aware of his growing feelings for Karin…?

Oh, _crud._

“That… wasn’t my intention,” Toushirou states slowly, blood draining from his face as he realizes that Hirako had a point, and the similarities became more apparent the longer he thinks about it.

Juushirou was meant to be the opposite of Toushirou.

While Toushirou is certain that Hirako isn’t his _exact_ opposite, he’s… close enough.

“Are you sure?” Hirako says, smugly, crowing. He gestures at all of Juushirou. Then he gestures at himself. “Juushirou is so… so bold and confident and in-your-face! Like me!”

“And that’s a good thing?” Toushirou deadpans.

“Duh! They’re my _best_ qualities!” Hirako grins obnoxiously at him. Toushirou quietly wonders how Hirako can give a statement like that and not feel second-hand embarrassment. There’s such conviction in his words, and Toushirou doesn’t understand _how._ Hirako peers at him, putting his ego on hold as he considers Toushirou with a thoughtful glance. “Isn’t that why I’m perfect for the job?”

“Yes,” Toushirou says dryly. “Perfect.”

“You don’t sound too convinced,” Hirako says, leaning in close for a moment, much to Toushirou’s discomfort, before drawing back and flapping his arms into the air, his mood changing whimsically. “But that’s okay! Gratitude comes later, _Captain Hitsugaya_. For now you have the good fortune of being taught how to act like me!”

Toushirou wonders, belatedly, if it’s too late to back out.

“In moments of great peril,” Hirako continues, practically ecstatic, “you can ask yourself, _what would my best bud Hirako Shinji do?”_

That is not a question Toushirou has ever, nor will ever, _want_ to ask himself.

“You can use me as the source of your inspiration!” Hirako snaps his fingers in rapid succession, enthralled by the notion, continuing with a dramatic flourish with occasional pointing fingers. “I wasn’t going to tell you this, but I honestly think that you being your fake older brother is the best thing that has ever happened to you.”

Toushirou is genuinely speechless.

He tries to speak and just… words _fail_ him.

“Come to think of it,” Hirako mulls, suddenly gasping; eyes wide with some sort of epiphany, and in slow dawning horror, it feels likes Toushirou is watching Hirako _glow._ “Didn’t Captain Kuchiki say that Juushirou is his best friend?”

“Yes, he did,” Toushirou confirms, sardonic, before he pauses. _Kuchiki_. He could have gone to Kuchiki for help.

 _Shit._ He knew he’d forgotten someone. But Hirako had swooped in just as Momo had bowed out, while Toushirou was still reeling, and then… well.

Here he was. With Hirako, as his advisor.

He tries to think of Kuchiki Byakuya, the fourth member of the Secretly Duplicitous Hitsugaya Juushirou Is Totally An Actual Person He’s Not Just Hiding Club, official title pending, as an _active_ member and… he just _can’t_ do it.

Kuchiki is about as inspiring as a block of wood in this situation, tragically.

Hirako, loath as he is to admit it, is much better alternative.

“So he knows,” Hirako smirks, amazed, as if it’s only just occurred to him that Kuchiki has known the truth from the start. “How _outrageous_.”

“Who’d have thought it, right?” Toushirou snarks, and suddenly an idea strikes in his mind, too good not to use it this very instant. He changes tack, deliberately conspiratorial. “Actually, Hirako, the truth is, _Byakuya_ once confided in me that he longs for your friendship, but has never had the courage to tell you.”

“He _does?”_ Hirako asks in a whisper, as if he’s in a dreamlike trance.

“He _does,_ ” Toushirou bullshits, absolutely shameless. He knows that in the future he will have to get used to Hirako’s personality since they’ll be working together, but at the moment, he’s worn out his patience and wants to get rid of him as quickly as possible. “You should tell him that you know the truth now. That you’re the best friend that he’s been looking for — _no_ , that you are the best friend that he _needed_ all along. He doesn’t have to pretend with some cheap knock off imaginary big brother anymore. He doesn’t have to lie about being friends with Hitsugaya Juushirou, when he can be best friends with _you!_ ”

Maybe he’s laying it on a bit thick, but. Whatever.

“Best friends,” Hirako echoes, like a child being offered his favourite candy, and all he needs is a little push to accept it. “With me?”

“Trust me,” Toushirou lies, not feeling even a little bit terrible at shoving Hirako onto someone else. “Don’t forget to tell him that he doesn’t have to hide from the truth anymore. Remember to tell him that. In fact, you should tell him that now. Right now.”

“I will,” Hirako swears, as if he’s found a new mission in life, and vanishes in an instant.

“I can’t believe that _worked_ ,” Toushirou exhales; breathing out a sigh of a relief, head downcast. Maybe he should give his abs more credit.

Ahem.

Some things, Toushirou figures, transforming back into his regular self, and grimaces as he can feel a headache coming on, are worth throwing people under the proverbial bus.

 

 

Kuchiki Byakuya converses in a language of silent expression that few can understand.

However, in this _particular_ occasion, Toushirou doesn’t need to look at Kuchiki to translate how displeased the stoic Captain is with him.

He can _feel_ it.

The emotion exudes from the Sixth Division Captain all throughout the Captain’s meeting that occurs three days after he… _encouraged_ Hirako to pursue a friendship with him. And Hirako is nothing, if not persistent.

All the same, Toushirou doesn’t have the heart to truly regret his decision, having gotten three days of peace and quiet. Even so, Toushirou considers it in his best interest to avert his gaze from the steel iciness of displeasure from Kuchiki whenever their eyes cross paths.

Then again, their eyes don’t _need_ to cross paths.

Kuchiki Byakuya’s glower is a force to be reckoned with and it is _extremely_ distracting.

 

 

(Toushirou considers trying to write some haiku of his own as an apology. Kuchiki seemed to approve of Momo’s — that is, to say, _Juushirou’s_ poetic mind. It might put Toushirou in Kuchiki’s good graces again.

After some pitiful and truly laughable attempts at poetry, Toushirou gives up, and resigns himself to something he knows he’s been avoiding for a while now: Hirako’s attention.)

 

 

_What would Hirako Shinji do?_

It _haunts_ Toushirou late at night to even _think_ of those words.

 

 

It would be nice to say that sleeping badly was the worst of his problems. It isn’t.

“Now, now, _Captain Hitsugaya_ ,” Hirako tuts, mock disappointed when Toushirou, in no uncertain terms, tells him to go away. “I thought you enjoyed our little talks.”

“I _do_ ,” Toushirou grits his teeth, focusing intently on his pen, as if considering whether he should use it to stab Hirako or not. “ _Outside_ of work hours.”

Now that Toushirou has Hirako’s attention on… on Project Juushirou — and he really needs to think up a better name than _that_ — Kuchiki is being left alone.

As a token of thanks, Kuchiki has stopped glaring in his direction, and their conversations, fleeting as they may be, no longer have the atmosphere of seething disappointment, which Toushirou tried very hard to ignore, while Hirako in vain tried to attain Kuchiki’s friendship.

“Tch,” Hirako waves his hand, flippantly. “If you insist, _Captain Hitsugaya._ But didn’t you say that time is of the essence?”

“ _Still,_ ” Toushirou shifts in his seat, uncomfortable, as _Yusuke_ comes to mind, and he does his best to suppress that pang of annoyance. He puts his pen down. “I’m busy right now.”

“Tick tock, tick tock,” Hirako sing-songs, baring his teeth in a stretched out smirk, and revels in Toushirou’s unease. “Well, if _that’s_ how you feel about it — oh, _hello_ , Momo, Ran-chan.”

“Captain,” Momo and Matsumoto chime in unison.

Toushirou notices Momo’s ironclad grip on Matsumoto’s arm.

“Perhaps we should trade?” Momo says to Toushirou, regarding him with a professional disposition, as if their last conversation hadn’t happened. Then, since her old habits are difficult to break: “What do you say, Shirou-chan?”

It comforts him more than he thought it would, to see her look at him with a warm gaze.

“Maybe, we should,” Toushirou says, nodding, and then continues, feeling slightly mischievous. “How about it, Hinamori, would you like to be my Vice-Captain?”

“Captain!” Matsumoto objects.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea, Shirou-chan,” Momo politely declines, shaking her head, her facial features straining to keep things cordial between them, and Toushirou regrets being glib in a moment of thoughtlessness. She turns her attention to Hirako, with an affectionate glance. “I happen to like my Captain, when he’s not… um, dilly dallying.”

“ _Dilly dallying?_ That’s what we’re calling it now?” Hirako turns to Momo, unreadable for a moment, before he quirks a grin, oddly pleased. “I like it!”

“What are you two conspiring?” Matsumoto asks slyly, armed with a lazy grin, completely relaxed in Momo’s hold. “You’re not going to hold out on me, are you?”

“Haven’t you heard, Ran-chan?” Hirako chirps, that traitor, sharing a meaningful glance with a less-than-pleased Momo. Momo, who most _definitely_ knows about their new partnership, Toushirou realizes with a jolt, as Hirako then flashes a smile at Matsumoto and waggles his eyebrows. “ _Captain Hitsugaya_ has got…”

“ _Captain_ ,” Momo says, a warning tone, quiet but firm.

Toushirou inhales sharply.

Even if Momo refused to participate in this ‘insanity’, as she called it, Toushirou _aches_ at the knowledge that she’s still looking out for him, trying to protect their secret as best she can.

“ _Girl problems_ ,” Hirako finishes, proudly declaring, undeterred by both Momo and Toushirou’s apprehensiveness about his arbitrary nature. Hirako is many things, but always a wild card.

That’s… _half_ the truth, Toushirou acquiesces, still holding his breath because he has a pretty good idea of how Matsumoto is going to react.

“Oh?” Matsumoto leers, turning her attention fully onto Toushirou, eyes sparkling. She is never going to let him live this down. “Finally able to accept it, eh?”

“ _Quiet_ ,” Toushirou hisses, blood scorching through his cheeks. Stupid Hirako and his stupid mouth and his stupid nearly-giving-him-a-heart-attack. He clears his throat, trying to regain _some_ semblance of authority. “Hinamori, Hirako — you can leave _anytime.”_

“Sure thing, _Captain Hitsugaya_ , Ran-chan,” Hirako chirps, saluting him before leaving, while Momo nods at them both and mouths an apology before she follows her Captain, closing the door behind her.

Toushirou frowns at them, long after their footsteps have faded. Even though Hirako has abided by his insistence to be called Captain Hitsugaya, it always feels like he’s been mocked.

Matsumoto observes him, silent.

“ _Shin-chan_ , Captain _?_ You went to _Shin-chan_ for advice instead of _me?_ ” Matsumoto says, making a show of her incredulousness. Her eyelashes fluttering is a particularly nice touch.

“Matsumoto,” Toushirou says, not in the mood.

“Okay, it’s actually really cute,” Matsumoto admits, laughing as she gives up her ruse. “I think it’s great you went to Shin-chan for advice, but don’t forget that I’m here for you too, Captain.”

“Thanks, Matsumoto,” Toushirou dryly says. He won’t.

“Girl troubles, huh?” Matsumoto murmurs, hand under her chin, and she grins. “I take this is about Karin-chan?”

“Yeah,” Toushirou confirms, because who else could it be?

“Karin-chan has no idea,” Matsumoto continues, enjoying playing detective. “Does she?”

“That I… no. No,” Toushirou shakes his head, sighing. His nails dig into his skin. “And it will remain that way.”

“Oh, Captain,” Matsumoto says with dismay, before perking up. “I’m sure I can be of _some_ use, hmm?”

“No,” Toushirou refuses, not hesitating for a second. “Definitely not.”

“Ugh, _fine._ Have it your way,” Matsumoto rolls her eyes at him, making one last remark before letting the subject go. “You two would be _such_ a _cute_ couple.”

“It wouldn’t work,” Toushirou mumbles, quashing down the hope that blooms in his heart. He hates how it always seems to stir when someone mentions the slightest possibility of a chance, even when he knows better. “Besides, Karin likes someone else now. Someone who _isn’t_ a _shinigami._ ”

He tries to convince himself that that’s a good thing. That that’s how it _should_ be.

Lately, Toushirou’s been having second thoughts. Wondering if it’s better for Karin to date someone she knows from school, someone who she can talk to on a day to day basis instead of…

Instead of Juushirou.

(Instead of him.)

Ever since his argument with Momo, ever since he agreed to let Hirako help him, Toushirou has been asking himself what was going to happen next? Say Karin agreed to date Juushirou, realistically speaking… how long could it last?

After all, they live on two separate realms that only sometimes cross.

And it’s _fine_ , Toushirou thinks, when it comes to friendship. After all, Kuchiki and Kurosaki’s friendship remained as strong as ever, which extended to their tight circle of friends. If it’s anything like his and Karin’s friendship, then they stay in contact and text each other if they can’t meet up. There are times when they have to reschedule and cancel plans because work gets too hectic, or Karin has to cram for a test, or whatever problem that arises in her school life. But they find a way to spend together, even if it’s not as easy as it used to be, and their reasons to being unavailable are understandable. They make the effort to stay in touch, and sometimes it’s hard, but sometimes it’s the easiest thing in the world.

But if they were _dating?_

Surely the long distance and missed meetings and absences would put a strain on things, eventually? Would Juushirou’s fickleness and flighty nature eventually turn Karin away? And how could Toushirou keep up with the double life, pretending to be someone he’s not for that long?

It’s daunting to think about, and Toushirou trembles at the thought that even if he _did_ attain what he wanted, via Juushirou, would it be worth it, if it was could potentially slip away so easily?

“For _now_ ,” Matsumoto comments, oblivious to his concern. Toushirou blinks, trying to pay attention, and shake himself from the unending spiral of depressing thoughts. Matsumoto makes herself comfortable on the sofa, placing her hands behind her head. “What’s the rush, Captain? She’ll come around, be one of us eventually.”

_Oh._

“Yes,” Toushirou agrees, absentmindedly, “I suppose so.”

Even if Karin _did_ become a _shinigami_ , there was no guarantee that she _would_ fall in love with him.

“I wouldn’t worry, Captain,” Matsumoto continues, lazily, stretching out her legs, “Shin-chan knows how to play the long game. But if you ever want me to… nudge things in your favour, all you have to do is say the word.”

To cap it all off, Matsumoto has the audacity to _wink_ at him.

 

 

“I’m…”

“Yes?”

“I’m… a _cool_ guy,” Toushirou cringes. Tries again. “A real _cool_ guy.”

“That was terrible,” Hirako says flatly, hand covering his face. _“Again._ ”

Despite his second thoughts, Toushirou spends a lot of his free time with Hirako. The headaches have lessened as Toushirou accustoms himself to Hirako’s abrasiveness, but he wakes up feeling more tired than ever, afterwards.

“I’m… the _coolest._ ”

If Toushirou wants to be smooth, he has a long way to go.

“Stop,” Hirako says, flatly. The starry eyed adoration has long since passed. Now every time they meet and Toushirou does his best to improve being Juushirou, Hirako always has something to criticize. “You _have_ to stop looking so uncomfortable, Juushirou!”

Toushirou scowls. He can’t help it.

 _“Juushirou,”_ Hirako tuts, and Toushirou stops scowling.

It’s one of Hirako’s rules. In order to become Juushirou, he must avoid using any ‘Toushirou-isms’. It’s smart in theory but difficult in practice and Toushirou wonders if one of the reasons he keeps on making mistakes is because Hirako _knows_ that Juushirou is Toushirou in disguise.

Things were easier when Momo was his co-conspirator.

“Better?” Toushirou says, forcing out a smile.

“Eh,” Hirako shrugs, and Toushirou drops his grin in an instant, and reassembles his expression into something a little more neutral looking. Hirako peers at him, confused. “How that girl hasn’t cottoned onto you yet is a mystery. Like, sure, jeez, you’re _hot._ But that can only blind a person so far, you know?”

“Shut up,” Toushirou mutters, flushing. He’s always left feeling awkward whenever Hirako makes remarks like that, about Karin, about his future self’s appearance.

It baffles him that he’s being seen as _attractive_ in that form. Instead of feeling flattered, he feels uncomfortable instead. He wants to shy away whenever he hears how attractive he is, bemused by their opinion, and Toushirou resents what he’s going to look like in the future.

He just. He didn’t think he was going to end up looking like _this_ , is all.

“Then again,” Hirako muses, tilting his head, raking his eyes all over Juushirou’s form, and the clinical aspect is almost as bad. “You are _very_ pretty and _she_ is only fifteen. How could she ever stand a chance?”

Toushirou especially hates _those_ remarks.

“Shut up,” Toushirou says, louder, trying to ignore his heart beating erratically, accompanied by all sorts of conflicts. “I’m trying to improve and I really don’t appreciate your commentary.”

“Patience, _Captain Hitsugaya_ ,” Hirako says, sagely, knitting his brow in thought. His expression shifts into something strangely sympathetic. “You will, it just takes… time.”

Time is running out.

As much as Toushirou would like to give into his doubts and give up, let Karin have boyfriend number _three_ , he… he _can’t_. Not if there’s a chance that Karin wants to be with Juushirou.

Toushirou _wants_ Karin so badly that he’s willing to be Juushirou for her.

No matter what kind of paradoxical anguish it causes.

“How do you do it?” Toushirou demands, growing aggravated by his own shortcomings. It feels like he’s getting nowhere with Hirako’s help. “How do you not feel… _ashamed of yourself?”_

“Ashamed?” Hirako raises an eyebrow, distinctly unimpressed. “What am I supposed to be ashamed about, you little twerp?”

“The puns!” Toushirou shrieks, flushing hotly in humiliation. “All the other ridiculous things you’ve been telling me to say!”

“Aw, c’mon now, _Captain Hitsugaya_. It’s cute,” Hirako drawls, his grin bordering on lewd. “Ain’t nothing to be ashamed about.”

 _“_ I don’t like puns,” Toushirou states.

“You don’t,” Hirako agrees, easily, “but Juushirou does. And more importantly, _Karin_ likes those puns. Remember?”

“… fine,” Toushirou huffs out.

“Alright then,” Hirako rubs his hands together. “Let’s go again, _Juushirou_ , and this time, _be confident!”_

 

 

“ _He’s_ cool, sure,” Toushirou repeats, mockingly, to his future self’s in the mirror, one last time before he goes to sleep. “But _I’m_ cooler.”

He wants to scream.

 _Why_ did he have say that?

 

 

He wakes up with a start, a memory, an epiphany surging through him.

 _When I first met you I thought you were cool, but him?_  Karin had said to Toushirou, the first time she had met Juushirou, and was left stunned and starry eyed. _He’s even cooler than that! He’s the coolest!_

 _Rats,_ Toushirou groans, turning over and trying to fall back into sleep. But now he can’t stop thinking about it, obsessing over a detail that he must have subconsciously echoed.

Why did _Karin_ say it?

 

 

“How are things going between you and Yusuke?” Toushirou asks Karin, as they rummage the cupboards in the kitchen for snack food.

He’s been cooped up in Soul Society for far too long, minding buzzing with paperwork and love lessons. Karin texted, wanting to hang out with him and Toushirou accepts, missing her company and wanting to unwind.

(And if he could keep his jealousy out of it, well, that would make his visit even better.)

“Still in the flirtation stages,” Karin grins mischievously, hand curved against the slope of her shoulder. “I keep chickening out whenever I see him. But, y’know, it’s weird. I kind of _like_ that’s nothing happening? We’re both flirting like crazy, but neither of us has made the first move, and we’re just… watching each other to see who gives in first. I mean, it’s driving me up the wall too, but… I am _not_ going lose to him.”

“Huh,” Toushirou says, noncommittal. He never thought courting could work like that, but, well. Different realm, different rules. Sometimes he forgets how weird humanity can be. “You’re the most competitive person I’ve met, so I’d say you’re the clear winner.”

“Thanks,” Karin grins at him, before looking down and asking quietly. “Um. How about you and Rukia? Are things… okay?”

“Could be better,” Toushirou says, after a pause. He’s been so busy with Hirako, that he’d actually forgotten that Karin believed that he had a crush on Kuchiki. “I believe I’m… improving.”

“From what? A cold?” Karin quirks an eyebrow, unable to resist snarking at him. Her expression changes and worry affects her features. “I know that Rukia’s awesome, but you _have_ to get over her, Toushirou. I don’t want you to… be cursed with that one and only love thing you talked about.”

“It’s just a crush,” Toushirou insists, his blush darkening his cheeks as Karin gazes at him intently. He clears his throat, flustered. “Karin, souls aren’t — _I’m_ not _cursed_ with love. It’s not like that, okay? We can only fall in love once, but… we can still have crushes on people.”

“Right. Okay,” Karin says, pausing. “You just don’t… date them unless it’s a sure thing.”

“Not quite,” Toushirou stumbles, because he’s never really paid much attention to the romantic norms in Soul Society. Dating is a fairly _new_ concept in Soul Society. Most souls go straight to marriage, if he remembers correctly. “Look, I _know_ it could never work out between me and Kuchiki, but that doesn’t stop me from… from having these feelings for her.”

Toushirou kind of regrets choosing Kuchiki as his false object of affection since Karin knows who she is and because she’s a close friend of the Kurosaki family, frequently visiting them with Abarai. Then again, this whole mess is Kuchiki’s fault in the first place, _and_ it’s a relief to know that she’s unavailable to reciprocate fake feelings _anyway_ , so Toushirou doesn’t regret it that much.

“The point is,” Toushirou says, forcing himself to continue, instead of ruminating. “Dating is only for the committed, marriage happens soon after.”

“Oh, so, we’ll probably be given an invitation for Rukia and Renji’s any day then!” Karin says, before wincing. “I’m sorry, Toushirou, I didn’t think. I didn’t mean to —”

“It’s… fine,” Toushirou says, awkwardly, looking away because he can’t face her or he’ll most likely give himself away. He takes a deep breath, like he’s trying to convince himself of the truth of the sentence. “Kuchiki and Abarai are very happy together, and I would never want to ruin that. Her happiness is more important.”

“Yeah, well, your happiness is important too,” Karin says, adamant. “Don’t forget that.”

“I won’t,” Toushirou promises, stomach fluttering with butterflies at Karin touching his shoulder, a comforting squeeze, and he wished he could tell her the truth. “I’ll be alright, Karin. It’ll pass.”

“You sure?” Karin peers at him, narrowing her eyes. “Last time I saw you, you seemed… I don’t know. Not quite yourself. You don’t have a… love illness or something in Soul Society, do you?”

“A love illness?” Toushirou echoes, and Karin flushes, cheeks growing rosy. “Come on. Just because I have a crush on Kuchiki doesn’t mean I’m in love.”

Not like —

“No, I know! I know,” Karin backtracks, pink darkening into red into scarlet, while Toushirou watches her, stupidly endeared at her fumbling. “It’s just. Yuzu reads an awful lot of romance novels, alright? Love at first sight, an instant connection across time and space, even if they never talk to each other much, or only seem to talk about how perfect they are for each other —”

“What are you trying to say?”

“Just that,” Karin shrugs, “Soul Society seems to be very traditionally romantic.”

“As opposed to the living world preferring _modern_ romance,” Toushirou counters, arching his brow. “There’s nothing wrong with the realms having different views on love and courtship, Karin.”

“I know that,” Karin says, instantly. “But… is it always like that? I mean, that a romance that takes place in Soul Society has to be… _traditional_?”

“You’re better off asking Matsumoto than me,” Toushirou says. Even Momo and Hirako would be better sources than he is. “I wouldn’t say it _has_ to be, because a few _shinigami_ do come from Rukongai and had mortal lives, but… on the whole, it probably is.”

“I can’t imagine Ran-chan having a _traditional_ romance,” Karin says. “Doesn’t she date a lot?”

“Unfortunately,” Toushirou snarks, rolling her eyes, though he’s not sure that _dating_ is the right term for it. “My brother too, now that I think about it.”

“I guess you could call Ichi-nii and Orihime’s romance pretty traditional,” Karin concedes, “So, it’s not like there’s only _one_ kind of romance for each realm.”

“Look who’s talking,” Toushirou teases.

“Hey!” Karin retorts, mock offended.

He missed this, Toushirou realizes, as he replies with nothing but a grin.

He always misses her when they’re apart, but it never hits him until they’re together again how much.

“Aha!” Karin opens a cupboard and finagles the popcorn, triumphantly shoving it into the microwave, and then turns back to look at him, concern. “Hey, are you… sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, why?” Toushirou says, quickly.

 _Something_ in his expression must give him away because Karin’s eyes widen, and Toushirou blinks, feeling self-conscious as heat slowly creeps up his neck.

“You seem,” Karin trails off, knitting her brow as she observes him. “I don’t know. A little off today.”

He swallows.

“Maybe just a little,” Toushirou exhales. He’s been drinking more coffee than usual, since he usually wakes up feeling more tired than usual. “I’ve been working with Hirako recently.”

“That explains it,” Karin says, understanding, with an affection glint in her eyes. The popcorn is done, and Karin turns her attention to that, finding a bowl. Afterwards, she offers, “Want me to talk to Hiyori for you? I bet she can make Shinji be… less _Shinji_ about it?”

“I can handle him,” Toushirou dismisses, though he appreciates the thought. “It’s been… _illuminating,_ shall we say.”

“Oh?” Karin looks intrigued. “Now you _have_ to give me details!”

“Believe or not, but Matsumoto,” Toushirou drawls, much to Karin’s evident amusement, as he plays up his grumpiness. “As _irresponsible_ and _lazy_ as she is, is somehow _far_ _more tolerable_ out of the two.”

“Wow,” Karin says, amazed, “and you’re _sure_ that you don’t want me to talk to Hiyori for you?”

“Please, I’m a professional,” Toushirou rolls his eyes, indulging himself. “A real cool guy.”

He regrets saying that the second he says it.

That was a Juushirou-ism. _That was most definitely a_ _Juushirou-ism._

_Fuck._

“Alright, _‘Mister Cool Guy’_ ,” Karin says, before bursting into laughter, and a blush _sears_ through Toushirou’s face, piping hot. “Do you want to pick the movie, or should I?”

It doesn’t matter who picked the movie in the end, because Toushirou falls asleep ten minutes in.

 

 

Afterwards, he tries to see if there was any hint of Karin liking him. It’s stupid and pitiful and desperate and he hates himself for it, but Toushirou can’t help but rummage through his memories and try to focus on every look and every word, hoping for _any_ indication that Karin _might_ feel something for —

Even though he’s _certain_ that she _still_ likes Juushirou, even with her pesky new object of affection currently capturing her attention, he keeps hoping against hope that she _might_ , against all reason, _yearn_ for _—_

No.

To Karin, Toushirou is her friend, her _best_ friend and nothing else.

No matter how much he wishes otherwise.

 

 

“Hey, I think you’ve _finally_ got it!” Hirako compliments him at last, hand over his mouth to hide a smile, but there’s no escaping that pleased expression. “Hey, how come you never say any puns when you’re ‘Captain Hitsugaya’, _Captain Hitsugaya?_ ”

“It doesn’t feel right,” Toushirou tells him, curtly, _instantly_ using all of his willpower to suppress the memory when it _did_ happen. Luckily, it hasn’t happened since — he’s made sure to think before he speaks. “But that doesn’t mean I _won’t_ , Hirako.”

It would be hard to be taken seriously if he said those puns frequently. After all, he does have a reputation to uphold.

But then again, if _Juushirou_ had said _I’m a real cool guy_ , Toushirou wouldn’t have blanched. He’s more or less gotten over _that_ stumbling block, thanks to practicing it constantly. Now the challenge is to _not_ say it, the variations all on the tip of his tongue whenever a situation presents itself.

If Juushirou had been the one to say it, Karin wouldn’t have teased him, she would have looked at him with adoration, too smitten to find his penchant for ice puns anything other than _charming_.

“So you’re not embarrassed by them anymore?” Hirako checks, grinning in triumph as Toushirou nods. Reluctantly. “Why, _Captain_ Hitsugaya _,_  look at you! It seems that your predicament is getting a little less hopeless after all.”

 

 

They say that practice makes perfect, and Toushirou is nothing, if not determined.

Even with the doubts in the back of his head, the conflict that he feels, his jealous desperation to be loved pushes those thoughts down.

Toushirou _knows_ that he can pull it off. He can be the Juushirou that Karin longs for.

If constant exhaustion and an increase in coffee intake is the price to be paid for his commitment, then so be it.


	11. Teal Tempest

 

Momo frets.

They don’t speak to each other much these days: Momo pointedly avoiding him, Toushirou letting her be, abiding by her wishes. But sometimes their paths cross, and he makes the most of those encounters, even if it is nothing but small talk. Momo is noticeably reticent, consciously refraining from saying too much, even if her expression speaks volumes.

Other times, well —

“How are you _really_ doing, Shirou-chan?” Momo asks quietly, watching him intently. Every once in a while, sisterly concern for him breaches the self-imposed distance she’s created, and each time she does, Toushirou can’t help but feel a rush of affection, and a rush of annoyance, at the way she tries to look out for him. “I… I know you haven’t told Captain Hirako about the… consequences.”

 _I know you better than anyone_ is left unsaid, but Toushirou hears it anyway.

“Does Hirako,” Toushirou hesitates, before continuing. “Does Hirako talk to you about it?”

“No,” Momo answers tersely, as if her voice is lined in lead, jaw clenching. “But I’m not _blind_ , Shirou-chan! I recognize the signs. And I doubt that Captain Hirako would be helping you if he knew.”

He closes his eyes, not wanting to see the accusatory _worried_ look on her face.

“Why haven’t you told him?”

“It’s the same reason I haven’t told anyone else about what you’re doing,” Momo says simply, folding her arms over her chest. “You should be the one to do it. Before it’s too late.”

“It’s not going to get _that_ bad,” Toushirou insists, meeting her eyes. “It won’t, Momo.”

“For your sake, I hope not,” Momo says, softly, and Toushirou’s breath catches, words drying up in his throat and he no longer knows what to say in response. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed that you haven’t answered my question, Shirou-chan. How are you doing?”

“Good, Momo,” Toushirou says, a touch exasperated. “I’m _fine,_ thanks for asking.”

“Shirou-chan.”

“… I’m a little tired,” Toushirou admits, pressing his lips together. Karin had let him sleep for the majority of the movie and didn’t tease him a little bit when he woke up, muttering that it looked like he needed the nap. “But it’s nothing a cup of coffee can’t fix.”

“How much coffee?” Momo asks, her tone deceptively light, but Toushirou recognises that he’s been interrogated, and represses the urge to role his eyes. Best to get it over with. “I’ve heard you snap at a few people recently.”

“They were being irritating,” Toushirou insists, feeling irritated at this very moment. He passes his hand over his head, his temple throbbing, and Toushirou forces himself to breath out, be still. “Trust me.”

“I’m not so sure,” Momo says, still in that irritatingly measured tone that makes Toushirou grit his teeth. “I know what you’re like when you’ve had too much coffee.”

“So do I,” Toushirou snaps, not in the mood to humour her any longer. “Momo, they were in my way. I _had_ to shout at them.”

“Right,” Momo says slowly, full of disbelief, pressing her lips into a thin line. “And how have the crashes been?”

“You’ve crashed before. You know what they’re like,” Toushirou retorts, defensive. Even if he _wasn’t_ drinking coffee to compensate for the exhaustion he feels after transforming into Juushirou, caffeine crashes have never been anything but hellish suffering. Besides, he can increase his coffee intake for a little while if he wants to. He can stop any time he likes. “It’s nothing a few naps can’t fix.”

“ _Have_ you been sleeping?” Momo asks archly. “With the amount of coffee you’ve been drinking, it seems… unlikely.”

“ _Yes_ , for your information, _I have been_ ,” Toushirou says, smartly. It’s _intermittent_ , sure, but Momo doesn’t need to know that. He dozes. He naps. He crashes. It adds up. “I have been sleeping _just fine.”_

“No headaches?” Momo inquires, folding her arms over her chest, scrutinizing him. “No other aches and pain?”

“ _None_ ,” Toushirou informs her, not batting an eye.

“Liar,” Momo shoots back. “You’ve been spending a _lot_ of time with Captain Hirako lately. I’m going to guess that it’s not in this form, Shirou-chan. That kind of thing takes a toll on you, and it’s going to keep on building, if you let it.”

“I’ve got it under control,” Toushirou says, an edge to his voice.

“No you don’t,” Momo says, sighing, heavy with dismay.

“Yes I do,” Toushirou maintains, taking a deep breath, trying not to lose his temper. There’s a decent change they might argue in circles, and that is the last thing that he wants. “This isn’t going to be like last time, Momo.”

He’s not about to make the same mistake twice.

Toushirou _learns_ from his mistakes, gets stronger because of it. He’s much more prepared, this time around.

“You scared me, back then,” Momo says, voice shaking slightly, and she blinks rapidly. “If I hadn’t been there —”

“I know,” Toushirou says, chest tight. There’s a lump in his throat that won’t go away. He knows why Momo is so worried, but it’s _not_ going to be a repeat of last time. It won’t get _that_ bad. “Momo, the second it gets too much, I’ll stop.”

Violet eyes dart over his face, desperate to find the truth, and the moment feels like it’s suspended in eternity. It’s like he’s become an open book, and Momo is rifling through the pages, skimming the essence of his soul, until she finds exactly what she’s looking for, for better or for worse.

“Okay,” Momo nods, shoulders relaxing, _finally_ believing him, and Toushirou releases a breath he hadn’t known he was holding. Still, there’s something resigned in her appearance. Momo reaches out and touches his arm. “Promise me that you’ll be careful? You _have_ to look after yourself, Shirou-chan.”

 

 

Momo is not the only one who worries, Toushirou learns soon after.

Apparently, so does _Kuchiki_.

It takes Toushirou by surprise, to say the least. He’s didn’t think Kuchiki would _want_ to keep an eye on him after… after those few days of (deserved) death glares.

Then again, _anyone_ would be taken aback after tripping in a corridor and having the stoic Captain catch him.

It is not, he knows, mortified, the _first_ time that is has happened either.

“Thank you,” Toushirou says stiffly, stepping away after he is certain he can manage it. He leans on the wall for support instead.

Kuchiki quietly observes him, in that carefully detached manner of his.

“What?” Toushirou snaps out, disgruntled.

“You are not well,” Kuchiki remarks, dispassionately. “Is it related to your older brother?”

It’s phrased less of a question and more of an assessment.

Toushirou is silent, debating how best to answer him. As far as he is aware, Kuchiki wants no part of I Have Badly Fucked Up And Now I Have To Continue Pretending My Brother Exists Club… and Toushirou has _got_ to think up a _good club_ _name_ one of these days. The point is, Kuchiki has never indicated that he _wants_ to partake in the sheer lunacy, not including that tiny white lie that one time.

“In a way,” Toushirou admits, hesitating. “My older brother is currently… _consulting_ with Hirako about a particular matter. It’s taking longer than I thought it would.”

“Consulting.”

“Yeah,” Toushirou confirms, muttering, staring at the floor and hoping he could just dissolve into nothingness already. “He’s very eager to help my brother. My brother, on the other hand, is having difficulty with his advice.”

“I see,” Kuchiki says, inclining his head, and considering him. “Last time, your older brother’s appearance had the effect of pushing your body to brink.”

“He certainly does,” Toushirou grimaces, cringing at the memory of where it all began, and willpower was what held him together. “That was because of the battle, though. Transforming doesn’t _automatically_ exhaust me, I’ll have you know. Besides, frequently application increases endurance, and I can currently stand being around my brother longer than I could then! Unfortunately…”

Toushirou looks down at his cramped leg. _Definitely_ a repercussion of training too much.

“It takes a bit of a toll,” Toushirou resumes with a scowl, rubbing his calf, and trying to get through the pain. “Growing and shrinking is tricky business.”

“Is it worth the risk?” Kuchiki asks, after a pause. “Whatever business your brother has with Hirako —”

“Yes, it is,” Toushirou cuts him off, adamant to not let Kuchiki continue that sense. He has heard it a million times. He has asked himself if it’s worth it. And each time, his heart squeezes, painful, and he knows he has no other choice. “If there was another way, Kuchiki, I would take it.”

“Perhaps I may be a suitable alternative to Hirako?” Kuchiki says, arching his brow, daring him to disagree. “Your brother need not attend.”

“How kind of you,” Toushirou says, not meaning to be glib, but it’s very clear that Kuchiki doesn’t understand his dilemma. “I’ll think about it.”

“For now, I suggest that you should prevent Hirako from meeting your brother,” Kuchiki says, apropos of nothing, seemingly satisfied with his response. Toushirou stares at him, and Kuchiki raises his eyebrow. “Recovery is important, and I doubt the path to a quick recuperation is by drinking an excessive amount of caffeine.”

“It keeps me awake,” Toushirou informs him, mumbling, flustering as it occurs to him that Kuchiki had given him good advice. He pushes himself from the wall, the pain in his leg lessened. “But. Thanks anyway. I’ll keep that in mind, Kuchiki.”

“Shall we?” Kuchiki says, blandly, not expecting him to reply. Nevertheless, Toushirou nods, and Kuchiki leads the way.

Perhaps Toushirou is reading too much into it, but at occasionally it almost appears as if Kuchiki is imperceptibly offering his arm, in case the moment arises where his leg cramps again.

 

 

Good advice or not, Toushirou can’t afford to take a break.

Instead he stares at his reflection. Tries to see Juushirou in the mirror. That his complete opposite is staring right back at him.

Toushirou still doesn’t understand why Karin finds Juushirou so alluring.

He sighs, pressing his lips together. He hates that he can’t shake the feeling of not being good enough, each time he tries to overcome it, it clings a little tighter to his heart, and it becomes harder to ignore.

“What are you looking at,” Toushirou mutters, bitter, averting his eyes.

Hirako had suggested that he should try imagining conversations with his older brother. It would help _perfect_ the believability, Hirako had said; help Toushirou distinguish the difference in their diametrically opposed personalities with much greater understanding.

Toushirou can never bring himself to do it, feeling foolish every time he stares at his reflection and _almost_ initiates a conversation, before backing out. He’d basically be talking to himself, right?

They say that talking to yourself is the first sign of madness.

Well, Toushirou is pretty certain that he’s mad already, but he doesn’t want to add any more reasons to believe that he is.

Yes, he overthinks at times, but that’s not the same as imagining theoretical conversations with someone he knows he doesn’t exist. What is the point of talking to himself, while pretending that he is _also someone else in that same conversation?_

It’s all so _stupidly_ _absurd_.

Toushirou exhales, clearing his mind.

Maybe it’s about what Juushirou _represents_ , Toushirou thinks, trying to talk himself into following Hirako’s advice. What does Juushirou represent to him? Not Karin. Himself.

The answer comes easily: Juushirou is his diametric opposite. He’s known that from the start. Juushirou is flighty and shallow and narcissistic, and against all odds — _well-liked and admired without even trying._ That, more than anything, is what incenses Toushirou the most. It took _years_ for Toushirou to gain the respect he deserves, to make peace with having a small circle of friends, but the _second_ Juushirou comes along, he gets _instant_ respect. People flock and fawn over Juushirou, because he’s _handsome_ and _charming_ and _oh-so-attractive._

And so, Toushirou is left feeling even more frustrated and resentful of his future self than he already was. Never mind the disdain he feels for his future appearance, he… he could _be_ Juushirou, if he worked hard enough. It would go against every fibre of his being, but Toushirou _could_ make that personality his own.

He won’t, but pretending to be his complete opposite has been, dare he say it, _enlightening_. Almost liberating.

Juushirou is a character who never thinks before he speaks and has fun by letting himself be dictated by the wind. His movement becomes languid and limber, unless there’s a need to gesture and pose. And there is _always_ a need to gesture and pose, Toushirou knows, as he gains deeper understanding of his infuriating older brother. The oddest thing he finds about Juushirou’s disposition is that he’s so _calm_. Nothing seems to upset him, because everything just feels ridiculous, it’s easier just to go with it, instead of how Toushirou holds his cards close to his chest and lets things build inside of him.

When he returns to being himself, it’s always feels jarring to realize that he’s just… _so_ hot-headed about things, even though he tries to restrain himself and be studious and aloof. He holds himself together by shoving his hands in his pockets or folding his arms across his chest, trying to contain everything that he feels inside. It’s not that he _cares_ about what other people think, not exactly, but he is trying to project an image that somehow gets undermined by his own true personality.

He _knows_ he’s well-liked and well-respected by his division, exactly as he is. It’s just. Juushirou seems to be liked and respected _more._

The duality of it leaves Toushirou feeling off-kilter. Unbalanced. Sometimes it feels like that Toushirou and Juushirou are two separate personalities, and other times it feels that Toushirou is slowly becoming Juushirou.

 _Is_ he losing himself or is he drinking too much coffee that makes him think such illogical thoughts? Toushirou’s not so sure which it is, these days.

There’s been more than a few occasions where he’s let slip a few ‘Juushirou-isms’, a few ice puns here and there, and though nobody _says_ anything, although he _knows_ he’s caught a few raised eyebrows, a few murmurs behind his back. Whenever it happens, Toushirou feels deeply embarrassed, seething at himself for letting the two roles overlap.

It’s odd, that. It’s not simply Juushirou that feels like a role. His _own_ personality is starting to feel like a role as well. And he struggles to distinguish what makes his own personality feel _true_ , as opposed to a caricature of what he makes it out to be.

What would Juushirou think of the situation if he was real person?

What would Juushirou do if he knew that Karin adored him?

Toushirou doesn’t want to think about it. Doesn’t want to waste useless energy hating his brother who doesn’t even _exist_ in the first place. He hates his stupid _fictional_ older brother _so much!_

But Toushirou hates himself more. He hates that he’s winded up in a situation like this even though he tried so hard to prevent it. He hates that it’s basically his life now, and he’s driving himself crazy to maintain it.

The strangest thing is, Toushirou can see Juushirou not even _caring_ if Karin likes him romantically or platonically. Juushirou just wants to be the centre of attention, praised by all, and he does that with ease _anyway_.

 _Lucky you,_ Toushirou thinks, huffing, a wave of self-loathing crashing over him. If only Karin’s eyes didn’t look so _happy_ every time she saw Juushirou…

 _Come on, I know you want Karin to look at you like that,_ the reflection seems to say, a voice that does not sound like his own, spoken from some dark corner of Toushirou’s mind. It’s such a tempting thought, to pretend that it’s really _him_ she’s seeing. _Why don’t you? Just for a little while? What could possibly be the harm?_

 

 

What could _possibly_ be the harm?

What could possibly go _wrong?_

 _Plenty,_ Toushirou knows. It’s the main reason he keeps putting it off, no matter how much Hirako tells him to just _do something already_. He’s afraid of how badly it could backfire if he isn’t careful enough.

And yet, _still_ , the question plagues him. Tinged with longing and temptation. Sometimes it’s Toushirou asking himself the question. Other times, it’s a different voice. One that muses and borders on playfulness and living for the thrill.

_Juushirou._

It’s _Juushirou’s_ voice, Toushirou realizes one day, the answer an epiphany, because of _course_ it is. Juushirou has become a _part_ of him; Juushirou has become _real to Toushirou,_ taking up residence in his mind as Toushirou tries to make sense of him.

And now, he’s warring with himself, torn between guilt and yearning to let Juushirou visit Karin.

He thinks about what Momo said, about how he could mislead Karin into believing that he was someone he’s not forever. To deceive Karin about Juushirou permanently. Almost as if she was implying that he was as bad as —

 _No._ Toushirou _refuses_ to finish that thought. There’s a difference between Toushirou and _Aizen._ Aizen was _evil_ , through and through, pretending to be someone he’s not in order to achieve his goals, and he didn’t care who got killed in the process.

Toushirou is _nothing_ like that.

Toushirou doesn’t want to hurt _anybody._ He’s not going to let Karin get _hurt_. She means far too much for him to let that happen. Yes, he’s being deceptive, he’s aware, he’s letting people believe something that isn’t true, but he didn’t _intend_ it to happen. Every time he tried to say something, he just… became paralysed when it came to almost revealing the truth.

The situation kept on getting worse, whatever Toushirou did next. It will keep on getting worse; whatever he does next, of that, Toushirou is certain.

He’s damned either way. Toushirou can’t ignore how uncomfortable and sketchy Juushirou dating Karin could be, but the desire to have Karin be in love with him is dark, desperate and dangerous. Willing to push boundaries, to know how _far_ he can go —

 _What’s the worst that could happen,_ Juushirou asks, and Toushirou can almost _see_ him, head tilting, in a ridiculous pose, asking him sincerely, _what were the point of Hirako’s lessons, if not for Karin?_

 

 

It’s a beautiful morning in Karakura Town.

The sky is blue, the grass is green, and he sits down, enjoying the view. He takes a deep breath, and relaxes. The gentle breeze is soothing, and his heart beat slows as he loses his thoughts to feelings of peacefulness and tranquillity.

He hears footsteps soon enough, turning towards the sound with a smile on his face.

“Karin-chan!” Juushirou greets, cheerfully, the personification of someone who is calm and comfortable and completely at ease.

Toushirou, meanwhile, is frantically trying not to panic, fighting a blush from flooding his face, his heart pounding at the sight of her and her adoring gaze.

“Hey, Juushirou-kun,” Karin grins, a flash of white teeth, before she sits herself down beside him. She nudges him with her elbow. “Didn’t think I’d see you here.”

“Miss me?” Juushirou teases with a cheeky grin.

Hirako was right, Toushirou thinks, calming down slightly as he gets into the swing of things. Practice was all he needed.

Toushirou doesn’t feel _nearly_ as uncomfortable as he used to when saying cheesy phrases and inflecting his voice to sound much more playful. Hell, He can even _wink_ these days without feeling any embarrassment.

But that doesn’t mean that Toushirou can bring himself to _flirt_ with Karin. Be playful, yes, be over the top, sure, but not… lead her on. Even though he’s been preparing himself for it, Toushirou doesn’t know whether he can _actually_ follow through.

It feels much more daunting, now that it could potentially _happen._

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Karin rolls her eyes, deadpanning, but the delivery is mitigated by the irrepressible grin on her face. It hits Toushirou like a cold bucket of water — that Karin, his snarky but affectionate best friend, who talks to him casually, without airs or pretence, is gradually accustoming to Juushirou, even with her blindingly obvious crush. “Still, I haven’t seen you in a while. You _must_ have been up to _something._ ”

“Nothing good, I assure you,” Juushirou says, attempting mystery, lifting his shoulders and dropping them in a debonair fashion. He lets the moment linger, knowing that he has Karin’s rapt attention, before he grins impishly, and confesses. “I went to the beach mostly, sipping martinis, and turning a _very_ pretty girl’s head.”

“So, in other words,” Karin sums up, quirking a smile, “the usual.”

“What can I say?” Juushirou shrugs, shamelessly smug. “It’s the best way to chill out.”

Regret at everything that is being said and done comes later.

For now, Juushirou embraces the cheesiness of it all. Juushirou can say all the dumb stuff that Toushirou has to force out with a silly grin, as if he’s _proud_ of uttering ice puns out loud.

And —

 _Fuck_.

Karin _likes_ the ice gimmick.

Toushirou knows, because Karin lowers her head and bites her lip, trying to hide her laughter.

He _knew_ she’d be like this! He _knew_ that she’d _like_ the lame ice puns if _Juushirou_ was the one to say them, instead of that time when Toushirou had.

Last time, Karin had laughed, and it was mocking. This time, Karin laughs, genuinely finding it _cute._

“Yeah, okay,” Karin says, looking back at him, fondly, her eyes shining. “And what about soccer?”

“How could I forget?” Juushirou grins, nudging Karin back. “Honestly, Karin-chan, playing soccer is much, much, _much_ more fun on the beach than on the grass.”

“But sand is so… sandy,” Karin wrinkles her nose, and Toushirou doesn’t _mean_ to smile, but he enjoys seeing her grouchy side. “I mean! It’s so…”

“Sandy?” Juushirou teases, finishing her sentence and Karin’s cheeks darken as she nods. “You just haven’t found the right beach yet.”

“Maybe,” Karin agrees, sighing. She takes a moment, and peers at him. “Anyway, _not_ that I’m complaining, but why are you back?”

“Curiosity,” Toushirou says, snapping his fingers with flair, desperately trying not to bring himself into it. He didn’t want to make it seem as if Toushirou had been talking to Juushirou about the state of Karin’s affairs of the heart, and _that_ had caused his return. No, Juushirou had _other_ motives, which did _not_ include Toushirou. “It’s been a while, like you said, so I wanted to know if anything’s changed since we last met.”

“ _Oh_ ,” Karin blinks, flustering a little. “You mean like if I took your advice and found someone or if I’m still on the lookout for the next boyfriend?”

“ _Or_ ,” Toushirou stutters, voice quavering a little bit, because he’s supposed to be _Juushirou_ right now, not Toushirou, and Juushirou _doesn’t know about Yusuke_ , and Juushirou most definitely _isn’t_ _supposed to be feeling a flare of jealousy_ during this conversation. “Are you still self-reflecting? Maybe you’re enjoying being single again?”

There’s no rush, after all.

Who says that Karin has to find someone _right away?_

“Maybe I am,” Karin says, trying her own brand of mysteriousness, even though Toushirou knows exactly where Karin stands. “To be honest, Juushirou-kun, I’ve been thinking about your advice a lot, lately.”

“Oh?” Toushirou blinks, intrigued. He tries not to blush as he feels Karin study him intently, and the memories and emotions come rushing back and make his cheeks _burn._

The last time he talked to Karin as Juushirou, Toushirou realized how he felt about her.

It was bad enough to see Karin as Toushirou afterwards, uncomfortably aware of how his heart raced the entire time, but now, _seeing_ Karin _besotted_ with Juushirou, oblivious at how open she is with her heart is even _worse_.

 _Knowing_ that _he_ harbours a crush on Karin and that Karin _prefers_ Juushirou magnifies his agony tenfold.

It would be easier to give in, give both what they want, right?

“I guess I’m trying to wrap my head around it,” Karin says, unaware of the storm that rages inside of him. “Toushirou told me that romance in Soul Society is pretty traditional. When I asked Ran-chan, she actually told me that people over there tend to skip the dating part entirely and go straight into marriage! Which is so crazy to me! I mean, it’s sweet, but _how_ do they make that leap of faith? I just don’t get it! But then, there’s you and Ran-chan… and you two both date and dump people, as if you’re actually from the living realm. And I know that some people in the living realm are traditional, and only love one person all their life, like Ichi-nii and Orihime, but… _still_.”

“Ah,” Toushirou hums, trying to think and recollect his thoughts. What more can he say about the subject? How can he give it that Juushirou spin to it? “Well, times are changing, Karin-chan, and I don’t think my baby brother has realized it yet.”

“I don’t know about that,” Karin says, folding her arms over her chest, “I don’t think Toushirou knows a whole lot about dating in Soul Society, but he’s knows a little.”

“Does he now?” Juushirou asks, interested, intrigued by the thought. “I don’t remember my baby brother being interested in _dating_ before.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure he still isn’t,” Karin laughs, smiling like she can’t help herself, and Toushirou wants to _scream_. She stiffens for a moment, barely noticeable if only Toushirou didn’t know her so well, and then it passes and her shoulders relax, affecting nonchalance. “Like I said, he didn’t have _much_ to say about the dating life over there.”

“He wouldn’t. He probably wouldn’t give it any attention unless it was something _truly_ special,” Toushirou notes, watching Karin’s cheeks pinken. If only she _knew_. “Look, you can ask anyone in Soul Society, and they’ll all believe that they are only meant for one person. That there’s only one true love for them. Even _I_ believe that, Karin-chan.”

“You… do?”

“Of course,” Juushirou nods, twisting verdant stalks between his fingers, considering. “Each person I’ve dated, I didn’t know that they weren’t for me at the beginning. I always hope they are. I wouldn’t have dated them otherwise, and I’m always willing to take the chance that they might be, until it’s obvious they’re not. Some people aren’t like that, though. Some people prefer not to say anything until they’re _absolutely certain_ that they’ve found their match. That’s a popular belief for those who were brought up in Soul Society.”

“I see,” Karin murmurs. “So, if more people from the living world died and became _shinigami_ …”

“They’d be free to date anyone they wished. There’s no law in Soul Society that forbids it,” Juushirou replies, thinking about Matsumoto. She’s seen as eccentric at times, but never is shamed for her loose behaviour. Nor should she be, as far as Toushirou is concerned, so long as it didn’t interfere with her doing her job, and for that, _laziness_ is the main obstacle, not licentiousness. But if she _was_ , well, she was more than capable at reminding people that she’s a commendable fighter, and that she’d rightfully earned being Vice-Captain of the Tenth Division. “Perhaps it might be slower to accept in Seireitei, but… given time, it wouldn’t be seen as anything out of the ordinary. In fact, it may already be seen as normal in Rukongai.”

“Right!” Karin nods, eager to show off her knowledge and impress Juushirou. “Because everyone goes to Rukongai, and they remember their past lives! I remember that!”

“Bulls-eye,” Juushirou nods, looking up at the blue, blue sky, hands on his neck. “There are still cultural differences, of course. And I think those _born_ in Soul Society will probably prefer to have a traditional romance as opposed to a modern romance, but… that’s all speculation, Karin-chan. I think of it like this, basically: there is only _one_ person _I_ can be in love with, though I can _be_ with others. Maybe it’s because I’m just a soul, I don’t know, but I think that’s how it is, for me, and everyone in Soul Society. But you, a human, I bet you can fall in love _more_ than once.” 

And for that, maybe Juushirou envies Karin. Just a little bit.

Karin’s both, though, Toushirou remembers suddenly. Half human, half _shinigami_ , or whatever biology the child of a former _shinigami_ and Quincy has. Even though Karin’s made pretty clear where _she_ stands on the whole traditional-versus-modern romance… her brother clearly is on opposite side of the spectrum.

“Maybe,” Karin mulls, breaking him from his thoughts, “I’ll find out one day.”

“Don’t go rushing to your death now,” Toushirou warns her, just barely preventing himself from frowning. He’s just… being serious at the moment. Juushirou can be serious, Toushirou rationalizes to himself, even if only _barely_.

“I won’t,” Karin promises, rolling her eyes. “I’m in no hurry, Juushirou-kun. I’ll get there eventually, but I’m pretty happy with the life I’ve got right now.”

“Good,” Juushirou says, fixing a smile on his face. “Romance isn’t nearly as different between the two realms as you might think, Karin. Even if it might seem that way on the surface. But for you and me?”

“We like to take chances,” Karin echoes, eyes lighting up, understanding. Juushirou nods. “Throw caution to the wind and hope that the next person that comes along and catches your eye will make your heart beat faster.”

An involuntary gasp escapes him.

Of course Karin _remembers_ Juushirou’s words and recites them back to him, utterly enamoured.

Juushirou brandishes a smile, charmed.

“Therein lies the tragedy of my hopefulness,” Juushirou says, overly pretentious for Toushirou’s liking but Karin — Karin listens intently, hanging on to every word. “My burden to bear.”

“Must be so tough,” Karin snarks, apparently sharing Toushirou’s opinion nevertheless, and Toushirou can’t help but crack a smile.

He winks at her, and it’s worth it, just to see her cheeks pinken.

“Lucky for me, Juushirou-kun,” Karin announces, growing excited as she reveals her ‘secret’. “I’ve found someone!”

“How _wonderful!”_ Juushirou beams, positively ecstatic for her. If she intended to get a jealous reaction out of Juushirou, she won’t get it. Toushirou, meanwhile, suppresses _his_ surge of jealousy, smiling a little too bright, before recovering, and curling his hand under his chin, indicating Juushirou’s interest. “Tell me everything. What’s he like?”

“I’ve got a better idea,” Karin says, standing up and places her hand on her hips, leaning forward in that cocky manner of hers that happens every time she’s about to make a bargain. “How about I tell you _after_ we play a game? I want to see how much you’ve improved since last time.”

She outstretches her hand, waiting for him to take it.

“Deal,” Juushirou says, and lets her pull him up.

 

 

Despite Hirako’s disinterest in soccer, he humours Toushirou’s insistence that it’s how all their ‘training sessions’ should end. The kicker is that Juushirou _has_ to run his mouth and come up with increasingly more ridiculous things to say one after the other.

Toushirou puts up with it because Karin would kill him if he got lazy with his footwork. And, well, sometimes it’s worth saying something truly ridiculous that takes _Hirako_ by surprise.

He still needs to watch himself, though. Sometimes he places too much weight on one foot than the other, or when he twists his body for a sharp feint, he miscalculates and ends up tripping over his feet instead. Hirako relishes those moments, laughing like a hyena whenever Toushirou’s attempts end up backfiring.

Playing soccer with Karin is much more preferable, in contrast, who is quick to note his improvement.

The downside is that it’s really, really obvious that Karin thinks that Juushirou is _ridiculously attractive._ She stares a little too long at him, biting her lip when she thinks he doesn’t notice. On more than one occasion she gets distracted by his abs and Juushirou shamelessly uses the moment to steal the ball away from her.

Toushirou, meanwhile, despairs. He’s not blind to the way Karin looks at Juushirou, and his heart can’t help but squeeze, and let himself pretend that for a fleeting moment, Karin is looking at _Toushirou_ like that.

 

 

“I don’t understand,” Juushirou tells Karin, afterwards, as they lie sprawled in the grass, catching their breath.

Karin is the clear victor, Juushirou doesn’t mind. He exceeded her expectations — _that_ is the important part. Exactly as promised, Karin informs Juushirou about her situation with Yusuke.

“Huh?”

“You like him, and he likes you,” Juushirou states. “What are you waiting for?”

“I… just,” Karin stumbles, cheeks darkening, and Toushirou wonders if it was another ploy to see if Juushirou might _say_ something. “I don’t know, Juushirou-kun. Maybe I want to be more careful, this time around.”

“Ah, is that your pragmatic side I hear?” Juushirou teases, unable to resist a little teasing, just to see her face redden even more. He enjoys the moment before deciding to offer some advice. “Listen, Karin-chan.  Don’t pay any mind to your doubts, just go for it. What happened to throwing caution in the wind and taking that chance?”

“ _Yeah_ , but that was _liking_ someone,” Karin mutters, almost squeamish. “Not _asking_ them _out._ ”

“It’s always scary making the first move,” Juushirou says, Toushirou realizing that _that_ might be why Karin had let the flirtation with Yusuke go on for so long. There was the ego thing, sure, but her impatience was beginning to get the better of her. Luckily, Toushirou’s read more than a couple of Momo’s romance novels where the protagonists suffer the same issue of being unable to spit it out. Sometimes all they need is encouragement. “But it’s always better to take a chance and do something to make it happen or… wait for them to act. What if they never do? You’ll always wonder then, and wish you had said something.”

He pulls free a clover and holds it up to the sky, twisting it until it’s nothing more than a green whirl.

“If Yusuke-kun says no, then you can move on, find someone else. But,” Juushirou looks at her, letting go, and Toushirou wonders how _anyone_ could deny her. “If he says _yes_ , which I think is a _guarantee_ , then it’ll be the most rewarding feeling in the world.”

“You think so?” Karin asks, shyly, and Toushirou is endeared at the sight.

“I know so,” Juushirou declares, assuring her in full confidence, and mimes out a heart with his index fingers. Karin looks at his hands, then at him, brightened by her admiration of him. Inspired. “Love is in the air, Karin-chan, and believe me, you are going to be as smooth as ice.”

Without any warning, Karin leans forward and kisses his cheek.

It’s soft and chaste and lasts less than a second, but it _feels_ like a lifetime, sparks fluttering into his blood steam, like she’s ignited something within him that will _never_ fade.

Toushirou has enough willpower to stifle a squeak, hold himself still until the shock passes, utterly unprepared for… for _that._ He claps his hand to his cheek, trapping the sensation of the press of her lips against his skin; blush deepening.

“What did I tell you?” Juushirou grins broadly, continuing when Toushirou can bring himself to speak again. “Smooth. As. Ice.”

At that, Karin bursts into laughter, full of affection and disbelief.

“You’re…” Karin smiles, fond, shoulders relaxed as she regards him and figures out what she wants to say to him. “You’re _so_ cheesy, you know that, right?”

“Did the trick, didn’t it?” Juushirou winks at her, with Toushirou’s _best_ impression of Hirako _yet_. Hirako would be so proud; Toushirou can’t help but think, absently. “You’ve got _moves._ ”

“Thanks,” Karin smiles, blushing, radiant even as she becomes bashful at his praise.

“For that, you deserve a reward,” Juushirou declares, and Toushirou spots something in the distance that he knows Karin will like. “How does ice cream sound?”

“I’m paying, right?” Karin asks, archly, and Juushirou has the good sense to look _slightly_ abashed.

“Yes, _but_ ,” Juushirou admits, before an idea flashes in his mind that he voices he without thinking. “If I give you a piggy back ride, I’d say that makes us even?”

“Why not?” Karin stately flatly, rolling her eyes, but grinning nevertheless, climbing onto him.

 

 

Normally, Toushirou went to Momo, after Juushirou’s encounter with Karin. With a pang, Toushirou remembers that Momo wants no part of this.

He could go to Hirako, report what happened and ask for his advice, but… Toushirou doesn’t feel like approaching him at the moment.

He doesn’t feel like talking to _anyone_ , truth be told. Really, he should be sleeping, but for some reason, exhausted as he is, he _can’t_ fall asleep.

“This is such a bad idea,” Toushirou mutters to himself, frowning as he approaches the mirror. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

It has to be better than counting sheep, right?

“What could possibly be the harm, _you_ said,” Toushirou grouses, crossing his arms over his chest. He doesn’t even have to focus that hard to see Juushirou where his reflection should be. “You sure showed me, right? It didn’t _hurt_ at all when I knew all along that I fooling myself? And even if Karin likes Yusuke, _if he even exists_ , she still likes _you_ better than _me._ ”

His fingers drum angrily against the fabric, and Toushirou stews, mouth pulled to one side, trying to figure where to go from there.

“Yusuke exists,” Toushirou sighs, annoyed at himself, for even doubting the existence of Karin’s crush. “Karin wouldn’t lie about someone like that.”

She’s been genuinely excited about Yusuke each time she talked about him. And Toushirou had recognised that sparkle in her eye, her captivation that appeared when Karin talked to Toushirou about Juushirou, and it was present when Karin talked to Juushirou about Yusuke.

“Karin really likes this Yusuke,” Toushirou muses. At least it’s an improvement to what she’d been like with Daiki. “Good. That’s… good.”

Maybe that’s why he didn’t flirt much, Toushirou reflects, mulling over Juushirou’s behaviour. He tested the water at first, flirted a little bit, saw her blush and turn starry eyed, but then Karin had started talking about Yusuke and…

He couldn’t bring himself to be anything but supportive of her.

Gone were the witticisms, the innuendos, the pick up lines that he had at the ready. They weren’t needed anymore, though he kept the dramatic overtures, melodramatic sentences, the icy puns.

Once again, Karin turned to Juushirou for advice, and without fail, he gave it, cheering her on.

 _Of course I did,_ Juushirou says, smugly, in the mirror. _I’m whatever she needs me to be, isn’t that right, baby brother?_

“Ugh,” Toushirou rolls his eyes. He should have expected that Juushirou would talk _back_ one of these days. It’s not as if he’s been whispering at the back of his mind these past days or anything. “Shut up.”

No, it’s not as if Juushirou’s voice has been _steadily getting louder_ in his head with each cup of coffee he takes, refusing to go away even when Toushirou ignores him. It’s just a side effect of his stress, Toushirou tells himself, he hasn’t been sleeping well, and drinking coffee in excess isn’t helping matters.

He’d been doing so well _ignoring_ Juushirou, why did he have do something stupid and _talk back?_

 _Karin-chan called me Juushirou-kun,_ Juushirou sticks his tongue out, and Toushirou tenses.

“No she didn’t,” Toushirou scowls, thinking back, only _Momo_ called Juushirou ‘Juushirou-kun’ and — “Oh, _shit._ ”

She  _had,_ and Toushirou hadn't even  _noticed._

 _Karin-chan kissed me,_ Juushirou continues, beaming, and Toushirou’s hand instinctively flies to his cheek.

“That’s enough,” Toushirou mutters firmly, turning away so he doesn’t have to look at Juushirou anymore.

For once, Juushirou listens, and his mind quiets.

Toushirou sighs. That was a waste of time. He should have just closed his eyes and tried to sleep.

Except even that doesn’t work.

He twists and turns in his bed, unable to sleep that night. And his cheek, which Karin had pressed her lips against, burns bright. Feverish at the memory. Proof of where her affection truly lay.


	12. Pink Primadonna

 

"Yo."

He wakes up with a start.

"I'm awake," Toushirou says, mouth dry as cotton. It's an unpleasant sensation. He repeats himself, somewhat disorientated, distracted by the feeling. "I'm awake."

Blinking rapidly, he gradually becomes aware of other sensory details, more pressing than the dryness of his mouth. Paper is somehow stuck to his face, and there is hard wood under his hands instead of the softness of his pillow and duvet. His hair in disarray, sticking out in various directions, and Toushirou is suddenly,  _embarrassingly,_  hit with the realization that  _he is in his office_.

How the hell did he get  _there?_

Preferring not to panic, Toushirou takes a deep breath, and focuses on recalling.

He has  _vague_  memories of dragging himself out of bed this morning, a cold shower, a breakfast that tasted like nothing at all, before he forced himself to go his office, greeting Matsumoto with a lukewarm pleasantry and… and… where  _was_  Matsumoto?

Never mind, he tells himself, trying to retrieve what little he can remember. He'll get back to Matsumoto and her disappearance. Right now, what's important is what happened next.

Actually…  _when did he fall asleep_?

_Shit._

It's so…  _unprofessional_ , Toushirou cringes, deeply embarrassed at himself. He's never fallen asleep in his office before. _Never._  Usually he can power through the day, no matter how exhausted he feels, and let himself crash in his bedroom. But  _this_  — he doesn't even remember his eyelids growing heavy, or the urge to close them…

"You okay, Toushirou?"

Toushirou's eyes snap open, whipping his head towards the sound of  _that_  voice and  _stares._  With lightning quick reflexes, he grabs the paper still stuck to his face and crumples it in his hand.

Well, this morning is just getting  _better and better_ , isn't it?

"Kurosaki," Toushirou says, voice rough thanks to his  _nap._  Disgruntled, he does his best to compose himself, smoothing his hair and trying to tamp down on his frustration. How did Toushirou  _fail_  to  _sense_  someone like  _Kurosaki?_  "What are you doing here?"

He is the  _last_  person Toushirou expects to see in his office.

"Never took you for someone who falls asleep at your desk," Kurosaki says with a shit-eating smirk, ignoring his question. Toushirou represses the urge to roll his eyes. He can handle Karin's brand of snark, but he has much less patience for her brother's. "Last I heard, you were an outstanding and hardworking member of Soul Society, with a  _very_  important position —"

"I  _am_ ," Toushirou snarls, too flustered to properly add an edge to his voice. "I take my job _very_ seriously,  _thank you,_ and am  _not_  in the habit of falling asleep at work."

If he was less rattled, he would have left it there. But something about Kurosaki's amused expression irks him, prompting Toushirou to continue.

"Not that it's any of your business,  _but_ ," Toushirou admits, grumbling. "This is the first time it's happened."

It bothers him that he still can't remember falling asleep. But then, he can't really remember  _most_  of the morning, if he's being honest. Presumably it went the same as it normally did, but…

" _Unlike_ ," Toushirou continues, directing his gaze at a conspicuously vacant desk, and scowls. "A  _certain_  someone who prefers to slack off."

He hopes Matsumoto, wherever she is, sneezes loudly.

"By the way, it's  _Captain Hitsugaya,_ " Toushirou reminds him, pedantic, directing his stare at Kurosaki after he's had his fill at glaring at empty air. Maybe Kurosaki will never listen to him, but that won't stop Toushirou from insisting on the proper use of honorifics. Besides, it helps him feel more like himself. More awake. "I'd prefer it if you called me that."

"Sure," Kurosaki agrees easily, his grin growing unrepentant and Toushirou just  _knows_  he's not going to like whatever is about to be said next. "Like Karin does?"

Toushirou doesn't bother to dignify that with an answer.

"Why are you here, Kurosaki?" Toushirou says instead, gritting his teeth as he settles into a far more comfortable state of grumpiness and suspicion. "What do you want?"

"To talk," Kurosaki answers simply, placing his hand on the back of his neck as he grimaces, looking somewhat uncomfortable. "Look, I don't like interfering if I can help it. What Karin does in her free time is none of my business,  _but_ —"

"This is about  _Karin?"_  Toushirou blinks, taken aback by his response as memories of the last time he was with Karin surge through him and his heart quickens. Then he exhales, rationality taking hold of him once more as he calms down and Toushirou wonders why he was so surprised.  _Of course_  it's about Karin. "Of course it is."

"I'm worried about her friendship with Juushirou," Kurosaki says bluntly, rubbing his neck, discomfited. He huffs. "If I could talk to him and find out what's going on in that head of his…"

 _Good luck with that,_  Toushirou thinks, but doesn't dare state aloud.

"I don't know what he's up to, or what he thinks he's doing with Karin, but I don't like it," Kurosaki admits, furrowing his brow. "That's why I'm hoping you can help, Toushirou. Do you know where he is?"

"No," Toushirou says, sighing as he once again becomes the long-suffering baby brother of the most ridiculous person in the realm. He can't say he was expecting Kurosaki to be concerned about someone like him, but he can ease his mind, at least. "I wouldn't worry about Juushirou, Kurosaki. He's annoying but… he's alright."

"C'mon, you're Karin's best friend," Kurosaki just  _looks_  at him. "You know Karin  _likes_ him."

_Oh shit._

Blood drains from Toushirou's face. He swallows.

"But… that… basketball player," Toushirou stumbles out, desperately fighting against his blush, the memory hot against his cheek. "Yu…  _Yusuke_ , right? Wasn't Karin going to ask him out?"

Had Karin kissed his cheek too?

Had Yusuke's heart raced as Karin drew back and looked at him nervously before smiling and accepting her feelings?

Toushirou's chest flares and he tries to suppress his jealousy, the bittersweet ache of knowing that he never had a  _chance_.

"She keeps talking herself out of it," Kurosaki rolls his eyes, the corner of his mouth twitching with fondness, before his expression turns dark. "I have a feeling that Juushirou is the reason why."

"Shit," Toushirou says, out loud, before he can stop himself.

"What?"

"Nothing," Toushirou says, dizzy with the thought of Karin kissing Juushirou's cheek and now he can't think of anything else, no matter how hard he tries. He has to breathe. He has to calm down. He has to —

"You know something," Kurosaki states, tone accusatory. "What aren't you telling me?"

"The last time, Juushirou talked to Karin, he… he gave her a piggyback ride," Toushirou says, slowly, drudging up that information with difficulty. He tries to  _think._  There's got to be a way he can spin this into his favour.  _Concentrate._ "But I don't think he meant anything by it, Kurosaki, it's just. Juushirou has always been a bit… affectionate."

"A piggyback ride," Kurosaki repeats, flatly, like he's going to kill Juushirou if he ever comes face to face with him.

_Fuck._

Even as Toushirou's hands turn clammy, he knows that that it is better that Kurosaki finds out about the piggyback ride rather than the cheek kiss.

He's damned either way, of this, Toushirou is certain.

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"What about Yusuke?" Toushirou blurts out, desperate to divert Kurosaki's attention — his ire — somehow. Momentarily confusing him might just be his best option. "Why aren't you annoyed that Karin might date Yusuke?"

 _Is Yusuke that great a guy?_  Toushirou wonders, bitterly, hating that random basketball player  _so much_ , even if he's never actually met him. What does  _Yusuke_  have that Toushirou — that  _Juushirou_ — doesn't?

"At least with Yusuke," Kurosaki says, exasperated that he even has to explain himself, like the answer is so incredibly  _obvious._  "Karin is dating someone her own age."

"Right," Toushirou says, softly. He'd… forgotten that. How did he forget a thing like that?

"To be honest, Toushirou, I'd feel better if I met Juushirou so I know what he's like and set things straight, but," Kurosaki looks down, scuffs his shoe against the floor. "Since he seems to be difficult to track down, I figure you're my best shot at trying to get through to him."

"I'll…" Toushirou looks down. "I'll see what I can do."

"Look, I know Karin, and I know she likes Yusuke a hell of a lot," Kurosaki says, matter of fact. "But she  _adores_  Juushirou, and she is not subtle about that."

It's not that Toushirou sees Kurosaki as dense, but he still finds that a little rich, coming from him.

Still, he has a point.

"No," Toushirou agrees, after a pause, sighing. "She isn't."

He's suddenly glad he hadn't done anything when he was Juushirou.

In a way, he had. He had let himself get caught up in a fantasy, obsessing over Karin looked at Juushirou with affection, and wanting to bask in it and almost believe he had attained something unattainable. For a while, a good, long while, it had seemed like that dream was within his reach.

And now it feels like he's waking up, like he's becoming aware of how close he came to crossing a line, like he's beginning to get a clue of how much he could have fucked things up.

Almost.

It's like he's on the brink, teetering on the realization that would fall into to place if only he had a good night's sleep. But sleep has been fleeting and difficult to find these past weeks.

"I could be wrong, Toushirou. Maybe he doesn't like Karin that way, and a piggyback ride is just… a piggyback ride. Maybe he's not trying to take advantage of her," Kurosaki says, mouth set into a frown, as he speculates, brows furrowing.

It's an odd sight, Toushirou realizes with some surprise. Ever since Kurosaki started dating Inoue, he'd been frowning a lot less. He hadn't thought much of Karin's observation until he realizes how true it really was.

As Kurosaki's worry shifts into agitation, Toushirou wonders if he's actually missed Kurosaki being a frowning brat of a kid, before recalling that for some reason he prefers to call Toushirou by his given name rather than his title.

"But even then, I don't know," Kurosaki heaves out a sigh, frustrated. "This whole damn thing is suspicious. Why is he hanging out with Karin? What does he think he's doing?"

"I think," Toushirou says, carefully, "I think he just wants to be her friend."

"He might," Kurosaki shrugs, in a tone that suggests he's not entirely convinced. "But what if he's leading her on? Making her think that there could be something more between them? Karin's just a  _kid._  She's  _fifteen!"_

"Karin's not stupid, Kurosaki," Toushirou says, in defence of Karin. "She knows that Juushirou is a lot older than he appears to be."

After all, Karin teases Toushirou for being an old man who likes red beans. She knows that even though Toushirou can pass for fifteen, he's not the same age as her. Even though Toushirou has never guessed how old his future self is, he reckons that in human terms, if he can pass for fifteen, then Juushirou could pass for nineteen.

And maybe that's what happened between Kurosaki and Kuchiki. In knowing that Kuchiki is much older than she appeared to be, Kurosaki had never seen her in a romantic light.

The difference is, Karin  _blatantly_  thinks Juushirou is attractive.

"Still, if  _something_  is going on between them," Kurosaki says, unhappy at the thought. "I… I  _have_  to look out for Karin. I  _have_  to protect her. You understand, right?"

"Of course," Toushirou says, nodding. He knows the lengths a person can go to protect their family. He's been guilty of that all his life. "I would feel the same way."

He didn't before but he certainly does  _now,_  Toushirou realizes, dismayed that he hadn't considered that complication before Kurosaki had pointed it out.

"Listen, Kurosaki," Toushirou clears his throat, wanting to reassure him, desperate to say  _something_  that might assuage him from the mess he's made. Something that might him feel like he's going in the right direction and reprieve him for a moment before he truly starts to make amends. "I can't claim to understand my brother that well, but I know him. I know what he's like, and I doubt that he sees Karin as anything other than a little sister."

When push came to shove, Juushirou supported Karin and cheered for her romance with Yusuke.

That means something, right?

What Juushirou craved was adoration, no matter what form it took.

"Karin's my best friend," Toushirou states, and meets Kurosaki's eyes so he can see how much he means it. How much Karin means to him. He pushes down the nausea in his stomach. The horror at what he could have  _done_. She's his best friend; he should start  _acting like it._  "I won't let Juushirou hurt her."

"I knew I could count on you," Kurosaki smiles, shoulders relaxing. "Thanks, Toushirou."

"It's still Captain Hitsugaya to you," Toushirou reminds him, though not nearly with as much severity as last time. He's focusing much of his energy in repressing the pang of betrayal he feels inside, and acting as if nothing is wrong instead.

"Sure," Kurosaki laughs, turning to the door, and about to wave backhandedly before he stops and twists back. "Hey, Toushirou?"

"What?" Toushirou asks, annoyed. He lifts an eyebrow, wondering what Kurosaki could possibly want  _now_.

"You've… you've got a little smudge," Kurosaki points to his cheek. Taps it a few times. Smirks. "Right about here."

Toushirou blanches.

"Kurosaki… you…" Toushirou begins, and boiling hot blood rushes to his face in humiliation as Kurosaki takes his leave. Furiously, he tries to scrub it off with the back of his hand, to no avail, and he's left roaring in his empty office.

" _You couldn't have told me that sooner?"_

 

 

He hadn't considered that.

After Toushirou has calmed down, after his face is clean, after his embarrassment fades, Toushirou can think clearly again, processing what Kurosaki had said.

Of course Toushirou had known that aging was different in the two realms. It irked him to no end when he got mistaken for an elementary student, which Karin continued to like teasing him about, even though she knew as well as he did that he was  _over a hundred years old, thank you very much!_

But still.

With Karin, Toushirou felt like they were equals. Like they were on the same level, the same age range, even if they had more than a hundred years between them because aging operated differently in their realms. They were young, smart and stubborn to a fault, and they'd forged a friendship on that.

Even though he knew that Karin will grow up faster than he would, technically becoming older than him, even if he had lived longer, Toushirou was  _certain_  that their connection — their friendship — would never ever change.

Look at them now.

Their friendship  _had_  changed, and Toushirou has become adrift, struggling to adjust to it. Juushirou hadn't helped matters, but even without him being thrown into the mix… Toushirou wonders if he would have been able to handle it in a more graceful manner.

It's not like he thought that Karin would abandon her life in the mortal realm. Karin liked living, as much as she complained about the tediousness of schoolwork. She had her own pace, why should she rush going to the spiritual side, when she was in no hurry to die?

Toushirou sighs.

Kurosaki was right, and no matter how half-baked Toushirou idea was, it was never going to end well.

Once, Kurosaki had joked about the idea of Toushirou and Karin being a couple, before laughing at the look of their faces, but Toushirou doubts that Kurosaki had ever taken the idea seriously.

He picks up a pen on his desk, twisting it between his finger and thumb, and wonders what else he might have missed. How much tunnel vision he had suffered, caught up in delusions and paranoia and lack of sleep and overthinking every single variable while somehow overlooking the blindingly obvious.

"Something wrong, Captain?" Matsumoto asks, sitting comfortable in her desk and — and Toushirou's head whips in her direction, staring at her, mouth open.

_How long had she been there?_

"Where the…" Toushirou says, words vanishing as he's rendered silent by surprise. It only lasts a moment, before anger takes hold of him, and the words burst out of him, full throttle. " _Where the hell have you been?"_

 

 

"You've been avoiding me,  _Captain_  Hitsugaya," Hirako says, finding him after his shift has ended, regarding him with a thoughtful expression. "I take it something happened?"

"You could say that," Toushirou nods, somewhat uneasily. "Kurosaki dropped by."

"And the plot thickens," Hirako drawls, even more intrigued than before. "Why?"

"Because, I visited Karin as Juushirou a few days ago," Toushirou admits, wondering why it feels so much more difficult to admit these things with Hirako than with Momo. There's something about Hirako that Toushirou finds difficult to confide in, and it isn't his sleazy smile or his detached manner, but there's something about him that Toushirou finds reluctant to let his guard down. "Kurosaki wasn't too happy about that."

" _Damn,_ " Hirako whistles, and leans forward, eager to know more. "Well, tell all!"

So that's exactly what Toushirou does. He recounts the visit, Kurosaki's concerns afterward, and his own conflicted feelings that have grown these past days.

Hirako is… less than impressed.

"That's it, then?" Hirako asks, archly, tilting his head in his hand. "You're going to let this go? Just like that?"

"Maybe," Toushirou shrugs, ambivalent. He doesn't  _what_  to do, but Kurosaki's disapproval hasn't made matters any easier, making him feel worse, and Toushirou feels plenty of  _that_  on a daily basis. "He's got a point."

"Yeah, well, so did Momo, and you didn't listen to her, did you?" Hirako replies blandly, his expression unchanging. "Why should Ichigo's opinion matter?"

 _This_  is why Toushirou hates discussing things with Hirako. He never knows what he's going to get with him. Hirako alternates between vindictive glee and sullen boredom, changes from being enthusiastic and energetic to dispassionate and antagonistic, and Toushirou can't defend himself as much, struggling to keep up with the whirring of Hirako's unpredictable moods.

"Maybe I wasn't ready to listen back then," Toushirou suggests, taking a moment, while his head  _hurts_. He digs his nails into his hands, grounding himself until the moment passes. "Maybe I'm ready now."

"You don't believe that," Hirako says, watching him carefully. He speaks in a gentle tone, but his eyes remain sharp and unnerving as ever, never quite in alignment with the rest of his face, never quite able to match the smile he dons. "No one is forcing you to continue this charade,  _Captain_  Hitsugaya. You want to end it, go ahead. But I gotta ask, what happens next? Are you going to tell Karin the truth? Are you going to tell anyone?"

Truthfully, Toushirou doesn't know.

It started because people thought he had a brother, and then it spiralled after Karin met Juushirou and developed a crush on him. Then he became consumed by jealousy and confusion and self-doubt that he hasn't been able to think straight that it feels like he's going in circles, no matter what he does.

He hasn't slept properly in  _weeks._

He's barely functional at work, even though he's so tired and doing his damndest to keep up with all that is required of him and his… increasingly exhaustive side project.

"I might," Toushirou mumbles, passing his hand over his face. "I haven't decided."

"Okay, let's say you do," Hirako says, "What are you going to tell them? What are you going to say when they ask why you've been pretending to be your own brother, somebody who doesn't even exist?"

"I…" Toushirou falters, embarrassed to say it out loud. He knows the answer. It's something that he reminds himself whenever he asked himself the same question, overwhelmed by the stress of it all. "I wanted Karin to look at me the way she looked at Juushirou."

At the core, all Toushirou wanted was the open adoration that Karin freely gave to Juushirou. It was Juushirou with his playful and easy going and confident personality that had caught Karin's eye. It was to Juushirou, that Karin gave her heart, not Toushirou.

Never him.

And sure, it  _was_  selfish of him, to bask in that attention, while Karin continued to crush on Juushirou, unaware that it was Toushirou all along, but — Toushirou knew, deep in his gut, that Karin would  _never_  admire him the same way, would never sigh wistfully and gaze at him with starry eyes and all the other poetic verbs that existed in romance novels that were used to describe a person in love.

"It was the  _only_ way," Toushirou murmurs, swallowed by desperation, "I thought it could happen."

"Huh," Hirako says, considering. He scratches his chin, mulling over what Toushirou had told him, before bluntly asking. "So this wasn't some convoluted prank?"

"What? No!" Toushirou denies instantly,  _shocked_  that Hirako would even suggest that. He narrows his eyes, glaring. "I would  _never_ — is  _that_  why you've been helping me?"

He shouldn't be surprised, what with Hirako's penchant for being outrageous and eccentric and reckless at the worst of times and  _yet_  —

"Nah," Hirako brays with laughter, his aggravating smirk fixed on his face which once again leaves Toushirou speechless. "Had you going for a minute there, didn't I?"

"Shut up," Toushirou grumbles, flushing.

"See,  _I_ knew you weren't  _that_  devious,  _Captain_  Hitsugaya," Hirako snickers, and Toushirou is such an idiot for instantly believing and letting himself get ruled by his emotions. "But it sure was entertaining to see you think that I thought you  _could_  be."

"I cannot believe you," Toushirou says, still smarting from his response. "So, why, then? Why are you helping me?"

"Because," Hirako says simply, proudly declaring. "Kuchiki Byakuya is now my best friend."

Toushirou arches his brow.

"Or… he will be, at some indeterminable point in the future," Hirako amends, flapping one hand out into the open air. "Okay, the real reason is that this is a family affair, and I feel morally obligated to help out."

" _What."_

"As you know, Momo is my daughter, therefore, you are my son, and by that logic —"

" _No."_

"Non-existent or not, Juushirou is  _also_  my son," Hirako finishes his train of thought, and Toushirou bitterly, bitterly regrets that he heard it at all. "We're one hell of a family."

" _Hirako."_

"Okay, okay," Hirako rolls his eyes, this time looking — well, if not serious, then at least, more honest. "The  _real_  reason is that I wanted to see how far you'd go before you called it quits. To be honest, I thought it would happen much sooner. So I'm  _impressed,_  Captain Hitsugaya. Your determination exceeded my expectations."

If anything, Hirako's praise makes Toushirou feel even worse, because if he hadn't been so stubborn, so embarrassed, maybe things didn't have to escalate into madness as much as they had.

"Shut up," Toushirou mumbles.

"Then again," Hirako says, regarding him with an unsettling expression. "If Momo couldn't change your mind, I doubt Ichigo could either."

"You don't know that," Toushirou shoots back, indignant.

"Momo does," Hirako points out, and Toushirou frowns. "She knows  _exactly_  how determined you can get if you put your mind to it, and just because you're having second thoughts now doesn't mean you'll have them forever."

"You think I can't put an end to this?" Toushirou asks, raising his voice. "You don't think I can stop this whenever I want?"

"I think you would have by now, if you could," Hirako remarks, observing him with cool detachment. "See, I know you're embarrassed to say anything, and that embarrassment has driven you to do things most people wouldn't have suspected you to be capable of. And that's interesting to me, Captain Hitsugaya, because you're a pretty shitty liar."

"And yet they believe me," Toushirou says, quietly, because Hirako is right. So many things about him having an older brother don't add up, and yet, no one is able to pick the lie apart. "You believed me."

"Did I though?" Hirako glances at him, twisting his mouth into an amused smirk. "Did you really think that when you told me that Kuchiki has  _always_  wanted to be my friend but never said anything that I  _believed_  you?"

"Um," Toushirou blinks, recalling that day, how badly he'd wanted to get rid of Hirako and how relieved he had been that Hirako ditched him at the drop of a hat. "Yes?"

"Nope," Hirako shakes his head. "Like I said, you're a shitty liar, and I saw right through you,  _but_  you did provide me with an opportunity, and who I was I to deny that?"

"You're terrible," Toushirou tells him, flatly.

"Says the person who came up with the idea in the first place," Hirako breezily replies, not at all affected by Toushirou's remark. "My point is, one of the reasons why you've been able to get away with lying as much as you have is because no one has thought to not believe you. As soon as they do, it's pretty obvious how bad you are at lying."

Maybe that's a good thing.

Toushirou doesn't know anymore.

"Captain Hitsugaya," Hirako continues, watching him closely. "You haven't told me the whole story, have you? Something else happened, didn't it?"

"Karin likes someone else," Toushirou sighs, feeling uneasy, off-balance. Had he told Hirako this before? He can't remember, but it feels important to repeat it again, just in case. "And I… Juushirou… helped her. Cheered her on. That kind of thing."

That was the right thing to do, right?

That's what Juushirou would have done, in that situation, were he a real person, right?

Toushirou should support her, instead of… doing what he's doing.

"So what?" Hirako asks, bluntly. "If anything, that might have made Karin like Juushirou  _more._  And clearly, as much as she likes the other guy, she must like Juushirou a fuckton. And if Ichigo didn't believe that, he wouldn't have said anything."

Toushirou's heart pounds in his chest, and it's a terrible thing, to have his heart beat with hope and despair.

He didn't want to think about how  _close_  he might be to having a  _chance_  with Karin.

But it would be a lie.

Because a relationship between Juushirou and Karin would always,  _always_  be a  _lie_.

He feels vaguely nauseous, and Toushirou swallows.

"And you can't  _stand_  that," Hirako says, his voice very quiet, all of a sudden, as if comprehending something Toushirou refuses to admit even to himself. It almost looks like  _pity._  "Because Karin likes Juushirou in a way that she's never liked you, because —"

"Shut up!" Toushirou snarls, unable to look at him, not when his own heart is trying to claw its way out of his chest, which is the last thing he needs at this precise moment.

He needs… he needs space, air, room to breathe, to think and to feel like every waking moment he isn't spiralling out of control.

"Ah," Hirako says, softly, regarding him with an expression that is neither cruel nor kind. "Oh dear, Captain Hitsugaya."

"Karin kissed Juushirou," Toushirou says, quietly, needing to tell  _someone_  because he can't bottle that information inside of him any longer. He's just making the situation worse and worse, condemning himself by never being able to predict how the situation will escalate, and he's barely able to pull himself together as it is.

"She did?"

"Yeah. She kissed my — his,  _shit_ , his cheek," Toushirou stumbles out, and his cheek  _burns._  Karin has left a mark on him, permanent on his skin, and it's like a scar that he has to keep touching and hope will fade, but hasn't yet. He can hardly breathe. "I don't… I don't know how I didn't transform back then."

Instead, Juushirou had  _grinned._  He'd  _complimented_  Karin's technique. He  _encouraged_  her to take the initiative.

All the while Toushirou loathed himself a little bit more.

"Well," Hirako hums, tilting his head. "It's a good thing you didn't."

"Yeah."

"So, you love Karin," Hirako says, and it feels like he's sealed Toushirou's fate, somehow. By saying it out loud, it feels true, it feels real. "What happens now?"

"I don't know," Toushirou sighs, feeling a headache coming on.

He thinks of the time that Hirako stumbled across the Juushirou conspiracy and called him  _hopeless._  As absurd as it is, Toushirou misses those days, so much simpler, so much calmer and more peaceful than they are now.

He wishes Hirako would roll his eyes and call him  _hopeless_  again.

 

 

At least he has time.

He doesn't have to come up with something right away.

Juushirou comes and goes as he pleased, so if Karin didn't see Juushirou for a while, it's not like she'd be surprised.

 

 

Toushirou supposes it's a good fortune that it's after the Captain's Meeting that he gets a leg cramp.

At least after the meeting, the Captains are less likely to pay attention to each other, returning to their offices to continue with whatever business they had before.

Still, it's a nuisance he has to put up with until it passes.

"Crap," Toushirou mutters under his breath, hoping that no one will notice his predicament.

"Captain Hitsugaya," Kuchiki says, and Toushirou tenses, before he turns to face him. "Is something wrong?"

Toushirou looks around. The hallway is abandoned. It's just them now.

"Leg cramp," Toushirou mutters, keeping his voice low, all the same. He leans against the wall.

"I see," Kuchiki says blandly, glancing at it for a moment. "Is it the same reason as last time?"

"Yes," Toushirou confirms. "Unfortunately."

"Your brother is still having difficulty with… that particular matter, then?" Kuchiki enquires, though it feels less of a question than a statement. His cool eyes bore into Toushirou. "What is it?"

"Um," Toushirou swallows, faltering because even if Kuchiki was  _technically_  part of the All Big Brothers Are Fibbing Fibbers Club, Kuchiki had never actually known what it had  _entailed_ , only that Juushirou continued to have an effect on Toushirou's increasingly complicated life. "It's nothing you need to concern yourself with."

"I insist, Captain Hitsugaya."

"Well, if you  _insist,_ " Toushirou mumbles, snarking, averting his gaze as a flush spreads across his face. Kuchiki isn't going to leave, and his leg cramp isn't ending any time soon either, apparently. Perhaps talking will provide a welcome respite. "It's. Um. Well. They're having discussions about… of a… ro-romantic nature…"

Silence.

Toushirou glances at the stoic Captain who looks… expressionless, as always.

"Hirako."

Kuchiki sounds…  _confused?_

_Maybe?_

"You are having," Kuchiki reiterates, visibly struggling to make  _sense_  of what Toushirou has just admitted. "Consultations about  _romance._  With  _Hirako."_

Everything about that sentence sounds  _ridiculous._

"Technically,  _Juushirou_  is," Toushirou corrects him, weakly, trying and failing to maintain the pretence, while his face turns uncomfortably bright red. "But yes."

" _Hirako,_ " Kuchiki repeats, disturbed.

"In my defence, Hirako is the  _only_  person aware of the circumstances and  _also_  in a committed relationship," Toushirou points out, bristling. It's not like he had many alternatives.

"To  _Sarugaki._ "

"They are very happy together," Toushirou deadpans, not batting an eye.  _He_  wasn't going to question Hirako and Sarugaki's love life when his own was basically an unmitigated disaster. In comparison, Hirako and Sarugaki were seemed practically  _stable_.

Kuchiki pauses, furrowing his brow and wearing an expression that implied that his brain died trying to process the information.

"Has Juushirou  _found_  a person similar in temperament to Sarugaki?" Kuchiki asks, dryly, when he can speak again.

" _No_ ," Toushirou instantly replies, going pale at the thought. "Though she  _does_  get on well with Sarugaki."

Kuchiki  _stares_  at him.

"It, um," Toushirou stutters, folding in on himself as he feels more and more awkward the longer this conversation continues. "Has more to do with the fact that Hirako is  _in_  a successful relationship than either of their eccentric personalities, really…"

"I see," Kuchiki says, blandly. "And have his consultations been helpful?"

"Surprisingly, yes," Toushirou admits, reluctantly.

Hirako's personality notwithstanding, he had provided genuinely good advice. Juushirou had become clearer, more distinct in Toushirou's mind. Bolder, braver. Karin  _liked_  that side of Juushirou.

Maybe if Juushirou had confessed that he had feelings for her, Karin would have reciprocated.

(And then Kurosaki would have even more reason to be furious. Can't forget that.)

"Perhaps," Kuchiki says, after a pause. "Perhaps we should continue this conversation. In a more private setting."

"Oh, I really don't think that's necessary —"

"I insist," Kuchiki says, firmly, and suddenly it doesn't feel like he has any choice in the matter.

 

 

"In short," Kuchiki summarizes, the expression on his face indescribable, and Toushirou grows increasingly disconcerted by it. "You are using your  _bankai_  to court your heart's desire. You are impersonating your non-existent older brother who is your opposite in every way. Your body is still suffering the repercussions even if you haven't transformed into him this week, and you are still drinking too much coffee to manage your workload."

"Yes," Toushirou nods, miserable. It sounds pathetic, put like that. It sounded ridiculous as Toushirou tried to recount the events to him, fumbling with the details as he said them aloud, still somewhat incredulous himself by how it all happened. At least Kuchiki is a patient and attentive listener. "You are correct."

He's not proud of it, if that helps. It just… turned out that way.

Kuchiki offers no judgement, but Toushirou senses he's most likely disappointed.

Using Daiguren Hyourinmaru to make Karin fall in love with him — or more precisely, his older brother — isn't exactly the protocol.

"What does your  _zanpakutou_  think about this?" Kuchiki asks, apropos of nothing.

"Um," Toushirou's throat dries up. He blinks. "I don't. I don't know, Kuchiki. I've never asked."

"I suggest you do so," Kuchiki counsels, in that aloof manner of his. "Doubtless it will be an illuminating conversation."

 

 

 _Illuminating_.

Yes.

It  _is_  an illuminating conversation.

It is also a  _short_  conversation.

And humiliating.

 

 

 _I am meant to protect!_  Hyourinmaru roars, utterly  _livid,_  ice blue wings sweeping across the midnight starless sky, and unfurling diamond dust into the darkness.  _To fight! To make you strong!_

Toushirou winces.

"I know."

_Not this! Not to be used in that… that manner!_

"I'm…  _really_  sorry about that, Hyourinmaru," Toushirou mumbles, every molecule of his being brimming with beet red embarrassment. He never once thought how Hyourinmaru might feel about the whole Juushirou fiasco. "I didn't think —"

_Of course you didn't! You're too busy wanting Karin to fall in love with a person who doesn't even exist to even think about me! To consider my feelings! To imagine how mortifying this is for me!_

"I'm so sorry," Toushirou apologizes, his voice a whisper, his entire face on fire. "It won't happen again."

 _It better not,_  Hyourinmaru hisses,  _extremely_ miffed, and refuses to talk to Toushirou for the rest of the day.


	13. Oscillating Orange

 

“Oh no,” Toushirou groans, opening his eyes to realize that _yet again_ he had found himself slumped over his desk, _sleeping in his office_ , and had absolutely no memory of how he got there in the first place. “No, no, no.”

“At last!” Momo says, sounding relieved. “Thank goodness, Shirou-chan.”

When Toushirou sits up and follows the sound of her voice, he finds Momo sitting comfortably on the sofa, book placed to the side.

“I was beginning to think that,” Momo continues, delicately. “Well, it’s kind of embarrassing to say. But I didn’t want to wake you, so I…”

“ _Fuck_ ,” Toushirou buries his face in his hands, not listening. Why does this keep _happening to him?_ Why is he _falling asleep at work?_ Why is _Matsumoto nowhere in sight?_ “Not _again.”_

This is setting _such_ a bad example to his division.

“A- _again?”_ Momo echoes, eyes wide with worry. “How many _times_ has this happened, Shirou-chan?”

“A couple,” Toushirou admits, absently, more focused on trying to make his hair look presentable, and combs his fingers through his hair. He hopes there’s no ink on his face this time around. “I fell asleep in my office a few days ago. But it’s… it’s fine, Momo.”

“It’s really not,” Momo stares at him, concerned. Her lips press into a line, before she says. “This isn’t like you. Does this have anything to do with Juushirou-kun?”

“Maybe,” Toushirou sighs, pressing his fingers to his temple. Closes his eyes for just a few seconds. Exhales. “It shouldn’t, though. I haven’t been him for a week.”

This didn’t happen to him last time. He’d been _fine_ after a week had passed, and life had gone on.

Now, Toushirou isn’t so sure what’s happening to him.

He sees Juushirou everywhere these days. Not just in mirrors anymore. In hallways and corridors and the corner of his office. Juushirou won’t leave him alone.

It’s getting worse, and if this is some kind of… detox effect, maybe Toushirou will just have to put up with it until it’s out of his system.

“Okay,” Momo says, pursing her mouth as she thinks. “That’s something, at least. What about coffee? How much coffee are you drinking?”

“I don’t know. A lot?” Toushirou guesses. It’s kind of irrelevant these days. Maybe his coffee intake has been steadily increasing these past few months to deal with the tiredness, but now he needs a certain amount just to get through the day. He should probably start decreasing his daily intake, but he can’t bring himself to do it yet. Not when he’s so stressed. “Do you know where Matsumoto is?”

“You look awful,” Momo tells him instead.

“ _Momo,”_ Toushirou snaps, not in the mood.

“No, I have no idea where Matsumoto is,” Momo answers mechanically, before she folds her arms across her chest and glares at him. “But that should be the least of your concerns at the moment. How many hours of sleep are you getting?”

“Eight,” Toushirou frowns. He’s not an idiot. He knows it’s got to add up to that number at some point, right?

His sleep schedule is so fucked these days, and Toushirou takes falling asleep, however brief, whenever he can get it, in between cups of coffee.

“A night?” Momo asks, and Toushirou resists the urge to bite her head off. Can’t she back off?

“Yes, a night,” Toushirou scowls, his head pounding as if to spite him for lying.

“No, you’re not,” Momo says, sharply, sadly, and Toushirou can hear Juushirou whisper _you’re such a shitty liar_ in the back of mind. “You think I don’t recognize when it’s getting too much for you? I was _there,_ Shirou-chan! The _first_ time it happened. I know this can’t go for much longer and that you’re even more exhausted than you let on because I _know_ what you’re like when you get overwhelmed by your own determination, and just because you haven’t used your _bankai_ for a week, doesn’t mean that this madness is over! And just because I don’t want to know the details of what’s happened between Karin-san and Juushirou-kun doesn’t mean that I don’t care about you!”

“I know,” Toushirou says, quietly. “I’ve never doubted that, Momo.”

“Shirou-chan, I can’t help but think,” Momo says, shoulders heightening, as she draws herself as tall as she is able, before releasing her breath, her thoughts out into the open. “If you really care for Karin-san, as much as you say you do, then you wouldn’t be _manipulating_ her like this.”

Toushirou is silent.

He didn’t listen before; the first time Momo had said it. Maybe he wasn’t ready then, like he told Hirako.

At first, it was easy to brush away the doubts that Momo voiced, too caught up in the embarrassment at the situation he’d found himself in. And then, all of a sudden, he found himself jealous, and that jealousy consumed him that he was being submerged in despair and unable to resist temptation as he struggled to compartmentalize what made him Toushirou and what made him Juushirou.

Even now, it feels like he’s teetering on a tightrope, seconds away from collapse.

Some rational part of him is aware that the more Toushirou becomes Juushirou, the likelier it will be that he’ll be discovered. Another part of him doesn’t care, craving the rush, the freedom, the adrenaline it brings, how the world seems to tilt on its axis because he’s someone unrecognizable and adored for it.

It almost doesn’t matter that he’s left feeling drained for days afterward.

People are beginning to notice, even though only Kuchiki and Momo have mentioned his deteriorating state to his face. He can’t but wonder if Matsumoto and Hirako perceive him differently, Hirako in particular, since the last time they talked had shifted in a way that made his behaviour seem particularly suspect. Matsumoto, well, appears and disappears so frequently that Toushirou is too tired to lose his temper and can’t bring himself to care any longer.

Everything just keeps on building up, and Toushirou wonders how he’s going to survive it, because he’s not just suffering leg-cramps these days. He gets migraines and bouts of tiredness and isn’t able to properly sleep anymore. He compensates by drinking too much coffee, but that makes him irritable and makes him feel guilty and like he’s giving in the paranoia that’s eating him inside. Stress keeps rising because he has to pretend each day that Juushirou is a real person who talks to him frequently in his personal quarters because he doesn’t know who else he can talk to — not Hirako, who looks at him with pitying eyes, not Momo who wants the whole thing to be over — and these days, he’s not even _pretending_ , he’s just accepted that his figment of brother exists, haunting him and reminding him every waking moment how much Karin prefers the illusion over the reality, not that she knew that.

Toushirou carries on, because he’s determined, because he knows he’s gone too far to turn back, even as he runs on empty.

Neither Momo nor Hirako nor Kuchiki understand, no matter how he tries to explain it.

None of them understand the _magnitude_ of his embarrassment, increasing exponentially as Juushirou spiralled out of control, to the point that Toushirou feels incapable to tell the truth _._

It’s not that he doesn’t want to, it just, he every time he tries, his voice feels _silenced._

“You’re right. I shouldn’t,” Toushirou agrees. Nothing’s felt the same since Momo stopped being his co-conspirator. “I know I’m being unfair to Karin but —”

It’s just. He wanted to pretend a little longer. He wanted to hold onto the possibility that Karin might like him _back,_ even if he’d forced himself to become a person who wasn’t real.

Because despite the conflict he feels, how selfish he’s slowly realizing he’s become, he couldn’t — and _still can’t —_ repress the feelings he has for Karin. It’s driven him to do an awful thing, and he’s only vaguely aware of it.

He’s too numb to realize the extent of how terrible the repercussions could have been, had he went through with his originally well-meaning plan, but he knows if he hasn’t already, he’s losing his goddamn mind putting himself through this hell and it’s got to stop at some point.

But it’s _hard_ to stop _._

“It has to… I have to put an end to it,” Toushirou says, breathless, forcing himself to voice his thoughts. Everything just going to bottle up inside of him and he’s going to explode otherwise, if he says his thoughts aloud, perhaps that’ll make him less ambivalent. Make his decision more concrete. “I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this, Momo, and now Kuchiki knows and Hyourinmaru won’t talk to me and —”

“What?” Momo says, lashes fluttering, mouth falling open as she looks at him, stunned. “Captain Kuchiki knows?”

“Yeah,” Toushirou says, distractedly, words hurrying out of him. “Yeah. He… um, he was baffled that I went to Hirako, of all people, for romantic advice. You should have seen his face, Momo. But seriously, who else could I have gone to? Him?”

Not a chance.

Kuchiki was _far_ too judgemental, even if he kept his thoughts to himself.

Their brief discussion about Juushirou was proof of _that_.

“And Hyourinmaru?” Momo prompts, voice gentle. Calming. “Why won’t Hyourinmaru talk to you?”

“Because he’s mad at me,” Toushirou says, simply, the simplicity of it all nearly making him laugh. Except Toushirou knows that once he starts laughing, it’ll be hard to stop. Because of course. _Of course Hyourinmaru is mad at him_. He’d have realized it sooner if he only had a second to spare. But his thoughts are constantly racing, backwards and forwards and spinning in circles and twisting his mouth into a crooked grin as he continues the conversation. “For using him the way I did.”

He wishes Momo could have seen Hyourinmaru. Witnessed how offended he was.

“ _I am meant to protect, to fight,_ he said, _to make me strong,”_ Toushirou quotes, recalling his fury, and his mouth twists unpleasantly, tasting self-loathing in every word he speaks. “I wasn’t _supposed_ to use Daiguren Hyourinmaru as a means to get Karin to fall in love with Juushirou. I’m not supposed to _that_.”

Obvious, right?

“Oh my goodness,” Momo places her hand over her mouth, gasping. “I can’t believe I never thought how your _zanpakutou_ would feel about all of this.”

“Neither did I. _Kuchiki_ brought it to my attention,” Toushirou informs her, mouth running like it’s a locomotive. “Imagine that. Kuchiki is worried about me.”

“He’s not the only one, Shirou-chan,” Momo says, and Toushirou nearly doesn’t hear her. He paces in his office, not wanting to sit in his chair any longer. If he can’t talk, he can walk. “Hey. You said you were going to put an end to this. You meant Juushirou-kun, right? Does that mean that something happened with Karin-chan?”

He stops in his tracks.

“Are you sure you want to know?”

“If you’re really intending to put an end to this,” Momo says, carefully, watching him with apprehension, as if she’s still uncertain what to make of him. If she believes him. “Then yes. I want to know.”

“You know about Yusuke,” Toushirou says, thinking back, and the days blur together in his mind, until he remembers what he’s supposed to remember, details jumping out for him to catch. Yusuke. That fucking basketball player. Momo nods. “Well, with Hirako’s help, Juushirou was going to sweep Karin off her feet. Except that didn’t happen, because I… I couldn’t go through with it.”

Silence.

“I’m not sure why, really,” Toushirou admits, though he has plenty of theories. None of them feel like the _real_ reason. But the real reason is a mystery even to him. He falters, then takes a breath, and continues. “But… Karin. Karin, she… she starts talking about Yusuke. You should have seen how excited and happy she was. Her entire face lit up, it took my breath away. And I…  Juushirou, I mean… we encourage her to pursue the relationship.”

His heart twists in his chest, and he wonders if that was the right thing to do, after all. Should he have confessed at that moment instead? Even if it might have been a mistake?

If he could go back, and relive that moment, would he do it differently?

“I was going to change her mind. I was — I was _supposed_ to change her mind, wasn’t I?” Toushirou says, not sure who he’s directing his question to. To Momo? To himself? He’s getting more and more confused with trying to understand himself because _that_ was the reason Momo refused to help him, right? So what _happened?_ What went _wrong?_ He looks at her, chest heaving. “Momo, _I don’t know why I changed my mind_.”

“It’s okay, Shirou-chan, it’s okay,” Momo says, soothingly, placing her hand on his arm, rubbing circles on his skin. “Just… breathe, okay?”

He exhales sharply. It feels like something bursting within him.

He needs to drink more coffee.

“I couldn’t do it,” Toushirou tries to make sense of himself, wretchedly, his hands shaking. He leans against his desk, and the answer comes to him, devastatingly simple. “Because it would never be real _._ ”

He was just deluding himself because he was _that_ desperate to believe that Karin could love him, even if it wasn’t him.

When the opportunity presented itself… he couldn’t take it.

Yusuke couldn’t have stopped him, Toushirou thinks. Yusuke barely even mattered, really. He could have flirted more, lead Karin on, confessed that Juushirou felt something for her.

If he let himself, it could had have happened.

But Toushirou wouldn’t have been able to live with it.

“That must have been hard for you to admit,” Momo murmurs, sympathetically, her hands stilling him, grounding him, as Toushirou forces himself to breathe. “But I’m proud of you, and I promise you, Shirou-chan, that you did the right thing.”

“I did. I did,” Toushirou repeats, trying to convince himself because even now there is part of him that is wavering. Conflicted over what he worked so hard to almost happen. He tries to push those thoughts down. “I’ve been so stupid, Momo.”

“Sometimes the awfully smart can be awfully stupid,” Momo says, softly, watching him with an intent gaze. “We all make mistakes, Shirou-chan. At least you realized it before you did something unforgiveable, right?”

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right,” Toushirou nods, and swallows as he looks down, unable to meet her face. He stares at his clenched hands, unfurls his fingers, tries to pay no notice to the way he trembles. “And now I’ve got to end it.”

His heart thrums in his chest, and it feels final.

“Okay,” Momo says, quietly. “Are you going to tell Karin-san the truth about Juushirou?”

“I…”

He wasn’t, actually. He was just going to stop _._ Stop being Juushirou. Start talking to Karin. Start repressing his feelings. Start acting like he’s never heard of a Hitsugaya Juushirou and look confused whenever someone mentioned anything about an older Hitsugaya brother. That’s a good a plan as any, right?

Sooner or later, things would get back to the way they used to be, and Toushirou would bury the truth as best as he could.

“I should,” Toushirou breathes out, haltingly. “Shouldn’t I?”

“ _Yes_ ,” Momo confirms, emphatic. “And also, you should think about drinking less coffee. I _mean_ it, Shirou-chan! Drinking however much coffee you’re drinking at the moment _cannot_ be good for you.”

“I’ll… keep that in mind,” Toushirou says, enjoying the fact that Momo is scolding him. It’s an odd thing to enjoy, he realizes, but he’s missed her, and Momo scolding him is proof that she cares about him, even if she’s frustrated with his ridiculousness. He can’t help but smile as he gazes at her. “Thanks, Momo.”

“What for?”

“Nothing,” Toushirou says, then changes his mind. “For being my older sister.”

“Oh,” Momo says, turning pink, and smiles back. “Anytime, Shirou-chan.”

 

 

He’s terrified.

Even if he’s decided to tell the truth, Toushirou doesn’t know if he can overcome his paralysing fear of admitting something that could potential ruin everything.

If he’s being honest, if Karin didn’t want to be friends with him afterwards, he wouldn’t blame her.

He _has_ to talk to someone about it, though, Toushirou knows, pouring himself a cup of coffee. Savours the kick. Someone who doesn’t know his circumstances, and then suddenly, in an instant, he knows exactly who he needs to talk to.

 

 

He raps his knuckles on the door and shoves his hands into his pockets while he waits.

“Hitsugaya-kun!” Inoue says, greeting him with a vivacious smile. “Hi! How have you been?”

“Good, thanks,” Toushirou responds politely, “And yourself?”

“I’m good too,” Inoue says, ushering him in. “Come on in! I was surprised that you called, but I’m really glad that you did. I hope my apartment wasn’t difficult to find?”

Her new place is nice, Toushirou thinks, looking around. The walls are filled with photos of her and Kurosaki on dates, being lovey-dovey, but there are plenty of group photos scattered about as well. There’s a picture of Chad at the gym as a personal trainer, one of Ishida studying medicine, still impeccably dressed, and there’s many photos of Inoue with Abarai, Kuchiki and Arisawa. It feels much more personalized than the time he lived with her.

“What? Oh,” Toushirou blinks, thinking back to Inoue giving him her address over the phone, arranging to meet when it was convenient to both. He returns to the present, slow to respond. “No, it was fine.”

“Good,” Inoue says, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, as she sits down. “Are you sure you’re alright, Hitsugaya-kun? You seem… on edge.”

“I might have drunk one too many cups of coffee today,” Toushirou says, swaying slightly. He blinks, black spots in his vision, no matter which direction he turns. “Things are… hectic in Soul Society at the moment.”

He takes a step back, dazed, and suddenly Inoue is guiding him gently to her sofa.

“It’s okay, Hitsugaya-kun, I’ve got you,” Inoue speaks, her tone pacifying, and he’s docile under her touch. “You’re okay, Hitsugaya-kun. Why don’t you stay there and I’ll bring you a glass of water.”

 “Okay,” Toushirou agrees, quietly, and sits there, perfectly still until the dizziness passes. It only takes a few minutes for his vision to clear, and by then, Inoue has returned, watching him, distressed. “Sorry about that.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Inoue says, after Toushirou has drained the glass dry. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” Toushirou says, raking his hand through his hair, trying to steady himself. He’s tired, overworked, and in dire need of sleep. But that can wait. “But I’ll manage, Inoue.”

“Okay,” Inoue nods. “You said you needed to talk to me about something?”

“Yes, I… I wanted to know how you did it,” Toushirou says, realizing how vague that sounds only after Inoue looks at him, confused. He elaborates. “How you were able to handle your feelings for Kurosaki and not say anything for years.”

_Years._

That’s what shocks him the most. Inoue handled her feelings of unrequited love with dignity and grace for _years_. Toushirou, on the other hand, can barely _stand_ his feelings, and it’s only been _months._

“This… this is what you want to talk about?” Inoue blushes, surprise fluttering all over her features. “Love? You want… love advice?”

“Sort of?” Toushirou admits, sheepishly.

He doesn’t know else he can talk about it. Confessing your feelings is probably as close as he can compare telling Karin the truth. In both situations, the person confessing is afraid of the outcome of their secret.

“Sort of?” Inoue echoes, tilting her head. “Hitsugaya-kun, is there someone you like?”

“There is, but,” Toushirou shrugs, wondering how he’s supposed to explain himself. “It’s not… complicated.”

“Because you think they might not like you back?” Inoue guesses, and Toushirou wishes it was that simple.

“No, that’s not it,” Toushirou sighs. He takes a deep breath and his knuckles tighten before he continues. “Because I’ve been lying to them. Not just hiding my feelings for them, but about something else. And I… I want to tell them the truth but every time I think about it… I just. I can’t.”

“Do you think you can tell me?” Inoue offers, kindly. “Maybe that might help?”

His throat feels tight.

He’s never actually _had_ to tell a person about Juushirou from start to finish, who didn’t already know some form of the truth.

But he _wants_ to _tell_ Inoue. Part of it, even if he can’t bring himself to say it all.

“I lied,” Toushirou starts, fidgeting, drumming his thumb on his knee, and takes a deep breath. “I lied about having a crush on Kuchiki.”

“Kuchiki-san?” Inoue’s mouth falls open, and she stares at him with wide eyes, before gazing at him, confused. “Or Kuchiki-san’s brother?”

“Kuchiki,” Toushirou grumbles, briefly annoyed before clarifying. “As in Kuchiki Rukia.”

“Oh! Really?” Inoue gasps, hands on her mouth to try and hide her surprise. But she leans in, curious, eager to know. “Who were you talking to?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Toushirou mutters, feeling like an _idiot._ How could he even think that it would work? “I just said it to see if she’d get jealous, and when she didn’t… I just. I didn’t want to tell her that I made it up.”

He would have felt even more awkward than he does in this moment, the tips of his ears burning.

“You know, you and Kuchiki-san could have been a really striking couple,” Inoue remarks, thoughtfully, letting herself imagine that for a second, before bringing herself out of her reverie, and laughing self-consciously. “I’m sorry, that’s not… I’m not being very helpful.”

“It’s fine,” Toushirou says, smiling a little, finding her reaction endearing. Truthfully he _did_ think there would have been certain poetry about it, the combination of ice and snow, but alas. “It would have never worked out, anyway.”

“Maybe not,” Inoue giggles, before her eyes light up and she says. “See? That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

“No,” Toushirou agrees. “I guess not.”

The world didn’t end. That’s something.

“So if you can tell me,” Inoue smiles, encouragingly, “you can tell — you can tell her!”

“Hopefully,” Toushirou says, not feeling nearly as positive as Inoue does. That lie was practically nothing compared to the other one.

“Hitsugaya-kun,” Inoue’s brow knit together, sensing his discomfort. “Was there something else?”

“Yeah,” Toushirou nods, taking in a deep breath, trying to steel himself. “That was only part of it.”

“Okay.”

“It’s just,” Toushirou hesitates. “I don’t want you to think less of me.”

“I won’t,” Inoue promises.

 _But you will,_ Toushirou thinks, mouth drying as he tries to speak and…

And.

And nothing.

“I can’t,” Toushirou panics, flaking under the pressure because he’s terrified of being rejected. He can think the words as loudly as he likes, but saying them out loud? Impossible. _Impossible._ “I’m sorry, Inoue, I can’t tell you. I just _can’t_.”

Even though Inoue has never given him a reason for him not to trust her, he doesn’t know if he can trust her with this.

He cringes.

 _That was awful_ , Toushirou despairs of himself, how pathetic he feels. _Just awful._

But his heart is beating so fast that he can barely hear his own thoughts.

“It’s alright, Hitsugaya-kun,” Inoue says softly, and Toushirou nearly flinches.

It isn’t. He _knows_ that it _isn’t._

“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to,” Inoue says, her voice reassuringly, and Toushirou tries to breathe. Relax. Let the sound of her voice calm him. “We’re friends, Hitsugaya-kun.”

“I know,” Toushirou sighs, pressing his lips together. “This… stays between us, right?”

“Of course,” Inoue nods.

“Okay,” Toushirou says, exhaling, his heart thudding against his ribcage. “Okay. I want to tell you, Inoue, but… it’s hard for me to say it out loud.”

He curls his hands into fists, feels a brief sting of pain.

He feels so frustrated with himself. Because the words are on the tip of his tongue, and yet, when he tries to find his voice, the words refuse to leave him.

“And I… I _need_ to tell her, Inoue,” Toushirou says, anguished, exhausted simply by _trying_. He breathes shallowly, and looks at her, hoping that she might understand. “I’ve done something terrible. Really terrible. I _know_ it’s terrible. But if I tell the truth, I don’t… I don’t think Karin will ever forgive me.”

He just doesn’t understand how the situation snowballed out of control so _badly_.

“If you talk to her, she might understand,” Inoue says, and Toushirou wishes he could be as brave as her. “The fact that you’re making the effort, even though it’s difficult, might go a long way. And, maybe there’s nothing to forgive, Hitsugaya-kun. Maybe your friendship might even grow stronger, because you trusted her enough with the truth. At least, if you tell her about how you truly feel about Kuchiki-san, I don’t think that your friendship will suffer too badly. Maybe she’ll even tease you about it, for making her believe it for so long.”

“Maybe,” Toushirou says, listening to the sound of her voice, rather than the words she speaks. Everything feels so far away, and yet it feels as if everything is closing in.

“I wish I could help you better, Hitsugaya-kun,” Inoue says, sighing. “But I can cheer for you. Hope that it goes well. I can tell you that sometimes the best thing to do is risk it all and hope that it leads to better things. People can surprise you in ways you’ve never imagined. If I didn’t confess to Ichigo-kun, I would have never have known that he felt the same way about me!”

“Kurosaki would have confessed,” Toushirou says, gently. He’s seen how happy Kurosaki is in the photos. How relaxed and at ease he is by Inoue’s side. “If you didn’t, he would have. I have no doubt about that.”

Kurosaki probably would have needed a push, doubtless, but he’d have done it.

“Maybe,” Inoue smiles to herself, blushing prettily, charmed by the thought. “What was I saying? Oh! Yes. Maybe you risk it all, and it doesn’t go well, but at least she knows the truth, Hitsugaya-kun. Isn’t that what matters most?”

 Maybe it won’t work out, and that’s a possibility too, but at least they know the truth, right? Isn’t that what matters most?”

“Yes,” Toushirou finds himself agreeing, trying to detach himself from his whirlwind of agony that tries to swallow him whole. “That’s what matters most.”

He wishes he could believe in Inoue’s optimism, but he can’t. No matter how it happens, Karin is bound to be hurt because he didn’t tell her the truth sooner.

Maybe their friendship wouldn’t end, but it would never be the same as it was.

“The words will come,” Inoue promises him, and he tries to focus, even if he can’t stop fidgeting. “Who knows? Maybe they might come easier now you’ve already said part of it aloud. Whatever happens, Hitsugaya-kun, you can always talk to me.”

 

 

He stays for longer than he expects. He talks about other things with Inoue, about her trying to potentially balance studying with her job, about cute puppies that she sends Kurosaki in the park that she often walks at, while Kurosaki is away, studying; about all the places in the world she wants to travel. He drinks another glass of water before he leaves, takes a box of ABCookies with him and promises to stay in touch.

It’s barely five minutes later, when he runs into Yuzu.

“Toushirou-kun!”

“Hello, Yuzu,” Toushirou blinks, feeling like a deer in headlights. “What are you doing here?”

“I was on my way to Orihime-chan,” Yuzu smiles, blushing prettily. “We cook together sometimes.”

“Oh,” Toushirou says, scanning the area. “That’s… nice.”

“It really is!” Yuzu nods, before changing subject arbitrarily. “Have you been avoiding Karin-chan?”

“What?”

“Have you been avoiding Karin-chan?” Yuzu repeats slowly, proof that he hadn’t misheard her. “I haven’t seen you two hang out for a long time. So I wondered if something had happened.”

“… oh, um, no,” Toushirou shakes his head, mumbling as he tries to think. “I’ve just been… busy these past few months, that’s all. I haven’t had the time, Yuzu, but you know Karin is always welcome to drop by whenever she wants.”

“True,” Yuzu says, eyes twinkling, “I’ll be sure to remind her of that.”

“If she’s really worried though,” Toushirou continues, oblivious, “you can let Karin know that I’ve got some free time in the upcoming weeks, so she’d better be ready for a rematch.”

“I have a better idea! _You_ should tell her!” Yuzu says, getting at something that Toushirou doesn’t quite understand. “Believe me, Toushirou-kun, I _know_ it would mean a great deal to her if you reached out and talked to her yourself.”

“I’m sorry, but I’ve been…” Toushirou sighs, looking for the right word, and his shoulders slump. “Busy.”

“I understand,” Yuzu says, a touch disappointed, even if her demeanour remains sweet and patient. “I’m sure Karin-chan does too. But its summer and she misses you.”

Summer, huh. How did spring pass by so quickly?

Toushirou liked spending time with Karin during the summer. Cloudless blue skies, soft green grass. The best conditions for a soccer match. The only aspect he disliked about summer were the unbearably hot days, and even that could be mitigated with ice cream and staying under shade.

“I miss her too,” Toushirou admits, sighing, heart heavy in his chest.

“Then _tell_ her!” Yuzu insists, sounding almost cross, if only she didn’t sound so excited as well. He stares at her, bemused, as she looks around and lowers her voice. “She’s going to confess to Yusuke-kun soon and by then it’ll be too late.”

 _That_ catches his attention.

“Karin hasn’t confessed yet?” Toushirou frowns, furrowing his brow, suppressing so many questions he wants to ask. He can’t stop himself from imagining Karin kissing Yusuke’s cheek, faceless though he may be, and banishes the thought. Why does he keep doing this to himself?

“ _Nope_ ,” Yuzu chirps, before looking at him meaningfully. “I think she’s waiting for a certain someone to change her mind.”

“Juushirou,” Toushirou huffs, not bothering to hide his bitterness. He _knew_ it.

“I’m talking about _you,_ Toushirou-kun!” Yuzu exclaims, hands on her hips. There’s something disbelieving in her gaze, like she’s amazed that he could even _think_ that Karin likes Juushirou over him. “Believe me, Toushirou-kun, the person my sister has always liked best is _you_.”

“Oh,” Toushirou says, blinking, and nearly laughs under his breath as he get it.

Yuzu has always been like this. Always reading too much into things. None too subtle about wanting them to date each other.

Usually, Toushirou pays it no mind, but he’d forgotten what Yuzu is like, so he’d been taken off guard before realizing what she was getting at.

“It’s not going to happen, Yuzu,” Toushirou tells her, calmly, the wind blowing in his face, as he looks away.

Juushirou leans against a lamppost, legs long and lanky, smirking at him.

“But you two would be so cute together!” Yuzu pouts, once she realizes that he’s seen right through her ploy, refusing to react the way she wants him to. “Tell me you don’t feel something for her, Toushirou-kun.”

He blinks, and Juushirou is gone.

“Of course I do,” Toushirou allows, turning back to Yuzu, and manages a gentle smile. “Karin’s my best friend.”

 

 

He _has_ to tell Karin.

Even if Juushirou never appeared again, he would loom over Toushirou’s shoulder, and the guilt would eat him up because Karin didn’t know that Juushirou never existed in the first place.

Even if Karin never wanted to speak to him again, after finding out.

Karin deserved the truth.

And, well, like any character with a narrative, Hitsugaya Juushirou should have a proper ending.

A grand finale.


	14. Avalanche Alabaster

 

“You can’t kill me off!” Juushirou declares, _outraged_. He stares aghast at Toushirou, who stares back at his reflection, unmoved by Juushirou’s passion. “Not like _that!_ ”

“Oh, I think I can,” Toushirou snarks, revelling at the power he has. Like he’s finally able to regain control of the situation, now he can feel it ending. He gives Juushirou a particularly vicious smile. “How does death by melting sound, Juushirou? I’ll tell Karin that it was the sun’s fault and you just couldn’t cope with it.”

“You must be _mad!”_

“Mad? _Mad?_ You, Juushirou, know _nothing_ of _madness!”_ Toushirou bristles, raising his voice before taking a deep breath and forcing himself to exhale. He has to stop to stop talking to himself, Toushirou sternly tells himself, annoyed that he’s gotten so used to replying to conversations that must only exist in his head. “Why do I keep talking to you? _You’re a figment of my imagination!”_

“And?” Juushirou shrugs, his unconcern response only serving to infuriate Toushirou more.

“I hate you,” Toushirou snarls, baring his teeth. “How about that?”

He’s so _awful._

In a way, Toushirou isn’t surprised that things have ended up like this. Him talking to his reflection who talks back to him.

It’s not like his sanity has been deteriorating these past few weeks or anything. Sleep is practically non-existent. He’s pretty sure that there’s more coffee running through his veins than blood. He’s constantly cranky and his handwriting is almost illegible. He barely notices time passing. And the worst part is that Juushirou has become chattier and chattier and it’s only through willpower that Toushirou doesn’t snap at him when there are other people around.

His willpower is sorely fraying these days.

“Do you, though? I mean, really, baby brother? Do you hate me?” Juushirou looks at him, pityingly, condescendingly, and without a doubt, Toushirou _knows_ he hates Juushirou.

“Why else would I be plotting your death?” Toushirou retorts.

“Because it’s easier than telling Karin the truth,” Juushirou shoots back, grinning with the smug sense of superiority. “And that’s the problem, isn’t it? You’re stalling.”

“I am not!”

“No? Well, why haven’t you told Karin yet? Look at you! You’re not sleeping. You’re not eating. You are hallucinating me this very second which is why we are having this conversation in the first place,” Juushirou points out, calmly, a direct contrast to how worked up Toushirou is getting. “Have you told Shinji about me? No? What about Byakuya? Or Momo?”

“You know I haven’t,” Toushirou says, gritting his teeth.

“And I know why,” Juushirou nods, snapping his fingers, and pointing at him. Toushirou rolls his eyes. “Because if they knew —”

“They’d be worried,” Toushirou mutters. He could shrug it off and tell them that he was fine, but he doubts that people who are fine hallucinate about fictional older brothers. “I’m aware.”

“Momo especially,” Juushirou notes. “And you don’t want to worry her.”

“Of course not,” Toushirou scowls. “Last time, I didn’t hallucinate. _Not once_.”

“No, you just collapsed out of exhaustion,” Juushirou remarks, matter of fact, and yet surprising upbeat. “You overexerted yourself because you wanted to test your limits and got carried away, baby brother. _Last time_ , you didn’t create an alter-ego who is also your big brother and try really hard to become him in order to make your best friend fall in love with him because she’d never fall in love with you.”

“Thanks for the recap,” Toushirou deadpans. “You’ve really put things in perspective for me.”

“Anytime, baby brother,” Juushirou grins, winking at him. “I’m just saying that you feel you have no one else to talk to. You’ve already everyone in my club that you’re ending things, and that you want to do it by yourself. You don’t want to let them down. But then along comes Yuzu, and you’re tempted again. Even though you know you shouldn’t be. So who does that leave you with?”

“Shut up.”

“That’s right. Me _,”_ Juushirou beams, paying him no mind and gesturing to himself. “Since I’m part of you, I know how jealous you really are, baby brother. I know how much it’s killing you to ignore those feelings. I know how exhausted you truly are. But you can’t forget — that’s right, got it in one — _I’m_ the ice brother that Karin had a crush on.”

“I don’t know,” Toushirou drawls, bored. “I still think you’re trying your damndest to distract me from deciding how to end you.”

“Oh, I don’t need to do that,” Juushirou laughs, completely unfazed by Toushirou’s threats. “I’m you, remember? I know _exactly_ how you feel about me. I know what you know and I know what you _don’t_ want me to know because you can’t hide the truth from me. You don’t want me gone just _yet_ ; baby brother, or else I wouldn’t be here, talking to you, would I?”

“You say that like I summon you willing,” Toushirou says, dryly.

“Don’t you?” Juushirou raises his eyebrow.

“ _No,_ ” Toushirou insists. “Because you’re not real.”

“Does it matter?” Juushirou asks, shrugging. “You’re still drinking a ridiculous amount of coffee. I seem to remember a certain someone telling you that _maybe_ you should cut down on them…”

“I will,” Toushirou mutters, fully intending to at some point. “Just not yet.”

“Mm, and how _are_ those headaches treating you?” Juushirou asks, flippantly. “Oh, wait. There’s no need to tell me, I already know!”

“Can you say something _useful_ for once?” Toushirou roars, losing his temper, sick with Juushirou’s attitude and how _calm_ he is. How can he be _so calm?_ Toushirou feels like he’s going to start pulling his own hair out at any moment, fingers tightening against his curls. He holds his hand in place, forcing himself to breathe. “I thought you were supposed to _helping_ me.”

“Chill, baby brother, I’m getting there,” Juushirou raises up his hands, smiling at him. “Ready? Okay. You gotta think about yourself and face what you fear the most.”

“Karin.”

“Well, her too,” Juushirou says, tilting his head, considering that for a moment. “But you’ve already thought about how it should happen, right?”

“You know I have,” Toushirou sighs.

Ever since he talked to Inoue, he’d started to formulate a plan.

For all his talk about telling Karin that his brother had died by mysterious circumstances, he knew he had never really been considering it.

No, he was just feeling murderous about his pain-in-the-ass hallucination of an imaginary brother.

“Then you know what you have to do,” Juushirou says, his tone surprisingly gentle.

“Then you’ll go away?”

“Aww, baby brother,” Juushirou _beams_ , clapping his hands in delight. “Are you going to miss me?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Toushirou scowls, steadying himself to stop shaking, folding his arms over his chest. “I’ll finally be getting rid of a headache.”

“If you say so,” Juushirou says, still smiling, like he knows better. Toushirou doesn’t have the energy to tell him anymore. “Anyway. _I_ think it’s a good ending.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I’m proud of you,” Juushirou praises, sincerity shining through. Oddly enough, Toushirou believes him, touched that his own hallucination likes the ending he’s envisioned for him. “It’s bold, it’s dramatic, and it’s got _panache_. I couldn’t ask for anything better.”

“Well,” Toushirou pauses, blinking owlishly, at a loss of words. “I’m… glad you like it.”

“The grand finale,” Juushirou murmurs, oddly peaceful, oddly excited. His eyes flash, bright with enthusiasm. “Oh, it’s going to be _riveting!_ Best of luck, baby brother!”

 

 

There’s just one issue.

One _teeny, tiny_ _issue_ with Toushirou’s endgame _._

He has to talk to Hyourinmaru.

 

 

_No! Absolutely not!_

Needless to say, Hyourinmaru is less than pleased.

Toushirou expected that, to be honest.

_What part of ‘it won’t happen again’ do you find difficult to understand?_

“None of it,” Toushirou mutters, flushing. This is just as embarrassing for him as it is for Hyourinmaru. “I know what I said and I’m not going back on my word.”

_Oh, you’re not, are you? What exactly do you think you’re doing?_

“Hey, I don’t _have_ to tell you this, Hyourinmaru!” Toushirou snaps, sick of his attitude. “I could use my _bankai_ and become Juushirou without even needing to _ask_ you! But I _am_. Because you’re important to me, and I want you to understand that this is something I need to do.”

_I see._

“It’s the only way, Hyourinmaru,” Toushirou says, looking down. He’s gone over it a thousand times — if there was another way, he would take it. “I have to become Juushirou again.”

_Do you promise me that you are not going to use Daiguren Hyourinmaru to earn Karin’s affection?_

“Yes,” Toushirou says, noticing that the once pristine ice that surrounds them no longer looks pristine. “I am _never_ doing that again. _Never._ ”

 _Then you have my permission,_ Hyourinmaru tells him, solemnly, and Toushirou wakes up, gasping, his office dusted in black ice.

“Thanks for that,” Toushirou mutters, sensing a migraine coming on, and fetches a dustpan and brush to clean up the mess.

He gets a cup of coffee too, to soothe his nerves, his trembling hands.

Now there really is nothing to hold him back.

 

 

The sky is particularly blue today.

Toushirou stares at it, trying to memorize it as best he can. It’s unlikely that he’ll be visiting Karakura Town again.

He swallows, and tells himself whatever happens, happens, and he has to accept that.

“Juushirou-kun!” Karin says, voice filled with pleasant surprise. He can _hear_ the smile on her face. “Hey!”

“Hey, Karin-chan,” Juushirou says, smile plastered to his face as he turns around and sees her, cheeks flush, her crush on him almost as clear as the sun. “How have you been?”

Maybe Juushirou was right. Now that Toushirou has accepted that this is really _it,_ Toushirou might actually _miss_ being a ridiculous caricature of a person. But that’s not enough for him to change his mind.

“I’ve had better days,” Karin sighs, facing falling. “You remember Yusuke? The basketball player?”

“How could I not?” Juushirou’s smile widens. “Did you impress him with your _smooth as ice_ moves?”

“Actually, no,” Karin says, after a beat. She kicks the grass, and sighs. “He shot me down before I got the chance.”

“ _What?_ ” Toushirou says, taken aback. Who in their right mind wouldn’t want to date _Karin?_ “That idiot!”

“It’s okay,” Karin shrugs, trying to not be sad. “I’m too cool for him anyway.”

“Damn straight,” Toushirou says, and freezes. _Fuck._ He hadn’t ever thought that Karin might be rejected. What should he do next? Should he continue to reveal the truth or should he focus on cheering her up?

“So, what are you doing here?” Karin asks, bemused, before flustering, and backtracking. “Not that I _mind_ , of course! it’s always great to see you!”

“There was something I wanted to talk to you about,” Juushirou says, uncertainly, still undecided, before he looks at Karin and how she’s donning a grin that he can see straight through. “But it can wait.”

“Are you sure?” Karin looks at him, eyes wide, smile faltering.

“Yeah,” Juushirou nods, and snaps his fingers, feeling extra energetic as he forces himself to become bright and bubbly and do his best to cheer her up. “Yeah, _‘course_ I’m sure, Karin-chan! I know exactly what to do to put you in a good mood.”

Karin’s always liked Juushirou’s theatrics.

“A piggy back ride?” Karin teases, sounding unimpressed, though Toushirou swears that he sees the beginnings of a smile all the same. “Or were you going to say ice cream?”

“Neither,” Juushirou replies simply, cheekily, and Karin watches him, arching an eyebrow. “I was thinking more of a soccer game.”

“Were you now?” Karin drawls, appealed by the thought.

“Definitely, now that I’ve seen that gorgeous grin of yours,” Toushirou teases, smiling, knowing that all he needs to do is say a few more choice words. He makes a mockery of stretching his limbs. “Though I’ve improved a lot, you know. You might not win this time around.”

“As if,” Karin scoffs, her competitive nature taking the bait, so certain of her inevitable victory, and bit by bit, her initial sadness seems to be fading. “You might have improved, Juushirou, but you’ve still got a long way to go.”

“I’ll make this interesting then,” Juushirou challenges her, because Toushirou can never refuse a challenge. “If you win, I’ll buy you ice cream.”

“Did you actually bring money this time?” Karin snarks.

Juushirou chooses not to answer that.

“If I win,” Juushirou says, nails pricking his skin, trembling for a moment, before he takes a moment, to take control, to take a breath, and decides to go through with it. “You have to listen to what I have to say.”

He wants to say more. He wants to ask her not to be mad. He wants to tell her that he’s terrified of telling her.

But he doesn’t, watching Karin, and waiting for her to decide.

_Whatever happens, happens._

“Okay,” Karin agrees, smile spreading across her face, intrigued by the offer. “Let’s play.”

 

 

Something’s not right.

He doesn’t notice at first, distracted by the soccer ball tossed in the air, the rush of adrenaline coursing through his veins, the nervousness he feels transforming into easy-going playfulness.

Soccer requires energy, movement, speed, and suddenly he’s acutely aware he has it.

He has _so much_ energy coursing through him he almost feels _manic._

It’s just because he hasn’t been Juushirou in a while, right? It has to be. Toushirou _knows_ what he’s like in his future self’s body when he’s out of practice. He’s a little unsteady, a little out of control, a little clumsier than usual, before he gets his bearings.

The feeling is supposed to _pass_.

Instead, it builds and builds inside of him, until it’s like he’s cracking and popping and fizzing, and the fabric of his skin is stretching thinner and thinner, trying to contain it. There’s a moment when he steals the ball from Karin, only to lose it because he’s so certain he was about to burst.

But then the sensation passes and Toushirou feels _great,_ feels like he’s _surging_ newfound confidence, and it was nothing, he just had to get into the swing of things. That’s all it was.

Nothing can _possibly go wrong —_

And then he falls.

Stumbles, really. He nearly catches himself, but the momentum is too much, and he trips over himself all the same.

 _Odd,_ Toushirou thinks, staring at the grass, surprised at the feel of dirt on his hands. If he pushes down, he has complete certainty that his hand would pass through the ground. Then thinks, _that’s a weird thought._ He’s not normally that careless. Even if he tripped over a rock or something, he shouldn’t feel so… so…?

He doesn’t know how that sentence is supposed to finish.

“Hey,” Karin says, sounding far away, skidding as she comes to a standstill, and then walks towards him, approaching. “Juushirou-kun, can you get up?”

He stares at the ground, motionless.

 _Can_ he?

“I…” He tries to speak, but his throat is parched, making it difficult to continue. He doesn’t know, but that feels like the least of his problems.

All the air has been knocked out of him, his vision is blurring and all of the sudden, it’s like the ground is slipping away from him, crumbling beneath his fingertips.

For a second, he feels terrifyingly light-headed.

“Juushirou?” Karin says, softly, crouching next to him. “What’s wrong?”

He didn’t notice Karin get so close.

But she’s _there,_ and there’s a magic in that, maybe. Something about Karin being so close to him gives him enough strength to push himself up, to get away from her, and… realize that he must have stood up too fast, everything spinning but him.

_Shit._

Not now.

This can’t be happening to him now.

His breathing becomes quicker, and desperately, he tries not to panic, tries not to shake, tries not to let Karin see what’s happening to him.

Except.

He feels so _tired._

 _So fucking_ _exhausted._

All that exhaustion he’d been able to suppress, push away by drinking copious amounts of caffeine, crashes over him, and Toushirou can barely _stand_ it, wondering where all the energy he had before his fall has gone.

“Juushirou?” Karin says again, distorting in a flicker of black spots. He sees her mouth move, but Toushirou can’t understand what she’s saying.

It’s just garbled noise to him.

His head throbs, and for an awful, _awful_ second, Toushirou is swallowed in darkness.

“Yes?” Toushirou says quietly, unfocused, as colour returns to him in waves of wooziness.

“What’s going on?” Karin asks, alarm ringing loud and clear. “You don’t look so good.”

“Yeah.”

He can hardly focus, breathless, thoughts swirling into something abstract, something numbing.

It’s only because his feet are placed apart that he’s able to remain upright.

“Yeah, Karin,” Toushirou agrees, absentmindedly, legs trembling as if they’re about to give out, an impending sense of dread spreading through his veins. “Something is… wrong.”

He feels light-headed. Like he’s swaying. Seconds away from death.

Is _—_ is he going to _die?_

He’s never felt like this before. Over exhaustion was one thing, he was used to _that._ He could recognize the signs for that, but this is something else. Something more dangerous, something more frightening, and Toushirou doesn’t know why his body is reacting the way it is.

He gasps.

_“Fuck!”_

And then there is only pain.

Excruciating, unbearable _pain_.

It sears through him to such an extent that it is the only thing he is conscious of. It spreads all over his body, as if all the migraines and leg cramps and stomach aches that he’s suffered trying to stay afloat has to be felt in this very moment, and it _is_ _consuming him._

Desperate for him to _notice_.

“Karin,” Toushirou gasps, shaking, trying to not to scream, if only not to scare her. He tries to breathe but it’s difficult when his body is brimming with pain that he’s been struggling to ignore for _months_. His heart races, pulses, pounds against his chest, going into overdrive, beating faster and faster as his lungs struggle to find air. “Karin, I…”

He takes a ragged breath.

He has to _tell her._

“I think I’m going to die.”

_Shit._

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

 _It wasn’t supposed to be like this_.

“Oh, fuck,” Karin whispers, turning pale. “Don’t do that. _Fuck._  What do I do? There has to be something I can do. Right? Right, Juushirou?”

His hands won’t stop shaking.

“I can’t breathe,” Toushirou rasps out, straining for air. The grainy darkness returns, creeping at the corner of his vision, before it takes him over completely. “Karin. I _can’t_ — I can’t _breathe —”_

The sun swelters above him, and Toushirou feels gravity increase its hold on him.

“ _Juushirou_ ,” Karin says, _terrified._ “Look at me! Look at me!”

He takes a step back, wanting to disappear but forgetting how. He doesn’t think he could do it even if he remembered. His body is overloading, overstimulating and he can’t—

He can’t do _anything._

Can’t think. Can’t speak. Can’t move.

“I —” Toushirou begins, _needing_ to tell her the _truth_ about Juushirou because Karin still _doesn’t know_.

_“Juushirou!”_

It’s too much.

Toushirou can’t hold on any longer, his willpower shattering in an instant. He gives up, gives in. Utterly, utterly overwhelmed by everything he has been trying suppress.

Karin reaches out for him, Toushirou dazedly watching her because it’s happening before him in slow motion, one terrifying second that is suspended for an eternity.

And then.

And then his _bankai_ gives out in a puff of smoke.

Heart thundering in his chest, he belatedly realizes with shock that he’s himself again.

Hitsugaya Toushirou.

 

 

He doesn’t remember what happens next too clearly.

He remembers Karin. He remembers Karin staring at him, stunned. He remembers Karin staring at him, not being able to understand what just happened. He remembers Karin’s hand, frozen in place. He remembers Karin’s mouth falling open. He remembers Karin’s eyes beginning to tear.

He remembers feeling trapped in a moment of pure deafeningly silence.

And then he breathes out, takes a step back, and everything collides into him. Relentless, remorseless.

Merciless.  

The axis of the world shifts beneath him and Toushirou is dragged down, down, _down_.

And then there is only darkness.

 

 

He can’t help but ask himself: _what would Hirako Shinji have done?_

 

 

Toushirou regains consciousness not on the grassy fields where he played soccer, but on a white bed, the smell of antiseptic invading his senses.

“I’m alive,” Toushirou says, amazed. “I’m _alive._ ”

“Yeah, you had us worried there for a while,” Kurosaki Isshin says, his tone deceptively cheerful. “Toushirou.”

Oh, _fuck._

“Kurosaki,” Toushirou says, heartbeat beginning to skyrocket once more, even as he tries affect nonchalance. “What are you doing here?”

“You’re a patient in my clinic. What do you think?” Isshin says, flatly. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

“Fainting,” Toushirou answers, and Isshin continues to quiz him for the next couple of minutes, all of them clipped and clinical and incredibly unsettling.

It’s strange to see Isshin as a professional physician, since Toushirou is used to him actively shirking his duty. 

But then, it has been twenty years or so.

A lot has changed since then.

“How long have I been out?” Toushirou asks, sensing the charade nearing its end.

“Not long,” Isshin tells him, his restrained disposition at odds with how Toushirou remembers him, full of buffoonery and theatrics. “Couple of hours, max. How are you feeling?”

“Sore,” Toushirou admits. His entire body is rife with pain, a dull sort of ache that is everywhere. “My head hurts.”

“I’m not surprised. With the amount of caffeine in your system, with the combination of going into _bankai,_ no wonder your body wasn’t able to handle it. Frankly, it’s a miracle that you didn’t collapse _sooner_ ,” Isshin tells him. “As a doctor, I advise that you should avoid both for a while to properly recover. You need bedrest, and _lots_ of it.”

“Noted,” Toushirou says, fully intending to do exactly that. Stay away from coffee for a long, long time and not his completed _bankai_ at any time in the near future.

“So,” Isshin says, exhaling, and just like that, the clinical doctor persona is discarded, and the rage that had been suppressed but clearly felt during the past five minutes finally reveals itself. “We need to talk about Juushirou.”

 _Here it comes,_ Toushirou says, steeling himself.

“What the _fuck?”_ Isshin says, staring at him. “You don’t have a brother.”

“I…” Toushirou, because he’s a dumb piece of shit, says. “I _could_ have a big brother.”

“No, you fucking don’t,” Isshin flatly says, shutting him down instantly. “I might not be Captain of the Tenth Division anymore, but you really think I wouldn’t know a detail like that?”

“So, the whole time you’ve…” Toushirou says, realizing slowly. Oh, _crud._ “Why didn’t you tell Karin?”

“Because, believe it or not, I thought she _knew_ ,” Isshin says, pissed off. “It wasn’t hard to figure out that ‘Juushirou’ was you in disguise, and that your _bankai_ had provided you a way to become older. But I had assumed that Karin was in on it, and called you Juushirou and kept referring to you as your older brother because that was part of the joke. And if she wanted to act as if you and your brother were two separate people, well, that was her choice to make.”

“… oh.”

“Yeah, _oh,_ ” Isshin’s echoes, mockingly. “Turns out I was completely off-base.”

“I can explain —”

“ _Good_ ,” Isshin growls, “because you gave Karin one _hell_ of a surprise, so you better have a reason for it.”

“This was _never_ supposed to happen!” Toushirou swears, words bursting out him like never before. Even though Isshin hasn’t been his Captain for so long, it feels like he’s been transported into the past. He’s in so much trouble and Captain Shiba’s disappointment in him _palpable_. “You have to realize that, Captain. When this all started — before Karin got involved — they saw my completed _bankai_ form and jumped to that conclusion. That I had an older brother. And at the time, it was easier just to go along with it. How was I supposed to know that he was going to get himself a damn fan club from the Shinigami Women’s Association! I could have never have predicted that! Everyone was _so_ ready to believe in him! When was I supposed to say ‘hey, you’ve made a mistake, there’s been a serious misunderstanding’?”

Isshin folds his arms across his chest. Wordlessly waiting.

“Anyway, Karin sees me — sees me in that form because I was fighting a Hollow — and just like everyone else, thought that I was my brother,” Toushirou sighs. “If I had known what would have happened next, I never would have —”

“What? Take advantage of the situation and sweep Karin off her feet?” Isshin _scoffs,_ utterly disgusted with him. “You led Karin on, Toushirou. You let her believe that you had a brother that was nothing like you. You flirted with her and gave you more and more reasons to fall for a person who doesn’t even exist in the first place.”

He swallows.

“And you said _nothing_ , Toushirou,” Isshin says, quietly. “You said nothing to Karin for _months._ ”

“I —”

“And now my little girl’s heart is broken because of you.”

“Isshin.”

_“Get out.”_

“I’m sorry,” Toushirou says, weakly. “I was going to —”

“I said _get out!”_ Isshin _barks_ at him, unbridled rage all over his features. And worse than that, Toushirou can see how disappointed Isshin is in him. How let down he feels. But it lasts only for a second, fury glinting his eyes, dark and dangerous, and any sadness his Captain may feel is second to the rage. “Don’t bother coming back. Don’t you fucking _dare_ talk to Karin ever again.”

“I won’t,” Toushirou promises, and musters what little energy he has left to sit up and slide out of the bed.

His limbs feel sluggish, and his bones creak, but he can walk and make his way to the door.

“She’s been through _enough_ because of you.”

 

 

It’s not that Toushirou intends to disobey Isshin, but Karin finds him, seeks him out of her own volition, her eyes rimmed red.

_Fuck._

Even if he wanted to disappear, without seeing Karin one last time, witnessing Karin in tears blindsides him.

Breaks him in a way he never thought possible.

 _“How could you?”_ Karin screams at him, wild eyed, cheeks ruddy, exposed nerves and raw emotion, refusing to hold herself back. _“How could you!”_

“I’m sorry,” Toushirou says, softly, knowing it’s not enough.

“What the _fuck_ is wrong with you?” Karin shrieks, fresh tears spilling down her cheeks. “What the actual _fuck?”_

Toushirou says nothing, bracing himself.

“I thought we were _friends,_ Toushirou!” Karin says, choking up. “You… you were my _best_ friend!”

“I know.”

“No. _No!_ You don’t _get_ to talk! _I’m not finished yet!”_ Karin roars, uncaring if anyone hears her, working herself up to a state of frenzy. “You were _my_ best friend! And you made me — you made me feel like a fucking _idiot!_ ”

Her voice cracks, and her eyes glisten, and all Toushirou can do is watch.

“You fucking _scared_ me, do you know that? When you were passed out on the field, and I hadn’t called my old man for help just yet, I was _terrified,”_ Karin confesses, crying, her hands curled tightly into fists.  “I keep going over it in my head. Couldn’t understand what had happened. Do you know what it’s like to be told that a person you once thought the world of doesn’t have a brother? That you’ve _never_ had a brother? That Juushirou is — is a _goddamn illusion?_ ”

She wipes her cheek with the back of her hand.

“Was… was this a joke to you? Was everyone in on it except me? Were you laughing the entire time?” Karin accuses him, vulnerability turning to indignation, to contempt, to hatred.  “Did you think to yourself ‘Silly Karin, I can’t believe she _actually thinks I have an older brother!_ What stupid girl! What a moron! Why don’t I really mess with her and pretend to be Juushirou! Let her think that she’s making a friend! That’ll show her!’”

“I didn’t think that at all!” Toushirou protests, unwilling to be silent any longer, not if it meant hearing Karin self-depreciate herself over and over again. He hates that she sees herself as stupid and gullible for believing in Juushirou’s existence. “I _never_ meant to hurt you!”

“Then why did you do it?”

“Because I love you,” Toushirou admits, eyes widening as he realizes what he said.

No.

_Shit._

He hadn’t meant to say it. He didn’t _want_ to reveal it but.

But he can’t take it back. He won’t take it back.

Because it’s true.

And Karin deserves to know.

“I did it,” Toushirou repeats, taking a breath, and meeting Karin’s gaze, “because I love you.”

Silence.

“You love me.”

“Yes.”

“ _Bull shit,_ ” Karin states, coldly, her eyes disbelieving, unforgiving. “Are you kidding me? Love? You _love_ me? _That’s_ what you’re going with? Really, Toushirou? _Really?_ ”

Toushirou stares at her, speechless.

“No, fuck off,” Karin shakes her head, jaw clenching. “I’m not falling for it. You don’t love me. If you loved me — if you ever were my best friend — you wouldn’t have done this. You would have told me the _truth_ about Juushirou.”

“Karin,” Toushirou pleads, heart constricting, frantically trying to find the words to explain himself. She has to _know_. “I was going to. But I was scared, that’s why I hadn’t yet. You have to believe me —”

“No, I don’t,” Karin tells him, expression hardening, and she composes herself, wiping the last of her tears away. “I refuse.”

“Karin, I swear to you, I’m _not_ lying —”

“I don’t care!” Karin shouts, her face blotching red. “I don’t want to hang out with you anymore! I don’t want anything to do with you!”

She is seconds apart from falling apart, and Toushirou wishes that he had done things differently.

He wishes that he’d just told her without the need to reveal it in a dramatic fashion.

“But we’re friends,” Toushirou says, stupidly, “aren’t we?”

Karin stares at him, and the silence that follows lasts for an eternity.

“If you thought that we could be friends again after the _shit_ you just pulled, well, I guess you don’t know me that well, after all,” Karin declares, blazing with nothing but disdain for him. “We are _not_ friends, Toushirou, and I will _never_ forgive you for what you’ve done.”

“Karin.”

“I don’t want to see you ever again,” Karin tells him, mind made up, and walks away. “ _Goodbye_.”

 

 

It’s evening when Toushirou finds himself at Momo’s door.

He doesn’t know how much time as passed since leaving Karakura Town, travelling in a fugue state with no destination in mind until he blinks and recognizes where he is.

The door opens.

“Shirou-chan,” Momo says, worried.

“It’s done,” Toushirou informs her, empty inside. “Karin… Karin knows.”

“Oh,” Momo says, eyes widening before she catches him, his legs giving out under him. She slings his arm over his shoulder, and guides him inside, sets him down. “Okay. Good. That’s good, right? Do you… do you want to talk about it?”

He’s trembling.

Again.

“I… fainted,” Toushirou recalls, blankly. He feels so vacant, admitting it, and yet as he forces himself to remember, it’s like the emptiness inside him is fading away. The numbness fades, and the feelings rush in, threatening to engulf him, as the memory plays out in his mind. “Right in front of Karin. Transformed from Juushirou back to myself just before I passed out.”

He will never forget the shocked look on Karin’s face.

“I didn’t get the chance to explain,” Toushirou says, struggling to make his voice sound even, struggling to make his lips stop quivering, struggling to let a sob from escaping.

He sinks his teeth into his skin, a pitiful attempt to try and control himself. Hold it all in.

“Shirou-chan.”

It doesn’t work.

“Karin didn’t take it very well,” Toushirou gasps, heaving for air, his confession little more than a whisper. His skin feels hot. His eyes are wet, and Toushirou tries to blink rapidly, looking up at the ceiling.

He has to hold it in.

Except he _can’t_. He’s frayed for too long, too worn out to repress the surge of emotions that flow through him now that the shock has faded, and everything has been said and done and —

And Toushirou realizes _how badly he has fucked up._

Guilt comes crashing over him in waves, trying to drown him, and Toushirou _can’t breathe._

“Neither did Isshin,” Toushirou continues, chest expanding, lungs inflating, trying to inhale. He can’t imagine how Kurosaki or Yuzu will feel when they find out. He opens his mouth, intent on telling Momo, but all that comes out is a cry.

“I’m sorry it turned out this way,” Momo says, quietly, placing her hand on his shoulder.

He barely notices.

Momo had warned him. Momo had warned him and _told him_ that no good would come out of it. Momo had warned him and he hadn’t listened.

What a stupid, reckless _idiot_ he had been.

 _“Fuck,_ ” Toushirou says, and bursts into tears.

All the emotion he’s been trying to bottle up for months — the fear, the pain, the anxiety, the stress, the guilt — pours out of him as he becomes a crying mess, falling apart in Momo’s embrace.

He should have killed Juushirou off-screen in a fire. Let him get stabbed to death by a jealous ex-lover. Let him suffer some noble sacrifice.

He should have been honest about Juushirou instead of letting his embarrassment get the better of him.

Now he’s ruined _everything._

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Momo murmurs, rubbing circles on his back, holding onto him as he lets it all out. “I’ve got you, Shirou-chan; it’s going to be okay.”

 

 

He stays with Momo that night. He cites sick leave for the next few days, too ashamed to talk to anyone but Momo, though Hirako drops by, offering his condolences.

He doesn’t sleep very well in the week that follows, trying to recover from everything he put himself through. Like Isshin instructed, Toushirou makes sure he gets plenty of bedrest, sleeping when he can, but purging his body from caffeine is hardly a pleasant experience.

(He deserves it, he knows. He deserves every horrible thing he is suffering through.)

One day, he talks to Momo about Juushirou — tells Momo about how he’d been hallucinating his brother, and even though that should have been a sign that things were off, he didn’t, preferring to bicker in response.

He hadn’t seen Juushirou since that fateful day, which Momo took to mean as a sure sign of coffee madness.

 _Stick to tea, Shirou-chan,_ Momo told him, ruffling his hair, afterwards. _At least for a year or so._

He returns to work the day after, and it’s… almost as if he hadn’t left at all. People enquire about his well-being, comment that he looks much healthier than he had in a while, and surprisingly, Matsumoto had been rather good at picking up the slack, and was thoughtful enough to buy him a new mug.

And it’s — it’s bearable, somehow. A little awkward, at first, because he’s afraid that someone might ask about Juushirou, about Karin, but nobody does, and Toushirou feels a little foolish to realize that perhaps the only person making a big deal about Juushirou had been him. But Momo is right, again, and gradually, his life settles into a comfortable routine.

He begins to feel okay.

Against all odds, he finds himself waking up one day to feel lighter than he has been for a long, long time.

Much to his astonishment, he feels _relief._

It takes him by surprise when he recognizes the emotion. He’d spent so long wallowing and hating himself for what he’d done, that it takes him a couple of days to realize what the unfamiliar feeling was.

But after some thought, it made sense. Of course Toushirou is relieved. He’s no longer trapped in a self-imposed nightmare situation. He longer has to pretend to be Hitsugaya Juushirou anymore.

It’s… over.

Finally.

 

 

… or so he thinks.


End file.
